Continued...raped by a work colleague, investigation ongoing

[Twentypasttwelve]

I have a long standing thread I started in Feb I think, this is a continuation from that thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/work/3821321-Work-colleague-raped-me-5-years-ago-and-Ive-finally-snapped

A bit of background for those who are new to my story, I was raped by a senior member of staff 5 years ago. In March, with the help of my husband, mum and of course MN, I found the courage to report him to my manager and to HR. An investigation started. Whilst I was promised by HR it wouldn't take longer than 2 weeks, here we are 10 weeks on and still no conclusion. Every day I wait by the phone in hopes I will get the phone call from HR to let me know what is happening. I do know he has his Hearing on Monday just gone (I only know this because my manager told me off the record). HR have been useless at keeping me up to speed with things and I feel that my case has not been prioritised. When I speak to HR he is very dismissive and condescending. Although I have felt believed by everyone I have told, which is a good position to be in I guess.

My mental health has taken an absolute battering these past few weeks. MN is a lifeline because I hate to burden my mum and husband every day. My husband couldn't be any more supportive, but I don't want this rape to define us as a couple. So I come on here to vent and get virtual hugs and hand holds.

In response to the last post on my previous thread:

@picklemewalnuts thank you. A really useful list, I will consider all the suggestions.

Just now I was struggling to put my trolley back in the awkward cupboard. It ended up with the trolley crashing to the floor and my keys, cash, sunnies, and everything else falling out all over the floor. I ran to the bedroom and picked up a pillow. I screamed and screamed and screamed into the pillow until I got hoarse. Then I cried and cried. I think I howled at one point.

Some of the pent up anger has been released and now I just feel numb.

I'm not taking any contraception, we are hoping to conceive. I'm 40 do it's the last roll of the dice really.

That's why I need to stay in my job... I need the maternity package should I get pregnant.

For soothing scents, I find that the diffusers work wonderfully and cost very little and you can get the oils pretty cheaply because you don't need much.
Here's a link to one on Amazon....I am in no way recommending this particular one, but take a look at all the different styles.
And here's a link to PipingRock who will ship to the UK and have the most amazing selection of oils (and vitamins). I am in the USA and their prices are fantastic here. Not sure if they are as good in the UK.
As a PP suggested....geranium oil is great and vanilla too and lavender.

Hello
Firstly, you are not a rape victim, you are a rape survivor.
Do you not think (but i have not read the full thread) that as HR know you have not gone to the police, they are dragging their heals over this because they think they can. Where is the urgency or imperative that they get on and do, what ? Dismiss/sack him, he’s a manager and could very well be more important to the company than you.
They are just running down the clock and hoping you crack first and go.
I am desperately sorry you are in this situation, but I do think that with police involvement you would get a better outcome, plus has he done this to anyone else in the company etc ?
I am not blaming you in anyway, I wish you success and closure

Still behind you OP. Sorry it’s so hard for you at the moment.

Good morning. I'm feeling okay today. I have family to see later.

Sofia Thank you very much for the oil recommendations I will definitely take a look. I intend to have our new home smell divine.

Thesuzle really good point. I said to my husband yesterday that he is needed more in the company than me. He is a senior member of staff who knows all the computer systems like no other. I am a part time admin assistant. I was saying that they may keep him on for that reason. I never thought about them purposefully dragging their heels in the hopes I would just leave. I am still reluctant to go to the police with it as yet. I would go to the union though, or get in touch with the governers maybe? I don't know

Thank you captain beard.

YY to rape survivor!

Also on a side note. Since all of this came out in the open I have been secretly obsessing over how I looked on my wedding day. I hate the way I looked. The dress was wrong, may hair was wrong, my makeup was wrong. I hate having my picture on the wall as a constant reminder. I can't get it out of my head. Any tips to sort my brain out?? It's almost like my brain is focusing on this so that it doesn't focus on the rape and the investigation.

The last thread disappeared on me too, just found this one. I'm SO sorry your work is being awful with this. I was so sure it was going to be done and dusted quickly. I'm appalled it's still ongoing.

