I don’t know what is going on with me right now. I have days where I feel happy and everything is good, lots of good things are happening for me at the moment in terms of work/house/financial. Been fine all week. One small argument yesterday and I feel suicidal. Think of all the things I’ve said and done where I’ve been arguing or upset with someone and been horrible and feel ashamed of myself. Feel sick of feeling this way and thinking of suicide the minute something goes wrong. Think it would be better for my family and friends to have the memories of when I have been in a good place and been my nice normal self being a good person rather than carrying on with me here probably having more incidents of being horrible in the future. Because when I feel bad about myself I end up being an awful person to people I love.
So I’m stuck in this place where I think ending it would be the best, I’m a bit scared of it going wrong or not working, because I know that would make things worse. But then I could choose to persevere and be happy, go back to my therapist, look forward to future things and enjoy my life.
Feels like I’m in the middle of these two options. And I don’t like how it feels, but I need to make the choice.