Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

It's been hard to keep my cool here today.

We've had tears over the length of the hamster's claws, he decided they were too long at 8.05pm and was still crying and stressing about not being able to take it to the vet this evening half an hour later.

He's asked about 20 times what the arrangements are for going to see a friend on Sunday. The arrangements are that we will walk round at 2pm, 5 minute walk, he will stay for an hour, play with their dog, then he can walk home any time.

He's asked about 30 times when he is likely to get his new judo belt, will it come by post, will he get it in class, will it be the right colour? Unfortunately I just don't know the answer to this one but that didn't stop him shouting and stressing.

We have talked about, and written in his diary, what is for lunch and dinner for the next week.

We have analysed countless times how many miles are left in the car (electric) and when we should next charge it up. There are 117 miles left and we can charge it any time, day or night, at home in our own driveway. He cried when I couldn't say exactly when I would charge it. Probably late next week, we don't exactly have 100+ miles of driving planned any time soon. I should have just said Tuesday to stop him worrying.

God it's exhausting. He's asleep at last. I feel like I breathe a big sigh of relief every night when he's asleep and I know I will get a break until 7am when he will ping awake and start worrying about the hamster's claws again.

So sorry for your exhausting day noworrieshere.

Some days are hard and some are good I'm finding, so hard to keep calm and carry on but us mums (and dads) seem to find a way every day.

I've finally got over my DD period after 2 days off school, tears and a complete internal breakdown (counsellor suspects HF autism or the old Asperger's) She is incredibly bright, it's the social side she struggles with.

I've learnt a lot since my daughter's counsellor raised it with me last week. The guilt I feel of how I parented her (snap out of these moods! Why don't you want to meet up with your friends, don't be rude....I'm not mummy!) keep playing out in my head Now comes how do we tell her of her counsellor's suspicions? I think she will struggle being labelled as she has struggled for so long to be "normal" but "normal" is boring and she is far from that!

11:30 ish rant over...

Now comes how do we tell her of her counsellor's suspicions?

I wouldn't mention it yet, Realmum, the waiting lists for assessment are usually long so there's no point in her worrying about it for all that time.

Nearer the time, I would just explain that it doesn't mean she has ASD, it's just a test to determine one way or the other - if it's a diagnosis, it can help to get her the support she needs and if it's negative, at least you can rule it out.

Then if she gets a diagnosis they can refer her for some psychoeducation work so she can better understand her diagnosis and what it means for her.

Indispair, have they put in place access arrangements?

Noworries, I know you are seeing a counsellor privately, but if you haven't already, you should visit your GP.

Real, for a few reasons I think you should tell DD. If you go for a NHS assessment whilst there will be a waiting list there may be an initial appointment &/or questionnaires to fill in. Depending on what area you are in and your DD's age sometimes referrals won't be made unless the young person agrees. If DD finds out you knew but didn't tell her she may be angry.

Also, school should really know - you may find more support is forthcoming, and you don't want anyone telling her there. Obviously, if you go privately things will be quicker. Some people find a diagnosis, even if just suspected, helpful because it explains why they struggle. Like Longines, Zoo explained to her DS that an assessment didn't necessarily mean he had ASD, and that he wouldn't be diagnosed if he didn't, when he was worried last year.

We are meeting with DS1's care coordinator later.

Thanks 1hop I think getting the timing right is essential for our daughter. I know she goes into meltdown around certain times of the month (I'm noting these) so I'm conscious of when the news maybe better received by her.

She's a very bright girl so I am hoping she will view the news as a positive one and that although she maybe wired slightly differently to some other girls she can do things that many girls of her age can't, and that is something to be very proud of.

Real I’m sorry I missed this but how old is your daughter? My daughter is 13 and currently awaiting assessment. I’ve laid some groundwork and also she has a friend with a similar diagnosis although very different presentation. I know that there are quite a few young women online who talk about their autism in a positive way and my DD1 has looked at some of this. I can find out the names for you if your daughter is the right age. Sometimes social media can be positive and it’s how they get all their info so it might be a good way to introduce her to the subject?

Thanks Bigbus, that would be very useful.

I'm so glad your daughter has a friend, That must be such a help and a big support for each other.

My daughter is 12 and uses Instagram. She is in to rock music so tends to talk to like minded souls.

Her counsellor sent me a few YouTube videos to see if any might help. I'd really appreciate anything that could guide me in the right direction.

She is having a much better day today, went to school (book day) and had quite a good session with her counsellor after school. We have had a few smiles at home

DD's Counsellor said to talk to her when she is calm and we will get a feeling when the time is right. I'm getting to that point. I would do it tonight but I feel I need/deserve to go out with my mum friends for a well earned glass of wine or two!

