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Original poster

If I died I know they'd learn to live with it.

69 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 00:49

I don't want to say why I'm feeling like this but ateotd I don't think it would be too much of a loss. My kids have a dad who they love and I'm tired. So very tired. I just want to be at peace.

I don't believe in an afterlife but the thought of no more suffering is appealing.

Anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:
scotsllb · 19/11/2020 00:51

Yes I think it a lot. Except my kids only have me and the thought of leaving them pulls me out.
The thought that if I hang on just a few more years for them life will be different as we will all be in different stages.
Don't be fooled into thinking your kids won't be destroyed with life long issues if you leave like that.
They don't deserve it.
Life is fluid and it's trite to say it but things will change I promise. Keep talking xx

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 00:53

@scotsllb Thank you for replying.They're with their dad half of the time anyway, possibly even more soon. I have a new baby with my OH but she's only 5 months so she wouldn't remember me Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 00:54

*with

OP posts:
scotsllb · 19/11/2020 00:55

Also to add, the no suffering is something you won't experience.
What you can do is try to be so so kind to yourself now and reach out for help. If not for you for your kids.
You deserve a good life and you will have one.
If you could take the pain away, what would you like life to be like? Where do see your true self being? Visualise how you can make it happen. Not possible to achieve it now maybe but when the tough times pass.

JacktomyDaniel · 19/11/2020 00:57

I've been there. Just remember you can't take back the decision.
Not to trivialise it but I often think about stupid stuff I say or do when drunk and how I have such deep regret the next day. Imagine that this could be the case here but you can't take it back.
Confide in someone. Anyone. Right now. You can fight this x

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 00:57

@scotsllb I can't cope with losing my kids even more to an abuser. It's that simple. I'm so sorry to be so down and thank you so much for being there.

OP posts:
Audreyseyebrows · 19/11/2020 00:57

Would you be able to tell your OH or your HV how you are feeling?

scotsllb · 19/11/2020 00:57

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@scotsllb Thank you for replying.They're with their dad half of the time anyway, possibly even more soon. I have a new baby with my OH but she's only 5 months so she wouldn't remember me Smile[/quote]
Imagine the pain your baby will grow up thinking her mum left her and she wasn't worth sticking round for? Sounds like you are suffering pnd.
A new baby is a massive life change and so easy to lose yourself and sink into a hole.
Soon she will be up and about and will show you so much love.
I have a 3 year old and felt like you have so many times but I have to keep hope that the time will soon pass and the feelings will be replaced.

Impatiens · 19/11/2020 00:58

Yes, I've been there and come out the other side and I've lost loved ones to suicide. I totally understand your thinking and the yearning to be at peace but please please hang on for the sake of your children, they don't deserve this. Suicide damages so many lives, the guilt and pain of those left behind is devastating.

Ask for help, ask for more help, ask for more/different meds, phone helplines, talk on here - do everything you can to keep going on and you will come through this. x

Audreyseyebrows · 19/11/2020 00:58

Who is the abuser @Nicknamegoeshere

scotsllb · 19/11/2020 00:59

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@scotsllb I can't cope with losing my kids even more to an abuser. It's that simple. I'm so sorry to be so down and thank you so much for being there.[/quote]
Aw sorry to hear that. Can I ask if it's possible this will not happen? Is there anyway to change anything?
If the worst happens they still need you here. They are not children long and you have a whole future ahead with them past this awful time.

Casmama · 19/11/2020 00:59

Please reach out and get some help in real life op. Your children would be irreparably damaged if you weren't here- they love you and they need you.
Have these feelings come on since the birth of your youngest? Do you think it could be post natal depression?
I have a friend who has tried to take her life a number of times when feeling at her lowest but is so glad that it didn't work when she is feeling normal. You can get past this and find joy again.

You need support op- who can you speak to in real life?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 01:00

@scotsllb Basically my ex-husband (who abused me for years) is applying for further custody of my boys. Due to his abuse I have struggled mentally and he has used thst for his gain.
I am a terrible mother and my children deserve better.

OP posts:
Audreyseyebrows · 19/11/2020 01:01

Your children need you more than ever in that case @Nicknamegoeshere

scotsllb · 19/11/2020 01:03

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@scotsllb Basically my ex-husband (who abused me for years) is applying for further custody of my boys. Due to his abuse I have struggled mentally and he has used thst for his gain.
I am a terrible mother and my children deserve better.[/quote]
You are not a terrible mother. He is a terrible father.
You are strong. Do you have legal assistance?
Even if your ex wins more custody they still need you. They will see his true colours.
You need to be there to protect them and your new baby.
I know it's so difficult to be in a situation like this when it feels like that person has robbed everything off you.
The only way is to muster all your strength and fight. For you and your kids future.

FourPlatinumRings · 19/11/2020 01:03

Well, he'll get full custody of you remove yourself from the picture, OP.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 01:03

@Casmama It started when my ex began to abuse me. I married in 2005 so not long after that.
Thing is, he's brainwashed them so they are saying they want to be with him more. I know deep down they don't.
But because of his abuse I am struggling to keep going. It's all my fault.

OP posts:
FourPlatinumRings · 19/11/2020 01:03

if*

Youandmealwaysandforever · 19/11/2020 01:04

OP if you can't stay for the ones you love please stay for the ones who absolutely love you. Your post made me cry and I have been where you are many times but a few people kept me here. You need to speak to a HCP as soon as possible. Sending love to you.

scotsllb · 19/11/2020 01:04

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Casmama It started when my ex began to abuse me. I married in 2005 so not long after that.
Thing is, he's brainwashed them so they are saying they want to be with him more. I know deep down they don't.
But because of his abuse I am struggling to keep going. It's all my fault.[/quote]
But you must! The only from down is up and you can decide enough is enough and do not allow him to control your life anymore.
Well done for escaping the abuse, you have been strong enough to leave and you will be strong enough to see this through too.
How old are your kids

FourPlatinumRings · 19/11/2020 01:04

Do you think you may be suffering post partum depression, OP? Have you seen your GP about how you're feeling?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 01:06

@Youandmealwaysandforever My HV is referring me for therapy. But I can't face Court. Again. My OH says he'd never get over it but he would. He'd find someone far less damaged.

OP posts:
Audreyseyebrows · 19/11/2020 01:06

It really isn’t your fault.
Is your OH supportive?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 19/11/2020 01:08

@scotsllb 10 and 13 now but they were 3 and 6 when it went 50/50. I should have just done what he wanted and put up with it. I mean it was never physical. Just emotional and financial. I've let them down.

OP posts:
scotsllb · 19/11/2020 01:09

Your not damaged. Your traumatised and that takes time to heal. Allow yourself that time.
You are not to blame for any abuse. Ever.
Seek help there is lots out there. Get some professional help in your corner.
You've got 3 people who depend on you and your OH who loves you. He doesn't want someone else.
I understand you don't want to face court again it's awful but maybe you won't have to if you can help and something else in place.