Help. Please.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I dont know where to post this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.

In June I started hearing a voice. A woman's voice. She is nasty, derogatory, she puts me down and tells me all sorts about what people really think of me.

I know, logically speaking, that this voice is in my head. But it's real. It's there.

It got so bad that I ended up suicidal.
My antidepressants were increased (citalopram, I'm now on 40mg a day)
And I was referred for counselling.

I started to feel stronger
I was able to ignore what the voice was saying, I felt I could tell her to shut up.

But now it's like she's got stronger. And is coming out fighting.

I'm so fed up of this. But I'm struggling with so much at the minute I'm in a job I enjoy, but my manager hates me and is looking for any reason at all to fire me, my room leader and I used to be close but since my breakdown she's been different. Andy other colleagues don't like me much either.

Now, I get it, I'm autistic, so I'm a bit odd. But I didn't think I was that bad. I'm literally always on the outside.

And then I'm sure my partner of 12 years isn't in love with me and is having an emotional affair with another woman, but he claims this woman is a lesbian and I have absolutely no proof other than I don't like it.
My mum tells me I'm paranoid, that this is all in my head. That he loves me and that I'm reading more into the work situation than is actually there.
But I'm not. I know I'm not.

And this voice is constantly there, telling me how awful I am.

And I just want it to stop.
But I feel I can't tell anyone in real life about the voice because she says they won't believe me.
She says you lot will think I'm attention seeking. I'm sat in tears trying to tell her to go away (in my head... I'm not talking out loud, but I am arguing with her)

I'm desperate for help. But I'm so scared.

Are they not taking over the review and management of your medications

I've no idea. They asked who prescribed the quetiapine but that was all.

Muddledupme

I've tried everything.
The EIT people who came out yesterday said I've to force myself to concentrate on things I used to enjoy, such as my knitting, so I'm giving gollum less headspace because sometimes fighting to ignore the voice actually has the opposite effect.

Another Monday night, another night of being extremely stressed about work tomorrow

I don't know how much longer I can even cope with work to be honest.

My manager is trying to push me out, my previously lovely room leader has been completely different since I was off sick, and I've even been told that if I go off sick again they can't guarantee that I will return to baby room. They keep threatening to move my room and telling me I'm doing my file work wrong (which when I check against my colleagues as I can access everyone's work through the system, mine is not wrong at all) that I'm letting everyone down.
I'm just so sick of it.

i bet that voice increases when you are stressed with work.
arent there any union to protect you?
(sorry if any mistake, i havent read the whole thread)

I know it might cause stress and uncertainty in the longer term, but if you are able to take some sick leave (depending on what your company policy is) then it might be good just so you haven't got that added pressure at present. And you can always ask for support from your care coordinator around this too.

Some good apps you could try are headspace and calm. Mindfulness and distraction techniques can be hard but really worth it, everyone is different, some people do well with senses for distraction and grounding (5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste or any combination of the above)

I can't afford sick leave. I would only get SSP, and it just isn't enough to support my family on.

i hope everything goes well today and everyday.

OP I know people here will laugh at me for saying this I don’t care. But I believe the only thing that will help you is daily prayer especially the Rosary and prayer to Michael the Archangel. The voices that you hear - I believe are true and no they’re not just all in your head. I used to have horrible intrusive thoughts that gave me insomnia. I couldn’t do anything to get rid of such thoughts but I persisted with prayer and it helped me. God bless you 🌸

Another thing is try to keep yourself busy and your mind busy with simple things such as baking for your family or tidying and making the home cozy.

oksanna I appreciate that you're trying to be helpful, but I am not religious.
I also work full time, which you'd think would distract me from the voice but it doesn't. I have no intention of praying.

I am truly sorry that you experienced intrusive thoughts and I am glad prayer helped you.

Hey OP, how have you been getting on? Sorry it's only SSP, I don't know how anyone can survive off that it's such a small amount and very unfair.
Did you go back to your GP about your Quetiapine?

I'm on the same dose for now.

I'm struggling with work to be honest. Fighting through the days but it's leaving me exhausted.

I have my care coordinator out in Saturday. 10.30.

Care coordinator was amazing.

She has told me in no uncertain terms that I am going off sick again and that she is going to help me apply for UC and the advance payment, and for PIP which I'm entitled to.

She is referring me to a consultant as she feels the quetiapine and citalopram together is not working and I need a different combination or possibly an increased dose.

She is also phoning work on Monday and is going to read them the riot act as they have seriously let me down and in her words "your mental health problems are too complex for them, so instead of trying to figure it out they're trying to push you out"
She is furious with how they've handled things and has said any further meetings must be official with an actual time and that she will be my advocate

But all in all a very good meeting. She is coming again on Monday afternoon and will update me on what work have said to her.

That's so fantastic to hear you've got a good one who is really supporting you and making sure you know what you are legally entitled to!

Hopefully this eases some of the pressure you have been experiencing and you can focus on your mental wellbeing!

Also great news that the consultant will be reviewing you that's important to find what works for you.

Have you been managing to get any better sleep and have you been getting any more support at home?

Your news has made my day. So pleased you have got such a great person on your side.

Hi, I’ve just read through the thread and you are incredible!
I drown out my head with audiobooks but medication is helping me now after trial and error but I don’t hear voices other then my own, work is being extremely unfair and I wonder if it might be worth speaking with a solicitor about their treatment of you when you feel up to it, it sounds like they’re trying to manipulate you and threaten you to make you quit.
Hope 2020 continues to be good for you, you’re doing so well

I'm still not sleeping well at all.

I don't feel incredible. I feel like a failure.

I am worried that me going off sick is leaving me in a very vulnerable position as far as my job goes. They didn't take too kindly to me being off last time.

Hey Fatty, your care coordinator sounds brilliant! So sorry you have had such a sh#t time, sending you love and strength, oh.... and F#CK OFF GOLLUM !

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!

You have mental health problems and are tackling them & going for help.

That alone is amazing - so many people are unable to do that (& no blame to them).

You have taken the first steps on the long road to getting things right again & they are the hardest steps of all.

Be very proud of yourself .

They can’t sack you because you’re not well so take all the time you need and have a number for a solicitor if you do need to go down the unfair dismissal route.
You’re not a failure at all, you should be proud of yourself!

DP left.
I guess he's XP now.
He just decided he's had enough.
He made arrangements to go to his mum's, had his benefits sorted etc. So he's had this planned and just left.

Oh you poor thing. I've just read your thread, and last post. So sorry to hear about DP. Maybe he just needs a bit of a break and headspace. Can you contact your care co-ordinator ? Sorry not to be more help, my head's not great either. But wanted to say I'm thinking of you and wishing you well - like many others on this thread

I've messaged my care coordinator.
We have an appointment tomorrow anyway, so will speak to her properly then.
I'm just heartbroken for the kids.
They keep bursting into tears asking me why daddy isn't going to live with us anymore and all I can say is I don't know, but we'll be ok.

And you will be ok.
What will be with xp will be.
You will work through it with the kids.
It’s ok not to know- one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

finally got brave and I've applied for PIP. So I've done the first part of the claim, just waiting for the pip2 form.
I've also phoned to get a DLA form sent out for DD.
The woman in the job centre yesterday couldn't believe I wasn't claiming, and was adamant I out the claims in.

Oh well done, that's a real achievement! Was your care co-ordinator helpful?