If I died I know they'd learn to live with it.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I don't want to say why I'm feeling like this but ateotd I don't think it would be too much of a loss. My kids have a dad who they love and I'm tired. So very tired. I just want to be at peace.

I don't believe in an afterlife but the thought of no more suffering is appealing.

Anyone else ever felt like this?

It's not your fault op - you correctly identify abuse- he is the abuser and therefore he is to blame.
Your children would be left with an abuser with no one to stand up for them. You cannot let that happen, no matter how hard it is and how tired you feel you need to be here for them.

You need support. You need to find people that will help you stand up to him, family, friends your new partner. You can't give up.

@Audreyseyebrows Very. But he's wasting his time on a loser like me.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@scotsllb 10 and 13 now but they were 3 and 6 when it went 50/50. I should have just done what he wanted and put up with it. I mean it was never physical. Just emotional and financial. I've let them down.[/quote]
No you removed them from a toxic environment and that makes you an amazing mum.
My mum just stayed and put up with abuse and it screwed me up, I wish she could have been as strong as you.

He's not wasting his time op, you just can't see it at the moment

@Casmama So we've had a psychological report and it cites I have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. It says I am only able to meet the needs of the two boys low-moderately as I have a new baby who is fully breastfed and my OH became very poorly (spinal surgery) since her birth. He has recovered very well since.
Their dad is more able to meet their needs as he has a young partner, earns very well and no intentions of any more children.
No recognition of his abuse whatsoever.

@scotsllb Yes but they might well be going back to him for more time. It's punishment for me daring to leave him.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Audreyseyebrows Very. But he's wasting his time on a loser like me.[/quote]
I remember saying exactly the same to my now husband years ago. It really annoyed me that he couldn’t see it and it took a long time for me to let him in. Wake him up.

‘I should have just done what he wanted and put up with it. I mean it was never physical. Just emotional and financial. I've let them down.’

No, you did the right thing. Emotional and financial abusers think they are clever because they aren’t hitting you and you question yourself. He hurt you, just not physically. You showed your boys that they no one has the right to treat them like he treated you.
Have you ever spoken to anyone about it?

@Audreyseyebrows Yes. I also told the psychologist. But nobody listens. What evidence do I have? He argues it's all a load of crap and I'm mentally unwell. Which tends to happen when your kids are taken from you half of the time because you dared to leave. He did say at the time "I leave you penniless, bitch. And you will lose your kids." He was pretty much correct.

Do you agree that you have any traits of borderline personality disorder and are you receiving any treatment? I don't doubt the abuse - hope it doesn't come across that way.

@Casmama It's OK to ask, thank you for caring. I've looked BPD up and no, not really. Apparently it can be confused with Complex PTSD and I definitely have a lot of those traits. Mentally I was great until I married ex. Eg. There is one room of my mum's house I still can't go in because when I first left my ex that's where I slept when he changed the locks of the house within hours and took one of our sons. It was over six years ago but I still can't go in it.
I can't cope with my fiancé approaching me from behind as my ex used to follow me around the house intimidating me.
The list goes on.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Audreyseyebrows Yes. I also told the psychologist. But nobody listens. What evidence do I have? He argues it's all a load of crap and I'm mentally unwell. Which tends to happen when your kids are taken from you half of the time because you dared to leave. He did say at the time "I leave you penniless, bitch. And you will lose your kids." He was pretty much correct.[/quote]
What does the psychologist mean by low moderately? Have there been any other concerns for your children from school etc?
His opinion is only one and it doesn't make it fact.
You sound very stressed and struggling with the situations going on around you and need to find a way to relieve some pressure.
Do you have any evidence such a text messages or voicemails emails etc from your ex that can evidence or are you able to start keeping any?

@scotsllb No concerns from either school. Both kids excelling academically.
Psychologist is saying I only meet their needs low-moderately based on the fact I have another baby and fiancé has been poorly.
She wouldn't see any evidence like that.

Text msg when ex found out I was expecting. One of many...

If you call being with a desperate loser loved then you are even more deluded than I thought. You have never loved anyone other than yourself and are totally selfish. Glad you found someone at your desperate level to make you happy I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about the shotgun marriage!

