My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

[Foxhasbigsocks]

Op I get that this feels like unfinished business. Perhaps she has stuff going on in her life eg bereavement or something. There could be so much going on.

Maybe a nice cuppa and some escapist tv to help you try to wind down tonight before the operation

[FangsForTheMemory]

This seems odd to me . . . surely it's the therapist's job not to be overwhelmed?

I once had a counsellor tell me she couldn't help me the way I wanted, it was her way or the highway. She just said 'well I don't work that way. Come back when you change your mind. Bye! See you soon!'

Needless to say she never saw me again.

[mobear]

It sounds like your expectations of what a therapist should do for you are too high. I do not think it is a therapist’s role to hold your hand step by step through acute urgent situations multiple times a week (either by email or video call). Nor will they affirm decisions you’ve made or make decisions for you. They can be a useful tool but ultimately it’s your life. Your demands seem better suited to inpatient care, and even then you’ll get the level of attention and time you’re seeking but I think it is unlikely you’ll get the answers you want.

[Birkie248]

@mobear

It sounds like your expectations of what a therapist should do for you are too high. I do not think it is a therapist’s role to hold your hand step by step through acute urgent situations multiple times a week (either by email or video call). Nor will they affirm decisions you’ve made or make decisions for you. They can be a useful tool but ultimately it’s your life. Your demands seem better suited to inpatient care, and even then you’ll get the level of attention and time you’re seeking but I think it is unlikely you’ll get the answers you want.

I was thinking this. Have you engaged the correct professional service? It seems like you are asking for urgent advice and guidance?

[VVKills27]

Hi @RaineyMae. You have my utmost sympathy for whatever is us that you’re contending with, it sounds so hard. I personally don’t feel like this particular therapist handled matters in the most appropriate way based only on the info shared. Please don’t take it as a personal slight on you although I’m sure it must feel that way. You sound incredibly insightful, aware of your needs and articulate in how you express them. I am also someone who likes to offload everything for fear of not being honest enough or giving an accurate picture. Perhaps it takes a certain type of person to know how to be most effective on the receiving end. I know there will be a therapist out there who will be better suited to met your particular needs. Don’t let this deter you from looking elsewhere. Also, you may not have considered this but despite professional codes, therapists are only human too and can become overwhelmed through no fault of yours. This is no help to you obviously but I want to reassure you I’ve known this to happen and it may be no reflection on you whatsoever. The right therapist will set out clearer expectations and manage the ‘onslaught’ of information however overwhelming it may seem. Lastly, you are completely entitled to feel overwhelmed and to share this with an experienced professional & expect a level of support in return. You deserve this much.

[RaineyMae]

@mobear

I wasn't asking her to walk me through things step by step multiple times a week. I was asking for a regular debrief on what was going on and how I dealt with things going forwards.

I'm hearing that what I asked for wasn't a service therapists provided.

Bottom line though is that that leaves me very alone and 'un-help-able' .

'Inpatient' is missing the point of my situation. I'm a carer asking for care. If I wanted 'inpatient' I'd check in to the Hilton and watch some TV - but it wouldn't address what I went looking for. I was trying to invest in building up some set up that supported me in the psychological and emotional pressures of my caring responsibilities. Not 'fixing all my problems' but a regular sounding board for some of my problems who understood my situation.

[LateAtTate]

OP the majority of posters on here have no idea as to how the world looks very different for autistic people. Your DC deserve a mother who can operate at her best, fully supported.
Please do not give up on your quest to get help. A lot of people go through more than one therapist before finding one for them. I empathize with the the fact that it feels very personal especially since you had shared lots with her.

[VVKills27]

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs there! I could have sworn I put them in when typing 😳

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Having a therapist seems like very hard work frankly.

[LateAtTate]

@Foxhasbigsocks hello fellow ADHD -er

[LonginesPrime]

OP,

1. Your can't control what other people think of you, regardless of how hard you try to make amends or explain yourself - a saying that i find really helpful is "what other people think of you is none of your business".
   
   
2. I promise you, your therapist will not be thinking "god, what an awful person" about you - she will have moved on and you will be a distant memory. And no offence, but you were merely a client to her - she's not going to feel hurt or that it was a terrible argument or anything - she cut ties, rightly or wrongly, but she's moved on and isn't thinking anything about you now.
   
   
3. Good luck with your op tomorrow - my advice would be to get off MN, go have a hot bath and listen to some relaxing music in a darkened room. Focus on relaxing rather than trying to resolve all your problems before the op - that would be impossible and you will just end up more stressed. Your body needs you relaxed to heal so concentrate on chilling and not on long-gone therapists!

[Bouledeneige]

I have therapy to deal with a very sad and difficult family situation. I don't send emails between sessions and have to give 24 hours notice to cancel a session and not have to pay for it. I can't then try to reinstate a session after cancelling it - it's gone.

