Continued...raped by a work colleague, investigation ongoing

[Twentypasttwelve]

I have a long standing thread I started in Feb I think, this is a continuation from that thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/work/3821321-Work-colleague-raped-me-5-years-ago-and-Ive-finally-snapped

A bit of background for those who are new to my story, I was raped by a senior member of staff 5 years ago. In March, with the help of my husband, mum and of course MN, I found the courage to report him to my manager and to HR. An investigation started. Whilst I was promised by HR it wouldn't take longer than 2 weeks, here we are 10 weeks on and still no conclusion. Every day I wait by the phone in hopes I will get the phone call from HR to let me know what is happening. I do know he has his Hearing on Monday just gone (I only know this because my manager told me off the record). HR have been useless at keeping me up to speed with things and I feel that my case has not been prioritised. When I speak to HR he is very dismissive and condescending. Although I have felt believed by everyone I have told, which is a good position to be in I guess.

My mental health has taken an absolute battering these past few weeks. MN is a lifeline because I hate to burden my mum and husband every day. My husband couldn't be any more supportive, but I don't want this rape to define us as a couple. So I come on here to vent and get virtual hugs and hand holds.

In response to the last post on my previous thread:

@picklemewalnuts thank you. A really useful list, I will consider all the suggestions.

Just now I was struggling to put my trolley back in the awkward cupboard. It ended up with the trolley crashing to the floor and my keys, cash, sunnies, and everything else falling out all over the floor. I ran to the bedroom and picked up a pillow. I screamed and screamed and screamed into the pillow until I got hoarse. Then I cried and cried. I think I howled at one point.

Some of the pent up anger has been released and now I just feel numb.

Hello!

I cross posted with you at the end there, and missed that you'd cancelled your friends.

Please write a short note to HR pointing out how destructive you have found the process, that you took it forward with the assurance it would take 2 weeks.

I can't remember, have you seen the doctor?

So to go with the list of stress busters, here are some feel good ideas.

Animals- are there any animals you can spend time with? There is something hugely comforting about a goat pestering you for food, or puppy cuddles. Have a look around you area and your friends to see whether you can borrow some time with some.

You already know about baths.

What about beautiful scents? I love geranium essential oil, it's very uplifting. I have a particular body butter that has orange and geranium among other things. It's very soothing to sit and smell my hands! (😂 not weird honest)

Garden centres have huge ranges of hand creams and body lotions. You can spend a lot of time smelling bottles and deciding what you like best!

Forests have negative ions or something. You feel better under trees apparently.

Seaside also has similar feel good factors, and mountain tops.

If you can combine seaside with chips then that's a total win. Maybe seaside chips and some funny seagulls for ultimate entertainment!

Anyway, maybe something there will take your fancy and work as a pick me up.

Rant and scream away.

We're here as long as you want us Twenty.

Thank you so much for finding me.

Pickle, so very helpful. I'm very in to scent and aromas. My favourite it frankincense burner oil. Unfortunately it's very expensive, so will have to wait for payday! Also lavender. I have an array of lotions and potions, my husband knows I love that stuff and always comes home with different moisturisers and bath gel / bubble bath / salts. So I have that covered!

My mum has a cat. I'm visiting tomorrow so will have a pet.. If he'll let me!

Painting has become a thing over the last few weeks. I'm doing one now. It calms me... Although the one I'm doing now is frustrating me so I've left it down for a while. I will attach some of my work for you to have a look. I follow online tutorials, so they aren't my own work per se.

There is a forest a short drive away. I will go there next week. I love it there.

Yes, I will be writing to HR after this has concluded. The way they have conducted this investigation has been really poor. I don't want any future people who report something to go through what I've gone through. It's actually been more traumatic than the incident itself. And this is exactly why I didn't really want to report him, and exactly why I won't be reporting him to the police

I just want to return to work and feel safe in doing so.

Some paintings

Wow! You are talented. I like the first one particularly but would happily display any.

