Help. Please.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I dont know where to post this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.

In June I started hearing a voice. A woman's voice. She is nasty, derogatory, she puts me down and tells me all sorts about what people really think of me.

I know, logically speaking, that this voice is in my head. But it's real. It's there.

It got so bad that I ended up suicidal.
My antidepressants were increased (citalopram, I'm now on 40mg a day)
And I was referred for counselling.

I started to feel stronger
I was able to ignore what the voice was saying, I felt I could tell her to shut up.

But now it's like she's got stronger. And is coming out fighting.

I'm so fed up of this. But I'm struggling with so much at the minute I'm in a job I enjoy, but my manager hates me and is looking for any reason at all to fire me, my room leader and I used to be close but since my breakdown she's been different. Andy other colleagues don't like me much either.

Now, I get it, I'm autistic, so I'm a bit odd. But I didn't think I was that bad. I'm literally always on the outside.

And then I'm sure my partner of 12 years isn't in love with me and is having an emotional affair with another woman, but he claims this woman is a lesbian and I have absolutely no proof other than I don't like it.
My mum tells me I'm paranoid, that this is all in my head. That he loves me and that I'm reading more into the work situation than is actually there.
But I'm not. I know I'm not.

And this voice is constantly there, telling me how awful I am.

And I just want it to stop.
But I feel I can't tell anyone in real life about the voice because she says they won't believe me.
She says you lot will think I'm attention seeking. I'm sat in tears trying to tell her to go away (in my head... I'm not talking out loud, but I am arguing with her)

I'm desperate for help. But I'm so scared.

And they won't "lock you up" not least because there aren't the bloody beds!

I'm extremely ill at the moment and could probably benefit from inpatient care (housebound, almost bedbound, rarely move, eating once a day, getting max 5 hours sleep per 24 hours...) and even when I begged to be admitted I was refused.

As I said, you're functioning at a certain level so doing better than a lot of others, you have support from dp and mum, are able to access gp normally so you're doing probably quite a bit better than you think.

Which is not to deny that you clearly need help, but it's good to look at what you CAN do too.

In my case I am eating SOMEthing, I'm getting SOME sleep - at times I haven't even managed these! I've been so ill I've been prescribed ensure/fortisip because I'm too anxious to eat solid food (throat tightens and can't swallow). And even that was a struggle.

I think you should be really proud of yourself for making and going to the appointment - that's incredibly brave and capable of you when I know it must have been so hard and so scary.

Doc has put me on antipsychotics. (Quetiapine)

Hopefully they help.
I've to go back Thursday.
I phoned work. My manager didn't sound happy at all.

(I told her what was going on, and told her I'm not feeling strong enough to return tomorrow)

Op, didn't want to read and run. Handhold

Your new medication will help, you'll see, and the nasty voice WILL go away! Screw your manager, this is about YOU and your health right now.

You are getting medical attention, your GP believes you and so do we. The GP is willing to help! When's your next GP appointment?

Next GP appointment is Thursday at 10 past 10.
I've to only take 50mg for the next two nights, then 100mg, then 150mg and we will go from there as I may need a stronger dose or a different antipsychotic altogether.

DP is a SAHD. I work 35 hours over 4 days usually. He has been looking for work desperately for the last few months (weekends and Mondays, so we will be working alternate days) just so we have some more money coming in and I don't stress so much when I am unwell. It also means I might be able to drop another day at work and just do 3 days.
But no luck. Until today when he's been offered 3 (yes 3!) Interviews!
So hopefully that will help too as I won't feel solely responsible for finances, and we will have a bit more disposable income.

My manager really is awful. I work in a nursery and she has never liked me much to be honest, but I always got on with my room leader. But lately the voice has been telling me even she hates me and is disappointed in me.

Hi Royal honey I’m sorry you are so under the weather.

You are ILL, not weak or crazy or fucked up. I’m glad that at least part of you knows you should not be listening it, but it must be so hard to deal with life when you have an intrusive voice like that.

