Therapy stressful

[thesootherfairy]

Hi everyone.
Just wondering if anyone else had experienced this.

I'm currently receiving individual therapy. It's a long term treatment (12 months plus).

I'm finding it so so stressful. I literally feel sick the day before and during the day leading up to the appointment.

Afterwards I feel really stressed for days on end and I only sort almost feel normal the day before the appointment and then I start to feel sick and stressed again.

Even thinking about it makes me feel so stressed. My jaw clenches, my heart races and I feel sick.

That isn't a normal reaction is it? I thought therapy was about helping with stress (amongst other things). This is causing huge amounts of stress.

Has this happened to anyone else?

This is the problem. I think this isn't going to work via zoom. So I guess it won't won't at all making it utterly pointless

I think you have to tell her this. You were finding it do-able over the phone but she is adamant that she has to see your face - whose benefit is this therapy for? Therapy can be hard anyway but your therapist being so inflexible is not helping you in any way.

@Orgasmagorical
I think your question hits the nail on the head. The therapy I was offered as a substitute was part of a trial/study. That's why she wants to be able to see me.
So in essence it's for them not for me.

@wobbleinprogress.
I spent last night drafting a long email which I have sent this morning.

When I was first offered therapy and I experienced the bad therapist and unsuitable cbt, myself and GP complained to the manager of the local Ed service.

I pointed out the issues with the zoom and that having to discuss traumatic issues within earshot of my family was unsuitable. And that my home wouldn't be my safe space if I brought this up here.

This is now what has happened. They simply said it was this therapy delivered via zoom or discharge. Nothing else.

I had Physiotherapy for arthritis throughout all lockdowns face to face and this involves touching and no ability to social distance. And it was delivered inside my local hospital. This was perfectly safe.

So I don't understand now that lockdowns have ended and we can get together in groups both inside and outside why the Ed service isn't delivering anything apart from zoom.

I've asked that very question.

Thanks everyone for the support here and helping me to feel strong enough to email and say things are not ok and this isn't working for me.

I was literally drowning in all of this up until I posted here yesterday.

Is the problem Zoom and the technical issues, or the therapy being in your home? You are not being entirely clear and need to nail down the real problem and make it clear to your team you want to work with them to solve it You can make it work, but don’t make excuses. Well done on the email. Assertive is good.

That's great you've felt strong enough to send the email, bloody well done! I hope you get the answers you want and they make the changes you need

When I did CBT I had lovely therapist.
She was young , modern woman who was really kind and we had a rapporie from the start.
We had in 6 sessions over 12 weeks.
I had tried everything-
I knew why I felt like I did.
But staring at the problem did not help.
I wonder if with the right person, CBT would actually help.

Hi @thesootherfairy, I just can’t understand why you can’t be face to face. Mine is an NHS ED service, we have been face to face since after the first lockdown. There’s no way I could discuss the things I need to over zoom. Sorry, I know I’m not being very helpful, but well done for sending the email, I hope you get somewhere with it.

@wobbleinprogress
The tech issues are part of it. When I speak I can hear the feed back on her side which means she doesn't hear what I say to her properly.

Being in my home with DC around and DH is also an issue. I feel can't be open. Also DS was off school last week and he heard me crying while on the zoom with her and he's been upset ever since and has slept in my bed two nights running now. Tonight he wanted DD (older) to sleep in his room with him. All because this has upset him.

I'm also worried he's overheard something I'd discussed with her of a traumatic nature. Dh was on a work call down stairs and DS was supposed to have been downstairs two but had been on the landing listening to part of this.

I've had the household turned upside down because the Ed service can't provide anything apart from zoom.
@Star8181
No I feel I can't be open and I don't feel like there's a connection.

I confess to hate zoom and FaceTime. Whenever DH is away in business the DC FaceTime him but I speak to him on the phone. Hate FaceTime.

So no I'm finding therapy over video call totally unhelpful.

I'll have to see what my email brings. I've been totally and brutally honest.

Given how I can't engage over zoom and the issues zoom is causing at home and how stressful I find it, it has been making my Ed much worse as all of this feeds right into why the Ed exists in the first place. I've written that to her.

