Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

Hi everyone
Having a bit of a nightmare. We changed classes and dd did so well, going into school for 2.5 days. Now she is exhausted and overwhelmed. Worried about lessons, coronavirus and melting down. I think we prob need to look at changing schools.

We dont have an ehcp and I dont think we can wait for the process to go through at her current school. We kept her off today but I dobt think she will be able to go tomorrow. Not sure how we deal with this. DH and I cant keep taking time off to be with her.

Indispair, sorry to hear DD is struggling. How much can DD cope with? Others do NCS, work experience, jobs for you/neighbours/friends, learn a new skill spend way too much time in front of one screen or another. But I'm not sure how they would work with CFS or your DD's anxiety.

Anne, I'm sorry changing classes hasn't worked. I would caution against moving schools without an EHCP. You risk the move failing, 2 failed placements close together would be devastating for DD's MH. A new school is unlikely to be able to provide the high level of support DD needs from the start, and from what you have said I think DD is unlikely to be able to integrate into a new school.

I'm glad DDs enjoyed Six, Zoo, DS3 loved it when we saw it. We saw the Prince of Egypt. We have seen a few, DD2 and DS3 like going.

Anne I'm inclined to agree with onehop that moving schools won't be any better/easier at present
Dispairno useful ideas for D's.sorrt things are proving to be so difficult.how is she feeling about the exams looming?my dd2 had round two mocks rising and tension eminating from her all but crackles..

DS had outreach visit.i cleared off to 25 mins and he played chess with tutor.was very miserable/clingy/stressed after and continues to be as it's seemed best tries two sessions next week.art and music on Thursday afternoon,English Friday morning.hes terrified
How much is too much?I'm worried speed things are moving is proving utterly overwhelming..

Hi. Please can I join your chat?

I have a 14 yr old with anxiety. He's having his first appointment with a CBT counsellor next week.

His anxiety is around knowing when things will happen, lots of anxiety about what, where and when he will eat.

I am struggling with my reactions to him really, because when he is anxious he becomes quite shouty and aggressive.

Sunday morning he got out of bed and asked straight away what was for lunch. Monday I got home from work and straight away started cooking the dinner. He came out of his room, hadn't even said hello before he asked me what was for dinner the following day while I was in the midst of cooking that night's dinner.

I appreciate I could hugely mitigate his anxiety by writing out a list of food for the coming week along with times of meals, writing down everything we are going to be doing that coming week. But I find it hard to be that rigid when there are 5 of us coming and going at different times. He asked where we might go on holiday next easter (Easter 2021) and if there would be enough snow to ski in Scotland and if we could go to a particular hotel (in 2021) in Aviemore that he loves. Then got quite upset when we could not predict if there would be enough snow in April 2021.

I am not a worrier at all, I am the complete opposite. I make things up as I go along, I'm not very good at food planning, dh often works away at short notice so there's no point planning ahead about who's going to drive him to xyz because as often as not I will have to change the plan last minute anyway.

I feel like I haven't quite accepted the fact that he has an illness he can't help, I still haven't quite shaken my feelings of resentment(?) that I am having to make changes to how I live and think to accommodate him. I realise how awful and selfish that sounds and I will get over it, but I'm not quite there yet.

I get so frustrated, I just want to yell "I don't know who will take you to football next Tuesday, I don't know if dad will be home, I don't know if grandpa might be free to take you. I don't know where your brothers will be and what they will need. I don't know what's for dinner on Wednesday, it's only Friday. I have 5 dinners and 3 lunches to get through before then. Please stop harassing me"

I've just bought some lovely brie from the shop, and nice crusty bread, so that's for lunch today. But this morning when he asked me at 6.45am I said the first thing that came into my head which was beans on toast. So he'll not be happy with the lovely brie and cranberry and crusty bread that looked so nice in the shop. There can't be any spontaneity.

But he can't help being like this, can he? Honestly, there is a part of me still thinks he's doing it just to piss me off or get a reaction. I need to get over that.

Reading through your thread you guys all sound so amazingly patient and understanding. I need a good kick up the bum to sort myself out so I can help him sort himself out.

I'm going to buy him a big a4 diary and we can sit together on Sunday evening and fill in what we know about the week ahead, then the evening before about the coming day.

That will be a good start, for me and him.

Oh that was a massive first message, I'm sorry

Noworrieswelcome
Please don't fret over long posts,some days we have lots to say,others less.but we all need to be heard sometimes,and this little group are all great listeners!

Anxiety is a horrible things and the need for control is all encompassing in an attempt to stem more anxiety feelings,if you see what I mean.

Change of plans would certainly be enough to set off my anxious bunnies,change of meals wouldn't be enough push mine over the edge,except D's who being tested ASD
They all like to know what's to eat,not sure that's anxiety or just basic greed as we hit teen years!!

