I think I have actually hit rock bottom and have absolutely nowhere to go. Completely on my knees. I have had anxiety for many years and now totally depressed. Medication doesn't work and my GP is so slow and difficult to talk to anyone. Cannot afford counselling.
If it wasn't the thought of leaving my children I wouldn't want to live anymore. Can't sleep, lucky to get 4 hours, struggling to get off and then wake because of bad dreams. Can't stop crying. House has become a mess. My adult daughter never stops moaning at me, constantly moaning and complaining about everything. She talks to me badly and lashes out because she is frustrated. She wants to go back to uni and has been told not for 4 weeks. Everything is my fault. My teenage son is severely autistic and the things I was once patient with now grate on me to the point of feeling ill (listening to same music over, and over again, he shits all over the bathroom several times a day, shouts in my face, not going to sleep at night, breaking everything, taking my things and throwing them into the neighbours garden, he makes endless amounts of washing).
My house is getting increasingly messy and though I am usually spotless I don't really care anymore. I cleaned my windows yesterday then climbed back into bed with no energy. I have no appetite and feel sick most of the time. I feel guilty about everything and not good enough.
I have literally no friends as everyone has gone away and I don't know how to make new friends. I have a PA for my disabled son but no-one to go out with and at the moment nowhere to go. I have a husband who is wonderful with the children and I am grateful for his hard work but we sleep seperately and I feel trapped in my marriage. He makes me utterly miserable in many ways that are not his fault.
My mother has mental health issues and my father is disabled so I am also trying to keep things going there but I find them both so draining I am ashamed to say. My brother is an alcoholic and my sister who I was once close to has pretty much abandoned the family and left me to it.
I feel utterly adrift and alone. (sorry, sorry, sorry for burdening)