Feeling suicidal

[whatnow47]

I think I have actually hit rock bottom and have absolutely nowhere to go. Completely on my knees. I have had anxiety for many years and now totally depressed. Medication doesn't work and my GP is so slow and difficult to talk to anyone. Cannot afford counselling.

If it wasn't the thought of leaving my children I wouldn't want to live anymore. Can't sleep, lucky to get 4 hours, struggling to get off and then wake because of bad dreams. Can't stop crying. House has become a mess. My adult daughter never stops moaning at me, constantly moaning and complaining about everything. She talks to me badly and lashes out because she is frustrated. She wants to go back to uni and has been told not for 4 weeks. Everything is my fault. My teenage son is severely autistic and the things I was once patient with now grate on me to the point of feeling ill (listening to same music over, and over again, he shits all over the bathroom several times a day, shouts in my face, not going to sleep at night, breaking everything, taking my things and throwing them into the neighbours garden, he makes endless amounts of washing).

My house is getting increasingly messy and though I am usually spotless I don't really care anymore. I cleaned my windows yesterday then climbed back into bed with no energy. I have no appetite and feel sick most of the time. I feel guilty about everything and not good enough.

I have literally no friends as everyone has gone away and I don't know how to make new friends. I have a PA for my disabled son but no-one to go out with and at the moment nowhere to go. I have a husband who is wonderful with the children and I am grateful for his hard work but we sleep seperately and I feel trapped in my marriage. He makes me utterly miserable in many ways that are not his fault.

My mother has mental health issues and my father is disabled so I am also trying to keep things going there but I find them both so draining I am ashamed to say. My brother is an alcoholic and my sister who I was once close to has pretty much abandoned the family and left me to it.

I feel utterly adrift and alone. (sorry, sorry, sorry for burdening)

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That sounds really tough.
Could you phone your crisis team or 111? Have you ever tried the Mind helpline? https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool
I wonder if there's another GP you could see who might be more helpful as it doesn't sound like you're getting the support you need.
I hope things improve a little for you soon

I don’t have much good advice, but I want to say I hear you. You have a huge amount on your shoulders and I’m not surprised you’re struggling. Hopefully you can speak to a different GP and try to get some different medicine?

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thank you. I know I need to contact people tomorrow. I think pre-lockdown we had a lot of distractions from life's problems and now those distractions are taken away we are left with the reality of our problems. We are living on top of each other and its hard....

Me and my daughter have hugged and apologised, DS has finally gone to bed when asked. I can breathe again. Thank you I just needed to talk to someone x

That’s good news, glad things are a little better.

Will you let us know how you feel after talking to someone today?