I understand why people have enough of life ***MNHQ content warning***

[enoughforme]

Many people act like it's terrible and how could someone feel so low to do that. I get it.

I can understand why someone thinks - fuck this.

I don't want to offend anyone by this post I just honestly feel like that, and I wonder is it weird?

I don't think it's a mystery and can totally understand why someone gets to the point of thinking I don't really want to bother with this anymore.

Perhaps I am abnormal thinking this way, I don't know. I'd never personally commit suicide because I'd be scared and also would worry for others - but I don't feel particularly I love life to the extent where I want to cling to it either.

Sorry if this post offends anyone it wasn't the intention but just wandering if I'm abnormal with my thoughts.

I’m very much in the fuck this camp right now.

I have busted my ass to make my life better (I had an abusive childhood and none of the opportunities that some have).

I have 3DC.

I’ve spent 4 years studying. Access course, one year at an RG Uni that was, frankly, crap. 2 years at a top 20 Uni that I love, but the pandemic has ruined my second year (STEM).

Life just keeps getting fucking harder, like it’s stamping me down and trying to keep me in the gutter. Usually I have a lot of fight, but now? None.

I caught Covid in January and have been ill ever since, the work I have submitted/the exams I’ve done have been my usual 1:1/2:1, but I have a lot to do over the summer and I just cannot be arsed.

My landlady is evicting me due to wanting to turn the house into an HMO. I can’t even get viewings on private rentals due to being a student and single parent, so I’m waiting on the council to assess my application and get a council house.

Which is making me spiral because I left a horrid council estate (someone was stabbed outside my house the night before I moved, to give an example). to move here, to go to Uni, to graduate, to do a Masters/PhD, to never have to live off benefits or on a council estate ever again.

DD2 has ASD and MH issues that she’s under CAMHS for.

I’m under a psych for ADHD, PTSD and up to my eyeballs in medication.

It’s too much for me to handle all at once.

If this helps it helped me a lot to understand problems & life at deeper level.

I love the honesty on here..IRL you cant mention it without creating panic/fear..My ex was one to say"how could someone be so selfish-think of how it devastates families"..Completely blinkered to anyone elses point of view/opinion-he had a complete phobia of even mentioning death..I agree that no-one asks to be born,struggle,be completely lonely/ bored/disinterested &really get why people do it-Im just not overly bothered by self-righteous types who need to convince others to stick around..here for a good time not a long time

I had a breakdown a decade ago. I attempted suicide. When I didn't get it right I was so fucking angry with myself. Couldn't even get that right 🙄
Since then I have been really good at outwardly pretending everything is fine (after therapy etc) but I still feel the same.
Except I now have grandkids to think about. I'm the last grandparent.
My life is shit. No particular personal relationships. Im not good with picking the right men so I gave up. My health is shit.
Id welcome a terminal diagnosis so its not me taking my life iyswim?
Essentially I'm done with this shit 😒

[quote enoughforme]@isthisouting I have been to the doctors yes.

I had some anti depressants and I did feel better but came off them due to TTC.

DH thinks I'm ridiculous coming off them but I can't do it, for the sake of a potential child I think I should just battle through but that's a whole other thread I guess. [/quote]
Untreated maternal depression during pregnancy is very bad for the baby - it results in neurodevelopmental delays . Treatment with SSRIs prevents those delays.

Agree OP. I'm late 20s and have felt this way since my teens. I often daydream that if I was diagnosed with an illness, I'd consider refusing treatment and not tell anyone until it was too late IYSWIM.

I won't be having children as I personally don't feel it would be fair to bring others into a world, when I'm not even happy about being here. At the same time, I understand how children can provide purpose for some and distraction from these thoughts.

I take ADs which have helped with anxiety and stress but not my feeling about life. Perhaps it is ennui. A family friend died a few years ago and throughout their last year with us I was envious. I know how awful that sounds, because they desperately wanted to live. But there you go.

Also agree about not discussing IRL. People either think you're miserable or mad as a hatter. Thank you for starting this post.

I'm pretty sure I'll have heart disease and need a heart bypass in my 60s as that's what happened to my mum and there's a history of heart disease in my family.

