I understand why people have enough of life ***MNHQ content warning***

[enoughforme]

Many people act like it's terrible and how could someone feel so low to do that. I get it.

I can understand why someone thinks - fuck this.

I don't want to offend anyone by this post I just honestly feel like that, and I wonder is it weird?

I don't think it's a mystery and can totally understand why someone gets to the point of thinking I don't really want to bother with this anymore.

Perhaps I am abnormal thinking this way, I don't know. I'd never personally commit suicide because I'd be scared and also would worry for others - but I don't feel particularly I love life to the extent where I want to cling to it either.

Sorry if this post offends anyone it wasn't the intention but just wandering if I'm abnormal with my thoughts.

Yep, 100% get what you mean. I see my life as one day closer to death, I’ve never really been truth happy. Well, in short burst, then it’s back to square one and waiting to die because I can’t commit suicide. I would never do it as I know the pain it leaves behind but all the same I understand why people do it.

I relate to this I don’t think I’ve ever been happy since I was about 14 . I always feel so much of life is just hassle and drudgery and only fleeting moments of enjoyment . I think most people I know plod along but don’t really question any of it . If you say to friends or family about feeling crap you tend to get responses like don’t we all or you could have it worse .

@enoughforme I'm late 40s and think I've felt like this for about 10 years off and on.

I've had depression in the past and this is definitely not depression. I've heard it's called "ennui"(sp) and it's not uncommon especially as you get older.

I went through this in my late 30s after a series of negative life events including many bereavements. Just that how exhausting it all was and I was only 30-something and couldn't imagine having to slog thorough another 30-something years.

Was diagnosed with depression and had a child not long after that and my mindset has done a complete 180. I do see what you are getting at though OP as covid has sucked so much joy out of life and so many of us just see the same sodding 4 walls day in and day out!

Have you been to the doctor about this (sorry if I missed this point on the thread)?

*through

You mentioned not having a child 'yet', are you considering it? Not saying this is a fix AT ALL - just interested.

I completely understand op. No one in my life realises just how depressed I am with life, because on the surface everything is fine. BUT, what they don't know is that I suffer with low self esteem and very bad insomnia, and I've found that the only thing that helps me to sleep is to imagine that I've taken enough sleeping pills to end my life, and I fall into the deepest sleep within minutes. Perhaps this is because it's a relief? Who knows. You're definitely not alone x

Completely understand and used to feel like this myself.
What changed for me was when I had a child with a disability. It made me see how unfairly people with disabilities are treated and it gave me something to fight for - a passion.
Even if you have reached all your personal goals in life, would you consider volunteering for a cause that you feel passionately about? And if you don't have anything you feel strongly about, you could start researching some topics such as refugees and asylum seekers, disability discrimination, racism, LGBTQI+ rights, autism awareness etc, etc

@isthisouting I have been to the doctors yes.

I had some anti depressants and I did feel better but came off them due to TTC.

DH thinks I'm ridiculous coming off them but I can't do it, for the sake of a potential child I think I should just battle through but that's a whole other thread I guess.

It’s crap isn’t it, what have we done to ourselves?! Animals are free yet we’ve trapped ourselves in a monetary system where we spend our days working just so we can live. Is it just me? It’s not meant to be like this, is it?

I’m praying the fucking robots do take our jobs do we can actually sack off work for good and just live! Create and do positive things and just be!

Same I'm not happy about my life. Not suicidal but I m just passing my time on the earth. Don't understand the meaning of life. I don't have goals, I have seen pretty much the world, I m just tired I dunno what's the purpose of it.

@WorldsBestBoss

Completely understand and used to feel like this myself. What changed for me was when I had a child with a disability. It made me see how unfairly people with disabilities are treated and it gave me something to fight for - a passion. Even if you have reached all your personal goals in life, would you consider volunteering for a cause that you feel passionately about? And if you don't have anything you feel strongly about, you could start researching some topics such as refugees and asylum seekers, disability discrimination, racism, LGBTQI+ rights, autism awareness etc, etc

This is a good point actually as one of the main differences in my own life from when I felt such apathy, is that I volunteered for a cause I'm hugely passionate about and now work (paid) for them (half the pay, priceless sense of purpose).

