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Original poster

I'm on ADs, My dh has cancer, my work are trying to make me redundant, my dm's gone loopy and...... I'm pregnant!

150 replies

Wills · 03/11/2004 12:55

Do you think I could sell my life history to Eastenders or do you think they wouldn't believe me!

I'm 3 days late and it was on MTS's suggestion that because I'm on ADs that I really did need to know whether or not I'm pregnant. So now I have to come off the ADs. DH did not want another, I did but hadn't expected to have that conversation with him for at least another year. Now that life has been created I want to give it the best chance possible but I have to say I'm despondent. Between dd1 and dd2 I had a miscarriage and my gp felt it was because I wasn't physically fit. Well I certainly don't qualify as physically fit now either. I haven't been eating a lot, have lost 18 pounds in 6/8 weeks, no folic acid and tonnes of alcohol. I couldn't bare to loose another it hurts soooo much. I keep trying to "forget" that I'm pregnant. I also keep wondering if the tests (2) were wrong. Should I get a different brand.

I have just cornered (with my very expensive solicitors help) my work into giving me my old job back. I'm not in the clear yet but it was a small step of progress. The battle is most definitely continuing though but now I feel a little like a fraud.

Sorry if I'm boring anyone but I was lost in a sea of emotions before this mornings results, now I'm drowning. If a baby really is there then I passionately want it to be ok and for it to be the light on the horizon for me during this awful time but I'm very very scared to let myself care.

OP posts:
welshmum · 04/11/2004 15:28

So sorry Wills. Please get yourself checked out medically soon. xxx

Original poster
Wills · 04/11/2004 16:03

I'm being thick here but why get myself checked out? The last thing I want to do is sit in a scan room and sort of have my nose rubbed in my loss. I found my previous loss harrowing and I so don't want to go through that again. It was made worse by the lack of sympathy from those who treated me. I was only 4 weeks 4/5 days.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 04/11/2004 16:09

Hi Wills. Didn't mean to sound unhelpful when I suggested you get checked out - I suggested it in case 1)it is a false alarm and everything is OK - will reassure you 2)in case it is an ectopic PG - not likely, but worth excluding as would need treatment asap or 3)in case it is an incomplete miscarriage and you needed a D & C to avoid infection. Even if it isn't appropriate to scan you, EPU staff would hopefully be more experienced/sensitive than your GP?

I am so sorry that you were treated so badly when you had a miscarriage.

Spacecadet · 04/11/2004 16:10

Its just that you may not have lost your baby Wills and there are other things that can make you bleed are you still having cramps and bleeding?

Grommit · 04/11/2004 16:11

Wills - so sorry - what a tough time you are having

sis · 04/11/2004 19:22

Oh wills, I'm so sorry about this - on top of everything else too!.

yurtgirl · 04/11/2004 20:21

Message withdrawn

tamum · 04/11/2004 20:23

Wills, I am so sorry. I can't think of anything to say, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
Wills · 04/11/2004 22:12

I feel so sorry for myself so big warning.... Why is this happening? What the hell did I do to have so much bad luck? I've got to find the strength somewhere inside to be strong for my girls and my dh (who is going through his own battle with cancer). Hoping that I'm brave enough to go into work tomorrow. Dh has gone out (he helps out at a martial arts club) so I'm finding solitude with a bottle of wine (well at least two glasses - bit of a cheap date, can't really manage more than that). Off to bed - hope I can sleep. Thanks to everyone for all the help its been very much appreciated.

MummyToSeven - honey I didn't take it the wrong way at all, you just care. Its just that I'm finding it difficult to find the strength to face a hospital - I'm scared I might start to hope again. The bleeding is slowing and the cramps have gone (but I have bled heavily all day with cramps all day) and there is this tiny nagging doubt. It probably sounds really weird but I don't want to hope I just want to grieve and move on. I know those that have advised me to go and get myself checked out are right I'm just finding it difficult to do. Bit like a scared rabbit in the middle of car headlights.

God I've blathered on again. I'm off to bed. Thankyou to everyone. Will write more tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wills · 04/11/2004 22:31

I feel so lonely. I want to phone my Godmother but she lives with my dm and her husband (Godmother is 76 now) and I can't face a row with my mother ontop of everything. dh is not due back for another hour and I'm up at 6.30 tomorrow. Wish I could pull myself together.