I could right now be trying to get fit and eat healthily to avoid the heart disease but I can't be bothered and I'm quite happy at the thought that it might not be that long before I'm killed by a massive heart attack.

I've done everything, travelled, successful career, family, nice house etc. What's left? Same old groundhog Day for years on end. So boring and I can't be bothered, it's so exhausting and pointless. A hamster wheel.

I am severely depressed. My mental health got particularly bad this spring when I had lots of these kind of thoughts. Now I cannot escape the feeling that everything is utterly pointless. I spend much of my waking hours wishing I could just die, or that I'd never been born.

However I have a young daughter. I feel guilty for having created her. I hope she never struggles like me. I am trying to get better so I can give her the best possible start to her life. I feel so trapped.

I feel this way too. I think my contributing factors are that I'm such a logical, pragmatic person and don't do things without knowing the reason/purpose behind it, so find it hard to live life without knowing the point/end goal? And I can see how religion removes this issue for many. I'm also extremely financially blessed shall we say which has somewhat robbed me of the drive to engage in the daily grind others must do, which leaves me with a lot of time to think which is never a good thing. I also find when I haven't been taking care of myself well (bad diet, poor sleep, no exercise), these feelings are at their strongest. I've often heard that giving back and helping others can reduce/remove these feelings and so volunteering is my next intention.

When I stumbled across this thread I was fully prepared to be offended. My dad killed himself and I found his body in bed when I was ten years old.

Maybe a few years ago I would have been offended actually. There are so many complex emotions dealing with something so selfish yet difficult to understand.

For a long long time I resented that man. He was shit when I was growing up then he really fucked us over by doing that, especially leaving me to find him. I still resent him, yet love him and hate him.

But as the years have gone on. I'm sad to say like so many people on this thread I can actually completely understand why he did what he did. I'm torn between thinking he "had the guts" to complete it. And half angry that he actually went through with it. I have kids. I couldn't do that to them. But maybe now I'm just not as desperate as he is?

I was diagnosed with bipolar in early adulthood- and I wonder if I would have had any mental health issues if it wasn't for the trauma and subsequent ongoing shitshow that was my life after his suicide.

So half of me is like - fuck it. Someone wants to put a gun to my head, crack on. Life is a sick joke.

The other half wants me to fight tooth and nail to feel something to feel alive again. For my kids.

It's a horribly conflicting place to be and I don't like it at all. Especially when on paper I've got everything that everyone wants. A DH, amazing kids, a lovely home, decent job. Just currently, none of it is fulfilling.

But no OP, you're not alone. At all. And I think as a society that's really quite sad and frightening.

How is everyone feeling today?

I feel like the cloud is lifted slightly today, I didn’t cry so that’s a start.

@Mixitupalot still feeling much the same to be honest.

Although I've had some positive meetings regarding my fertility so there's something to smile about xx

I also totally understand feeling like this. From the outside I've always appeared happy, but I was bullied horrifically back at school which left me with lasting PTSD that has been an ongoing battle that I have tried everything for. I'm not actively suicidal, but just feel like I don't want to be here a lot of the time and don't see the point to a lot of stuff anymore.

Pretty much the same.

My LL still hasn’t emailed the documents needed for my homelessness application, won’t even answer me asking for it, but is hammering me with messages if I don’t respond immediately to her trivial messages.

I also almost cut my foot open this morning on a bodge job that she did (an Environmental Health ordered repair - one of many) - so I’ve taken photos and sent them to the officer dealing with it all.

My support worker visited for the first time on Thursday; he was amazing and I feel like a weights been lifted in terms of, someone gets how fucking hard things are for me.

DD2 has her CAMHS assessments in 3 weeks; I’m waiting on the questionnaires they’re sending out.

I'm still waiting for my new antidepressants to kick in (assuming they ever will). I used to have things I enjoyed, things that made me glad to be alive. I miss that feeling and I really need it back. But I worry that even if it does come back, I can't... unthink my unhappy existential thoughts. They will probably still be there, every waking moment, muttering in the background "This is all pointless."