Thanks for all your support everyone, I've been so caught up in my own issues that need to catch up on posts here.

1hop, what access arrangements do you mean, for college? I’m really not sure what I should be doing, the school are going to try to get some sessions for her in the next few months to try to get her used to it and I’ve spoken to the college and they do small group welcome sessions which they will invite her to, but that was for the CFS, I guess I should talk to them about the anxiety.

DD got her GCSE maths result yesterday and despite everything she passed so she was really happy but has still spent the last two days crying through nearly every lesson. Plus someone from our local early help group was supposed to see her at school but didn’t turn up which sent her into a bit of a tail spin.

Indispair, it is brilliant DD passed maths, I hope that over the weekend DD can see that it is a big positive and it gives her a confidence boost. How frustrating Early Help didn't turn up.

Access arrangements for the GCSE exams - extra time, rest breaks, separate room, laptop etc. DD will be entitled to some or all of the above, but if the school haven't already sorted it they have left it extremely late for this summer's exams (too late for those you need to apply for) because it needs to be a students normal way of working. See here. You should definitely speak to the college as well though. DD is more likely to settle in college if support is in place from the beginning.

Thanks 1hop, she does have arrangements for the GCSE, extra time, rest breaks and working in a room on her own with a laptop with read write gold on, so hopefully that will all help her.

Hi everyone, sorry I havent been around for a while.
Dd has been physically unwell which has involved a few a&e trips :(
We have made the decision to pull her out of school and send her to a private one. We looked around yesterday and it was perfect. They had read her report and some of the accommodations they suggested without even meeting her yet were spot on, like they totally got her needs. Plus the environment was much smaller so more suited to her sensory needs. We are going to arrange a few taster sessions soon.

I hope everyone is ok.

Anne sorry your dd has been ill, I hope she’s feeling better.

I’m glad you found a good school for your dd, mine goes to a private school and because it’s small they can make concessions for her, there’s a few teachers she really likes and if she feels too overwhelmed with her work she can go to sit at the back of their class, plus the classes are small so again not too overwhelming. The pastoral care is also good.

How much rudeness do you put up with when your kids are feeling anxious?

Ds's anxiety comes across as angry, accusing behaviour and I really hate it. He wanted to do a particular thing on a particular day for his birthday but unfortunately by the time I was able to phone (because I was at work) there wasn't enough space. I told him tonight and he started with "why didn't you phone? You said you would phone, now I will have no birthday party and it's all your fault, why didn't you just phone when you said you would? What were you doing? Why didn't you phone? Everything is ruined" etc etc etc.

I know he's upset, I know he's now in a mad panic because he'll have to think of something else to do, he's already told people what he was planning and now everything will change. He can't cope with change.

I get all that, I do, he takes all his fear and worry out on those he loves and trusts the most.

But I hate it. I hate being shouted at. It makes me really sad. And mad. And makes me want to shout right back which is not helpful.

I told him to go to his room till he was able to stop shouting. He stormed off crying, came out again 5 minutes later and started the exact same shouting at me. So he's back in his room pacing about, I can hear him, I can almost feel the anxiety radiating out through the door. But I can't go in and be yelled at again, I just can't.

DD took her third overdose at the weekend. We are all broken. I just spend the past hour and a half freaking out because I couldn't get hold of her, but turns out she was just asleep. I'd only just got to the point where I didn't freak out every time the phone rang, and now I'm there all over again.

Aww shit chocolate I'm sorry. That is really hard.

I'm sorry for my absence.things are at breaking point here with all three DC struggling in different ways

Chocolate I have not got the words to convey my sympathy or concern for you and you family.what a wretched time for you all

Noworries don't take it my love.we all have to learn to adapt our behaviour as appropriate and we are allowed to be upset and disappointed but need to consider the feelings of others.in your place I would do exactly the same- off to room if shouted at me.rinse and repeat as necessary.its horrid when you are on the recieving end of their wrath.

I say it all the time,but have failed to take my own advice as I raise my DC by myself ,and I've had a MH wobble.so a reminder to us all to be kind to ourselves and remember recharge your own batteries

Zoo It’s good to hear from you, I was thinking about you and hoping things were ok. I’m sorry things have been difficult. It’s so overwhelming sometimes and hard to find time to be kind to ourselves when there is so much going on around us. I hope you are feeling better now.

bigbus thanks lovely.tbh it's ongoing,and probably will be for a while.we have GCSE approaching for dd2 and D's is at beginning attempts return to education which he's finding beyond stressful and that is trickling down effect on everyone else....

