My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

[Regularsizedrudy]

You pay for the time in the therapy SESSIONS. You should not be contacting your therapist outside of sessions apart from for practical reason (I can’t make today’s appointment etc). You should totally out of control and they are not obligated to read your rants.

[RaineyMae]

After she cancelled I sent a short apology email immediately followed by a box of chocolates and an apology card in the post.

Two weeks later I emailed requesting a termination session.

I've had silence - so not a sign off 'good wishes sorry it didn't work' or any kind of onwards signposting.

I really pissed her off basically - which is sad - and of course reasonable that she doesn't want to work with me any more - but she was my therapist not my friend. I'm bruised that there wasn't a more solid protocol to handle 'vulnerable person got upset' scenario.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Sound*

[Regularsizedrudy]

Omg sending a box of chocolates to your therapist is totally inappropriate!

[AtrociousCircumstance]

She handled it appallingly. Regardless of what you had sent, she didn’t behave in any kind of a professional manner and you’ve had a lucky escape.

[AnastasiaBeverleyHills]

Have you tried journalling ot get all your details out and maybe bringing your journal to sessions so you can hit on the bit you want to?

[Tangled22]

From what you’ve said it sounds like YABU.

You said your emails to her got “emotive” and she “took it as criticism”. If you sent her six emails along the lines of “Let me explain to you exactly what happened here in full detail - and maybe you will have a different perspective on the situation” - that sounds like you’re bombarding her with emails saying her interpretation/approach with you is wrong, you don’t agree with her “perspective” and this is why. That IS criticism.

You cancelled last minute and then you “pestered” her - also not okay. You then contacted her again and said “it was feeling harsh on my side to not retrieve anything positive at all out of the paid-for slot on a difficult day.” This is yet more criticism of her.

I think you have behaved unreasonably towards your therapist. Not sure what else to say really. Get a new therapist, but maybe try to maintain better boundaries with them this time.

[RaineyMae]

@Regularsizedrudy

It was agreed.

Alternate weeks were F2F or reading my correspondence.

If she can't get through it in that time - surely the obvious thing is to not read it all - or to set a specific expectation of 'no more than 2 emails a week'?

And talking too much on email does't make me dangerous or abusive - I still think it's weird that I was cut off without a close-out chat - even if that chat would have been 'Good God - write a book if you have so much to say'.

[DavidTheDog]

Hit doesn’t sound like your emails have much to do with it.

I agree with this. Could it be that she's just been keeping her boundaries around sessions? Her not replying does not mean ghosting.

The emailing thing is unusual. I would expect her to explore with you why it was important to you to suggest it (but not actually contract for it).

[unim]

It sounds as if the client-therapist relationship was just not working for her. This is just something that happens. It could be around the boundaries with email not suiting her.

Anyway, just as you are free to walk away and end the client-therapist relationship if it isn't working for you - so is your therapist.

I think she has given quite clear feedback about finding it overwhelming. Do remember that this is as much about her as about you - it may just be that she is somebody who finds it hard to cope with emails, or said yes and then found that the reality intruded too much into her life.

I would personally just leave it. Knowing that it is your final session is a 'nice to have' rather than a 'must have' - instead maybe you could have a session with a new therapist in which you discuss your feelings about the ending of the previous therapy? That might be more helpful as you could work through your feelings about it and establish a good relationship with a therapist who is a better fit?

[Cocomarine]

@RaineyMae

After she cancelled I sent a short apology email immediately followed by a box of chocolates and an apology card in the post.

Two weeks later I emailed requesting a termination session.

I've had silence - so not a sign off 'good wishes sorry it didn't work' or any kind of onwards signposting.

I really pissed her off basically - which is sad - and of course reasonable that she doesn't want to work with me any more - but she was my therapist not my friend. I'm bruised that there wasn't a more solid protocol to handle 'vulnerable person got upset' scenario.

She didn’t cancel, you did?

It’s actually not normal to be sending chocolates and cards through the post for a cancellation. They happen. All therapists are used to that.

Were they an apology for your behaviour, not your cancellation?

Sending gifts like that is not a gift boundary and she is right that you can’t continue to work together.

As I said before, I’m reluctant to say she didn’t terminate “properly” as we only have your side, and it’s clearly biased and muddled. Like I said, you start off all about emails that she might have misunderstood and only later say that actually you were rude and pestering on a specific occasion that led to this. So there could be other conversations where she has ended the therapeutic relationship professionally, and you ignored them, or are not telling us.

