Help. Please.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I dont know where to post this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.

In June I started hearing a voice. A woman's voice. She is nasty, derogatory, she puts me down and tells me all sorts about what people really think of me.

I know, logically speaking, that this voice is in my head. But it's real. It's there.

It got so bad that I ended up suicidal.
My antidepressants were increased (citalopram, I'm now on 40mg a day)
And I was referred for counselling.

I started to feel stronger
I was able to ignore what the voice was saying, I felt I could tell her to shut up.

But now it's like she's got stronger. And is coming out fighting.

I'm so fed up of this. But I'm struggling with so much at the minute I'm in a job I enjoy, but my manager hates me and is looking for any reason at all to fire me, my room leader and I used to be close but since my breakdown she's been different. Andy other colleagues don't like me much either.

Now, I get it, I'm autistic, so I'm a bit odd. But I didn't think I was that bad. I'm literally always on the outside.

And then I'm sure my partner of 12 years isn't in love with me and is having an emotional affair with another woman, but he claims this woman is a lesbian and I have absolutely no proof other than I don't like it.
My mum tells me I'm paranoid, that this is all in my head. That he loves me and that I'm reading more into the work situation than is actually there.
But I'm not. I know I'm not.

And this voice is constantly there, telling me how awful I am.

And I just want it to stop.
But I feel I can't tell anyone in real life about the voice because she says they won't believe me.
She says you lot will think I'm attention seeking. I'm sat in tears trying to tell her to go away (in my head... I'm not talking out loud, but I am arguing with her)

I'm desperate for help. But I'm so scared.

My care coordinator is an angel! She's absolutely fantastic.

I'm spiralling. I feel out of control.
I saw my GP today who has given me a fit note for one more week but then he said he won't give me any ore because I've not made an attempt to end my life and it's about time I started to look into going back into the workplace.

I'm devastated. I'm not coping. My care coordinator has put a CAF in place for the kids, my mum is having to message and phone to ensure I'm doing basic things like brushing my teeth and getting a wash.
I hear this voice all the time. It never goes.away and I don't know how I'd cope in work.

And I feel like I'm not.doing enough to get better. He must be right. He's a doctor. I should probably be doing more to help myself but I don't know what.

Sorry to hear that your GP has said these unhelpful and unkind things today. I think you need to get your care Co involved cos your GP is talking shit. They may be able to speak with your GP and discuss concerns about you returning to work at present and the impact this would have on your mental health.

I phoned the crisis team. They helped. I was on the verge of taking all my tablets, and I'm on 23 a day, so there's a lot of tablets.
They talked me down.

My care coordinator is coming tomorrow and we're going to sort a plan.

Your gp isn’t right.
What did he suggest you can do to feel better and therefore be fit for work- my guess is nothing. He won’t make a suggestion because you can’t magically fix it.
Glad you reached out, but right now you need to add his voice to the ones you ignore. Give the sensible people more power- you know your care co-ord is right. She gets it. Try to choose her voice.
Keep taking, keep doing. The world is a better place with you here.

Oh HerRoyal, I've just RTFT and my heart broke for you when I read what the GP said. You are trying, so hard. Think of your care coordinator. She knows you. The GP only gets to see you for 10 minutes (max). He may be correct if things were going well, but they're not, so he's not. He doesn't get it. He's like a robot that hasn't received all the information correctly.

You're partner has left you out of the blue when you've three small children. That's hard to deal with at any time. Never mind when you're ill.

You've got a really difficult hand right now, but you're still playing it well. x

I phoned today and a different surgery has taken over my GPs surgery.
They've arranged for me to see a different doctor tomorrow.

Different GP signed me off for 4 weeks and told me to see him again instead of the regular GP.
He's also referred me for an x-ray as he thinks I've developed arthritis in my left hip. I'm 28.

Anyway.
I'm meant to be finding things to do which I enjoy and can distract myself with.

Colouring makes me want to give myself paper cuts.
I can't concentrate on reading
I used to knit but now I just want to jam a knitting needle through my thigh.
I've done my nails tonight. First attempt at gel extensions.
They're annoying me already.
I don't know what to do.
I'm worried if I do nothing I'll be told I'm not trying hard enough to get better.

How about making bread? You can knock the hell out of it whilst kneading & that might help??

Start writing a book/short story/journal? You always write well on MN.

Ooh bread is a good idea!
DS2 is coeliac so I'll make him some gluten free bread.

Once (& if) you get into bread making it is really relaxing & becomes very easy. Then you can branch out into pizzas & other stuff!

I have a bread maker which is brilliant for loaves, but I've made DS2 some bread rolls for his lunch this week at school.
He might actually eat them as he's taken to leaving his sandwiches and just eating his fruit

I'm absolutely exhausted now. It took a lot of effort to make the bread, but I'm feeling quite pleased I've done it.

Am so happy to hear that you got some pleasure from the bread making. Little things, small steps.............