Chin up Fight the fight Your children need you and you know it You sound like such a caring person Don't look back at the hard times look ahead to the great times, there is plenty yet to come If you didn't have bad times you wouldn't appreciate the amazing times ahead Walk forward with hope in your heart and you'll never walk He is just the typical evil ex who obviously has ruined your self-esteem that's all he is and he is winning when he has you feeling like this this is probably his game plan Tomorrow is a new day and there will be some situation tomorrow your babies will make you smile and all you can do is smile back and do your best. Action plan for tomorrow is smile and laugh This terrible time will pass and you will look back and think how did I manage and get through that but you did Good luck

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@scotsllb No concerns from either school. Both kids excelling academically.
Psychologist is saying I only meet their needs low-moderately based on the fact I have another baby and fiancé has been poorly.
She wouldn't see any evidence like that.[/quote]
That sounds a bit wide of the mark for her to make an assumption like that. Loads of us are dealing with mountains on our plate everyday and new babies and carry on as it sounds like you are.
It sounds like you have recognised you have PTSD and are burnout and feel like you have no fight left in you.
What's the timeframe of your ex going to court? Has he made a move yet or threatening to just now?

@Nicknamegoeshere

Text msg when ex found out I was expecting. One of many...

If you call being with a desperate loser loved then you are even more deluded than I thought. You have never loved anyone other than yourself and are totally selfish. Glad you found someone at your desperate level to make you happy I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about the shotgun marriage!

Save these.

@scotsllb Who do I show? My solicitor not interested.

In quick succession at concert for the eldest:

Please remember to bring me the £40 you owe me with the boys games kit and coats etc tonight. Thanks.
I can't see the £40 you owe me in the bag that your mum dropped round did you put it in there?

I think your mother waving at me means she has got the £40 you owe me - so I will come and collect from her at the interval. Thanks

OP i spent most of last year in this dilemma.

The truth is, they would never forgive themselves for not being enough. Ever. If they had just been more x, y z then you would have stayed. This was the truth that kept me alive.

It was my parenting assessment that was horrific. Did you have any other assessments done? I would request a different one. We has psychiatric, psychological and parenting.

If there is just one report by one rouge, they will decide on that. If you have a variety of reports, they will need to look closer at the reality.

He is trying to break you. You are unbreakable. Fight.

I also have complex trauma. It sucks. But my mental health team always pointed out that I was seeking help for my difficulties. My ex wasn't, he was just evil.

Are you concerned you ex will abuse your kids? Your solicitor should be concerned if so.
If he is abusing them as a way to get to you.
If he is continuing to abuse you can contact the police and show them also. Do you need to keep in contact with him?
Is there arrangements drawn up so a 3rd party can field any communication

@scotsllb Court again in January re custody. This case alone has cost me £20k so can't afford to buy a house now. Still renting. She also said as a result he can provide better financially (he earns way in excess of £100k pa).

I have been where you are, it’s exhausting. But things will be worse for your children if you are not around.

Please call or email The Samaritans if you are feeling very low. These feelings will pass.

Year ago I heard a young teenager being interviewed on the radio. Her mother had taken her own life (there was a in a situation with a difficult exDP - Similar to your circumstances). The girl had started a facebook group for parents that felt the same as her mother - to stop them taking their lives.

Her wish was they she could help other children not lose their mother, the way she had lost her own mother. It broke my heart hearing this girl speak. I hope her story can make a difference to you and your DCs.

Please get help. Keep posting here. We are here for you.

Police have been involved. He has been to my house and banged on doors (trespassing into fenced garden) and thrown abuse at my OH. I had to go to Court for Police Powers as ex refused to return boys for the forseeable future "due to Covid". Son is furious I called police to assist me with his return as his dad was breaking Order. Police say Civil Matter, nothing to do with them.

@quelquechose Thank you. I've spoken to Samaritans loads. But it still doesn't stop him.

He refuses to communicate via a Communication Book as was recommended in first hearing. He gets mad if I don't do what he tells me / wants.