@isthisouting yes currently TTC and that's having its own challenges! It's not adding to my feelings though as I felt like this many years before these challenges came along

@brokenbiscuitsx

It’s crap isn’t it, what have we done to ourselves?! Animals are free yet we’ve trapped ourselves in a monetary system where we spend our days working just so we can live. Is it just me? It’s not meant to be like this, is it?

I’m praying the fucking robots do take our jobs do we can actually sack off work for good and just live! Create and do positive things and just be!

Agree 100%

@WorldsBestBoss honestly this sounds awful but I don't care enough about anything to fight for it. I am very opinionated and have views and stand up for what I believe in day to day conversations but to be an activist or volunteer is it doesn't interest me.

Slightly envious of People that do it as id love to be passionate enough to bother

@brokenbiscuitsx 😂 I kind of agree with you!

I agree. It all seems so mundane. I have a DC, they're what keeps me here but it's hard work.

This is how I am feeling at the moment, OP. But I feel like I can't do the ultimate deed as it would hurt my friends and family too much. But I also feel so stuck at the same time.

I am under local MH crisis team at the moment.. had a change of meds but now the rest is up to me. It seems so daunting.

Lost my mum to suicide three years ago and she talked a lot about it throughout my childhood so for me, someone not wanting to be alive - as Virginia Woolf says I'm The Hours, that "it is possible to die" - has always been a part of my psyche. I have rarely felt suicidal myself, but I do sometimes feel like getting to the end of the day is a relief and life feels like an obstacle course I just want to swerve. But for me in the back of my mind is the thought that I can just stop. I could stop all this, striving, trying, worrying what people think or need or want. Knowing I could makes it possible not to, somehow.

But yes, no-one deceive yourself your kids would be "better off without you". Doesn't matter how shit a parent you are or think you are, suicide is effectively having the last word and leaving the room forever. Grief is never easy, but grief complicated by suicide is incredibly difficult to process. Guilt, anger, guilt about feeling anger... And the questions that will never, ever be answered. I don't think people should stay in unbearable pain (physical or mental) for anyone else's comfort; but don't for a second think that suicide won't set a fucking bomb off in your children's lives because it will.

This thread massively resonates with me.
I'm not depressed, I like my life even but I could have written that op.

I don't sleep and am often awake at 4 in the morning even tho I have to get up for work. I feel so weary. I am really done in and wish too I could click my fingers and there would be no more. I hate this feeling of being trapped in staying for others. I am glad you raised this OP - it seems you are not alone,

[quote enoughforme]@isthisouting I have been to the doctors yes.

I had some anti depressants and I did feel better but came off them due to TTC.

DH thinks I'm ridiculous coming off them but I can't do it, for the sake of a potential child I think I should just battle through but that's a whole other thread I guess. [/quote]
I stopped the ADs I'd just started taking when I found out I was pregnant - so I totally get your mindset. It was actually okay (bar a bit too much anxiety) during pregnancy as there was something else to focus on.

Ended up taking meds about 9 months post-birth which helped, then came off them but have a couple of prescriptions at home as it's been tough at times during the pandemic.

That said, having our child was the best choice we ever made, brings immense joy and I'm now trying to really look after myself so I can be here as long as possible for my DC!

@enoughforme

I do wonder if you think life isn't worth the candle why you are trying to bestow it on someone else? Not being bitchy, genuinely, just don't get it!

I feel the same. I’m not going to kill myself but I don’t want to live either.

@isthisouting that gives me some hope! I'm losses because I came off the ADs and have suffered losses that are dragging it out and the longer TTC drags out the longer I'm not in them which I probably need to be lol!

But your right whenever I've been pregnant these feelings somewhat subside because there's someone/something else to think about.

So I'm hoping parenting might bring the purpose I'm lacking - either that or it'll end up being a big mistake

I envy those that are religious and believe in heaven. For them this life temporary and it’s all about the reward of heaven.