[Confusedandshaken]

As a therapist myself I cannot imagine a scenario when an online relationship would be ended so abruptly. The only time I ever finished with a client without offering a closing session was when he ( face to face ) threw furniture around the counselling room. In every other situation I have terminated the session when necessary but always offered at least one more session for closure.

Either they are a terrible, unethical therapist or there is something very important we aren't being told here. Have you broken the contract in some way in relation to being drunk or high when emailing? Or in regards to abusing a third party? That might be a deal breaker but I would expect the therapist to spell it out of that's the case.

[Thesheerrelief]

After she cancelled I sent a short apology email immediately followed by a box of chocolates and an apology card in the post.

Two weeks later I emailed requesting a termination session.

This is well intentioned but way too much. An apology card and chocolates is OTT. By that point she probably felt that a termination session was unlikely to be helpful to either of you.

[RaineyMae]

@Regularsizedrudy - what's wrong with mailing chocolates?

I upset her - and on a human level I was very sorry for that.

Chocolates is universal gesture of 'I'm apologise'

[WhatMattersMost]

@RaineyMae

There were two tiers of emails:

1) I was sending a 'lot' of emails (like - 6 in a week) - which were basically filling in my back story. So not like 'I'm so stressed' - but more like 'Let me explain to you exactly what happened here in full detail - and maybe you will have a different perspective on the situation'. No expectation of a reply - more like to get my thoughts in order and to have details presented relatively systematically.

Arrangement was that I paid for twice the hours that I actually saw her - to reflect the reading time.

2) The day I got sacked - we were meant to meet on Zoom. I had a bad day all round where I had a lot of high emotion meetings - and lost control of my scheduling. I emailed first thing in the morning with an agenda; mid morning to apologise that I could not be on zoom for the arranged time. Then I got stressed up to the sky and pestered within my actual paid for slot whether she could take part of the session by phone. Like - just a nice reassuring call on a shitty day - I'd obviously lost my chance of the actual therapy session. She accepted the cancellation at lunchtime - but then did something else across my slot - and came back to me sending what I thought was the final email - saying that I know she wasn't required to do anything further for me once I'd cancelled my session - but that it was feeling harsh on my side to not retrieve anything positive at all out of the paid-for slot on a difficult day.

As a therapist, I would have held you to far stricter boundaries: to try to hold off on emails between sessions, and with an acknowledgement on my part that anything you wanted to discuss would be brought up in sessions. So on that count, she lost control of the therapeutic relationship.

However, once you find someone who is able to hold you to more accountability, you'll need to explore your own behaviours in more depth. There's an argument that bombarding your therapist outside the sessions, and coming in with agendas, and trying to make last-minute changes, are all attempts to avoid a real encounter with someone else. I'm not sure you're able to see this right now though, as you're almost certainly in crisis. I hope you find someone soon.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

Chocolate were crossing a line.

And she didn’t cancel. You did.

[Cocomarine]

You haven’t answered the question from several people about her qualifications and registrations and where you found her?

In an unregulated market, she may indeed be utterly shit.

[YouokHun]

I may be a very different therapist compared to yours @RaineyMae and I think @Orf1abc’s question is key - what sort of therapy? From my perspective she should really have set better boundaries and been very clear from the outset about the therapeutic relationship and her T&Cs as it was obviously confusing and unclear what quantity and nature these emails were meant to be. Being very clear at the outset may sound too businesslike but it ultimately saves difficulties and upset later. In my approach (I’m a CBT therapist) we are very clear from the outset about what a client can expect out of a collaborative relationship. The idea ultimately is for clients to have agency in their own recovery rather than foster a constant communication.

