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Original poster

I'm on ADs, My dh has cancer, my work are trying to make me redundant, my dm's gone loopy and...... I'm pregnant!

150 replies

Wills · 03/11/2004 12:55

Do you think I could sell my life history to Eastenders or do you think they wouldn't believe me!

I'm 3 days late and it was on MTS's suggestion that because I'm on ADs that I really did need to know whether or not I'm pregnant. So now I have to come off the ADs. DH did not want another, I did but hadn't expected to have that conversation with him for at least another year. Now that life has been created I want to give it the best chance possible but I have to say I'm despondent. Between dd1 and dd2 I had a miscarriage and my gp felt it was because I wasn't physically fit. Well I certainly don't qualify as physically fit now either. I haven't been eating a lot, have lost 18 pounds in 6/8 weeks, no folic acid and tonnes of alcohol. I couldn't bare to loose another it hurts soooo much. I keep trying to "forget" that I'm pregnant. I also keep wondering if the tests (2) were wrong. Should I get a different brand.

I have just cornered (with my very expensive solicitors help) my work into giving me my old job back. I'm not in the clear yet but it was a small step of progress. The battle is most definitely continuing though but now I feel a little like a fraud.

Sorry if I'm boring anyone but I was lost in a sea of emotions before this mornings results, now I'm drowning. If a baby really is there then I passionately want it to be ok and for it to be the light on the horizon for me during this awful time but I'm very very scared to let myself care.

OP posts:
Marina · 09/11/2004 12:39

Wills, if you're out there, how did things go? Have been thinking of you this morning. XXX

biketastic · 09/11/2004 12:55

i've been thinking of you too. I hope the appt wasn't too bad. It is just so hard to go in and have needles and drs poking at you.
I hope you managed to have a little while to yourself too.
Take care and take it one day at a time.

Original poster
Wills · 09/11/2004 14:28

Horrible morning! Started with me driving into my neighbour's car. She was really good about it but I feel crap.

Went to the EPU and the Head midwife was lovely. Got me a scan and there is no baby in there. I was then passed over to a young doctor who had subtlety (sp?) of a charging elephant! Asked loads of questions including if I was taking folic acid and then tutted when I said not! Basically they agree that I've lost it but then went on to insist that I have my bloods taken. So I sat waiting for bloods to be taken for 1.5 hours. I was screaming inside, I just wanted to run away. How I sat there I just don't know. In the middle of it my "d"m phoned - she must have a sixth sense. Luckily I didn't answer and its gone to voice mail and I'm handing the phone to dh for him to listen to it tonight.

Now I feel black. Blacker than I've ever felt. I've come into work but really want simply to see my kids. I've booked an appointment with my gp on Friday and will be asking for some time off. I need to get my head straight. Everything feels frightening. Twiglet - you were right about feeling numb. I go from numb to despair back to numb. I felt it when they first told us dh's results. I remember thinking I should be crying but instead feeling nothing.

OP posts:
aloha · 09/11/2004 14:42

So, so sorry. Please take that time off. It sounds as if you really need it. I can't say anything except I wish this wasn't the outcome. Take care of yourself.

motherinferior · 09/11/2004 14:54

Sweetheart, just sending love.

tortoiseshell · 09/11/2004 15:01

Wills, I'm sorry to read this. Please take some time off - it is not wrong to, and I know things are difficult at work, but they are legally bound to give you time off for illness. Please please look after yourself. xxx

Issymum · 09/11/2004 15:01

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

enid · 09/11/2004 15:30

Gutted. Sending you so much love and strength to get through this. x E

Marina · 09/11/2004 16:04

Wills, I am so, so sorry to hear this. I was praying for a different outcome. Please get yourself signed off work and try and get some rest and some nourishment. Sending you lots of love in this dark hour XXX

ks · 09/11/2004 16:06

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Message withdrawn

MummyToSteven · 09/11/2004 16:10

wills, am very sorry to hear this. try and get signed off for at least a couple of weeks, to give you a little more breathing space.

motherinferior · 09/11/2004 16:33

Yes, please, love, I'm sure they will give you the time and it might just make things very slightly more bearable.

WideWebWitch · 09/11/2004 20:03

So sorry to read this wills. Hugs x

Katherine · 09/11/2004 20:39

Oh wills you poor love. Sorry I haven't poste here before. I kept checking the August Thread and became worried when there was nothing from you so searched on your recent postings to find this.