So sorry, OP, therapy can be tough going and remote therapy can be problematic for all the reasons you state. Could your partner do something with the children whilst you’re with your therapist and keep them occupied whilst you have time out after your session? Being distracted by the thought you may be overheard is highly stressful. Also, when you end a session in ‘normal’ circumstances ie face to face in a room, you’d leave afterwards and have a journey home in which to compose yourself, reflect and bring yourself back into your everyday life. It can be unsettling to have the emotions from the session swirling about in your own home and private space. A small ritual - anything grounding will do - cup of tea, burning incense, whatever it is, just to give yourself ten minutes to bring yourself back is a good idea. Please try to tell your therapist you worry about being overheard and upset afterwards. It is important she knows so she can help you manage the situation.

@Craftycorvid
No DH can't. He's still working from home so if DC are off school, then they're floating around the house while this takes place as DH is on work calls.

That was the other problem. I've had to take an afternoon of work every week. To leave work, come home and do this zoom therapy because last appointment with Ed service is 4pm. Because apparently the CCG only commissioned this service until 5pm Monday to Friday.
I'm self employed and the kind of self employed who employs other people. So this is expensive to do.

So no DH can't help and is also floating around in the house while I'm doing this. God knows what he's overheard.
Horrible. Can't bear to think about it.

It's made my home no longer feel like a safe space. I've actually started looking at houses online because I want to move.

I've been up half the night thinking. I've made a decision. This isn't working for me so I'm not doing it any more. It's been a horrible experience and a complete waste of time. It has made things worse than they were.

If the local service can't offer anything else, I don't want any thing as this is utterly pointless.

In the nicest kindest way, if you really want to get better you will make something work. This may be sabotage it may not, if you give up on this therapy then what? Yes your kids are upset. You have an illness it isn’t going to go away unless you do something. If you don’t recover it will affect and upset your children their whole lives. I wish you strength and good luck.

@wobbleinprogress
The zoom therapy isn't working. It's making the Ed worse. Things were a lot better than they are now before I started.

Having had to discuss traumatic events in my home has changed it from my
Safe place to one that isn't.

My children were not upset before all this started. DH had no idea I had an Ed. And due to having the therapy via zoom at home, I was forced to tell him. That's impacted our marriage and we now feel distant.

Nothing good has come out of this. It's been horrendously stressful and is ruining my relationships with my family. And it's not helped the Ed at all.

I can't see how it is helpful to continue.

I have been under the Ed service since September last year and everything is far worse now than they were a year ago.

I'm so sorry you're going through this thesootherfairy, that is not how it should be at all . Yes, therapy can be hard having to go over things that are difficult but this sounds like it's all to do with the service's limitations. If it's like this for other users the service may well end up being removed if they don't do something to make it more user friendly.

Would you be able to afford to go to a private therapist? Even if they don't specialise in ED they might help you deal with the fall out that this experience has left you with just now?

Thank you @Orgasmagorical. And everyone. It's really helpful being able to say how I feel.

Not sure what happens next. I'll wait and see how they respond to the email I sent.

Do you think therapy is right for you? Or that this type is right for you?

I find it very weird she won't talk on the phone when you've said that's better for you.

@Ostara212 the Ed service last September allocated me to a lady who did cbt. It was horrible and so was she. She was very inappropriate, kept suggesting I was a liar and repeated this over and over again during sessions and my GP made a huge fuss and complained to the Ed service management.

This is a specialist type of psychotherapy for anorexia. But it's part of a clinical trial which is why it has to be either on zoom or face to face. It can't be done via phone.
. After the complaint the Ed service rushed around and offered this as an alternative.

There is nothing else available. It's this or the horrible cbt which didn't suit at all.

[quote thesootherfairy]@Ostara212 the Ed service last September allocated me to a lady who did cbt. It was horrible and so was she. She was very inappropriate, kept suggesting I was a liar and repeated this over and over again during sessions and my GP made a huge fuss and complained to the Ed service management.

This is a specialist type of psychotherapy for anorexia. But it's part of a clinical trial which is why it has to be either on zoom or face to face. It can't be done via phone.
. After the complaint the Ed service rushed around and offered this as an alternative.

