can't motivate myself to do anything - please give me a nudge

[monkeyonthetable]

I wake up every morning and have zero motivation for anything. There are loads of things I'd like to do or could do but I seem to have an invisible block stopping me from actually doing any of them. I found it hard enough this morning to just have a bath and get dressed. Weirdly, the stuff I most want to do is even harder to get motivated about.

I am managing a walk most days, a bit of cooking, shared with DH and the bare minimum housework. But even the house seems so perpetually grubby from having everyone home all the time, and I don't have energy to clean, only to see it undone within 24 hours.

I feel like I need someone to tell me: do this now. I just can't find the ignition myself.

Anyone feel the same? Or have advice? or fancying telling me what to get started on? I know it seems silly but it is really dragging me down and making me feel deeply self-critical. Slippery slope.

I haven't read it yet, it came up on my recommend list and Tbh I downloaded it by accident, I had never heard of him until your post above. I was just letting you know if you were going to get it that it might be a good time while it is cheap. haven't seen any YouTube stuff at all.

A lot has been going on here, externally and internally, my fnd has flared and so I have been fully bedbound again and lost the ability to speak and move anything other than my eyelids.

Also floored with infection, aspiration and was under the hospital at home service for almost a week as was determined not to be admitted

bloody hell frogs that sounds awful. Has your fnd improved? (I guess it has as youre typing, sorry) Is your infection under control? Words feel useless but Im sending you get better soon vibes

Yes on oral antibiotics now, it was quite strange having the team come in to do iv antibiotics and chest physio. The worst of it lasted about 2 weeks, then I started regaining some functions but by bit. Legs still not working but that's life.

I spent 6 months of the last 18 in a specialist unit and left it at the beginning of February and had been doing brilliant overall. This was the first big flare so it took its toll.

The not being able to move or speak, when friends came to check on me as I usually message hello as a back up each morning to let them know if I am in a similar situation so if nobody hears from me before x time, then any 1 of 7 people will let themselves in and get help if needed, if it was just my phone out of battery / sleeping that's no problem. They know how to semi wake me to check I'm o k.

I was doing the eyelashes flutter as best I could and with a series of yes/no they worked out that I couldn't speak, couldn't open my eyes and couldn't move from eyes down but could hear but only on the right side, left side is blocked and infected so being treated for it. It has been this bad/ worse in the past but thankfully my wishes were Crystal clear to all, no hospital as local hospital is useless re fnd they play what I call PPP patient ping pink

Blimey what an ordeal. Good that you have been able to avoid hospital though

Do you live alone?

Urg that is a horrible flare up. Glad you're getting function back and infection is being treated. With my son its always his legs that "come back" last too. Weird. Hope you've got sonething nice to distract yourself with. I've been bingeing on ER recently. Not massively relaxing but certainly absorbing!

I'm having a lot of anxiety symptoms. Long chat with v unhappy dd last night really didnt help. Went to bed with chest pain last night. I switched from Fluoxetine to Sertraline 10 days ago and I'm wondering if thats part of it.

My osteo translated my 2 MRI reports.

My back is really fucked
One slipped disc
One burst disc
One vertebra misplaced
One nerve restricted
plus advanced disc degeneration.

Serious questions about my ability to return to my job, or most jobs in short term and beyond.
And I'm about to get divorced. fuck.

I'm no expert on backs but that doesn't sound good. And maybe it's shit timing with the divorce, in terms of finances. Although emotionally may be it can help you to be able to rebuild your health if you are no longer in an unhappy relationship.

You will get through this.

Have you had advice on treatments for your back?

Your back sounds awful. @colouringindoors

@Snog yes I do live alone,

I used to have a full care package and I am determined not to have any of them again as it was awful and very stressful. It was a constant run of we don't do x y or z so left a trail of destruction in their wake, being without any of them for the past 6 months has taken a load of stress off (I was only asking for them to clean up after themselves) but I have lovely friends who are co-ordinating to come in at least once a day to check my situation and basically put/ take away things from beside me.

I do have various supplies close at hand and there are a few things are waiting to be moved around at the moment (as decorating / decluttering has been very stop start from my health side, covid lockdown, no tips, no recycling centres, no charity shops,

Support worker has been helping over the months but cos of restrictions can't visit atm) so am very close to being fully accessible in the house to use the chair just a shorter list to sort out now which is waiting on handyman..

On Tuesday I did achieve a few things (in the theme of the general thread) I have:

sorted out extra meds from GP / chemist / someone to pick up script as needed
Sorted out meals delivery for a couple of days until I can get back on my feet/wheels whatever applies.

Frogs well done on all your tasks and decorating/decluttering progress too.
It's frustrating that it's hard to recycle things due to covid.
I used the Olio app to freecycle some unwanted items recently and it worked well - people come to your house to collect items and you can leave things on the doorstep. I also had a charity come over and collect things when I had a lot of china and other stuff to get rid of.

Thanks both.

I was referred to Spinal Unit at Stoke Mandeville urgently about 6 weeks ago. Heard nothing. All clinics round here have massive waiting lists due to shutting down in lockdown. I'm hoping to speak to GP tomorrow.

The NHS waiting lists are ridiculous due to the coronavirus slowdown, such a nightmare. Hope your GP can help @colouringindoors. How are your symptoms today?

