Wanting to end it, choice?

[JT1994]

I don’t know what is going on with me right now. I have days where I feel happy and everything is good, lots of good things are happening for me at the moment in terms of work/house/financial. Been fine all week. One small argument yesterday and I feel suicidal. Think of all the things I’ve said and done where I’ve been arguing or upset with someone and been horrible and feel ashamed of myself. Feel sick of feeling this way and thinking of suicide the minute something goes wrong. Think it would be better for my family and friends to have the memories of when I have been in a good place and been my nice normal self being a good person rather than carrying on with me here probably having more incidents of being horrible in the future. Because when I feel bad about myself I end up being an awful person to people I love.

So I’m stuck in this place where I think ending it would be the best, I’m a bit scared of it going wrong or not working, because I know that would make things worse. But then I could choose to persevere and be happy, go back to my therapist, look forward to future things and enjoy my life.

Feels like I’m in the middle of these two options. And I don’t like how it feels, but I need to make the choice.

I feel the same. Like I don't want people to remember me as this miserable nasty person. Maybe it would be better just to kill myself while I can still seem like myself rather than this awful person I don't even recognise.

I have an amazing counsellor who would be devastated and I just can't do that to him so I haven't gone through with it but like you, it's the first thing that occurs to me when upset. It's really distressing sometimes.

Have you ever looked at rejection sensitive dysphoria?

Btw I think Mumsnet might pull this thread due to the subject matter.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Following as i feel the exact same. I've been idealizing the idea of ending it far too often recently.

I feel exactly the same. It is exhausting. Are you finding therapy is helping in any way? Have you talked about this with your therapist?
I had my first session with a new therapist this mornin. I feel worse than ever before but I am going to give it at least 5 weeks to see some change. I do feel this is a last attempt at getting help.

I stopped seeing my therapist months ago when I thought it was ‘better’ and felt really happy. As I do often. But then I also feel like this and can’t stop thinking about ending it. Exhausting. My one friend I’ve told how I feel (as she has had similar problems and I feel is the only one who doesn’t just pity me or feel scared when I talk about it) suggested booking into see the therapist again but I just don’t know if I want to. So much money and will it help?

How would you feel about trying a different therapist. It is so costly but the alternative is more costly,

The thing is if you keep choosing to live, the option to change your mind is always there. If you make the other choice, that's it, no going back, no matter how devastating the consequences to your family and friends.