I'm on ADs, My dh has cancer, my work are trying to make me redundant, my dm's gone loopy and...... I'm pregnant!

[Wills]

Do you think I could sell my life history to Eastenders or do you think they wouldn't believe me!

I'm 3 days late and it was on MTS's suggestion that because I'm on ADs that I really did need to know whether or not I'm pregnant. So now I have to come off the ADs. DH did not want another, I did but hadn't expected to have that conversation with him for at least another year. Now that life has been created I want to give it the best chance possible but I have to say I'm despondent. Between dd1 and dd2 I had a miscarriage and my gp felt it was because I wasn't physically fit. Well I certainly don't qualify as physically fit now either. I haven't been eating a lot, have lost 18 pounds in 6/8 weeks, no folic acid and tonnes of alcohol. I couldn't bare to loose another it hurts soooo much. I keep trying to "forget" that I'm pregnant. I also keep wondering if the tests (2) were wrong. Should I get a different brand.

I have just cornered (with my very expensive solicitors help) my work into giving me my old job back. I'm not in the clear yet but it was a small step of progress. The battle is most definitely continuing though but now I feel a little like a fraud.

Sorry if I'm boring anyone but I was lost in a sea of emotions before this mornings results, now I'm drowning. If a baby really is there then I passionately want it to be ok and for it to be the light on the horizon for me during this awful time but I'm very very scared to let myself care.

Anything I say I think would almost be an insult to how you must feel, so I will not try...

I just send you a hug, my thoughts and want you to know that I am in awe of your strength. You have my admiration and best wishes.

I am sorry I can not say anything practical to help.

hi wills, have posted on august thread but just wanted to post here too. sending you lots of ((hugs)) please do keep talking to your friends and us as it is important for you to have an outlet. You do so much to keep your family happy and care for them so well, you forget about yourself alot. hope the work meeting didn't add to much to your stress.

Hi, absolutely lousey day. I really shouldn't have gone in. I spent the bulk of the day feeling completely lost and not able to gather my thoughts together to think. The meeting went ok. Basically they are handing me back my old job but in return they want me to stop chasing them about my lack of compensation last year (i.e. although I did two thirds of the year and my deputy only did one, although I did all the deliverables and structured the work so that he had nothing to do, he received the compensation and I was "overlooked"). Part of me wants to scream "you bastards" but most of me is just plain knackered. At the same time they are offering to let me have "special leave" to take time to be with my dh during any consultation times and they are going to pay for me to have a full medical top to toe to make sure I'm healthy. Prior to going on maternity leave the hr representative used to be a work friend and I suspect a lot of the "gifts" are her doing. I think she has persauded my boss to soften his approach. My gp has offered to sign me off from work for a few weeks but I'm really concerned about having this on my record. Hopefully when things settle I want to leave this company(It has been taken to court twice this year already for sexual discrimination following maternity leave and the women won each time.) and I don't want to do anything to ruin my chances of moving elsewhere.

I've come home tonight really black though. I feel like walking around in a permanent duck. What's next? Its really getting to me. Normally when I'm down I try to think of ways to get out i.e. resolve the issue but I feel so low that I'm struggling. Behind all these dramatics that are going on is also the simple fact that I miss my kids. However I can't see an end to it. Sorry I'm getting really melodramatic here. DH and I have rowed for the first time in ages. So far I've managed to be strong and not needy but when he came home last night I had cried myself to sleep and promptly started to cry again when he woke me up. I've then been down all day and now he's had enough. I asked him was my unhappiness inconviencing him and he said "Well ummmm well... yes". I shouldn't have asked the question because I already knew the answer. He never copes when I'm needy.

Cripes I've really rambled on but as I can't talk to dh its wonderful to come on here and let it all out. Not sure how much of what I've written above makes sense so sorry.

Wills I'm really sorry you are having such a bad time, can't contribute with much else than what has been already said, but I wanted to send you lots of hugs (((((((HUGS)))), I know it has been a terrible day but try to concentrate in the positives (you have your work back and some extra benefits. Some years ago I resigned from my work and the company didn't pay some of the services I have already carried out, after speaking with some persons in the company and realising the only way to get paid was to take them to court I realised that, eventhough I needed the money I was already having a terrible time for other reasons and realised that I would pay the money the owed me just to leave the thing behind, so I forgot about it. It was not fair, and probably I would have won if I have taken them to court but at the time the money they could have paid me didn't compensated for the stress levels the thing was causing me so I just droped it. I felt better after letting go. Well probably, I'm talking rubish here but hope it helps.

