My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

[Gettingthereslowly2020]

The therapist shouldn't have agreed to the emails in the first place, she should have put boundaries in place.

It sounds like you found it helpful writing the emails so she could have encouraged you to keep a private journal that isn't shared with the therapist.

She is within her rights to stop working with you. She found you overwhelming and identified that she was out of her depth so it sounds like she did the right thing by stopping the sessions.

Find a therapist with more experience and be very honest with them about what has happened with this therapist. If you are honest about whatbhas happened, they can make a decision about whether they are qualified and experienced enough to work with you or if they can recommend someone who is more suitable for you.

[RaineyMae]

@Longestfewdaysupcoming - yeah - basically.

I was quite clear all through that she didn't 'owe' me to let me use the tail end of my slot - but it certainly felt like the universe was turning the knife that because my day had completely imploded and hence I lost all access to my mental health support.

To be clear - I'm not suicidal or self-harming. I was looking for a 'You Go Girl' pep talk going into difficult meetings.

I knew it wasn't her 'fault' - but I was still upset and disappointed about it - and tbh focussing my 'holding it together' for the string of other meetings I had in the rest of that day.

We obviously weren't a good fit if me getting upset infected her with getting upset - but I wasn't abusive or dangerous.

[LemonSwan]

I am not a therapist but I do have to deal with client management.

She should have managed the situation better to set boundaries, expectations etc.

That aside, its a very personal thing therapy and you need to click to make it work.

So it wasn't a good fit and it was not going to be as productive as it could have been with someone else.

See this as a good thing to use this opportunity to find someone better suited. Better than someone stringing you along in an unproductive relationship who wasn't a good fit

[Gazelda]

I can understand why the therapist thought the sessions weren't working out for you. And your expectations seem pretty high.
But I think it was very unprofessional for her to terminate the relationship this way.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

But she would’ve had prep to do for the person that filled your slot and notes to write up.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

And 6 very intense dense emails a week with a ton of backstory to unpick is a lot. Especially if you were then critical of her

[SweetPetrichor]

I think this has less to do with the emails are more that you messed her about with last minute cancellation and then complained that you didn’t get anything out of it. She’s not you personal therapist so if you miss your slot, which in itself is quite rude, you can’t expect her to magic uptime elsewhere to make up it. I think she probably saw this as more trouble than it’s worth to her.

[Cocomarine]

Hit doesn’t sound like your emails have much to do with it.

In your follow up post, the detail about the session that you cancelled sounds much more relevant here.

You cancelled (reason why is unimportant really). These things happen.
You then “pestered” during your original slot for a supportive phone call, and when you didn’t get it, called her harsh (and probably in more than just that one word?).

You don’t retain the right to type slot once you’ve cancelled it.

She’s a therapist, not a mate - so possibly the kind of call you were after wasn’t appropriate. Like, if you cancelled a plumber, would you expect them to listen to your bad day tales? I know you’ll say that a therapist and plumber aren’t the same… but actually a therapist has even more reason than a plumber to maintain a professional boundary.

Finally, if you use a word like pestered, then I’m guessing it was a lot.

I too would want the therapists side of the story. And to know her qualifications / registrations. I don’t want to get into saying she should have terminated in a different way… because we REALLY don’t have the whole picture from you. You started about the emails, telling us she must have taken them personally, not the direct criticism of the therapist whilst pestering her. So I’m sure there’s a lot else you’re not explaining.

I hope you find another therapist - make sure they’re registered.

[AnastasiaBeverleyHills]

To be clear, have you seen her other than these sessions? How long have you been seeing her?

If you cancelled there is no longer an agreement for that timeslot. She is not respsonsible for making you feel better, she is there to help you heal yourself.

I'm wondering, were any of the "rules" you referred to earlier, that you didn't want to speak about the content of the emails?

[Sensateria]

So leading up to your appointment, you sent her a lot of emails which you expected her to read. On the day of your appointment you emailed her again with an agenda for your session, then cancelled your session a couple of hours later, then expected her to keep the session open and keep herself free in case you needed a reassuring phonecall, which you did, and in your own words you 'pestered' her during your cancelled slot.

You are so so so unreasonable.

[RaineyMae]

I do find emailing helpful.

It's like when it's all written down and I re-read it - I can spot the 'bit that hurts'.

I don't need them responded to.

I get a bit stuck talking F2F - because I get so fixated on getting all the factual details out that I end up filling the time talking 'at' the person and still not finish.

I know this is not ideal as a communication style - but that is why I pay for someone to talk to help me work out how to get it out and make sense of it.

I don't doubt it's overwhelming - because I came to therapy saying 'I'm overwhelmed'.

[Cocomarine]

A therapist is not a “you go girl!” person.
In a very short call, in the middle of a panic from you, the most I’d expect is the therapist to remind you to focus on your breathing, or perhaps use some grounding techniques if you’ve been working on those together.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

You find email helpful but it doesn’t mean that she will find it an appropriate way to do therapy with you.

[ElspethFlashman]

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism

Was this the batch on the last day?

[BirbofDre]

6 emails a week, for how many weeks?

Sorry op, but that's far too much. Even an extra hour paid isn't enough.

And she isn't going to be able to fully remember your back story from one week to the next, she will have dozens of clients, and what you were asking of her was likely far more than she could give. Therapists are human too, and can also get stressed and overwhelmed- and in this situation it sounds like what you wanted from her far exceeds the norm.

You really can't cancel your slot on the day, and then want an unplanned phone call.

Perhaps you could do some research into different types of therapists in your area, and ask some questions regarding whether they'd be able to meet your expectations. I had 4 counsellors before I found the right one. It doesn't always work out with one.

I'd also say that it might be better for you to have longer sessions than sending lots of long emails. I don't think many counsellors would be happy with that.

