can't motivate myself to do anything - please give me a nudge

[monkeyonthetable]

I wake up every morning and have zero motivation for anything. There are loads of things I'd like to do or could do but I seem to have an invisible block stopping me from actually doing any of them. I found it hard enough this morning to just have a bath and get dressed. Weirdly, the stuff I most want to do is even harder to get motivated about.

I am managing a walk most days, a bit of cooking, shared with DH and the bare minimum housework. But even the house seems so perpetually grubby from having everyone home all the time, and I don't have energy to clean, only to see it undone within 24 hours.

I feel like I need someone to tell me: do this now. I just can't find the ignition myself.

Anyone feel the same? Or have advice? or fancying telling me what to get started on? I know it seems silly but it is really dragging me down and making me feel deeply self-critical. Slippery slope.

Sooooo hard. My brain is overwhelmed, exploding. How the fuck do u keep going when the future looks so bleak.

@colouringindoors - Just seen your last two posts. How are you this morning?

Sounds like your therapy is pretty gruelling. I don’t have experience of anything like that other than some grief counselling after DM died a few days ago. I don’t know if I went into it too soon but I found it utterly overwhelming. It would knock me out for the whole day afterwards and I’d then feel particularly low for days after.

Maybe your three things today should be treats not tasks - sounds like you need it

colouringindoors - I'm sorry you had a bad night. How are you today? I hope you got some sleep eventually. I have trauma issues from childhood abuse and other issues, and tried EMDR, but it ended up massively destablising me to the point the trauma therapist called it quits and recommended I never try it again. Quite annoyed with myself for not being able to take it, since I hear so many good things about it.

Chartsandgraphs - Welcome!

I ended up having a bad evening. Had to ask DH to hide some things from me, which is ridiculous, and ended up messaging with my therapist (this is a pre-agreed thing, I wasn't just randomly bothering her).

I think a combination of my bad mental health since Christmas, and this ongoing lockdown wfh situation, is starting to take its toll on DH and I a bit. He seems to getting stressed about things now. I'm not helping. I wish I could just... stop being so mad... Current plan with both DH and therapist is to see how I get through this weekend, and on Monday reassess if I need to get back in touch with the GP again, to talk meds. Sigh. (I've been keeping away from her since self-quitting meds and getting myself discharged from the MH team. I'm not really keen to talk to her.)

Anyway. Plans. Kicks up the arse. My three today:

• Bake some bread (dough is already proofing).
• Go out for a walk with DH.
• Write a meal plan and a shopping list for DH.

Also going to try to do some crochet, if I can find a mindless comedy that'll occupy my attention while I'm doing it. That can be my treat if I manage it?

Thanks insane thst sounds like a good plan re mental health and today. i so sympathise re gp, mess, mh team x

Really sorry to hear about your trauma and EMDR experience. My therapist indicated this week that treatment could be very long. I'm currently not too optimistic about recovery. I have so many hard and awful memories from over such a length of time... They're flooding back this week particularly and it's overwhelming. i feel broken.

My son's fnd is worse today, my dd has sprained her ankle and we're due to go and visit family, outdoors obv, with ds in wheelchair... i soooooo just want to stay in bed...

meds not mess!

Hello. Tentatively taking a seat at the back. I’ve been suffering this lack of motivation for many years and although I’ve struggled on with work and other interests I find it completely exhausting.

Working from home during lockdown has been really hard - staying motivated has been very hard.

Anyway I’m glad I found this thread now because I’ve taken two weeks of very precious annual leave to sort my head out and clear the decks a bit and am scared I’ll waste it just trying to get the fire it.

I was wide awake at 4am and ended up getting in the shower before 6am, now flat on the couch with vertigo again, it's been a real Pita the last few weeks, medication only helps to an extent.

Today's wins - one wash load done, second drying load on, kittens cuddled and full litter change, shower for me,

Want to try and do today / tomorrow (being realistic and optimistic)

House 🏘
Clear all floors and mop - set up robot vacuum
Finish off the shortlist of diy - 20 mins tops and order bits as needed
Make lists for next week
Need to change the bedding and maybe run a wash load
Put drying away - it's piled up everywhere (literally it's a 10 minute job but hate doing it, sorting and putting away)

Food related 🍽
Make food. - currently have a pasta bake in the oven and a tray of bacon is currently in as well (for sarnies etc)
Drop off fresh crusty bread and butter to friends house (only 4 doors away)
Tesco delivery between 1-2pm (waiting for bread for sarnies)

Admin 🖨
Open post which has piled up to go thru and action/file / photo as needed
Phone calls x 2 (Sean / Mary)
Send an email which I did the other night and got a phone call about yesterday as emailed the wrong service - it was victim services via the courts and not victim support. Oops.

Self care ❤
Want to do a (vitamin C?) face mask, nose blackheads to sort out with my tool 😜, maybe a hair cut and dye and hand mask to keep moisture in as so dry with all the extra hand washing
Need to do teeth properly and floss

Have phone appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday, it's a routine one, I was due to be seen in February so now a phone appointment, after my speed bump last week I know it's a waste of time as he doesn't listen to patients anyway and even when you are right in the pits of despair, don't bother him, cmht won't let me change to someone else so I'm not looking forward to the call as he doesn't listen in person so absolutely no hope over the phone and just does what I call the cover his ass as in you know to call the team if needed and when you do, they tell you that you have other numbers so use those too (so basically ring someone else, we don't care) Can they call a friend for you (which means that they try and palm care off to the friend). Its a very poor service locally.