A diary for his thoughts is a brilliant idea

Thinking night before about next days meals might work as a plan going forward,telling him in the morning means things less likely to change,but only if this will work for YOU.dont commit yourself to something that will add to your stress
More stressed you are,more he will pick up on it and be stressed

As a family of 5,what are the rest of household like?I ask as family dynamics can play a part-
I have 3 still at home,dd2 16 in April,D's 14 and youngest 12.dd2 and D's both have anxiety that can set each other off,youngest isn't sympathic to their struggles and that causes friction

Family dynamics definitely add to the tension. We've got 3 boys age 14, 13 and 9.
DS tends to shout when he's anxious and his behaviour is very dramatic. Lots of tantrummy foot stamping and whatnot. His youngest brother sees this behaviour getting attention and copies it.

There is just a lot of tension all the time, either ds is getting upset about something or we're tense waiting for him to get upset about something. I try so hard to stay calm when he's shouting but I don't always manage.

There is also lots of coming and going that makes him anxious. But I can't help that. People have different activities, come in and out at different times, DH works away from home at quite short notice. It doesn't help a kid with anxiety, but there's not much I can do about that.

I find it hard to relate to what's going on in his brain. DH finds it even harder. I have been reading a lot but DH is still in denial and thinks he just needs a good night's sleep.

I can see he's upset and I feel sad for him and want to make him happy. But I can't relate at all to why he is getting in such a state about needing to know how many mushrooms I am going to put in the stir fry. He needs to follow an exact recipe to the letter. I don't know how many mushrooms I'm going to use until I see how full the pan looks. I can't understand it at all.

Can anyone recommend any good reading? I read a book by a woman called Bella ? called Jog On about how running helped her anxiety. She wrote a good description of how her thoughts spiral down an uncontrollable path. That was interesting, gave me a tiny idea of what out might be like.

I'm starting a group at camhs soon which my target for is managing tensions between anxious famiky members.i will deffo be bringing all I learn here to share

Welcome Noworries. Don't worry about long posts. It is exhausting caring for a child with MH problems.

There's 5 of us here most of the time, 6 when DD2 is home from university. We have a structured week, it has to be that way otherwise it would be chaos. I find DS' benefit from it being this way, even NT DS2. Not knowing what is going to happen and when would raise DS1&3's anxiety, DD2 also likes to know as well. Worrying about a possible lack of snow and the mushrooms would be things DS3 would do.

A diary is a brilliant idea. We have a whiteboard in the kitchen which has everything for the week on - appointments, meals, clubs, extras for school etc. There are times things have to change for emergencies, and that does cause stress. But not knowing anything in the first place is much harder for DS1&3.

Re books. I have done a lot of reading, I think the trick is to take what will work for you and don't get hung up on the bits that won't - the ones that I have read which may be relevant to you are:
The out of sync child - there's also a follow up one about teens.
The explosive child.
Helping your anxious child a step by step guide.
Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight.
Coping with an anxious or depressed child.
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. - there's a teen book too.
Helping child with fear - also ones for children who are anxious and obsessional, and who bottle up their feelings.
So young, so sad, so listen.

On a different note I'm currently reading "The reason I jump" because DS3 wants to read it and I wanted to read it first.

I quite like some of the Mind-Ed resources and ACAMH guides too, and I dip in and out of some journal articles that DS1's psychiatrist first mentioned.

Thanks for all those reading suggestions.

I'd like to read more by people with anxiety, I really wish I could understand what's going on in his head. That's what I find difficult.

I don't understand why he is worrying about who will take his brother to his sports training, I honestly don't. It's a 10 minute journey for either me or his dad or another parent will swing by and collect him, why does it matter to anxious son?

I could drive myself mad trying to understand it, I just have to accept that's how it is really, don't I?

Sorry I misunderstood the type of books you are after Noworries. "Remember this when you're sad" and "Reasons to stay alive" might fit the bill? I haven't read either, but both have been recommended.

I imagine your DS1's anxiety stems from not knowing what is going to happen, when and by whom. The unknown can be scary. In his mind it may be that he sees it as directly related to him because he needs to know who will be around, when you'll be leaving etc. Can DS articulate why he finds it difficult - either verbally or in writing?

I imagine your DS1's anxiety stems from not knowing what is going to happen, when and by whom

I think "Well, either dad will be gone for 10 minutes or I will be gone for 10 minutes or neither of us will be gone for 10 minutes, either way the impact on you is minimal, you will probably be on your Xbox and won't even notice so why are you getting upset?"

But I have to stop this way of thinking, it doesn't help anyone. He thinks what he thinks and it upsets him and that's what I need to focus on.

He's going for his first session with a CBT therapist on Wednesday, maybe I'll learn some tips on reprogramming my own thought processes too.

Hi everyone and welcome Noworries , it truly is exhausting looking after an anxious child and I admit I do struggle to understand sometimes with some of the things DD struggles with. I look at other children enjoying all sorts of things and I'm always sad DD can't be like that, but I've had this feeling all along with the CFS as well. DD's high anxiety is quite new (at least the anxiety that is leading to self harm), so I'm still trying to pick up all sorts of tips to cope.

