can't motivate myself to do anything - please give me a nudge

[monkeyonthetable]

I wake up every morning and have zero motivation for anything. There are loads of things I'd like to do or could do but I seem to have an invisible block stopping me from actually doing any of them. I found it hard enough this morning to just have a bath and get dressed. Weirdly, the stuff I most want to do is even harder to get motivated about.

I am managing a walk most days, a bit of cooking, shared with DH and the bare minimum housework. But even the house seems so perpetually grubby from having everyone home all the time, and I don't have energy to clean, only to see it undone within 24 hours.

I feel like I need someone to tell me: do this now. I just can't find the ignition myself.

Anyone feel the same? Or have advice? or fancying telling me what to get started on? I know it seems silly but it is really dragging me down and making me feel deeply self-critical. Slippery slope.

Well i think I've effectively self sabotaged my lovely EA person

Wrote a list. Did a few things, most of which were not on the list. I would describe my organisational style as ‘meandering’.

Update from me, everything done on my previous list except for hair colour / cut and face mask

@colouringindoors you are doing so well in spite of everything,

Nudges to all who needs them

Today I am going to try and bake bread - means I can thump things out after my phone call
Phone appointment with psychiatrist at 10.30am

Well done Terralee on the shower and outing.

Colouring We can unravel together . Or let's just keep plodding on one day at a time, I suppose.

Darker Yay for lists! You can always add things you've done outside the list onto the list afterwards, just so you can immediately tick them off for a sense of achievement.

Frogs I'm very impressed you got all of that done. Good luck with the appointment.

I didn't manage physio yesterday, but got the other thing done, whatever it was. I'm feeling very unreal and unwell today. Having a lot of trouble thinking at all, to be honest. But I've got a load of laundry on the go and have just emptied the dishwasher, and I'm showered and dressed. Waiting to have a weekly support call, although not sure I'm really well enough to chat. Other plans:

• Go for a walk in the afternoon.
• Weed the path in the front garden.
• Cook salmon for dinner.

Busy this morning and going for a walk with a friend tonight after she’s finished work, so I’m thinking about how to make use of the afternoon. I want to tick at least one thing off the list and cook dinner.

frogs insane ❤
darker sounds like a good plan.
I'm going into work 11-4 so that's my one task.
Trying not to think today.

managed not to cry at work.

colouring did you find work difficult today? How are you feeling now?

Glad work wasn't a total catastrophy, colouring.
Your day sounds good, Darker

I didn't manage the walk, as felt quite dizzy and foggy. The front path is weeded and we ate the salmon, though. And I bit the bullet and booked the damn GP appt to talk about meds. It's not until Thursday, which is fine. I'm not exactly looking forward to it.

Well done Insane on getting that done despite feeling weird. Going for walk on a hot day feeling like thst would not have been clever. Are you thinking you might need to change/increase meds?

thanks darker I am feeling soo depressed at the moment and really stuck. It shows the therapy is doing something I guess - my brains endlessly trying to work stuff out. And partly cos its impossible to know for sure and partly cos my memory is shit. I can't work it out.

colouring - I came off all my psych meds a a little while ago for the second time this year. It's not been a good year. Just been very over-focused on the potential to gain weight on them (despite being on them for years and not actually doing so), and because for other even crazier reasons. Also they just didn't seem to be helping anymore. The first time I quit them I went cold turkey and things went very badly, so ended up agreeing to go back on the same ones, really just to placate everyone. This time around I didn't initially tell anyone, but tapered them off slower. Took the very last bit of the last one 2-3 weeks ago? My plan was to give myself at least a month to see how I do once the worst of any potential withdrawals would be over. I just don't think I can actually do it. I'm quite worried, though, that there just won't be any better drugs out there that wouldn't also have side effects I don't want. Also couldn't cope with any initial "it'll get worse before it gets better" period, as I'm hanging by a thread here. Already regretting making the appointment, to be honest. I must be the most frustrating patient ever.

sympathies insane its so hard with meds. I take an old fashioned anti depressant/anxiety med at night (put on to balance the extra anxiety fluoxetine gave me .) Because I've been drinking more this year (yes I know) I started taking half the dose if I drank that night. Then when talking over meds with therapist she said some cause tiredness. So I thought well actually I have been less tired recently so decided to permanently halve dose (100mg to 50mg) a few weeks ago. Depression since nosedive. Related? or more due to lockdown plus family therapy with ex who totally traumatised me, plus personal therapy for trauma...

I'm thinking I need to change meds (been on these 6+ years, not sure they're still effective) so reluctant to go back up to 100... Trying to find a good private psychiatrist to review meds with (NHS waiting time for me as not urgent or interesting patient 6 months). GP had recommended someone who sounded good on phone but she's not taking on new patients at the moment. So back on phone to GP on Thur. Also as therapist on holiday this week I could have a little chat with her if I wanted. It's a mess.