There is nothing else available. It's this or the horrible cbt which didn't suit at all. [/quote]
Just a gentle question
Is it possible that no therapy is better than what you've been offered?

Both experiences sound awful OP. And it’s not you sabotaging - accessing therapy is not always easy to get right, find the right person.

Plus your current therapist interrupts you and doesn’t give a shit that zoom isn’t working for you, it’s just making you feel more vulnerable.

Any chance of private therapy? So you can spend time finding someone you trust in an environment you feel safe.

@thesootherfairy I know someone who had private therapy for their problem with an ED. They were really happy with the results. If you'd like me to ask them for the contact details of the therapist, you could PM me.

Take care,

@Ostara212 that's exactly what I'm now thinking.

@AtrociousCircumstance I think you are right. I think current therapist only cares about her clinical trial and that I'm participating. She's the lead person on it and it's starting to feel like vested interest.

@WitchWand I've pmed you. X

I'm doing therapy over zoom at the moment, only had 1 session out of 5 but I really don't like it because I can switch off very easily & not give it my full attention, I wouldn't be able to do this face to face.

Confused by people saying the therapist “doesn’t give a shit” that it’s over zoom. Telephone therapy is specialist and if it’s not on offer, it’s not on offer unless you pay a private therapist who works in this way.

I would raise about the feedback (therapist should use a headset/earphones) and the poor connection. You do need a private space - can your DH go out/take the kids out or can do therapy from your car on the drive?

I’d also raise about being interrupted. I wonder if your therapist is redirecting you from deflecting your emotions?

I would also be concerned about sabotage - which is often about safety. It is normal to have strong emotional reactions to therapy. Some of it can be mitigated by working through it and some of it is about staying with the painful stuff.

If it’s this or nothing - how can nothing be better in the long term? What else will you do to manage your eating so you can be alive and well?

@thesootherfairy

The other thing about the zoom is that it takes place at my home. My DC walk in on me. The cat gets in the way. DH has overheard me crying which was hugely embarrassing. During Easter hols the holiday cover nanny (DH and I both work) walked in on me and so did the cleaner.

It feels so bloody stressful and I can't talk properly so I end up not saying anything and just feeling stressed.

That's no good . Ask DP to take the DC out for a few hours (so you've time to prepare before and recover after). If he won't then get a bolt installed on the inside and lock yourself in the room so nobody can come in.

Investigate the zoom chat function. Write the therapist an email saying everything you've told us here. She needs to know this stuff. So she can change her ways.

If all else fails tell her your computer broke and you can't afford another so it has to be phone or face to face from now on.

If it’s this or nothing - how can nothing be better in the long term?

Bad therapy actively causes harm, making things worse. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy.

It's not always therapy either, there's plenty of other professionals who cause harm with their amateurish attempts to help when what the person really needs is therapy.

OP another idea, is there any chance of extending the gap between sessions so you get a chance to recover and rest properly between each one? I had difficult therapy which was very useful but I found bringing up the issues stressful and it was for one problem which turned out more complicated than expected, so trying to cram too much into too little time really.

It was worth it in the long run, for me, because it was good therapy. But similar to you (no dreading session) I was overwhelmed, had to spend a week processing it, took another few days to feel recovered then 3 days after that it's next session (mine was fortnight sessions). Very intense.

Years later a psychiatrist said "that's no good" when I explained what my experience of therapy was like. I disagreed because both me and therapist had been trying to make the most of time limited sessions, I learned a lot, found it life changing and never felt it was pointless, therapy felt like they ripped me apart but always put me back together as much as possible before sending me home. But I see the psychiatrist point about pushing myself/being pushed that hard not being so great for a person. I don't regret having therapy at all.

I think it's outrageous that she won't offer face to face. NHS staff were all vaccinated ages ago. (I'm a teacher and was in the classroom with 30 kids for months before I was vaccinated). I totally empathise with your distress. Eating disorder therapy is awful. I eventually found a place called 'the centre for eating disorders' in London. I had to go private. Unfortunately I don't think they exist anymore. Can you afford to look at private options? I don't think it sounds good at all.

(A pp mentioned that therapists like honest patients, unfortunately that's not been my experience at all. I find they want you to act better after a reasonable amount of time or it gets really awkward so I act better to help them feel better)