I understand why people have enough of life ***MNHQ content warning***

[enoughforme]

Many people act like it's terrible and how could someone feel so low to do that. I get it.

I can understand why someone thinks - fuck this.

I don't want to offend anyone by this post I just honestly feel like that, and I wonder is it weird?

I don't think it's a mystery and can totally understand why someone gets to the point of thinking I don't really want to bother with this anymore.

Perhaps I am abnormal thinking this way, I don't know. I'd never personally commit suicide because I'd be scared and also would worry for others - but I don't feel particularly I love life to the extent where I want to cling to it either.

Sorry if this post offends anyone it wasn't the intention but just wandering if I'm abnormal with my thoughts.

@alliwantisabitofpeace your post made me want to swoop in and rescue you. Totally valid feelings and you need to see some value in each day for that to change. Hugs x

I remember reading about a woman who was a mother and wife who died from malnutrition because she would only eat crisps.

They ruled her death not as suicide but said the woman had an 'ambivalence to life.'

Im lying down in bed, cant sleep after a day of mundaness. I have never read a post on mumsnet that so closely resonates with how i feel. On paper my life is great on social media my life is great however i feel mentally drained every day and i lack patience with those around me. Im supposed to be super happy as i am getting married next year. Everything i do is an effort even with my children. I wont commit suicide ever but life in general for me isnt great. I dont think I felt so bad before covid. I think now its because iv realised how corrupt greedy and selfish people are.

I'm not suicidal but if someone told me I would die tomorrow it wouldn't bother me. I'm not trying to kill myself but I'm not actively trying to live. I've had a shit few years, lost my dp, am disabled & then started with an illness that has left me in a wheelchair & I've had enough.

@TeachesOfPeaches

I remember reading about a woman who was a mother and wife who died from malnutrition because she would only eat crisps.

They ruled her death not as suicide but said the woman had an 'ambivalence to life.'

If I didnt have kids that might be a good way to go. But I can't work out which crisps I'd go for.

Unfortunately I feel the same as OP and my purpose is my kids. I am so lazy and tired, keeping myself alive is exhausting

I never see another human being any more

I'm always astonished when women with non adult children do it. I can't fathom how anyone's misery could be so bad that they'd willingly inflict that level of damage on their own child

I'm autistic with adhd and have had to give up work and I can't interact with others anymore because it makes me feel so much more anxious and depressed. I'm bored rigid and don't have a purpose beyond cleaning the house. I have depression and often wish I was dead. Sometimes I wish I could get sick and then I could refuse treatment then my family would think I died of natural causes. This is it for the rest of my life. What's the point?

@Fearless9286

I lost a family member to suicide and spent a lot of time reading about this topic in an attempt to understand why they had chosen to take their own life. A lot of suicide survivors and mental health professionals described the choice to complete suicide not so much as no longer wanting to live, but as wanting to end pain they experienced due to a mental illness.

What you describe sounds like passive suicidal ideation, thoughts of life ending but with no active plans to end your own life if that makes sense. This is with the caveat that I am 100% not a mental health professional and I would recommend speaking to Samaritans or similar support services if you ever feel you are at risk or just want to chat through your thoughts.

Even if you might think your going would have no impact, I have seen first hand the huge, gaping hole that is left behind. The added guilt of "What if I had done/said....." that comes with a bereavement through suicide can torment your friends and family for years to come.

I do agree with PP who said that death is such a taboo topic, considering it is inevitable for all of us at some stage. I'd recommend a book called "We All Know How This Ends" that helps explain death in a factual yet sensitive way.

Yes, precisely this.

My aunt killed herself at 54 and left quite a detailed diary about what she was going through internally (none of us knew or had an inkling as she hid it well). She writes about suffering from anxiety and being unable to shake off a feeling that something bad was going to happen which stopped her from enjoying her days as she had when she was younger. She'd suffered from this for years apparently and would experience it when waking up. This always put her on edge and made her quite irritable and quick to anger, which she said was because she was emotionally in pain and anguished. She couldn't understand why she felt angry and on edge all the time.

