My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

[Daphnise]

I would fire you too.

And no termination session, there would be a significant risk you would behave in the same way that got you fired!

[RaineyMae]

I presumed her boundaries would be strong enough to contain my stories even if they came out in a tsunami - and I expected her to clearly tell me the rules and if I was in breach of them.

I wasn't attacking her. I was trusting her to be in charge - so that I could relax into unspooling the story rather than 'managing' the relationship.

[Cocomarine]

@RaineyMae

She emailed firing me the day that we had been meant to meet - and I sent chocolates the following week because I thought that was a 'human' gesture that I was sorry I upset her.

How is that weird?

I don't IRL ever have relationships end like this - and I would always go in with chocolates or flowers if I upset someone to the point that they were lashing out at me.

“I would always go in with”… do you mean that you actually have went apology chocolates before? Or just that you’re so sure it’s a universal gesture, that you think that’s what you’d always do?

Honestly not saying this to be mean, but just to help you understand that you’re way off.

Chocolates and card cross a line of perceived intimacy with your therapist.

Personally, I don’t think they add to a proper verbal apology anyway. Words matter more than a gift. I’m reminded of the shit boyfriends who throw cheap flowers and chocolate at their girlfriends after poor behaviour and then just continue that behaviour.

A short email, saying that you apologise for xyz, is the professional way to apologise to anyone that you don’t have a personal relationship with.

[LonginesPrime]

I've never bern a therapist, but it does sound like it would be overwhelming because even if you don't need a response to your emails, she still needs to have read them all and have taken them in to be able to follow the next stuff you say to her, so I can see why someone might be experiencing information overload, especially if she typically conducts her therapy sessions through talking therapy as opposed to emails.

I was sending a 'lot' of emails (like - 6 in a week) - which were basically filling in my back story. So not like 'I'm so stressed' - but more like 'Let me explain to you exactly what happened here in full detail - and maybe you will have a different perspective on the situation'

I also wonder from this whether she felt that perhaps she's not the best person to help you as you seem to have been trying to convince her to change her advice/opinions based on persuading her to see things your way.

If she doesn't agree with you and doesn't feel you're prepared to accept her viewpoint, I think it makes perfect sense for her to have said so rather than to continue to take your money for a service where you clearly don't feel you're getting what you need from her and she agrees that she can't give you what you need at the moment.

It doesn't always work out, so I would move on and concentrate on finding someone who better matches your communication style.

[Librariesmakeshhhhappen]

But you were managing the relationship. You were sending her agendas for your session. You were cancelling your sessions but still expecting to get a phone call during the time slot. You're sending her gifts. No no no.

[Maia77]

I think she hasn't dealt with it professionally. She should have scheduled a session and allowed you to talk about your issues and also explored with you, your therapeutic relationship and possible ways of moving forward or terminating. Hoverer, abrupt endings are to be avoided, as they can harm clients. Unprofessional.
If you're not happy you can contact her professional body and file a complaint.

[WhatMattersMost]

It's worth bearing in mind that therapists are not emotionally immune from their clients, nor in many approaches should they be. If you're feeling overwhelmed, they will be feeling that too to a greater or lesser degree. The difference is that their training should enable them to manage themselves better. [The transference/countertransference relationship]

Having said that, quite a few years ago I fired a Borderline client who acted out in sessions so much that I became their emotional punching bag. Back then I didn't have sufficient experience or supervision to deal with them. I referred them to someone who was far more equipped, and my client refused, and I made the decision to stop working with them. I know how quickly it's possible to reach overwhelm as a therapist when conditions are not conducive for whatever reason.

[Maia77]

She is the one responsible for setting boundaries and managing them, not you.

[Thesheerrelief]

You said that it "felt harsh not to retrieve anything at all out of the paid for slot on a difficult day" - the slot that you'd sent an agenda for and then cancelled with short notice. You then requested a "reassuring phonecall" and got irate when that wasn't possible. Followed by a card, chocolates and another email requesting a termination session. Surely you can see why she'd need to step back from all that?

[Pinkdelight3]

Even the 'upset' and 'lashing out' is too personal a way to talk about this relationship. Agree that she needed to lay down and enforce firmer boundaries, but also unsure if you'd have stuck to them as you're treating it like a friendship or other 'human' relationship, but it's not going to work that way and it will be overwhelming with this approach.

[Cocomarine]

@RaineyMae

I presumed her boundaries would be strong enough to contain my stories even if they came out in a tsunami - and I expected her to clearly tell me the rules and if I was in breach of them.

I wasn't attacking her. I was trusting her to be in charge - so that I could relax into unspooling the story rather than 'managing' the relationship.

But it seems you don’t even know the rules yourself?
In one thread you’ve said you paid her to read your emails, you said in them that you would like her perspective, but you also said she didn’t have to read all of them.
What did you actually agree with her?
Did she really just say, “yeah - email me” without ever discussing if she’d bring the points to F2F session?
Did you really think 6 long emails in a week wasn’t too many for the time you paid for?
It’s not OK to think it was up to the therapist alone to manage that.