OP posts:
blossomhill · 04/11/2004 22:33

Wills - Please don't be so hard on yourself. You really have got so much going on.
Sending lots of love and positive vibes in your direction
{{{}}} Blossomhillxxx

Original poster
Wills · 04/11/2004 22:33

Thank you blossomhill

OP posts:
blossomhill · 04/11/2004 22:42

You are so welcome wills xxx

biketastic · 04/11/2004 22:55

oh wills
i do hope you feel better soon.
You have so much to cope with right now
I know what the bleeding is like whn you are early pg. There's a bit that just wants the whole thing over so you can re-evaluate what you feel, you just want the m/c to be over so you will be at the other side. Then there's the little bit in the back of your mind that tries to convince yourself that it will all be fine
I bled loads during my (unwanted) pg. It was a real rollercoaster. I grieved for the lost little one one dya and then cried because he was still there the next.
try to sleep tonight and maybe get that appt tomorrow. Maybe you will find out eactly ahwt is hapeneing and then can move forwards.
Good luck with all the other stuff too. Take each day s it comes for now. No point in trying to look too far into the future...keep warm and look after yourself.

MummyToSteven · 04/11/2004 23:03

wills, sorry things are so hard for you atm. re:work - do whatever will make you feel better. you have got so much on your plate atm that i don't see morally why you should go in unless you think it would take your mind off things. Hope that you do manage to see the doc when you feel ready.

Cam · 05/11/2004 08:58

Wills, you haven't done anything wrong and you don't deserve all this. Please remember that. Love Cam xxxx

Marina · 05/11/2004 09:08

Hear hear Cam and everyone else. Just checking in to see how you are this morning. CAT me from work if you are there, I can pick up from my "mumsnet address" here.
You're more than just a wonderful mum to your dds, remember - you're doing it all under intolerable external pressures at the mo, and you have broken the chain of dysfunctional parenting. That's the hardest thing in the world to do. Hugs to you this morning Wills. Are you managing to eat at all? XXX

pamina3 · 05/11/2004 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wills · 05/11/2004 11:20

Have managed to come into work but am wondering if I've been silly. The world feels like a blur, I feel almost spaced. I was on a real down this morning feeling that I'm having increadibly bad luck so I tried to think about what I wanted to happen but I couldn't. Probably sounds really stupid but I feel completely lost. I need to take a big breath and start doing something positive. My boss has scheduled a meeting with him at 2.30 to discuss my issues (my work ones unfortunately) so I've got to find the strength somewhere to go through with that. I'm tempted to postpone, but another part of me just thinks get it over and done with. Marina - I'm going to cat you with my work address.

OP posts:
enid · 05/11/2004 11:25

thinking of you wills, hoping and hoping something small will shine through for you today xx E

MummyToSteven · 05/11/2004 11:39

Hi Wills. Sorry you are having such a tough day. Could you go home sick now? Is there anyway you could take a colleague/union rep along to the meeting for moral support if it does go ahead? Be gentle with yourself - you are having such a lot of difficult things going on in your life atm; it's not weakness to be upset by upsetting life events.

Marina · 05/11/2004 11:42

Am watching my Yahoo inbox like a hawk, maybe we can grab a bite at lunchtime if we manage to make proper contact by then...you are so much in my thoughts this am. Trying to look like you give a in the workplace is almost impossible at times...XXX

mumwithnoname · 05/11/2004 12:14

sending lots of hugs- will be thinking of you at 2-30! A friend gave me some advice recently after I'd spent all week worrying about a meeting, which was "live today as if its the only day, don't waste your life worrying about tomorrow,just concentrate on now and if its your last day you'll get to heaven and think "i really enjoyed that!!"

bit cheesy I know but hope it helps!,Take care.

prufrock · 05/11/2004 12:23

Not really anything I can say Wills except I really do feel for you, and thnk you are doing a womderful job to be even getting out of bed with all you've got on right now, let alone being in work.
If you feel emotional in the meeting this pma nd need to hold it together, look at the ceiling and take a depp breath. It does actually help to calm you down.

Twiglett · 05/11/2004 12:26

thinking of you and sending you strength vibes for this afternoon