My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

[Whywontthiswork]

Your behaviour was completely inappropriate. Surely you had a contract/working alliance, which you agreed at the start of therapy regarding expectations and boundaries?
It sounds like you had no respect for your therapist's boundaries at all and you treated your therapist as if she was there to do exactly what you want, when you want, and be able to read your mind.
I am not surprised that she feels that she can't have further contact with you. It might be helpful to think about what sort of support you think you need - talking therapy is about talking face to face, it happens in an agreed way at an agreed time, and your therapist is not there to give you impromptu pep talks - that's not therapy. It is not appropriate to hound your therapist to make contact with you when they've said they can't work with you and it is not ok to send a card and chocolates.
If you find that you are struggling with the boundaries of therapy it would be helpful to speak to your gp and explain this to them and find out what is available that might suit you better.

[ChaosMoon]

Your intentions with the chocolate were good but it was still inappropriate for the nature of the relationship.

Lots of counseling sessions are trying different styles of session due to Covid. One option I recently came across was all done via email. Something like that, with a therapist who has some experience managing that kind of relationship, might be a better fit for you.

[Babygotblueyes]

It is hard to say without more details but it seems like something you said crossed a line and that is was a non negotiable one. Could it have seemed like a threat? If so, it is not surprising she ended it and wont engage with you, apology or not. It is a shame you were not able to discuss it in more detail. Does she work for an agency or private practice? if it is an agency you could ask for some information about what happened and help to connect with someone else.

[baldafrique]

6 emails a week sounds like you constantly want to be on her mind in some way?

[LateAtTate]

@LolaSmiles that’s very true... OP’s behaviour has been very unreasonable but people who are emotional stable and reasons don’t go to therapy.
I’d have at least expected a final email from therapist stating ‘due to blah concerns we are not a good fit etc etc’

[Loudestcat14]

Let me explain to you exactly what happened here in full detail - and maybe you will have a different perspective on the situation

This sentence jumped out for me too. I wonder if from her perspective your many emails came across as trying to browbeat her into sharing your point of view, when professionally she had reached a different conclusion and wanted to help you based on that. If I were a therapist I would terminate the relationship for that alone, because if a client is so set in their beliefs that they are writing presumably very lengthy emails to me to every day basically saying I am wrong and I need to rethink my conclusion to what they've told me, I'd think there was little point continuing too.

[RaineyMae]

@LonginesPrime I was trying to do the opposite of persuade her to my opinion.

I said 'I don't understand what happened here. Instead of telling you my opinion - can I tell you the whole story in full detail - so that you can make your own opinion from the 'data' '

I didn't see how it was useful to go into a session with just 'XYZ treated me shitty' moaning - without setting things up so that she could give me constructive feedback (like some of you guys are trying to) that 'this relationship started going strange at this point - which I can see though you thought that was a not important thing'.

That's why I wrote so much - so it wasn't just a moan fest - but properly analysing what I thought happened and what someone else's view might have been. If it was easy - I would have done it myself. If it wasn't the right job for her - surely she could have expressed that in a more supportive way to not send me off with what felt like a character assassination.

[eekbumbler]

I think this is where online therapy can go wrong.

I've had countless sessions of counselling, psychotherapy and cbt - there was no way of contacting my therapists other than seeing them weekly.

It is very common for me and I guess like you , a lot of people to let it all out in their own time over email. It is too much.

There is too much for her to work on hour by hour at cost without speaking to you.

[unim]

@RaineyMae

I presumed her boundaries would be strong enough to contain my stories even if they came out in a tsunami - and I expected her to clearly tell me the rules and if I was in breach of them.

I wasn't attacking her. I was trusting her to be in charge - so that I could relax into unspooling the story rather than 'managing' the relationship.

It isn't about her boundaries not being strong enough to contain your stories, though.

It's about the boundaries around time management of sessions, sending a last-minute agenda on the day, cancelling, trying to uncancel, sending emails about it, sending the chocolates.

Those are maybe the things that you need to think about. It doesn't sound as if the agreed emails were the problem here.

[Cocomarine]

It’s not fair or helpful to use the term ghosted.

Ghosted would be if, after cancelling that session, she then ignored all emails requesting to book the next session.

She didn’t - she terminated. Whilst I understand why you wanted another session, she wasn’t ghosting you.

Had she mailed back and said, “in the circumstances I think I cannot provide what you want in that session, below is a list of therapists I’d personally recommend knowing their style and your issues. I wish you well.” do you not see that you might have written back to (politely) argue that no, it really would be helpful? And then what? Back and forth (unpaid for her: remember this is a job) until she stops replying?