Being raped is basically being treated like you don't matter, don't exist. What your work is doing is amplifying that 10-fold by not dealing with it promptly and keeping you waiting. It is not a respectful way of dealing with any situation and is without doubt extremely harmful in a rape case.

I say that because the way you are feeling is completely justified not just because if that he did, but the horrific way in which you're now being treated both by the company in general and your boss, who you thought you could trust.

If you were feeling good in this situation, you'd have something seriously wrong with you. In a weird way, the way you're feeling is a sign that you're healthy.

I hope they sort this out pronto.

Howlat... Thank you for finding me.

Being raped is basically being treated like you don't matter, don't exist. What your work is doing is amplifying that 10-fold by not dealing with it promptly and keeping you waiting

THIS TIMES A THOUSAND.

Sometimes it feels as though process of investigation has been more traumatic than the rape itself. Its crazy to even think that!? Like, how can anything be more traumatic than that? It's like I'm being punished over and over again. I'm forced to relive it every day that this goes on.

Thank you for putting it into words for me.

Can you compartmentalise, Twenty? Stick it in a box and only get it out at specific times?

That may help with some aspects of it.

Have you had any support from rape crisis or woman's aid? A union? Acas?

Re your wedding dress and photos, I'd agree it's a distraction technique, displacing your emotions somewhere safer. That said, there's nothing to stop you getting some photos done or planning a renewal ceremony for some unspecified point in the future. I frequently plan my next house. Goodness knows when we'll actually move, but you know!

I am very good at compartmentalising usually. I'm finding it hard to put things into boxes right now though, as it's still "open". I can compartmentalise past events. Not sure if that makes sense or is very healthy now I think of it.

I haven't had any support for outside organisations, no. Women's Trust is supposed to be getting me therapy but nothing is happening. I tried to ring WA once but the phones just rang out and I gave up. I may get in touch with the union tomorrow if I haven't heard from HR by 4pm.

I hate feeling like that about my wedding dress / look. Because rationally I know I looked lovely. But it's turned into obsessive thoughts... I look too matron my, my dress is boring, I look too stumpy, my hair looks ridiculous, I should have worn my veil lower down, my makeup is too heavy and brings out my under eye bags... The list goes on. Its upsetting because on the day I felt beautiful, I was told so many times over, and it really was the best day of my life. The love on that day, felt from everyone in the room... Was beyond description. Its horrible that all I can think about is how I looked that day. I've put on 3 stone since then, so a new photo shoot is definitely off the cards! I think I just need to acknowledge that my thoughts are a distraction. And that again, once this is over, I can begin to overcome them.

I'm a bit worried that I'm pinning a lot on the conclusion. I will stop drinking as much / I will lose weight / I will feel better / I can move on / things will go back to normal etc etc. I suspect it won't go like that, that it'll be much messier. That I might decline before I get better.

But that remains to be seen...

One day you will look at those photos again and be glad.

I think this kind of situation is where sticking pins in dolls comes from. I could get behind that! And these days, should something unfortunate happen to him, we're all too modern and rational to blame you!

Ooh a voodoo doll... Sounds therapeutic 😉

The funny thing is I don't wish any ill will on this guy. Is that odd? I don't hate him. I hate what he did to me. And I resent the thought he may not even think he did anything wrong. I hate that he took something away from me... I don't know what. I don't know WHY I feel pain. I don't know WHY I cry about it. I just do. And that's a bit disconcerting. What did he take from me? I can't put my finger on it. But what he did definitely changed something in me. Maybe something inside me died. I don't know.

I hope I can love my wedding pics with love for myself again one day

I've woken up with high anxiety.

I'm trying not to be hopeful that today is the day HR call me with the outcome. I'm trying to tell myself it'll be the end of the week.

Being awake in the dead of night like this is horrible

It is, it's shit. I suggest you get out of bed, get a blank canvas and paint something. Or bake a cake or watch random tv or read a book or SOMETHING. You don't have to be up early so occupy yourself to try to stop the words going round.

Does reading mn count?

I have my dc in the bed with me and dh has taken the sofa. It's dead quiet and I don't want to disturb anyone. Plus tbh... Motivation is very low.

Thank you for being here, Bingle. Why are you awake at this ungodly hour??