[RaineyMae]

No - I haven't sent apology chocolates before - but I have given a lot of chocolate in my time.

Teachers, postmen, neighbours looking like they're having a bad day, friends who post needy shit on Facebook.

They are convenient because they're letter box sized.

Normally if I feel I have upset someone - I talk to them - and we smooth it over - but obviously that doesn't work with ghosting after an angry email. It's a really strange way to close off with anyone - let alone someone who you delivered a lot of personal detail to - and who up until then had been all 'you can trust me' vibes,

[LateAtTate]

What’s her market rate compared to others?
She sounds inexperienced and cutting you off cold is v unprofessional. However you seem to have unrealistic expectations.
There are therapists who will give you the level of support you seem to want but they’re very very expensive.
You don’t seem to understand the objective of therapy

[LateAtTate]

*but neither does she know how to deal with difficult clients
Sorry posted too fast

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

I’m sorry but chocolates as apology are for a friendship. She’s not your friend. She was your therapist.

[RaineyMae]

@Cocomarine - I paid for an extra hour of reading time on top of every hour that we met F2F.

I said ' I will send you too much because I am overwhelmed. Please carve your own path through my story and we can work out which bit of it is useful to work on'.

[LolaSmiles]

This is one of those situations where it would be very interesting to hear the therapist's side.

She could be unqualified, unregistered, and unprofessional, or she could be a qualified and registered professional who has been bombarded by quite a demanding client and after a series of issues, after having sought supervision and guidance, chosen to terminate the client-therapist relationship with a clean break.

[WhatMattersMost]

@RaineyMae - What kind of therapist was she?

[purplecorkheart]

Honestly we are only being told your view of this so I do not think it is fair to ask us to comment. I do feel their are two sides to this story.

[touma]

Multiple boundaries crossed by you.

It's something you should work on when you find a new therapist.

This is not acceptable behaviour.

She's well within her rights to not respond to you at the moment or at all.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

Have you tried journalling ot get all your details out and maybe bringing your journal to sessions so you can hit on the bit you want to?

Writing stuff out as you did in your emails sounds like a great idea, since you say you understand things better for yourself, on re-reading them. You can do that without a therapist, or without bothering your therapist about it.

It sounds to me as though you don't understand how much work it takes for a therapist to read emails (6 times a week??? how long were the emails?). It's all very well to say she can just skim through them, but I assume she'd have to read them thoroughly to understand what the important bits are; she might print & file them; she might make professional notes; & she might use them to assess your mental/emotional state & decide if she needs to do anything else for/about you. You're asking her to do that six times a week. Think about that.

I think you need to understand things from your therapist's position as well as your own. Try to be more resilient & not use her for everything, e.g. the 'you go, girl' could have come from anyone, not necessarily from her.

I do appreciate how difficult & time-consuming it can be when there's a complicated back-story.

[Librariesmakeshhhhappen]

She didnt lash out at you. She terminated the professional relationship. You could argue that she should have had a face to face termination session, but I'm going to be maybe a bit harsh and suggest that the email you sent complaining about her not giving you a 5 minute call during your cancelled slot wash more forceful than you are letting on. That email, coupled with the massive amount of content you've been sending her everyday, maybe has made her feel that she needed to immediately cut you off.

Just find a new therapist. Explain to them (face to face) how you acted through this and ask them how you can manage it going forward with them.

[MichelleScarn]

Sadly I think pp are right, your description seems to be more like someone who's had a falling out with a colleague or friend. And very emotive language.
Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.
Ghosted my apology The cards and chocolates again a bit too much and probably unnerving for her and do you mean she was lashing out at you because you'd upset her?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I agree with the PP who said that a therapist would need to hold very rigid boundaries in dealing with you. No emails, no contact between sessions, and sessions to be led by them.

Instead of ruminating on what happened and trying to find evidence that you are in the right, you should move on and find another therapist better suited to your needs.

[unim]

@Confusedandshaken

As a therapist myself I cannot imagine a scenario when an online relationship would be ended so abruptly. The only time I ever finished with a client without offering a closing session was when he ( face to face ) threw furniture around the counselling room. In every other situation I have terminated the session when necessary but always offered at least one more session for closure.

Either they are a terrible, unethical therapist or there is something very important we aren't being told here. Have you broken the contract in some way in relation to being drunk or high when emailing? Or in regards to abusing a third party? That might be a deal breaker but I would expect the therapist to spell it out of that's the case.

I don't think it's right to suggest that only a terrible and/or unethical therapist would terminate a therapy relationship without a final session for closure.

This isn't something that is covered in the BACP ethical framework exactly - for example, although BACP accredited therapists should ideally give clients time to prepare for therapy ending, this might be in conflict with need to maintain appropriate boundaries and exercise a good level of self-care as a practitioner.

I would expect a therapist in this situation to discuss it all with their supervisor, but I'm not surprised that they have ended the client-therapist relationship and it doesn't seem unethical. Complex, though, maybe.