Hello
Thanks Mascara for the roll call and for re-organising us. This sounds stupid but I created this thread so we could talk to each other and yet I've been feeling so crap I couldn't even post on it. Have posted elsewhere about other things to try to block it out. And don't really what to whine. But I suppose that - and supporting each other is what this thread's about.
I'm not getting those horrid waves of panic (I can't find who mentioned them above? Very apt!) which is the reason I went on citalopram in the first place - they're not happening - although if something dire was to strike I know they would. So it's working in that respect. But for the first time really, I feel kind of persistantly depressed, either very..and I find it hard to hide it.. or in an underlying way, beneath the jolly mood I sometimes manage to put on.
DH is down because - I think - of the chronic pain he's in again. He has had to come off the oral steroids and his joints are really hurting him again. When that happens he just retreats into his cave - you know as men do? - and I have to keep trying to convince myself it's not ME he's ignoring. But when you feel crap anyway it's the easiest thing in the world to believe that you're the cause and that "something" is wrong with your relationship.
I hate being so dependant on his mood in order to feel ok! Does anyone else get this? Or am I really pathetic as I fear I may be?
Our ongoing and lengthy cocked-up housing situation is the main problem. We should have moved so long ago and all there is to show for it is a condemned whole in the ground ("foundations" ) at the new house. The Housing Assoc are in no hurry to sort this out.. well they say they are but they're not. We are just names on paper. And meanwhile, there is a disabled-adapted bungalow that has become available and the HA are going to consider this for us.. but without having looked inside it, I have a feeling we won't be able to accept it even if offered. It would be tempting.. if they divide the biggest bedroom (as suggested) DS1 (15) will have his own room. (He can't share with DS2 because of DS2's anti social habits/night waking and general high maintenance needs. DS1 moved out and onto the floor of DD's box room in the summer. So he has no room, no bed and no space, as he attempts to study for his mocks ) This feels like the most pressing problem.. and the bungalow (if offered!) would solve that.. but I can't afford to forget that then DS2 (who has cp etc) would still be penned into a small living space, which frustrates the hell out of him and causes violent behaviour. (We have to put gates or "stable doors" up to stop him accessing rooms wecan't let him crawl around in like the kitchen). The house would solve that.. we had planned it so that he would have the run of the ground floor, right the way through from the dining room to his (unbuilt!) ground floor extension.
All in flat packs are DS2's new bed.. DS1's desk and bed - all the lovely bits and bobs we have had all year (because we were supposed to move in before the summer). We are currently waiting for new design and costings for the foundations to be completed and costed out (well the HA are waiting.. we are just going spare!). I am terribly afraid that they're write it all off as financially unviable. And then we'll be back to square one. No bungalow, no new house, just this really really unsuitable place we're in now where I'm failing my kids big time because it's virtually impossible to meet their needs here. DS1 has cystic fibrosis. They'd (the clinic/his dcotors and specialists) go spare if they knew he was sleeping on the floor long term like this; they have kicked off enough about him sharing the room with DS2 for so long, as DS2 is a little germ factory.. not at all good for DS1.. not least he kept him awake all night which is not good when you're trying to fight off lung infection all the time.
At least he gets a little sleep in DD's room. That's another thing - in the new house, DS1 would be in his extension "in the garden" away from DS1 and DD.. and only disturb us with his night time antics (via the monitor/intercom). If we got offered/accepted the bungalow, we'd all be on one floor, and close by. The others wouldn't have escaped from it. And they deserve their sleep they really do.. both of them. They're childhoods have already been cocked up be DS2.
We're going to have to refuse the bungalow (if offered!) aren't we? Writing it all down has clarified it.
So sorry for rambling. Although it's a bit more pro-active that churning this all around ineffectually in my head.
How are all of YOU this morning? Take my mind off my whinging someone!
I am off to read further back on the thread because I remember some of you mentioned tooth grinding/jaw clenching.. which suddenly I am doing big time. My jaw aches and I have a mouthful of agonsising ulcers. Can this really be to do with citalopram? I don't want to go back and ask for something else.. I want to get off this actually! But doesn't sound like I'm heading in the right direction does it! Sigh.
Talk to me guys. Tell me how you all are. I hope those of you feeling crap in the last few days feel I bit more positive. Personally I hate Mondays. I am sitting here in my gym gear (we joined in the summer even though we really really can't afford it) in the summer. I loved in initially.. got an exercise buzz and everything. Now I have to force myself to go which I do because it would be a waste of money otherwise. DH is in too much pain to go. I feel hopeless!