You’re too emotional calling it ghosting.

Definitely move on, and find a qualified therapist elsewhere.

[Taliskerskye]

I don’t know why she agreed to emails. But they sound overwhelming. Your idea that she can pick and chose is living in cloud cuckoo land. It doesn’t work like that. Even with my simple work emails.
You need more F2F
Emailing isn’t working. The F2F might take years and years and years. But that’s the way life goes.

[Whattheactualfk]

Can you paste the content of the email you sent when you admit that you pestered her? It's hard to interpret the situation without some examples of the way you've been communicating.

[Taliskerskye]

It's about the boundaries around time management of sessions, sending a last-minute agenda on the day, cancelling, trying to uncancel, sending emails about it, sending the chocolates

Also this x 100000000

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

I said 'I don't understand what happened here. Instead of telling you my opinion - can I tell you the whole story in full detail - so that you can make your own opinion from the 'data'

That’s still your opinion of the events. It’s still your view.

[Kanaloa]

Your therapist may not have offered a closing out session because she didn’t think it would help. Even on this thread you don’t seem to be accepting that many people think you acted inappropriately. If you would have used the session to try and push your thinking onto the therapist it wouldn’t have helped at all. She felt it was inappropriately and the relationship wasn’t working - in my experience there’s no come back from that.

Also, you seem to want a lot from a therapist. When I have been in therapy, it was always clear to me that I had to do most of the work, the therapist was just guiding me in my journey.

[unim]

You are going down a rabbit hole by focusing on the emails and their contents. That doesn't sound like the main problem here.

[WorriedMillie]

As a therapist and former client, I can see this from both sides

OP, I think you need a new therapist, with clearly communicated boundaries from the outset. If contact between sessions is permitted, a sense of what is acceptable needs to be agreed by both parties

FWIW, I have never encouraged client contact between sessions, with the exception of admin stuff. It needs to be thought through and managed very carefully, if allowed. Client expectations and therapist availability and potential overwhelm need to be kept in mind.
I hope you can find someone you can work well with, there are lots of effective and experienced therapists out there, so please don’t let this experience put you off

[Maia77]

Of course some clients will try to blur or cross the boundaries (knowingly or unknowingly), but therapists should be able to manage that and shouldn't cut someone off just like that via email. That is unprofessional. They should discuss this with the client (who the therapist was happy to start working with and get extra money from) and see whether they can move past this and give the client another chance, or if not possible, refer them to another professional.

Endings are very important in therapy. They can cause a lot of harm to clients. Therapists should follow ethical guidelines outlined in their professional body's ethical framework.

[Kanaloa]

By that I mean, the therapist should not become a crutch you can use for support. It’s more about building yourself up so you can support yourself.

[Cocomarine]

@RaineyMae “character assassination”?
Why have you slipped that in now?
And why would you have sent chocolates to someone who gave you a character assassination?
There is a LOT of missing detail here!

[RaineyMae]

Tbh - I think I have already posted too much identifying information here & I should maybe ask MN about pulling it / generally be cautious about being copied into the Daily Fail.

I'm being accurate in my description (if I'd written it to flatter myself - so many people wouldn't be telling me how unreasonable I was!)

[Maia77]

@WorriedMillie The therapist was happy with contact between sessions as the client was paying extra for that.
I agree that the client needs someone better able to manage the relationship and able to work ethically.

[thecognoscenti]

I don't think there's anything identifying here OP. Except perhaps to your therapist. Do you want the thread pulled because other posters haven't universally agreed with your POV?

[TotorosCatBus]

You weren't ghosted. That means she suddenly disappeared.

I'm not sure that the emails were the problem. I suspect it's the cancellation fiasco that led her to end being your therapist.

Do you see your therapist as a friend? You use words like ghosted and sent chocolates and a card which is what you do for a friend rather than professional relationship. I think it cemented her decision as correct imo. People call their partner or friends for a "you go girl" pep talk. Your expectations that she would serve this purpose is unusual.

Have you thought about journaling in general? It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and that you feel better for it.

What sort of therapy was it ?

[RaineyMae]

@Cocomarine - I thought the only excuse for cutting someone off without onwards referrals or a close-out chat was if they were threatening or aggressive.

It's hurtful to feel that I have been categorised that way. That's what I mean by character assassination

Sure I was a lot - it's a lot this side of the screen too - but I was doing my best in good faith.