Many hugs. Don't know how to translate this but in case that you understand Spanish, recuarda que la noche nunca es mas oscura que cuando ya va a amanecer. (hugs)

Wills, I'm so sorry to read this latest update. Please let me know if there's anything I can do -I've been down the tribubnal route and it isn't funny. Please keep written records of everything, just in case. Twice already this year? You'd have thought they'd have started to learn their lesson wouldn't you? Can't you take your doctor up on her offer just to get some breathing space and time? Hugs to you, Cam is right, bear it in mind.

dear wills - just caught up with your news and so sorry to hear you lost the baby. you sound as if you are in desperate need of rest and i would get yourself signed off for as long as you need. i might be speaking out of line here and i don't know your situation but is there a way you could downsize for example? all the feelings you have posted here make me think you want to regain some control and joy in your lives and that external events are stopping this. i've recently had a very good friend relocate to new zealand, she has used the money from the sale of her terraced house in devon and bought a bungalow in 5 acres and now only has to work 3 days a week while her dh does the house up! another friend moved to spain and bought a wooden house in 20 acres for very little and both families say its the best thing they've ever done. me and my dh are very tempted. with all these things crowding in on you -could you simplify life by working less, buying smaller or just renting and having a breather while you decide what you really want to do with your lives? i really don't know if all the struggle on the job front is worth the fight especially when its affecting you mentally, physically and emotionally. you sound as if you deserve so much better and life is just too short. try and be kind to yourself and remember there is always a third way xx

Lots and lots of hugs Wills

Oh Wills, I've been thinking about you all week. xxx

wills, really sorry so much is hitting you at the same time. Anything you can do to make life easier for you all is worth considering. I hope these dark days pass soon. Always remember that these problems are not your fault. Thinking of you.

Wills, sorry wanted to say something else. Five years ago this November, almost to this day, this was my life. I had a newborn ds2. The same week we had just moved into a new house, I had the totally unexpected news that my mother had an inoperable brain tumour and would be lucky to see christmas. My dh was depressed. I was on maternity leave but knew my company wanted to make cuts in our department. Not the same scenario you are facing, but I felt life was hitting me from many angles. It was a time I'll never forget. Sending you a hug.

Still down. Cleared out the loft yesterday in a fit of needing to do something. Part of why I'm down is that dh is nervous of me and is avoiding me. He's out the entire day again. We talked about it this morning and he said he was nervous of me because he doesn't understand how to help me and was therefore "frightened" of me. I said that you didn't need to understand someone to feel sorry that they are unhappy. Oh well. On a brighter note my dd1 is going to a birthday party and it means I will get to meet up with all the mums again which I will enjoy.

I must admit Shrub and Chandra I have been thinking about how to "downsize". Prior to returning to work dh and I bought another house and did it up. I loved doing it - I quite literally enjoy watching paint dry . We would both love to do this full time as long as we made enough to pay the mortgage on our home and survive we'd both be very happy but.... the market is not good and we haven't sold the first house yet! I've also consider selling stuff on ebay and am researching that idea at the moment but with all our money tied up in the house that wont sell we're absolutely penniless at the moment.

I do wonder whether or not to take time off for stress. The problem is that I've worked hard to get to the level I'm at in the city. Until I find an alternative solution I need to keep working. I needed to get my old job back so that I had a position, now I can start job hunting. I don't want to do anything to jepordise getting a new job. However I could really do with time off to get my head straight. I had hoped that a weekend with the kids would see me better but after a night filled with horrific nightmares I still feel a complete mess (the worst being rowing with my dm over my kids at my dh's funeral!). We're hoping the consultant will come back with a plan of action this week so I know I need to be ready for that. Any advice anyone?

www - am keeping a diary of all events.
tigermoth - its a relief to know that others have dramatics hit them all at once. On top of everything else I feel weird. Most people I know have uncomplicated easy going lives with occassional bad luck but I seem to live on a roller coaster.

Thanks for all the hugs - they're great.

Wills, I haven't posted before because there is nothing that I can say that can possibly make you feel any better, but I have been thinking a lot about you. I do know the pain of losing a baby, even an unplanned one, and to be going through that on top of everything else must be so hard. All I can say is, you will never forget your loss, but the pain does go in time. I truly admire the fortitude you are showing at this time, and although I have no real advice to give I just wanted to send my thoughts and hugs to you.

wills, I felt wierd as well. Sometimes I felt emotionless and got cross with myself for not feeling enough grief, then pleased with myself that I could be so apparently logical and practical durung the crisis I was facing, then I would do something - go shopping, meet some friends and feel totally disassociated from everything. I just lost the power to know how to feel. No single emotion felt right or adequate. My dh ran away a bit from me, too. He was frightened of me. He wouldn't admit it at the time, but he does now.

hi wills, I think maybe you will benifit from some time off. I do worry for you because you are holding everything together. I know you are worried to take time off, but it seems like you really need it hun. Please have a good think about it. You care for everyone around you but you need to care for you too, if you dont want to do it for yourself(although you should as you deserve it) do it for the kids, just think of it like a way to help them, they too will benefit if you have time off. I have read and reread that and it doesn't sound clear but I just think you should take the time off, much better to take time off now than to run yourself into the ground.

Thanks guys. I must admit I could do with some time to sort myself out. I'm back at work today but wondering....

