If I died I know they'd learn to live with it.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I don't want to say why I'm feeling like this but ateotd I don't think it would be too much of a loss. My kids have a dad who they love and I'm tired. So very tired. I just want to be at peace.

I don't believe in an afterlife but the thought of no more suffering is appealing.

Anyone else ever felt like this?

@Nicknamegoeshere

Police have been involved. He has been to my house and banged on doors (trespassing into fenced garden) and thrown abuse at my OH. I had to go to Court for Police Powers as ex refused to return boys for the forseeable future "due to Covid". Son is furious I called police to assist me with his return as his dad was breaking Order. Police say Civil Matter, nothing to do with them.

The system is a joke and really isn't fit for purpose. Family courts look at what's best for the children. That doesn't mean who has more money or bigger house etc. If your kids are happy with you and have their routine etc thriving no court will be quick to change that. I wonder if social services could help you out here and provide you with some support.

@Nicknamegoeshere

He refuses to communicate via a Communication Book as was recommended in first hearing. He gets mad if I don't do what he tells me / wants.

So what if he gets mad, let him. The longer you engage the more opportunities he has to keep you trapped in this cycle. Your oldest is 13 so he can tell you what's what if there are any issues etc. Don't allow him to keep doing this to you. If he is not sticking to the conditions of his order then this must be raised.

Thank you. I think if I do have BPD they are better off with their dad. He is emotionally cold and has alienated them away from me but is also very clever so he wins really. Says his fiancé is 10/10 as a parent - she's has no kids of her own and has nothing at all to do with them!!!

@Nicknamegoeshere

Thank you. I think if I do have BPD they are better off with their dad. He is emotionally cold and has alienated them away from me but is also very clever so he wins really. Says his fiancé is 10/10 as a parent - she's has no kids of her own and has nothing at all to do with them!!!

Why? What's wrong with BPD? I have a friend diagnosed with this and she has her kids fine. What therapy or anything did the psychologist recommend or start you on? Do you get any medication that may be affecting your thoughts and moods?

Therapy. But what's the point if he's going to get the boys more anyway?

Your therapist is better qualified to actually diagnose you than the psychologist who probably met you for a sum total of 5 hours .

My therapist got me on adult safeguarding at my worst. It meant that I wasn't fighting battles alone.

There is help out there. This isn't a foregone conclusion. Decisions can be made and challenged. Not set in stone.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Therapy. But what's the point if he's going to get the boys more anyway?

Because they are are older and can soon make their own minds up about where they want to spend their time? You are their mum they love you. You have to keep going for them. This part of life will not last forever. You have your baby to think of and be strong for. She needs you more than anyone on the world

I think I remember you, OP. Did you post on here about this when you were still pregnant asking whether we thought you should abort because your ex had convinced the kids that the new baby was problematic and they were renting really negatively towards the pregnancy?

@chickenyhead But by the time I get therapy we will have had court again. I admit I am not in a great place. Because of him. Because of the abuse. The report didn't even identify his narcissism.

@scotsllb They are saying with their dad more. Because that is what they have to say. He has scared them. Told them the baby would be "Born a retard" etc.

@FourPlatinumRings Yes.

@FourPlatinumRings Maybe I should have? Would have meant I could meet the needs of the two boys more?

I don't think so personally, OP. Hard to say for you, but for me aborting that late along for no medical reason would've caused a lot of negative feelings which would've made it harder to care for existing kids. Plus they'd have known why you'd done it and eventually felt that guilt as they got older. Besides which, it's all academic now anyway. The situation is what it is and all you can do is deal with it as best you can.

Speaking dispassionately, you've a duty to all three kids to put them first here. While suicide may appeal because you feel like suffering would stop, it wouldn't make the situation better for any of your kids or your DH and ultimately would be selfish and cowardly. Looking at it logically, if you were no longer in the picture, your sons would be in their father's custody entirely. If you feel that's an acceptable outcome, why not just stop fighting it and let him take them now while you're living? The thirteen year old particularly is old enough to have his feelings taken into account- what does he want to happen?

They psychologist’s assessment that you can only provide low/moderate care for a 13 and a 16 year old because you are breastfeeding a baby is flat out wrong. Get another assessment, seriously.

Also, BPD is very treatable.

Finally, is there any possibility you’re suffering from PND?

Get help. Get as much help as you can and tell as many professionals as possible about your history and situation. Get as much of this on the record as possible. Someone will come through.

You will get help, get stronger, and stick around because you’re worth it and they love you and need you and there is a full, good life ahead.

@ShagMeRiggins I can't afford to. She was very anti it from the start. Thought it was "odd" that I was bf'ing on demand.

They are 13 and 10.

Sorry I got the ages wrong, OP. That changes things a bit but 10 and 13 can have their needs met by a mother with a baby.

The breastfeeding on demand thing just confirms what I already thought about this psychologist.

How did you end up with her and what is her role in the process?

Are there no charities or aid organisations that can help you?

How are you today @Nicknamegoeshere

@ShagMeRiggins The Court requested we were assigned a psychologist. The lies she has taken from my ex are shocking. He has not told her the truth. For example, re his family and their history of severe MH (his mother requiring hospitalisation). He has said he has a supportive family network when in reality he is so controlling only he is involved with the boys. My youngest has said what his dad has told him to.
I was (stupidly) honest eg about how I feel, mentioned past abuse, and now I am suffering for it yet again.

@Audreyseyebrows Thanks for checking in. I have had about 30 mins sleep in total so don't know how I am going to cope all day with baby.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.