Anne , I know what you mean about taking the time off, I've had quite a bit of time off work recently, between the school calling to say DD has had another melt down and I need to pick her up and all the various appointments we've had to go to (for both anxiety and CFS), work are understanding at the moment but I wonder how long this will go on for, I've desperately tried to keep up my hours which has meant working at home a few times at 4.00am, this doesn't help my health but I feel I have to do it otherwise I am going to let either DD or work down.

Sometimes I feel it is one step forward and one step back, DD has had a letter through from CAMH's this week about some group therapy for managing emotions, it's a four week course (although she doesn't do well in groups, she's too shy/quiet) but she is now refusing to go to the school counsellor, she says she's too old (!!) and just doesn't really understand, plus I don't think she wants to talk to someone from school. I've offered to look for an external counsellor but she has said no for now.

Until I had DC with additional needs I was like you, Noworries. Now everything needs to be meticulously planned. It would be lovely to be spontaneous.

I hope the CBT therapist is helpful.

Indispair, I often feel sad that DS1 misses out and that we often split up to do things separately. The one thing I hold onto is that it doesn't bother DS. I am sorry to hear DD doesn't want to carry on with counselling.

Hi. Can I join please. My 14 year old dd has low self esteem, social anxiety, tics etc and has barely been in school lately. Initial assessments frim cahms seen to be blaming me for taking my eyes off the ball ill husband and younger dds. Allocated therapist seems more supportive but I still feel like I failed as dd not attending school. Pushing for education on medical grounds but it is a struggle.
Any tips appreciated

northernsoulgirlwelcome
How long has she been out of school/not attending regularly?

Problem started end Oct last year but gas escalated since Christmas.

Welcome Northern.

The LA have a statutory duty to provide education for pupils medically unfit for school. See here. It may be online, home tuition, at hospital or a small unit. Usually LA's request consultant evidence or at least a CAMHS referral submitted if the evidence is from the GP.

Write to your LA's Director of Children's Services complaining that they are in breach of their statutory duty and threatening judicial review. Usually the threat of JR makes the LA pull their finger out. SOSSEN's guide to JR is here.

Alongside the above, also apply for an EHCNA. The legal threshold for assessment is has or may have SEN, and may need SEN provision via an EHCP. If DD isn't attending school full time she meets that test. If the LA refuse to assess, appeal. Lots of LA refuse in the hope you don't appeal, and concede before tribunal when they see you aren't going to give in. IPSEA have a model letter you can use. here.

Are school providing support?

Have you had a carer's assessment?

Thank you. I do suspect she has some autistic traits and is under the neuro team at CAMHS.
School want a letter from CAMHS or GP to say she is medically unfit. Nothing I have provided so far is even acceptable to authorise the absence which I know is wrong too. So we still have threat of fines hanging over our head. I can see this is going one of two ways. Us getting education on medical grounds or going down early help route.
Thank you for the advice.
I have joined and carers organisation but not been to any sessions yet.

I think their argument so far is that she isn't medically unft for school as we haven't provided the right evidence. Hope I can get right evidence at her meeting at CAMHS on Friday or before.

School have offered some adjustments but thst only works if I can get her in school.

You can get LA medical tuition and go down the early help route. It doesn't have to be one or the other, even if that is what your LA are telling you. Yes, you need evidence DD is medically unfit. Is the evidence you have provided so far explicit or ambiguous? The responsibility ultimately lies with the LA, so complain to the Director of Children's Services.

It doesn't sound like you've had a carer's assessment from social care, you can ask for one. Under the Children and Families Act 2014 you are entitled to a carer's assessment because you care DD, and under section 10 of the Care Act 2014 because you care for your DH. Model letters here and here.

You can also ask for an assessment for DD from the disabled children's team under section 17 of the Children's Act 1989.

If the school provided more adjustments you may find it easier to get DD there.

I was so relieved to see this thread!

You try and be so strong and supportive for your anxious child and some days it just gets on top of you, it's a bad day today.

Sent my very anxious/nervous DD to school when she really didn't want to go, she has to speak in her Spanish lesson today and it fills her with horror. She is also very lonely, when her 2 friends are off she can't cope and panics. Saying all that she is the most beautiful, organised and smart girl I know, she finds compliments hard to take but we find ways to.

She sees a counsellor once a week, counsellor suspects DD has aspergers, so researching as much as I can here to support her when we find out more.

Right, chin up and carry on

Thank you. I am a bit reluctant to go down early help route but will if it will help.
I think I will book a GP appointment for myself and look at some of the links too as feeling overwhelmed right now.
So glad I found this thread too. Caring for an anxious child can be so lonely.

We have a CAMHS report showing the diagnosis and a letter from GP too. That isn't enough to code absense as authorised even though it mentions extremely high anxiety and very low self esteem.
I accept we need somethong more explicit and I will go about getting it.
Well done on getting your dd into school real although it must have been hard seeing her struggling.