A good idea to put in a complaint. I would have thought they had a duty of care to provide you with therapy as well as not bugger up everything, giving you incorrect timelines and failure to communicate.

Thanks Bingle!

They did put me in touch with occupational health but they are fucking useless.

I'm so angry about how they allowed my line manager to be effectively cross examined by the perpetrator. And how they allowed him to work alongside all my witnesses while it was all going on. Putting everyone (including the perpetrator!!) in an extremely awkward position.

Disgraceful.

That is appaling. You would have thought it would fall under gross misconduct which is usually suspension while the investigation is going on. I'd check your contract and ask why that option wasnt used. I'd also get manager and witnesses to put in complaints if you can.

But, and this is a big but, only of this won't further harm your mental health. For some people campaigning helps but for others it does harm. You have a duty to noone but yourself and you must do what's right for you.

You're right, Bingle. I've thought about the complaint and I know I will do it at some point.

I want some time to elapse before I tackle the complaint though. I need hindsight and I also just need a break from it. It's been heavily bearing down on me for 6 months. And it's always been there for the last 5 years. I just need to not think about it for a while I think.

Atm I feel absolutely crushed by the weight of it.

I also have to take into consideration that I may not get the result I want. Doesn't near thinking about really.

Wonderful pictures! My favourite is the last.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching art videos on line. Things like acrylic pouring. Mesmerising!

I hope you have reported him to the police, has he been suspended by work? Speak to rape crisis or Women's Aid & ask for recommendations for a counsellor or therapist who can help you to try to process what has happened to you, mine advised me to write an account of what happened to me & then pick out the most distressing parts & write them down in minute detail, how I felt during the attack, my thoughts & feelings as well as the physical feelings & emotions. She also made me keep a journal of my emotions, triggers etc. I was diagnosed with PTSD, suffered flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, was very depressed, had mood swings, suicidal episodes. If you have reported the rape to the police, the SARC will have a counsellor you should be able to speak to. It's 10 years since my husband raped me & I promise you it does get better, I still have the odd flashback or nightmare usually around the anniversary of the rape, but I have learned to live with it & have come out the other side a lot stronger, if I can deal with that & survive, I can cope with anything. Don't be too ashamed of ask your doctor for help & antidepressants.

Thank you pickle. I a pint with acrylic but haven't been brave enough to try pouring. And yes I know exactly what you mean... Watching those videos are mesmerising!

Hi Nat, thank you for posting. I'm sorry about what happened to you , sounds like you've really worked hard on yourself and getting better. It's so gard isn't it?

To answer some of your questions. I will not be reporting this to the police because my mental health is more important at this point in my life. Reporting him to work has been as traumatic (if not more) than the actual rape itself. I have also reported him anonymously through Crimestoppers.

I am on a waiting list for therapy, through women's trust. I've been waiting since February. I did have a couple of sessions with an old therapist of mine (she offered 2 free of charge). I'm not sure I got much out of it tbh. I've also had therapy in the past, about other issues. I always find that by the time we get anywhere the free sessions run out. So what's the point?

I was prescribed sertraline, which I took for about a month. It didn't help and I am very opposed to medication so I weaned myself off them.

I have attempted several times to keep a journal but I never manage to keep it up...

Yes to normal sized type boxes! Your paintings are beautiful. Glad you screamed into a pillow. That’s great. It won’t feel like it now, but it’s so good to get it out. You’ve been treated appallingly by work so you have the double burden of that. It’s like they have no heart.

ThickFast... Thanks for finding me. And yes to normal sized type boxes!!

Thank you 😊 I started one today but I'm hating on it so I've walked away. I think I could bang out a masterpiece and I'd be unsatisfied with it today though.

Yes to HR having no heart. But also my big big boss who I always thought I had a good relationship with... He has delayed things for some unknown reason and hasn't been in touch to see if I'm okay. I'm disappointed in him tbh.