She also wrote about depression and how she was finding it near impossible to get even the simplest things done. The diary which spans 4 years before she ended herself is an extraordinary document. A great deal of it are lists of things she is trying to do and it's heartbreaking to see the same items carried over week by week, from year to year. One that I remember is she writes about the lightbulb has blown in the living room but needs to ask her neighbour who has a ladder to change it for her (she could have asked any one of us to do it) but didn't. She sat in the kitchen, which she said was uncomfortable or else it was sitting in the living room in the dark in the evenings. This went on for years. She said she was going to buy a TV but never got around to it. My mother said when she died she had a desk full of outstanding unpaid bills and reminders - this was the 1970s when you had to send a cheque or pay at the post office - and about £60K in the bank. Clearly she was struggling a great deal emotionally and in the end it all must have got on top of her. I do remember my mum saying that she'd also taken to putting all her domestic garbage in her spare room.

It's really sad. Sometimes it is impossible to know what is going on with someone else especially if they are not sharing it. My mother doesn't like to discuss it and I always get the impression that she feels she could have done more.

I did manage to get a bit more background from my dad who told me that my aunt had been involved with someone at work and when the relationship finished, she'd quit her job. At the start she'd always planned to get another but then the time at home turned into years. My mum (her sister) had been quite annoyed at the time as she was bringing up three children, looking after the house, my dad and taking care of my dad's mum who was sick and was always very busy.

Yes I do believe that life can sometimes seem overwhelming or pointless. For me the emptiness has come because of circumstances mostly. I thought that when I found love and had a child the emptiness would go away but unfortunately loving my husband and child means that I worry when things go wrong for us such as accidents or bullying in school etc. I have sometimes thought I can’t cope any more and it would be better if I wasn’t here. Talking it through with professionals I realise that I have significance in life because I am needed and loved by family. But even if I had no family I am significant and loved. This is because I believe in God and that I am made in his image and I can have a positive influence in my life on others. I know what I am saying sounds a bit contradictory because it is possible to have a faith and yet sometimes feel insignificant. I feel my life is a battle to get the upper hand over depression but I believe that asking God for help has saved me. It is not simple though as people in family have been abused even though we trusted in God to protect us so faith in God is not a simplistic crutch to get you through life. But I would rather believe that I am significant and loved by God with a purpose in life than not believe in him at all and be looking at a life without meaning

Yes life is pointless of course. But some of the discussion on this thread is based around the idea that there is something after death. Some people believe that, others don't but still fall in to talking about it that way. "Death will be peaceful" "a relief" "no more boredom", well no, it won't be any of those things, it will be nothing. You won't be there in spirit to see your funeral, you won't feel peaceful, you won't think phew don't need to go to work today.

I certainly don't judge people who want to die though. I'm in favour of changing our euthanasia laws and even extending it to people that aren't terminally ill but just want to die. Who am I to say what they should do, that their pain isn't bad enough.

@Charlize43 your post is heartbreaking to read and yet I can relate to some of what your Aunt felt. Complete overwhelm. I, too, find myself carrying tasks over week after week, month after month, the other week I realised it had become year after year.

I can see how people end up making the final decision. I often wonder what I'd do if I got really sick, it would be a way out without the guilt.

@shelddd - sounds fabulous, except I do have a DC and a vulnerable family member that needs me, so turning into a sexual deviant with a cocaine habit really isn't where I would like to spend my pointless time...
Not to mention again, I agree with op, I'll likely live to 100 and totally fuck my health up.
I've definitely not been golden by anyone standards, but really don't see the attraction in totally ruining everything and loosing those close to me.

.....and op, my post was abit lighthearted, but true. Doesn't help ive spent the last 3 hours battling against an awful case of cystitis and pissing razor blades, which is also making me think...

WTF IS THE ACTUAL POINT.

The same here @enoughforme

I am probably depressed but I don’t think there’s any therapy that could help. It’s just how I feel about the world. I’ve had lots of moments of happiness and I have a sense of humour that I cling to, I laugh a lot. But ultimately I find life pretty tragic and hard. FWIW I have a very privileged life and for that reason alone I wouldn’t voice this to anyone IRL other than a close friend who actually feels the same.