Oh Wills life is so crap. I can imagine all the trauma of the spotting. As I read down this thread I was composing messages about my own losses and my last pg with lots of bleeding but then I got to the bottom and they are meaningless now. How I wish I could just be reassuring you or giving you words of hope.

Well none of that stiff upper lip talk. If anyone has the right to wallow then its you. Let yourself go, howl, booze and yell at everyone. Be totally unreasonable and then ask for hugs. Why not. You deserve it. One morning you will wake up and feel a tiny bit better and then we can all start encouraging you but until then just go with the flow. Let yourself feel the feelings. Its nothing to be ashamed of.

FWIW I actually think your DH is not doing too bad a thing by avoiding you. I know that sounds harsh but whatever he said to you right now would be the wrong thing. After all there is nothing he can say or do to make it better. Just make sure you take some time for hugs etc but if the way he copes drives you mad then look for someone who can step into the breech. Afterall he's got a lot on too and he's had a loss too. If you start looking for cmfort he'll probably say the wrong thing and the last thing you want is rows with him.

Oh I wish you were a bit closer. It won't always feel like this. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

NQWWW · 09/11/2004 20:39

Wills - have only just seen what a tough time you are having, and just wanted to say I'm thinking of you too. So sorry about the baby.

Life does seem to like to kick people when they're down, sometimes. Sending lots of hugs.

Original poster
Wills · 09/11/2004 21:34

Thank you everyone. Katherine you've made me cry but it was a relief. Dh is out at circuits so I don't have to feel guilty about it either. Life just feels awful but my kids are fabulous and they are what are keeping me together.

OP posts:
hoxtonchick · 09/11/2004 22:04

really sorry wills xxxxx

serenequeen · 09/11/2004 22:06

so sorry, wills

emmatmg · 09/11/2004 22:10

I've been following this Wills, with nothing helpful to say but I can't lurk on it now without sending you lots of love.

I really hope things get better for soon.

Sorry, I'm rubbish at this......so sorry to hear about the baby........thinking of you.

sobernow · 09/11/2004 22:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

champs · 10/11/2004 00:54

wills, I was so hoping not to hear this, I was hoping with you. I really am sorry wills, you are such a wonderful person and I know you feel very down right now. You are so caring to everyone and I really want to let you know that we are all here for you. I have been reading the august thread over and even in your times of real blows, you are always encouraging others. Please do take time off work, you need it now more than ever. Dont worry about how it looks on your cv it just shows that you have the strength to ask for help to take time off. With all this talk of work life balance, you are more than entitled to it.
I am really trying to keep as positive and as non patronising as I can. I know you dont want sympathy and I am hoping this comes accross how I want it to.
Bye for now, Champs xx

tigermoth · 10/11/2004 07:25

So sorry to hear this, wills.

You are doing the right thing in getting signed off from work. Take lots of care of yourself.

Original poster
Wills · 10/11/2004 13:49

Girls, you are all wonderful. Some of you are worried that you sound patronizing - you don't! Sometimes when I'm at home on my own after the kids have gone to bed, or when I'm at work feeling overwhelmed and lost its just fantastic to log on and get all these messages of support. Some of them set me off yesterday and I finally had a good cry and its felt like a ballon bursting. I had a reasonable nights sleep (only two nightmares for once) and don't feel so black. Its great to know how many friends I have out there and how much they care. You're making up for the fact that I can't go to my family for support. Thank you all.

OP posts:
sis · 10/11/2004 14:09

Wills, I am thinking of you while you are going through this really sad time but haven't posted much before because I didn't know what to say. I am glad you had a 'good' cry - it must be better than the numbness and despair you mentioned earlier, and, I assume, part of the process of accepting what has happened. You said not to worry about coming across as patronising so I will try not to and hope you understand the what I mean in my previous sentence.

Above all, please be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much, too soon.

prufrock · 10/11/2004 18:35

Wills I'm so sorry to see that your fears were confirmed. But well done on ignoring your mothers call. Who needs family when tehy have Mumsnet

Please do get signed off for a while. And don't worry about it affecting your future prospects. Although the city can (unofficially of course) be a harsh place for anybody who is seen to have taken time off for stress because they couldn't cope with their job, I think anybody would appreciate that your stress at the moment is caused by horrendous circumstances and so not see it as a reason to not employ you.