If I didn't have kids here I would not be moving from my bed. As it is I can hardly bear to be with them it's so much effort.

also totally with you on the can't do it'll get worse before it gets better as I feel so close to the edge now.

night

boiling here. Upped my meds last night and maybe feel a bit calmer for it.
today:
yoga
coursework

I got very angry & upset yesterday about the whole way the coronavirus has ruined things I enjoy like the gym, seeing friends, holidays, going out, & also my work problems.
So I took a lorazepam to calm me down.

This morning I'm trying to have a shower because I want to try to get the bus to the local shopping centre after lunch.

Tackling something today that I have been avoiding for a while. My proscrastination makes me feel shit about myself but this job is to do with something which is very triggering for me. I’m scared there will be a hitch. But I’ll feel so much better when it’s done.

Glad the higher dose seems to help colouring. I've toyed with the idea of a private psychiatrist myself. I've not actually seen a NHS one since receiving my bunch of diagnoses back in 2006 - not a single review of any kind despite requesting for one several times. Right now it seems a bit overwhelming, though, and I don't have a lot of trust they would be helpful.

Good luck with the shopping this afternoon, Terralee!
And good luck with getting the thing done, Darker!

I ended up taking a dose of my PRN last night, too, and eventually managed to sleep. I can't say my mood is any better today, but the sunshine is actually nice right now, and I've managed to have a productive morning. Just got home from a walk, the pharmacy and the supermarket. Sweaty and knackered now! That's really my daily plans done already. Rest of the day's plan: attempt stability and self-care and do a tiny bit of stretching, and to allow myself some ice cream.

Done my yoga. Back so stiff with beginnings of sciatica. Thats what happens when I don't do it every week. Put load washing in.

Teralee the Coronavirus IS really hard, perfectly natural to have times when it really gets you down. Air conditioned shopping centre sounds like an excellent idea.

Darker very best of luck with your thing. Hope it goes smoothly and doesn't take too long.

Insane the lack of MH care makes me mad. No review for you since 2006 is disgusting. I've only seen a psych once, to assess me following ex's suicide attempt. My GP recommended someone good and nice (I trust her recs). I dont think the meds I'm on are doing a lot (although maybe given change recently they have!) It would be hood to have an expert review them. Also my therapist thinks they need adjusting as she says I regularly "shut down" during therapy which makes it a lot less effective. She has clients with positive experiences on citalopram, Gp suggested Sertraline. But the tapering off, starting a new one process fills me with dread. Thinking of my dcs (and dad) at the moment is keeping me alive.

I know i need to drink less too....

I've been wondering for a while whether to map out a timeliness of the ladt 20 years or so, all exs major MH crises and imoact. plus stuff with dcs. My memory is rubbish and I am drawn to try and get all the information down in one place. But it will be massively triggering and would thst be too much. Thinking out loud here.

I didn't manage to have a shower until after 1pm so I went to Tesco instead of the shopping centre. I bought a nice top in the sale.

I see my psychiatrist 3 monthly probably because I still have psychotic symptoms etc.
Also I get support from the community mental health team who email my psychiatrist if necessary. I realise I'm quite lucky.

One thing I don't do though is drink alcohol as it doesn't mix with the anti psychotics. I haven't had a drink since 2012.
I also think that if you're prone to depression it can make the depressive feelings worse.

I printed out some MIND stuff on Paranoia which says that it helps to take regular exercise & eat healthier so I'm trying to do that.

Teralee that's really good to hear you get some better support. And always nice to get a bargain in the sales!

I did end up digging out old notebooks i wrote in during ex's two major crises (and bit in between). It's been surprisingly helpful reading them. Very very sad. But also yes, what a total and utter nightmare it was for me. And with the 2nd one he also took every opportunity to make digs at me/complain about me/lie about me... Even in an assault complaint he made against a member of staff he starts it with "History of depression and marital troubles" which is a lie. Has made me feel some compassion for myself then. And even more appreciation for two amazing friends in particular. I have a neighbour round this evening which is something I never do (scary) but am hopeful it will be nice...

Not really in a good place to write much, but want to wish you all a good Thursday. My only plan is to get through this damn GP's appt, which I don't have high hopes about, and wish I'd cancelled, but hey ho.

Sending good wishes to everyone on the thread

My brain "endlessly working things out" is exactly how I feel at the moment.

I need to -

Order pet and cleaning supplies from Amazon
Meal plan for next week and order
Phone council tax and utilities company
See if printer works
DO LAUNDRY!! (harder for me cause I don't have a washing machine everything has to be done by hand)
Make proper meals
Start my exercise routine
Change cat litter
Tidy up

Seems like so much effort