I did some emailing of contractors and evaluating of quotes (hate doing this kind of stuff) so I'm proud of myself for keeping that moving forward. Also went for a walk and worked out how to play FB videos on my TV via airplay.

Might go back to bed for a bit now as I feel shattered again. I have some salmon steaks to cook for tonight but could do with a new recipe as I'm bored of baking them in foil with veg. I also need a nice new series on Netflix/Now/Amazon to get stuck into later on!

I'm aiming to do some more decluttering and list some stuff on eBay over the next week or so. Also want to do a bit of art but can't seem to start anything....

Managed some good stuff today:
Went for a walk
Finally got a man round to re-felt the shed roof and fix the door- I thought I could do this myself but that was just ludicrous. One of those things I think I "should" be able to do when in reality I haven't a hope of being able to do it as I don't have the know how, the skills, the tools or the health to do it. And I might wish that DP was handy with DIY but that doesn't make it so!

Also got my dd a GP phone appointment and weirdly (and unusually in fairness) the GP was crap with her. She has very bad anxiety and depression and the GP said she has now tried all the available drugs so it's one she has already tried or nothing. She has tried 4 drugs so it is patently not true that there are no other options and I don't understand why the GP said this.

It's hard enough being unwell without having to deal with unsympathetic and unhelpful GPs. I get that it's difficult dealing with someone with depression but surely a GP should have the skills to do this.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Totally had enough today.

What are you up to now @colouringindoors?

every day there's something else. Just switched off a hoogle doc my dd hsd started - she's sure she has ocd. this afternoon my ex told me my ds told him he was bi. not an issue in itself (heavily influenced by sister) just more stuff. before that family therapy with ex who comes across ss the golden boy (rage) i sit there trying not to throw up. last 2 evenings counselling dd for hours stressed with yr11 and a load more. it never ever ends

Oh gosh that's a lot.
Is family therapy the right timing for you right now? It just sounds so traumatising

you're right - it's not. i think there'll only be one more. cant work out whether to say anything re trauma and ex but not convinced it would realky be listened to.

Would cancelling the last one be any better than attending it? Or let the others go without you? Your own mental health absolutely needs to be a priority too.

Thanks. I’ve managed to influence ex to draw it to a close. I don't know if I can miss the last one. But i will think about it. My therapist has been encouraging me to draw it to a close. camhs relationship is very fragile. I had to grovel for family therapy. I always have fallout from family therspy sessions. They believe everything he says. They don't take trauna into account. They encourage the children to believe we can be friends if we communicate more and better. I will never be his friend.

Family therapy sounds really unhelpful in those circumstances, also unrealistic in its expectations and damaging for you as an individual.

You don't need to be friends with your ex - nobody needs to do this fgs. Ideally you need to be able to communicate with your ex about the children as necessary in a mutually respectful way.

Your mental health absolutely needs to be a priority as without it you will really struggle to be there for your dc.

If you do go to the last family session I would consider telling the therapist at the beginning that since your ex lies in the sessions and that is accepted at face value the sessions aren't constructive for the family as they are not authentic. Furthermore that they bring up past trauma which has not been addressed. Alternatively maybe you could get in touch before the session by phone or email?

I think family therapy can be great, but not in these circumstances. Possibly family therapy for you and dc WITHOUT your ex? Since he isn't your family anymore.

thanks snog it has helped the kids raise stuff with him rather than about him to me as they used to. Does seem to have given him a kick up the arse and actually be more of a parent.
But the trauma side of it is shit and he is so good at talking the talk. I did draft an email today to send to consultant family therapist. Not sure if I will.
Had appt with osteo who is a sweet guy. He says he can get me back to a good level of fitness, will prob take 6 months. Found that encouraging, just need to work out how to deal with work.
Have kids til late pm tomorrow . It's raining and I can't take them out as can't manage ds' wheelchair. Thought of a full day here with them is not appealling. Just have no energy or enthusiasm to do anything proper with them.
My world has got so small what with lockdown and now back.

How's things with everyone?
Colouringindoors the osteo report sounds very positive even if it is no quick fix. I know what you mean about the world feeling smaller when you have illnesses and disabilities on top of lockdown.

I've started the 5;2 diet today as I could do with losing my lockdown weight! It feels positive to do things to improve my health and well being. Whether I will be able to stick to it for a few months I don't know but Day 1 is going good so far! I made some healthy veg kebabs for supper today.

hi good luck with the 5:2, a friend of mine has had a lot of success with it.

very mixed day. started off feeling good. Ok about the 6mth timescale. Then got call from GPs secretary saying she'd chased my referral and unit said no idea when I'd be seen as huge backlog. Then email from work chasing me for info on return/dr note. Still no doctors note which was stressful. Acupuncturist this pm who has a lot of personal and professional experience with prolpased discs said based on my osteo eval (disc casing partially blocking nerve route) surgery will prob be recommended. Terrified by prospect. This evening just feel totally overwhelmed by it all.

You have a lot to deal with right now so I'm not surprised that sometimes it feels overwhelming.

Tomorrow is another day. I know many people who have been failed by the NHS regarding back problems who have achieved very good results from osteopaths and I'm sure that accupuncture will also be supportive.

I hope you can find some ways to treat yourself and relax in between dealing with all the tough stuff and stress.

My poor, poor family.