Have spent the last 2 hours in bed checking out painting tutorials. They are so soothing to watch, as well as inspiring.

I've bookmarked a few and I am excited about getting started later today.

I am starting to get sleepy again now so hopefully the sandman will visit 😊

Hi Twenty, - just so you don’t feel alone. I am awake too!

Not through anxiety fortunately - I am feeding my 3 week old daughter 👶🏻

But I have experienced being awake in the middle of the night because of anxiety, stress, worry etc. And it’s horrible. You feel so alone and the night seems to go on forever.

I feel too knackered and brain dead to give you any advice, I have read your posts though and I am
So sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone at this hour and i am sending you sleepy thoughts 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚‍♂️ And hope you nod off 😴

Flissity thank you so so much for taking the time to post, even though you're so tired. I remember the early days of motherhood!😴

You certainly have made me feel less alone. I'm actually wide awake still, listening to the gentle snuffling of my sleeping ds ❤️

Congratulations on baby btw 😊 I hope you manage some Zs too x

It’s the absolutely exhausting tiredness - I think you forget how tired you get! This is my third, I should have know better! She’s such a darling though, and me being older this time (37) (my other 2 are 8 and 11) I think I appreciate things more? And have more patience.

It’s hard to get back to sleep when it’s practically daylight outside... and we had the windows open a bit and a huge flock of crows just went past! They were so loud, and so many of them! Weird. Things you see/experience at 4am.

Oh yes the sleep deprivation is something else isn't it! But it's also so rewarding and lovely.

We decided to ttc recently. We'd been umming and ahhing for years and somehow since lockdown, we thought about what's important to us, and that's family. We would adore a child together (we both have 1 child each from precious relationships)

Getting pregnant would be such a positive thing in our lives, God knows I need that at the moment.

I've decided to give rape crisis a call tomorrow. I need to really knuckle down on stabilising my mental health and take an active part in my healing process.

I've found inspiration for my next art work

Lots of people who have gone through traumatic experiences have feelings of shame and self-hatred. Given what happened to you and is happening to you, perhaps your self-hatred is finding this moment of perfection in your life and attacking that. A bit like a form of self-harm.

I wonder what would happen if instead of fighting with those thoughts about how you looked on your wedding day, you allowed them to happen, telling yourself at the same time that this is an outlet and in time these feelings will pass? Observe them. Or even play bingo with them - I bet there are some repetitive ones! And if new ones come up then note that it's a new one and don't criticise yourself or get frustrated - it's just a new bingo square! A bit like "Yup, ok. That's 'stumpy'. Hmm-mm so that's 'hair', ok." Etc, and don't focus on "Why am I thinking this? I don't want to think this!" - or turn that into a bingo square too.

If they continue long after the work situation is resolved (one way or another) and you've had some counselling, then would be a time to worry/fight back against them (ie with counselling). But for now, they're maybe not as much of a problem as they feel they are IYSWIM?

Sometimes it feels as though process of investigation has been more traumatic than the rape itself. Its crazy to even think that!?
I don't think so at all. There are different types of trauma. One thing being traumatic doesn't invalidate the trauma of something else, even if it's something that you (and many other people) wouldn't expect to be traumatic.

I hope it stops today!!

Great video! I didn't watch to the end, but the face was fascinating.

I can't believe it, I was up last night too! I don't come on MN because it stops me falling back to sleep. I read instead, black background so there's less blue light.

I hope today isn't too wearying, after a sleepless night!

Howlat, thank you. So helpful to look at the self hatred of how I looked at my wedding as a form of self harm. I think that's hit the nail on the head. Thank you for helping me identify it and put a name on it. It really is such a help to me.

Pickle, I managed to snatch a couple of hours. I'm pretty exhausted today but I've put on my warpaint and I'm going to fight fit through the day. Will try not to check my phone every 5 seconds. You're so right about not using the phone at night, it doesn't help.

I'm so sorry to have abandoned you - my sleeping pill kicked in just after I posted.

Got the outcome of the investigation at long last. He has been dismissed as of today. I am so relieved its over and the result went my way. I hope to return to work as soon as I feel able. Thank you for your support xxxx