I suspect the perpetrator was kept on at work because he was needed while the new system got off the ground.

Sadly that wouldn't surprise me. I sometimes see on these threads about HR working for the company and doing what's in their best interest and they're right. Doesn't mean the people working in HR agree with it but that is what they have to do. If they did keep him on to finish the project and you end up leaving you would maybe have a case for constructive dismissal (I think - not an expert!).

I know I keep saying this but you must do what is right for you, don't do something because you think you should only do it if you think it will help.

Try chain/string paintings on youtube. And wood turning, some of those are amazing. I spend WAY too much time when I get on those.

Oh my god, just googled chain painting. WTF! I will be trying this very soon. Looks amazing. Thank you.

Y'know even if it goes my way, and he leaves the company etc. I am not sure how I will ever face my colleagues again. I may need to leave anyway after all of this. I am so angry with senior management and HR, how can I really return to work?? I have been signed off for 5 months... I have 1 month left on full pay. Then its statutory sick pay, which I can't survive on. So I will be forced back to work. It sucks really.

You can always report your attacker when you feel stronger, any evidence from the investigation at work can be handed to the police, or they will have the powers to requisition it. Also if you report it to the police, regardless of them finding him guilty, you can apply for criminal injuries compensation which if you are off sick or decide to not go back will come in handy.

Can I ask why you would struggle to face your colleagues?

Is it embarrassment? I know that is common but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. He has and I promise you if I were working with him I would ensure he knew that, being perfectly polite and communicating only on work matters (the british really are amazing at being politely rude!). I would be disgusted at having ever having a laugh with him, wondering how I didn't spot his real personality. With you though ? I would likely be wishing I had known so I could support you and wondering how the hell you are still sane. And proud I know someone so amazing as to tell people.

It might be awkward for a day or two as people wonder what they should say- noone wants to put their foot in it! But it would very soon settle down. Your feelings about the company and your boss are unlikely to back to how it was but I think it very unlikely your colleagues would treat you any differently .

Found you. Your paintings are amazing. Well done for having a good scream too. I know that you said that you are very opposed to medication but it does sound to me like you need something to help you. How about trying St John's Wort for a while (although it depends on if you are on any contraception) of you don't want modern antidepressants.

Nat6999, maybe one day I'll think about it. Right now the thought of reporting to the police is a non starter. If its anything like what I've been through at work, it'd basically be a suicide mission for me.

Yes I guess it's embarrassment facing my colleagues. And I know logically everything that you say, but that doesn't stop my feelings about them all knowing such a personal thing about me. I do not want to be seen as the rape victim

Hi Brenna, thank you for finding me and thank you for your kind words about my paintings. I will look into St John's Wort

There's nothing rational about feeling embarrassment at facing other people. Sadly, knowing that doesn't make it go away. Something about our society leaves us feeling differently about it than, say, being mugged. I'm sure we could unpick it, but to do that involves thinking about it far more than we'd want to!

Let it go. Accept it as an irrational feeling, and concentrate on practical strategies. (There are plenty, never fear, when the time comes!)

Speaking of strategies, my husband asked me if I am ready for the eventuality that he may not be asked to leave, and what I would do if that was the case.

I have no idea. Its unbearable to think about.

I can't leave my job, I need the income. If I left I guess I could go for constructive dismissal. Atm they are offering voluntary redundancy... Perhaps I could go for that.

All a bit crap because I'd like to stay, mainly because I want the maternity should I get pregnant...

It is something you should consider but not dwell on. You have been there 5 years I think? So maybe time for the next stage of your career anyway.

I've been there 8 years in total. The rape was 4 years ago.

I was absolutely ready to change careers and even had a role lined up at women's aid before the lockdown. Now I feel I need my job so I am secure, and so the women's aid thing has been put on hold.

Everything is so uncertain it's driving me insane, wish I could switch off

Just a quick one, St. John's work cancels out the pill so just be aware if you use that route

That would be St Johns Wort ! Hate auto spelling !