It’s funny because I don’t absolutely hate being here but I don’t particularly enjoy it either. I find life can be quite dull and painful. But as I say, I’m sure I’m depressed and I do wonder what it would be like to be happy everyday. I hear some are!!

I completely understand you @enoughforme. As a previously suicidal person and a widow by suicide I understand and I am not offended.

I have too many thoughts on the subject to really put them into one reply but yes none of it means anything and death is inevitable. I have children and I think we are on the planet to procreate, I think it's every species innate goal. Being a parent certainly gives you less time to think about the meaninglessness of life.

My children are damaged by their fathers suicide though. Children who have had a parent commit suicide are 3 times more likely to die by suicide themselves. I'm fairly resigned to the fact one of my children will die by suicide. And I know which one.

I have no suicidal thoughts myself but I can understand why some people may feel that low.

I have nothing but sympathy for anyone who commits suicide - what a sad place they must have emotionally been in.

You can be on SSRIs and be pregnant. I am.

This thread is fascinating. I had no idea so many felt similar. I came from a pretty poor background, single parent, lots of unpleasantness then worked my way through to uni, got a career, earn good money, married, 2 DC, house in nice area.. All the boxes tick tick tick but as I head for 50 I'm just so bored of everything. Covid made me stop and look as I couldn't do my usual manic socialising or kids activities, so now it's just work, cleaning, cooking, tidying, parenting. I'd never actually commit suicide because of my DC but the thought going to sleep and not waking up doesn't bother me at all.

@DinosaurDiana

I’m of the opinion that you’re not asked if you want to be born, so why should you be made to live.

I was also going to add, but didn’t for fear of it being pulled, that I think there should be somewhere that you can go to end it in dignity. It would also mean that someone wouldn’t have to ‘find’ you.

As a nurse I’ve had many an elderly and dying person say that they are tired of living, and that they just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
They aren’t frightened, very accepting of it being the end.

An ambivalence to life sums it up perfectly for me.

I smoke. I know it will likely shorten my life but I don’t care. I drink a little too much, I don’t always eat well. I don’t have the motivation to tackle any of these things because I don’t have the drive to want to live as long as possible.

My DC are in their early 30s. I’ve achieved what I wanted to at work and in fact have now gone part time. I’ve done almost everything on my “bucket list”. I fill my time with hobbies and stuff but it is just a way of passing time. I don’t necessarily want to die right now, but I don’t have any regrets or things I wished I’d done so I’m not afraid of dying either. Life is bloody hard for most of us. A part of me is looking forward to an eternal sleep!

Hi all, and thanks for the reports. We've moved this thread over to the Mental health section now.

As usual when these threads are flagged up to us we add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Regarding ADs and pregnancy - I had recently starting taking them when I became pregnant and the GP advised me to stop. I did and my anxiety levels went through the roof. After discussion with the GP we decided to go back on them at a slightly lower dose as they reckoned that the benefits outweighed the risk. Baby was absolutely fine - they just had to monitor for withdrawal symptoms for a few days.

I'm no expert but from the way you come across in your post I'd think it would be better for you to be trying to get on top of these feelings before TTC.

Thank you OP for starting this thread, you and many others have articulated how I feel very well. I'm not suicidal at all but I'm not scared of death, it would be welcome in so many ways. Ambivalent is a good description.
I'm mid forties and have felt like this since I had my son nine years ago. I adore him, he's a great kid and is so good and caring. but I feel that all of the fun in life has been replaced by drudgery. My existence now seems to be to facilitate others to have an easier life. On paper its fine - I have a good job, decent money, holidays etc. But really I just work, cook and sleep. There's no time for anything else so if I were to die I wouldn't be missing out on anything. I have no passion for anything, no time for hobbies, no real relationship with DP other than co parent as we've pretty much given up.

I can relate to this OP. I feel similar, not all the time, but increasingly so as I get older. I'm in my thirties too, and have reached all the main 'goals' in life apart from kids. I don't have any desire for kids, but do sometimes wonder if having a baby would reinvigorate my love for life and give me something else to focus on. Not sure whether that's a good enough reason to bring another person into the world though!