[Hont1986]

She didn't ghost you. She told you that she was ending the relationship. Sorry it didn't work out though.

[RaineyMae]

Yep.

Until the last day - she hadn't given any formative feedback that things needed to happen differently.

It's certainly not my finest hour to have a meltdown over a schedule change - but surely it's something that happens when vulnerable people drop their emotional guard?

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

But you cancelled. Then wanted to use the slot. Can’t you see how unreasonable that was? She’s a professional with a diary to plan

[PacifyLulu]

@Cocomarine

Hit doesn’t sound like your emails have much to do with it.

In your follow up post, the detail about the session that you cancelled sounds much more relevant here.

You cancelled (reason why is unimportant really). These things happen.
You then “pestered” during your original slot for a supportive phone call, and when you didn’t get it, called her harsh (and probably in more than just that one word?).

You don’t retain the right to type slot once you’ve cancelled it.

She’s a therapist, not a mate - so possibly the kind of call you were after wasn’t appropriate. Like, if you cancelled a plumber, would you expect them to listen to your bad day tales? I know you’ll say that a therapist and plumber aren’t the same… but actually a therapist has even more reason than a plumber to maintain a professional boundary.

Finally, if you use a word like pestered, then I’m guessing it was a lot.

I too would want the therapists side of the story. And to know her qualifications / registrations. I don’t want to get into saying she should have terminated in a different way… because we REALLY don’t have the whole picture from you. You started about the emails, telling us she must have taken them personally, not the direct criticism of the therapist whilst pestering her. So I’m sure there’s a lot else you’re not explaining.

I hope you find another therapist - make sure they’re registered.

Exactly this.

[WombatChocolate]

Was this the first sign you had from her that she was uncomfortable with your level of emailing or frequency or your approach towards her?

Had you previously cancelled appointments or basically ‘messed her around’?

Usually, people will give a warning/highlight the problem before ending the therapy relationship.

If you had received no indication at all that she found your emails too frequent or the way you related to her unacceptable, I’d expect some kind of warning/guidance about what was appropriate, to give you a chance to improve/adjust. Then if you didn’t, the relationship ending seems fine.

I wonder if she had already commented that your emails were too frequent/long……perhaps reading them took longer than the equivalent of another session with her. I wonder if you had messed her about about appointments or been rather rude or demanding before and this was all just the straw that broke the camels back??

I think your comments to her, that you expected her to speak to you in the paid for session, even though you had cancelled it, were unreasonable. If you cancel, the slot is very likely to be given to someone else…you have forfeited the time and the money.

However, I would expect someone to suggest an alternative possible therapist and perhaps suggest how you might behave with them to give greater chance of it working.

I wonder if after you received that email, if you then bombarded with emails again (how many have you sent since then) and this is why she has ‘ghosted’ you. Ignoring someone who pesters and has no sense of when they are being a nuisance or harassing, is probably a good idea and something therapists are trained to do. And it might be necessary more frequently than you think.

This therapy relationship is over. Leave her alone. If you want to, wait a week at least and then write a very brief email thanking her for her time and asking if she can recommend another therapist.

Sometimes, it’s best not to have a finishing off session…..if that isn’t possible in a productive and timely manner, there can be times when a simple and immediate end is the right thing.

It is hard for us to know what would have been right and Insuspect your own self-awareness in all of this is rather limited so it’s hard for you to judge.

I hope you can find a new therapist and a way to relate with them in a way that works. Perhaps you can write down everything for your own benefit, rather than wanting them to read it all. If there is a lot to explain, oerhaos you just need to accept it is going to take many sessions to explain it all and it cannot be rushed and you need to go at a pace the therapist is willing to work at and within the timeframe they can give you.

[Thesheerrelief]

You sent six background emails, then you sent an agenda for your scheduled session, then cancelled the session, then emailed to complain about not being able to use some of the time you cancelled?

I do think your therapist should have set stronger, clearer boundaries, but that's a lot of contact from you that probably impacted her ability to focus on other clients.

[Birminghambloke]

Overwhelming:
1/ sending 6 dense emails;
2/ cancelling then expecting time;
3/ 6 emails and a session for the cost of two sessions.

She’s made her position clear. She’s given you an honest reason. If she gave you a termination session she’d only then get your frustration or query. You don’t terminate and then go back again for more! Termination is just that.

[Bear65]

@LemonSwan

I am not a therapist but I do have to deal with client management.

She should have managed the situation better to set boundaries, expectations etc.

That aside, its a very personal thing therapy and you need to click to make it work.

So it wasn't a good fit and it was not going to be as productive as it could have been with someone else.

See this as a good thing to use this opportunity to find someone better suited. Better than someone stringing you along in an unproductive relationship who wasn't a good fit

I agree with what @LemonSwan has said. When looking for your next therapist be open about what works for you, your preference to email and that sometimes you want a motivational style session as opposed to straight therapy. As a plus, you can now collate those six emails and merge into one 'my story' document to share in advance of meeting your next therapist. Good luck!

[RaineyMae]

@BirbofDre - well that's the thing. The week before she'd printed the emails and referred to them for 'oh this bit sounded unusual to me - tell me about this'.

It was the opposite of expecting her to remember things - it was partly a hope that a printed reference guide to the major events and details would help cut through the overwhelm and complicated.

[BirbofDre]

Ah, I just re-read that.

You sent an agenda in the morning, cancelled mid morning, then "pestered" for a phone call in your cancelled slot.

Sorry op, you absolutely can't do that. She's not your personal assistant/therapist.

Her own day is probably highly scheduled (and stressful in itself), and you had essentially messed her about.

That's a lot of admin caused by you to her in one day. Add in all of the very dense long emotional emails with the backstory - this is not how a client/therapist relationship works, and you we're definitely crossing boundaries.