The bleeding has almost stopped. I'm a bit confused by this because overall this has been a fairly lightweight bleed. I bled loads on Thursday but still not as much as I do in the first two days of a period. 90% of me wants to run away from this but the sensible voice in my head has booked an appt at my EPU tomorrow. They are going to take a blood test and will then repeat the process on Thursday to see what is happening to my hormones. I haven't even told my dh yet - I'm just sitting here. I need to warn work that I'll be late tomorrow. I need to tell dh but he wont be pleased. So I'm just sitting here on Mumsnet instead. Feeling stupid because I shouldn't hope, really I shouldn't but I can't help it.

I was going to ask you about the bleeding, Wills. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing with the EPU, there are so many scenarios where a moderate bleed does not mean the end of a pregnancy. Is that local to you at home or St Thomas? If it is St Thomas and you want company, CAT me. I gave up telling dh about my bleeds in the pregnancy that led to dd, like you, it was made clear to me that only one person in our marriage was supposed to be needy. I really feel for you on that angle and on so many others, and have been thinking of you all weekend. Sending you warm thoughts and lots of hugs at your desk. XXX
There is a City lunch on Thursday - if you are not signed off, can you make it?
Tigermoth, yet again, every word of your posts is imbued with generous wisdom and insight. Sorry to sound OTT but I wish I had just a bit of your attitude to life, in good times and bad. [Wistful admiring emoticon].

Hi Wills.
Glad that you are getting checked out at the EPU tomorrow, and best of luck for tomorrow. Is there anybody that can go with you to the appointment tomorrow? I'm sorry that your DH isn't being as supportive as you would wish at the moment. It's such a horribly stressful time for you both atm. Is there anybody else - trusted friend or relative (I realise that your mum wouldn't be appropriate) that you can offload on atm/understands the level of stress you are under atm? I think you have mentioned earlier on the thread talking to a good friend of yours. I agree with the other posters that some time out from work being signed out for whatever reason would do you a great deal of good atm.

take care

Marina, do you remember that after I had my m/c I posted that my dh tried to cheer me up by fitting a lock on the bathroom cupboard??!! I still hate that bloody lock.

Wills, lots of love and virtual hugs, do try and take Marina up on a meet.

Oh enid you made me laugh, thank you. That's my dh to a T! Just occassionally he buys me flowers but I'm with him at the time and its me paying for the Tescos shop and he can't understand why I DON'T FIND IT ROMANTIC.

Now I wish I'd booked it at St. Thomas. I can't think of anyone better to accompany me than you Marina really I can't. I've booked it at my local EPU however the woman doing it was also the Midwife that looked after me on the run up to dd2's birth and we became very friendly so I know she will be great which is helping enormously because the rest of the team are not sympathetic at all. I still think its unlikely that I could bleed that much and still have a baby in there though.

Our patio doors were our Waterloo, Enid. I feel the same way about them and he still tw*ts on from time to time about how "healing" he found it all...MEN.
Hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggles with your dh, Wills. I think Enid and I would both say that we are very lucky and happily married in the wider picture but our spouses can still raise BP, hackles, hair on backs of necks etc. Eh Enid?

So glad you've got a decent mw tomorrow Wills, thank goodness for that. St Thomas is walk-in, don't forget, so if anything happens locally tomorrow that you are not happy with, you still have the St Thomas option.
Friend had a heavyish bleed for three days with ds2 and he was still fine. Don't want to get your hopes up, but it is not unheard of.

Marina, I completely agree. The sad thing was that he really, genuinely believed that it would cheer me up to have this minor piece of DIY sorted out. I remember your patio doors too, in fact whenever I lock/unlock the bathroom cabinet it often pops up in my mind!

It did make me realise that perhaps men and women are a bit different after all...

Wills, you are not alone!! I do remember that my dh's (and my MIL's) attitude over the m/c was embarrassment that I was such a sobbing mess for a while. They really couldn't cope with it. In retrospect I am glad I got on with grieving in that primal way and didnt just put a brave face on it (which they would have been more comfortable with, I am sure!).
xxx E

Dear Wills - so sorry things have been so hard for you. I hope the appointment is OK. Remember St Thomas's if you aren't happy with your other hospital. I found the EPU was great when I had bleeding. Very kind and reassuring.
BTW I once wrote about how different things make different people feel loved - and it was so revelatory to me. Many men, it seems, tend to feel loved when you do things for them - cook a meal, make a cup of tea. Their partners, however, might want a gift (flowers, a book), a hug or words of sympathy/love. You tend to give what makes you personally feel good to receive (iyswim) so if you have different things that make you feel loved you can both end up feeling a bit unloved. When I was in hospital before ds was born, dh cooked me loads of homemade food because that's what makes him feel cherished. But I wanted flowers and was SO hurt when I didn't get any! Men, I think, also see helping in practical terms - fixing stuff, either by mending doors or finding 'solutions' to your problems, while women go for empathising. I found this quite helpful for me, and actually told dh that what I wanted was flowers and listening, not shepherd's pie and solutions!! He told me that he wanted shepherd's pie, a beer and a backrub. We still both forget though....
Good luck to you.

thanks all. Now I'm having second thoughts about tomorrow. I know I'm not. No sore boobs etc. But I can't stop my thoughts straying to what ifs. Having a bad time concentrating.