I think you know I’m bi-polar, I’ve been on Quetiapine for years. My “intrusive voice” hits me when I am manic and basically tells me I am
Indestructible and Superwoman and I can survive anything. I almost went swimming in Camden Lock one night at midnight.

My DMum is bi-polar too and she has had voices telling her that the squirrels are talking to her, that the random police car outside her house is there for her, that all the neighbours somehow have listening equipment and are talking about her.

I’m telling you all of this so you know you are not alone, a lot of us have had voices, and they can go away. It has been years and years since I have heard mine. Thank God.

I’m glad your GP listened to you and prescribed something that will help.

When the voice is telling you that you are shit, that your relationship is shit, that your work is shit, please try to remember that it is the ILLNESS talking to you and it is LYING.

Big hugs and

So glad the gp appointment went quite well for you, hope the meds work well for you I've heard good things of quetiapine for this sort of thing.

I was prescribed it myself about a year ago but was reluctant to take as I was not (am still not) getting support from hcps and being housebound with no other contact with people I just didn't feel comfortable taking a new med with nobody monitoring me. BUT in my case I've also had a lot of problems in recent years with starting new meds (not just mh ones all sorts inc antibiotics and painkillers etc too - whole other thread!)

But I've read lots of positive experiences from those on it.

Definitely worth you trying it and good you're seeing gp again in just a few days too.

I'm sorry to read this Fatty, but glad that you can recognise it's a voice in your head. The voice is lying to you. I'm pleased it went well with the GP and hopefully it won't be too long till the meds kick in.
Fingers crossed that DP gets another job and you can worry less about your income

Some great progress today, such good news for you & DP, thank you for updating us.

Sleep well tonight 💐

I'm glad you got some help - well done.

I take 800mg of Quetiapine daily and it's a fantastic drug for me. Totally calms my brain. You have to stick with it though to find the correct dose. It will probably knock you out the first few times you take it though. Hope you feel better soon

It definitely knocked me out. I'm only just up

But at least I slept. I've not slept so good in months.

Sleep really helps glad it's helping you

Tried phoning work.
Wanted to have a proper chat with my manager now.im feeling a bit less vulnerable (I was very raw yesterday when I spoke to her, having just come out of my GP appointment)
And see what she wants me to do about tomorrow (do I go in then nip out for appointment, or just go in after appointment?)
But she's busy and meant to be phoning me back.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Please get help .. don’t take it lightly. I’ll pray for you!

Spoke to manager.
Going in after my appointment tomorrow, so at least I don't have to get up at the arse crack of dawn.

At least you'll then be able to tell them what's what with regards to work, and, don't forget to ask the GP.

That's good you're not having to get up early, hope tomorrow's appointment goes well for you.

Best wishes for today, hope you get some rest whilst you're at home 💐

I've to take 150mg for the next few nights. Review on Monday.

Manager was really nice about it all. Which shocked me. But it wasn't as bad as I was expecting so there's that.

More good news! Very well done for taking that challenging conversation, that's two big steps forward this week, I hope you are genuinely proud of yourself 💕
How are things at home with DP & DC?

Have just read through this entire thread and one thing is for sure and that is that YOU ARE AMAZING! At the start it sounded like you were on the verge of a breakdown, but you took the bull by the horns and spoke out, you asked for help and pushed yourself through, that is something to be very proud of! You will get through this hun, just keep taking steps forward and stay positive! If you start struggling, just remember how far you have come and that will give you strength to carry on! Sending you huge hugs! Xx

You are doing so well OP.
I wish you all the best

You're so strong OP, best wishes

Thank you everyone. I don't feel strong.
I feel like my entire world is falling apart.

Keep going. You sound fabulous for what it's worth. My DD has had a lot of struggles with her mental health and found Quetiapine helpful when she needed it. She is much better at the moment and life is back on track for her but she had a nasty voice in her head too telling her all sorts of shit. One of the things she found helped was to give the voice a name so that when it started up she said "Fuck off Frankie" silently (or occasionally out loud when on her own) .