It’s not clear what the length, regularity or content of your emails were but I think it is unfair to get cross with you after the event. If she felt the relationship was unlikely to work then she should explain this in a calm way and refer you on or recommend an alternative. We therapists are all human and we have bad days but we have to be careful to keep the client at the centre of it and if we are having difficulties in our own life we have to take time off or not if we feel able to focus on the client. My own example would be my situation recently; in the last year my father had been very ill and he died in March, it was a very difficult time made worse by Covid and I took two weeks off just to try and get my head round it. When I started seeing clients again I had to be sure I could keep my emotions out of it and not have “compassion fatigue” because my clients deserved my attention. Ultimately, whatever the therapeutic approach its success is very much about the relationship so perhaps there is someone else better suited. If it’s a private therapist make sure they have the correct qualifications and accreditations (ie BACP, BABCP) - it’s largely unregulated and there are some therapists and counsellors who are not really up to speed on some of these things, which is risky for the client’s wellbeing

[Librariesmakeshhhhappen]

You need to not contact her again. You realise that therapists are in quite a dangerous job, dont you? Sending essays by email almost every day, sending agendas for your sessions (instead of letting the therapist just do the job you're paying for), cancelling sessions, then pestering them during the cancelled slot, then sending an email telling her she was very mean to you for not allowing you to use time in the session THAT YOU CANCELLED, then you send her an apology email, then a box of chocolates and a card, and now an email asking to see her again.

She might very well be worried about your behaviour towards her. Leave her alone.

Get yourself a psychiatrist. Get daily sessions. Work through your stuff slowly and really let them do their job. Stop trying to be in control of it all.

[Viviennemary]

I dont think she is very professional. If she couldn't cope with the demands she should have drawn things to a close in a proper way. Doesnt sound like she is very suited to the job.

[ihtwsf]

Am I understanding this correctly?
You booked a slot.
You sent an agenda for the slot.
You then cancelled the slot at very short notice.
She accepted the cancellation and then booked something else in the cancelled slot.
You then decided you wanted to use part of the slot so you "pestered" her. Did you send emails or try to phone?

She then decided to fire you.

I don't blame her to be honest. I work with clients in a different industry and I would "fire" them as well for that sort of cancellation behaviour.

[RaineyMae]

She emailed firing me the day that we had been meant to meet - and I sent chocolates the following week because I thought that was a 'human' gesture that I was sorry I upset her.

How is that weird?

I don't IRL ever have relationships end like this - and I would always go in with chocolates or flowers if I upset someone to the point that they were lashing out at me.

[Cocomarine]

[quote RaineyMae]@Regularsizedrudy - what's wrong with mailing chocolates?

I upset her - and on a human level I was very sorry for that.

Chocolates is universal gesture of 'I'm apologise'[/quote]
It’s really not.
The universal gesture for apologising is - a verbal apology.

Chocolates are for friends, or more usually partners.
And even then, they’re for celebrations, or commiserations.

[Thesheerrelief]

Chocolates is universal gesture of 'I'm apologise'

In friendships or personal relationships, not a therapist-client relationship. Chocolates were inappropriate.

[unim]

@RaineyMae

There were two tiers of emails:

1) I was sending a 'lot' of emails (like - 6 in a week) - which were basically filling in my back story. So not like 'I'm so stressed' - but more like 'Let me explain to you exactly what happened here in full detail - and maybe you will have a different perspective on the situation'. No expectation of a reply - more like to get my thoughts in order and to have details presented relatively systematically.

Arrangement was that I paid for twice the hours that I actually saw her - to reflect the reading time.

2) The day I got sacked - we were meant to meet on Zoom. I had a bad day all round where I had a lot of high emotion meetings - and lost control of my scheduling. I emailed first thing in the morning with an agenda; mid morning to apologise that I could not be on zoom for the arranged time. Then I got stressed up to the sky and pestered within my actual paid for slot whether she could take part of the session by phone. Like - just a nice reassuring call on a shitty day - I'd obviously lost my chance of the actual therapy session. She accepted the cancellation at lunchtime - but then did something else across my slot - and came back to me sending what I thought was the final email - saying that I know she wasn't required to do anything further for me once I'd cancelled my session - but that it was feeling harsh on my side to not retrieve anything positive at all out of the paid-for slot on a difficult day.

Sorry, I've just read this.

It sounds as if you were behaving unreasonably and that it would have been pretty stressful for a therapist to be on the receiving end of that (sending an agenda on the same day, then cancelling the session, then expecting her time after you had cancelled, sending emails about how you felt her response was harsh, sending the chocolates etc).

Honestly, I can see why she might have felt the need to step away and establish a clear boundary.

I really do think you would benefit from talking about all of this with another therapist though as I think you will probably get some closure from reflecting on what happened and why it happened.

Have you considered therapy by text chat or email? It strikes me that this might suit you if you enjoy communicating by writing.