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Original poster

How much longer do I have to feel like this?

365 replies

Depressedmum32 · 14/10/2004 10:29

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

OP posts:
bonniej · 27/10/2004 22:23

I'm sure you didn't do anything bad, spacecadet but you sound really depressed. I haven't read all the thread but you need to speak to someone. Please make an apt with your gp tomorrow. I'm not great at giving advice but really feel for you xxxxxxx

hercules · 27/10/2004 22:26

Oh sweetie. I dont know what to say but stay on line and someone better than me will be along I'm sure to help.

hercules · 27/10/2004 22:28

bump

moomina · 27/10/2004 22:29

Sweetheart - I am SURE you didn't do anything to her. Am so sorry I haven't read your thread before so don't know details. Please keep talking on here - don't go away.

wobblyknicks · 27/10/2004 22:29

I don't know what to say either but I'm sure you didn't do anything that bad, your subconscious should still stay 'online' and stop you. Really hope someone better comes soon, and hope you feel better about it soon. Lots of hugs xx

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:30

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:30

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:32

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

bonniej · 27/10/2004 22:32

I've got to go now but please stay online spacecadet and I'm sure someone will be able to help you. I will be thinking of you xxxx

childmindersam · 27/10/2004 22:32

is there any1 you can ring? a friend or family member. Where are you?

MummyToSteven · 27/10/2004 22:33

Hi Spacecadet, sorry that I have not been around, and checked you thread, but got too consumed in all the recent negativity on MN, so that I just wanted to hide away rather than engage with others.

So sorry that you are feeling bad atm. Looking at your most recent post, it sounds very much like OCD type thoughts - I have suffered from OCD for several years on and off when I experienced unpleasant thoughts where I was convinced that I had harmed people without realising it. You are very much not a bad person or bad mother - just that your guilt feelings and being through a difficult time has triggered off these type of thoughts - these thoughts are unpleasant but aren't real/valid thoughts, and bear no relation to you as a person - you need to let them go through your head, but, difficult as it sounds, you have to resist the urge to take any action that would give them validity, like trying to stay up and watch over dd. i can completely see that the combination of guilt over not being the "perfect mother" because you lost your temper, combined with your feelings of anxiety/spaced outness while coming off the ads/valium would easily trigger this type of over conscientious response. YOU WOULDN'T BE HAVING THESE TYPE OF FEELINGS IF YOU WEREN'T A BLOODY GOOD MOTHER WHO IS KEEN TO DO THE VERY BEST BY HER CHILD.

i am glad you found your CPN useful, but am sorry that you don't feel ready for the type of "socialising" she is proposing - is there anyway you could break this down into baby steps for you - sort of one event at a time. For run of the mill PND some form of socialising such as M & T groups does seem to be the highly recommended approach. In terms of CBT - would going private be an option? you can self refer. I went private myself as my GP refused to refer me to anything other than counselling, and wouldn't prescribe ADs as I was PG.

sorry if this was an incoherent rant, wanted to just get something down, and hope some or any of this is useful

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:38

Cant talk to my mum, she will just tell me not to be so stupid, I thought i was getting better, i only saw the cpn yesterday, but since then the irrational thoughts have come back with a vengance and got ten times worse.If anything happened to my baby I would kill myself.Reall dont feel like I have a reason to live, feel like a worthless piece of junk.dh sat in the living room but although he has been brilliant he doesnt want to HEAR how I feel.I cant go to the docs what if they take my children away.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 27/10/2004 22:38

Spacecadet, I am so, so sorry you feel so bad. I need to read through the thread properly to catch up and then I will be back.

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:40

Darling, they will NOT take your children away - everyone works towards keeping the family together. Your children need you and that is why you need to get some help now. Not in the morning - now. Ring your GP, please. This isn't going to get better by itself.

CountessDracula · 27/10/2004 22:41

Spacecadet I'm sorry I have no real experience of this sort of thing, however I do remember real feelings of desparation when my dd was v. young so I can sort of see where you are coming from. It sounds very much to me like you need to talk to someone about this now, don't worry about what they may think - imagine if your dh was in the same situation and feeling like this, wouldn't you rather he felt able to confide in you and seek your help? Or if not him, then someone else. Please don't try and deal with it on your own.

