I dont know where to post this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.
In June I started hearing a voice. A woman's voice. She is nasty, derogatory, she puts me down and tells me all sorts about what people really think of me.
I know, logically speaking, that this voice is in my head. But it's real. It's there.
It got so bad that I ended up suicidal.
My antidepressants were increased (citalopram, I'm now on 40mg a day)
And I was referred for counselling.
I started to feel stronger
I was able to ignore what the voice was saying, I felt I could tell her to shut up.
But now it's like she's got stronger. And is coming out fighting.
I'm so fed up of this. But I'm struggling with so much at the minute I'm in a job I enjoy, but my manager hates me and is looking for any reason at all to fire me, my room leader and I used to be close but since my breakdown she's been different. Andy other colleagues don't like me much either.
Now, I get it, I'm autistic, so I'm a bit odd. But I didn't think I was that bad. I'm literally always on the outside.
And then I'm sure my partner of 12 years isn't in love with me and is having an emotional affair with another woman, but he claims this woman is a lesbian and I have absolutely no proof other than I don't like it.
My mum tells me I'm paranoid, that this is all in my head. That he loves me and that I'm reading more into the work situation than is actually there.
But I'm not. I know I'm not.
And this voice is constantly there, telling me how awful I am.
And I just want it to stop.
But I feel I can't tell anyone in real life about the voice because she says they won't believe me.
She says you lot will think I'm attention seeking. I'm sat in tears trying to tell her to go away (in my head... I'm not talking out loud, but I am arguing with her)
I'm desperate for help. But I'm so scared.