Hey guys,just checking in to see how everyone's doing
Toughest week news wise for us all dd2 does not like unpredictable and is verge a breakdown.ds has taken to heart my words of not worried for them DC are mild sufferers statistically,which is good as he's cracking over attending outreach 3x a week for a lesson at a time.hes so overwhelmed with it teach assistant transports him says it's like watch someone being tortured..
In positive news we have as a family been putting together a food bank drop.for lent we had planned a few bits a week but given change of the world we have battled many shops to get most of what food bank here has on list,plus few luxuries(hot choc,juice,nice biscuits etc) it's really helped draw focus away from ourselves
I'm planning learn to crochet today and if easy enough teach them and we can make squares for blankets too

DD1 is not coping very well with the Corona Virus thing. It’s the uncertainty. She’s also taken on a bit much drama and dancing but won’t relinquish any of it and is consequently being a nightmare. We were offered psychology by CAMHS but she’s refusing to go and tbh the psychologist doesn’t sound like a good fit for DD1 anyway - she’s quite soft. We had been having a good run but things are pretty stressful at the moment. We always go on the same holiday every Easter in the UK and she’s refusing to go. Of course she’ll have to but I have no idea how to make her!

I hope things are ok with everyone else. I’m a bit weary of it all

We had a lovely day outdoors today volunteering with a local group to clear up a cycle path. No news, no anxiety. We all needed that.

But apart from today it's tough. DS has his birthday in a couple of weeks but we can't plan anything for him. Can't even say for sure that his grandparents will be able to come out for lunch.

He's finding all the unknowns around potential school closures really unsettling.
My work have closed our office so I'll be working from home for the foreseeable, an afternoon tea club I volunteer at for old folks has been cancelled. So I'll be at home more and am hoping that will maybe bring some calm to counteract all the uneasiness.

We're looking at all the good news stories about air quality and trying to focus his mind on that.

Bumpier than usual times ahead for sure, but this afternoon we're calm so I'm counting that as a win.

Deffo a win no worries and fresh air and volunteering are both great mental health builders.well done you!!dd2 16th birthday is 13th april.no big plans going to happen for her now either

Bigbus good to hear from you.sounds like things at yours are ticking along much like the rest of us- weird watching normally calm households experience levels of anxiety that for us would be very mild.getting the right fit is very important.i need speak camhs today.dd2 has been a wreck since the anxiety group therapy.masking she's ok for 2 hrs in a room of strangers when in absolutely dreadful state inside has taken a serious toll.shes been v down,exhausted, irritable,and unable focus on top very high anxiety levels.as the world's changed dramatically this week if expect some of this,but she's already stressing for this week's class on Thursday...
After be off since Tuesday unable to cope she knows today's make or break.if I can't get her in today I don't believe she will ever go back.her sense logic and capacity push herself much better than D's so I'm hoping if we walk together and plan when she's going to use time out/visit head learning she will give it her best shot

Managed to get DD1 in to school this morning despite her being adamant she wouldn’t go but she had an awful day because they literally won’t shut up about the Coronavirus. It’s the uncertainty she hates. Just heard her year is closed at school from tomorrow due to staff shortage (DD2 in year below still has to go!) so having some certainty has helped. It’s really going to be a long haul with her at home for months! I’m worried it will be a real struggle to get her back when schools do go back, after all the effort of keeping her in school this past 18 months!

I’m so sorry for everyone who has difficulties at the moment, Coronavirus is really not helping is it, DD is very worried about whether GCSE’s are going to take place as she is in year 11, all sorts of rumours are going round at her school. Additionally CAMH’s have cancelled the group therapy and Early help has said they won’t be visiting schools or home for the foreseeable future so her appointment for that has been cancelled.

All this means that I’m not sure what to do, DD has finally talked to me about some of how she is feeling (well she wrote me a letter), she said she was really sad and depressed all the time and she feel she needs further help, this is a huge step for DD as she finds talking extremely difficult, I’m going to phone CAMH’s tomorrow but with the strain on NHS resources at the moment I’m not sure how much help will be available, any ideas?

indispair my local camhs doing no face to face apps but telephone calls.dd2 will get Support thru that instead of anxiety group for now at least

We are self isolating as youngest has raging sore throat, new cough and painful chest.dd2 now has the throat and sore chest.lack routines and not be able get out and walk a lot is not creating a fun environment
I've discovered u.s zoos have live stream of various animals whilst closed and museums around world have virtual tours.something to think about if anyone else stuck in and DC climbing the walls!