Will be thinking of you xxx

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:42

Oh mts I know what your saying but I cant make these thoughts go away and as you know I do suffer from ocd. last night I sat up watching dd because I was convinced something was going to hurt her in the night, i thought the wardrobe would fall on her etc and the checking is 10 times to worse, I want to make it all go away, surely i would know if i hurt my own child?

Merlot · 27/10/2004 22:43

Agree with Marthamoo, please ring your GP now. It takes a lot of courage to seek help - it is to be admired (they wont take your children away for that)

Branster · 27/10/2004 22:43

oh, here you are! I posted on your other thread.
would you please, please phone someone...

moomina · 27/10/2004 22:46

Yes, you would know if you'd hurt your own child, hun. And no-one will take your children away from you. It's the OCD and the PTSD that are making these irrational thoughts come. My mum has OCD and it's hellish so I know a little bit about how things are. I really wish I could give you some practical help. Is your dh there now? What would he say if you said you wanted to be hospitalised?

joanneg · 27/10/2004 22:46

I am so sorry that you feel like this. Like people have said it is not you, your are not well at the moment and you will get better. I have irrational dark thoughts that my dh and ds are going to die and I know just how disturbing it is. It keeps me up at night because I think that if I sleep something might happend to one of them and I wont be awake to help. I used to be a lot worse when ds was timy like your little one is.
My big thing was that I was sure that I would drop him down the stairs. I used panic about it a lot. It definantly sounds like OCD.
I just want you to know that you are not alone or mad. You have had a lot happen to you in your life and you are trying to get into control. Where abouts are you? I want to come over and look after you!!

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:47

SC, you cannot help how you are feeling - you are ill. You sound very, very close to the edge to me - you need to get some professional help to enable you to cope with these feelings about your dd. I know very little about OCD but I have suffered from severe PND and the feelings of panic and anxiety you describe are very familiar to me. I was convinced ds1 was going to die and it was my fault because I was such a terrible mother. You cannot go on like this - if you don't sleep you will have a breakdown. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I want you to please, please, get some help now. Please.

mykidsmum · 27/10/2004 22:51

You will ahve a crisis team in your area taht can help you with this they will help immediately, your on call dr should have their info. This CANNOT continue and needs to be dealt with NOW don't know too much about DH but can he not see what is going on and how desperate you are. You need help now, I really mean that. Please call your DR don't be scared, they are there to help not to punish xxxxx

MummyToSteven · 27/10/2004 22:51

you know the answer to that already SC. of course you would know if you had hurt your child. but that's the problem with OCD - the rational part of your brain gets overridden by the - I must have 100% certainty that my child will never come to harm due to the type of negative thoughts. it's an absolute b*tch of a disease - you are half overwhelmed by dreadful what if type thoughts, and half ashamed of how you are feeling, and wanting to resist but unable to

sleeplessness will make these OCD type thoughts much worse - it sounds like you got next to no sleep last night.

now just racking my brains as to what made me feel better when I was suffering badly from OCD and depression during my PG last year; my global strategy was thinking how I had had these type of problems before but had come through them, and so hoped to do so again. otherwise I just tried to distract myself by reading as much as I felt able. and kept myself going at work as normally as possible (tho not easy when you are spending hours washing your hands!)

Spacecadet · 27/10/2004 22:53

Its not fair, i thought i was going mad all those weeks ago and i really thought i had turned a corneryesterday i saw the cpn and she said i would probably recover without ads and in view of the bad reaction i had the other week on Cipralex she wouldnt put me on anything else.Today I felt so frightened again, im exhausted and these feelings seem worse, i have been screaming and shouting at the children ds1 and ds2 asked to got work with their dad today because i am so horrrible they didnt want to spend the day with me

marthamoo · 27/10/2004 22:54

SC, I am sorry but I have to go to bed - I will check on this thread in the morning. You can't go on like this - I pray you are ringing your GP now. Online support is great but sometimes it isn't enough - you need to be with people who can help you. Please make your dh listen. Please ring your GP.