My C-ptsd was diagnosed while I was in a rehabilitation centre for my FND (by a consultant psychiatrist on the rehab team) and I know it will be rejected by local psychiatrist on Tuesday as he is part of the reason for some of the ptsd so not looking forward to that. (Sorry that's a bit of a rant)

Sending❤❤❤ to those who need it, sending nudges too (nudge, nudge)

Oops sorry that's a long one, not sorry. 🤔

Sending strength and energies @colouringindoors

@InsaneProbably - hope you are starting to feel a bit safer and glad your DH and therapist are supportive

@Darker lovely to have you join us

I broke my diet last night by eating the Toblerone I bought my Dad for tomorrow
so I've had to buy him some more chocolate.

I had a shower this morning not last night.

But had a nice time at my friends with their 2 lively toddlers.

thanks frogs you sound like you're on a roll - long may it last!

Hi Terralee I "borrowed" a bottle of wine from a neighbour and keep drinking the replacement before I give it to her!

hi darker wishing you a good 2 weeks.

I had a nice time seeing my dad and later my brother and his family. feels weird though when I feel so on the edge of loosing the plot. kids at their dad's tonight though which is great.

Thanks for the welcome.

Felt a bit weird today with it being midsummer and feeling like time is rushing on while we are stuck in Lockdown. Took it easy and did a couple of little jobs rather than attempting anything ambitious.

And I counted catching up with my book which is probably cheating.

sounds like a v good plan and I don't think that's cheating! I'm desperately trying not to think about Midsomer.... Autumn and winter are a nightmare for me.

colouring - I get what you mean about the possibility of recovery. My most optimistic hopes these days are about things just being less bad. You know - more of the good days, and the bad days being less overwhelming, and relapses quicker to recover to from and all that.

Welcome darker. I think reading counts. At least I'm counting in reading, since it's not always easy when you're not feeling great.

That's a long list, Frogs. I hope it's all gone well! (Also, sorry you have one of those psychiatrists...)

Terralee - Spending time with friends and enjoying it is a big win!

I got all my stuff done yesterday, including the comedy and crochet. The day was a bit easier than the previous one, although things got worse towards the evening. Fitbit claims I've only had 3 hours of sleep, but I think it's probably a bit more. Still, awake now.

Plans:

• Basic hygiene tidy-up of kitchen and bathroom, nothing ambitious.
• Cook some butternut squash soup.
• Spend some time on the crosstrainer. Even if it's just ten minutes.

No one else today? I hope it means you're all pleasantly busy.

I've got my stuff done. Still feeling pretty horrible, though. As to "seeing how this weekend goes", I honestly don't know. It's not going well, but not as badly as it could be, so I just don't know. Tempted to wait and see for another week, in case this is still all withdrawals, rather than just me not coping without meds.

Sorry to hear you're still feeling horrible @InsaneProbably. Well done for getting everything done though.
I've managed to do a wash, cook a roast dinner (and eat it!) and clear up afterwards.
Just shared some quality time watching the football with my son (was a draw).

Hi "insane* well done in getting stuff done. Hope you're feeling a bit comfier now.

toffee that all sounds good, v impressed with roast dinner!

I've had a nice day. Unexpectedly. A friend came round and we had a lovely chat in the garden and a hug and it felt Amazing! Feeling a bit weird again now (mainly anxiety I think).

morning ish all

Well the totally predictable crash from yesterday's meeting with friend arrived. I'm having an emotional affair. I keep stopping it and then slipping again. I know I know I know I know I know.

then my ds had a seizure in the bath last night and came close to drowning. not the first time. Wiped us all out.

toffee Thanks. Cooking a whole roast always seems so fiddly and requires more co-ordination than most of my cooking, so well done!

colouring How scary about your DS! No wonder you're exhausted. I hope he's okay today? Glad you managed to have an unexpectedly nice day, although sorry today is going less well. (I'm in no position to judge on the EA; I've been harbouring the most inappropriate - thankfully very unavailable - crush for ages now.)

I didn't end up booking that GP appointment yet. I'll just keep waiting and seeing, I suppose. I've already been out for a long walk, so that's one thing done. Other than that I'm struggling to even think of jobs. The garden desperately needs work, but that feels too overwhelming. I should do some physio and meet my minimum calories, I suppose.

I have put a load of washing in. And done washing up which I hate.

thanks insane. its hard isn't it re appointments, ive been putting off making one with a private psych my therapist has recommended to review my meds. need to just get on with it... My ds is asleep on the sofa so am leaving him to rest...

Well done on the walk. Can you divide up your garden into small chunks eg 1msq and start that way. i know it's overwhwlming. I find for me it is good for my wellbeing.

taking me and kids out for ice cream shortly. So depressed. cant hide it from them any more.

feeling quite "fuck it!" tonight! how much could go wrong?!

now THAT'S what I call a thread killer.

It's not you guys who are all lovely despite having really tough stuff happening. I will just unravel here out of sight of friends and family on social media. Lots of whom are tired.

Hi @colouringindoors sorry to hear about your son's seizure. I've got epilepsy too & have only just found the right dose in the last couple of weeks to be seizure free for now.

I managed to have a shower this morning & went out with my sister.
I have started bingeing on unhealthy food again so I'm starting my diet AGAIN tomorrow. I want to be slimmer before I start work again.

thanks Teralee well done on today.

If i didn't have dcs here honestly I would never get out of bed.

Food can be hard, good luck with the diet.

My ds has Functional Neurological Disorder and for him this includes blackouts. No "fitting" like epilepsy but leave him exhausted. No medication either - or treatment on NHS.