Your expectations of your counsellor seem pretty intense. Maybe you need a psychiatrist?

[WhatMattersMost]

@RaineyMae - All the very best for your op tomorrow. May it all go as planned, with a smooth and fast recovery.

Don't necessarily give up on therapy. You've had some superb suggestions here about what kind to choose. But I understand that's not your focus for now.

[Foxhasbigsocks]

@LateAtTate

I have a dd with asd op and so I know from seeing her just how overwhelming things can feel for people with asd.

And also as a mother caring for dds with nd and anxiety i have at times sobbed and panicked to therapists. You are not alone, though I know it might feel like it sometimes

[ForeverSausages]

@RaineyMae you just need a different therapist. I mean you were paying her (extra!) for reading the emails. If she thought it was too much, she should've just said. Please don't think you're "un-help-able". I had years of therapy. And I used to come out of each session thinking "oh she probably needs to lie down in a dark room after that". If you report the post as outing it'll get removed . You're not alone.

[RaineyMae]

@Bouledeneige - of course I paid for the session.

In fact - the way the payments were set up I also paid for the following week's reading session.

And I didn't claim I had a right to it.

It would have just been nice to have emotional reassurance on a very stressy day from someone who knew the score. Someone who knew how upset I was about the situation when I go to great lengths to put across and confident and relaxed air about everything IRL.

[RaineyMae]

And yes - I am intense.

I really really am. I always have been - and the peril of the last year has amped it up substantially.

In regular life I carefully modulate it.

But it gets so intensely tiring to apologise for just 'how I am'.

[Potteringshed]

@Bouledeneige

I have therapy to deal with a very sad and difficult family situation. I don't send emails between sessions and have to give 24 hours notice to cancel a session and not have to pay for it. I can't then try to reinstate a session after cancelling it - it's gone.

Your expectations of your counsellor seem pretty intense. Maybe you need a psychiatrist?

A psychiatrist won't provide that kind of support. Not an NHS psychiatrist. On the NHS the best you'll get is a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) who will see you once a week max and may be able to speak to you in between then if you're in crisis.

I honestly don't know if what the OP needs exists anywhere. It seems very very full on.

[LonginesPrime]

I was trying to invest in building up some set up that supported me in the psychological and emotional pressures of my caring responsibilities

Have you tried your local carer's centre? Mine offers amazing counselling and coaching - they're great with neurodivergence and really understand the kind of pressures disabled carers have to contend with.

My counsellor/coach was an absolute godsend at a really challenging time for my DC - it was really great to have a sounding board who really understood my circumstances, especially as my issues were specifically related to my caring role.

[LilyMumsnet]

Hi OP

We're just going to move your thread over to our mental health topic - we don't think AIBU is the best place for this discussion.

[Bouledeneige]

I understand OP but my counsellor doesn't provide day by day advice or reassurance. I think they have a lot of professional guidelines to prevent daily reliance/need. They will often suggest ending the service if they think dependency is suggested. It's just not professional ethics.

[mobear]

@RaineyMae The emails and the video calls are a form of hand holding/ support.

I understand what you were aiming to achieve but unfortunately those relationships take time to build and it sounds like you were trying to fast track that relationship with the level of intensity and time you were asking of your therapist.

One of the few ways to establish a relationship like that - at speed - if you are in acute emotional crisis is with inpatient treatment. I find it offensive that you would compare this to checking into the Hilton and watching TV. It is an effective way of treat people in acute emotional crisis. Obviously not everyone’s situations allow for it but that is a different point.

[RaineyMae]

I'm not in crisis though.

It's not like that.

I had a meltdown about a schedule change - but that's not a crisis. It's me losing control of my autistic frustration. I get upset and lose my shit. I say too much. I move on. I wasn't going to hurt anyone or break anything.

I also have a very complicated situation - that I wanted to talk through with a professional specifically because I was just overwhelmed with all the different things going on at once. I was handling it - I am handling it. But it really is a lot.

[Rebootheplanet]

You are not at all un-helpable OP. Your therapist just wasn’t able to help you. It could be she’s not experienced enough, it wasn’t the right sort of therapy (there are so many different therapies its hard to know who to go to and whether they offer something that could help) or it could be she wasn’t able to set clear and for boundaries .

It’s hard not to take it personally especially when you are dealing with so much . I do think it says more about her than you. It’s not your job to know everything as a client or to know what a therapeutic relationship should be like. As clients we are often emotionally in turmoil and in need of clarity and someone to help us work out what is going on and how we can deal with it and move forward. All the best for tomorrow and for a smooth recovery.

[Rebootheplanet]

Clear and firm boundaries that should have read.