Help. Please.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I dont know where to post this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.

In June I started hearing a voice. A woman's voice. She is nasty, derogatory, she puts me down and tells me all sorts about what people really think of me.

I know, logically speaking, that this voice is in my head. But it's real. It's there.

It got so bad that I ended up suicidal.
My antidepressants were increased (citalopram, I'm now on 40mg a day)
And I was referred for counselling.

I started to feel stronger
I was able to ignore what the voice was saying, I felt I could tell her to shut up.

But now it's like she's got stronger. And is coming out fighting.

I'm so fed up of this. But I'm struggling with so much at the minute I'm in a job I enjoy, but my manager hates me and is looking for any reason at all to fire me, my room leader and I used to be close but since my breakdown she's been different. Andy other colleagues don't like me much either.

Now, I get it, I'm autistic, so I'm a bit odd. But I didn't think I was that bad. I'm literally always on the outside.

And then I'm sure my partner of 12 years isn't in love with me and is having an emotional affair with another woman, but he claims this woman is a lesbian and I have absolutely no proof other than I don't like it.
My mum tells me I'm paranoid, that this is all in my head. That he loves me and that I'm reading more into the work situation than is actually there.
But I'm not. I know I'm not.

And this voice is constantly there, telling me how awful I am.

And I just want it to stop.
But I feel I can't tell anyone in real life about the voice because she says they won't believe me.
She says you lot will think I'm attention seeking. I'm sat in tears trying to tell her to go away (in my head... I'm not talking out loud, but I am arguing with her)

I'm desperate for help. But I'm so scared.

I have to take DS1 to hospital. It sounds like he's had an absence seizure, so need to get him checked out.
Why do I never get a bloody break?

Oh gosh! Poor lad, has he had them before?
I hope he's seen quickly & you're back home to rest asap.

Nope, never happened before.
It's very very busy. Standing room only in urgent care, but 111 said he has to be seen within the next 6 hours

ECG done, heart rate low, blood sugar normal, just waiting for doctor.

Doctor agrees absence seizure, but wants to speak to her boss first.
No idea what's caused it.

It was definitely a seizure, but it's cause is unknown. Hopefully a one off, but obviously be alert to any others.

On our way home. I'm mentally exhausted, I'm hungry because I haven't eaten all day, I'm filthy because I work with babies and I've not managed to get changed since coming home, and I'm sick to death of fucking gollum.

Gollum is saying it's my fault DS1 is having this seizure. That I made him wrong. (He has mitral and aortic regurgitation, and suffers migraines)

Oh ffs gollum, don't talk such crap - Royal doesn't need you now, or ever, go boil your head!

Sounds like the Dr was switched on but understandably doesn't want to mess up on something so important; it's reassuring that she wants to consult with a more experienced colleague (frustration aside)

I hope you all get fed, cleaned up & a really good night's sleep tonight, you deserve it even more than ever after the day you've had and to hug DS1.

(Have you got tomorrow off work? Make sure you have you-time and don't rush round trying to do more than is feasible, despite the temptation)

There is nothing to be embarrassed at all but Idk whether I could be of a help to you. Maybe you need to find another doctor and change the medicine?

Work is finished for the year! Now I get to spend the next two weeks at home with my family.
Going shopping tomorrow for the last of the Christmas bits (veg) with my mum.

Excellent!

Oh my goodness! Everywhere is so busy today!
Just been and picked up my sprouts etc for Christmas dinner. I'm doing it this year instead of my mum!

Can't wait to get home and into the warm though.

I'm so bloody cold today!

Had a phone call this morning from the mental health team.
It wasn't very useful as they didn't know where to refer me

Hey your Majesty, how are you now?
I hope Christmas hasn't worn you out too much & that your cooking & caring was appreciated.
And I hope you are warmer now, too!

I'm ok.

Mental health team have phoned back. Their referring me to specialists who deal with voices.

Got an appointment with GP for Monday.

I slept last night!
For the first time in god knows how long.
I slept 9 and a half hours.

I used the wrong their.

Oh well.

They phoned again.
The specialist psychosis team are coming out to my house on Saturday.

That's good your GP has referred you to MH team. They will do their assessment and look at if they are the best team to support you or if you need to be referred to a different team.
You should definitely be getting some specialist support to monitor your Quetiapine and have some therapeutic involvement too.

Hope Saturday goes okay!

Brilliant progress, absolutely huge steps forward, well done, you're amazing! (Despite your minor their / they're issues )

I have the early intervention team out tomorrow.
I'm nervous and hopeful that they can help, but still don't want to get my hopes up too much because I know how much pressure the services are under

Best wishes for the EIT meeting. Please make sure you get what you need - let someone else worry about how busy they are!

They're having a meeting about me and are going to assign me a care coordinator. I'll hear off them within the next week.

Care coordinator will stay involved for at least a year and will make sure I get all the right support.

That sounds good to me - how do you feel?
And how are you doing with your meds now?

So glad to hear you are getting support! Some EITs stay involved for up to three years and then refer onto CMHT if longer support is needed. Hope you start feeling a bit better soon

monster yeah, they said at least a year and possibly up to three years.

I'm ok. I feel really low right now, but they said that might happen, I might start to feel worse because my defences have been down.
Meds still don't seem to be helping. I'm going back to the GP on Monday.

Are they not taking over the review and management of your medications? You can always ask to see the consultant psychiatrist who works for the team although it is early days with the medications and it can take time to find the right one and dosage for each person.

But, it is also important they start doing some psychological work with you which should happen when you get your care coordinator sorted. EITs have really tight deadlines for things like allocation and accepting people to the team.

Have they given you details of out of hours support and what to do if you were feeling actively suicidal as it's important to have a bit of a crisis plan in place which should be individualised to you.

This may sound bizarre but have you tried saying to Gollum I will give you half an hour to spout your crap then I'm ignoring you until tomorrow.