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Mental health

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Original poster

I want to die

89 replies

Anonmummy111 · 10/10/2019 19:55

I don’t know why I am writing this. I can’t tell anyone in real life because they’ll do something. But I can’t live anymore. I have a plan to make sure my children are out of the house and someone else can collect them from childcare. I just can’t face life anymore, even though I love my children with all that I am I feel that I have fought for so long I don’t have anything left and ultimately I am letting them down, either way.
In my life I have experienced trauma and abuse.
I look like I’m doing ok but I’m not. I look like I’ve achieved a lot but I haven’t. I can’t cope with work anymore, I can’t keep doing everything.
I feel profound guilt all day everyday and a sense of failure in every area of my life. 2 of my children have behavioural issues. I am alone with them, I have lost my friends thanks to domestic abuse.
I have mental health support, I do have people who care but they can never understand. I get told most days what aterrible person I am and I have realised it’s true. All of my problems are my own fault, I think deep down I’m a bad person pretending to be good.
Even the fact that I have decided suicide is the final option for me, the fact that I am able to do that to my children, shows how evil I am.
I used to think suicide was so selfish, but now I see that sometimes the pain and exhaustion of living is too much.
And if anyone who knows me reads this, I’m sorry for confirming everything you ever thought I was.

OP posts:

Bacardi101 · 10/10/2019 19:58

Please OP stop and think your children need their mum even if you think they don’t they do. Please call someone anyone the Smaritans I’ll post the number in just a second. You are not evil you are not a bad person the people who are telling you this are not you. Please don’t do anything like this your children need their mummy handhold hugs the full works just stop please and call someone x

UnWilly · 10/10/2019 19:59

Link to Samaritans

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Bacardi101 · 10/10/2019 20:00

116123 is the number for the Samaritans

Original poster

Anonmummy111 · 10/10/2019 20:01

There are other people who love them who would give them those things x

OP posts:

AlwaysDancing1234 · 10/10/2019 20:02

Please please reach out to someone in real life. I see the above posted linked to the Samaritans please speak to them if you’ve no one else. Think of your children. Your life is worth something and you are not a bad person.

TheoriginalLEM · 10/10/2019 20:04

Talk to the Samaritans they will listen to you. What has made you feel like this today?

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 20:04

As a child who lost a parent (though not through suicide) please don't do this. They need you, whether you think so or not.

MNHQ

LouMumsnet · 10/10/2019 20:07

Hello OP, we're really so very sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well - in this case, we think it would be wise for you to seek help asap because you're feeling so low.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Notthebradybunch · 10/10/2019 20:09

Please call the Samaritans 116 123, it doesn't have to be this way for you OP, please call

Original poster

Anonmummy111 · 10/10/2019 20:09

@TheoriginalLEM I have felt like this for a long time, each day it seems to be getting harder and I seem to be more and more alone. There is no escape and no solution to the constant criticisms. Both external and internal. I don’t have the energy left.
@AlwaysDancing1234 I wish I could feel that way, I have tried so hard to see the good things, but now the cloud blocks all light. The treacle in my veins, the eyes of others... it’s too much to bear
@Ginger1982 I am so sorry, so sorry 😭 I know this isn’t fair, I know they will never forgive me, I know it’s not ok, but I cannot face failing at anything else. Even knowing the terrible effect it will have just doesn’t seem enough

OP posts:

Bacardi101 · 10/10/2019 20:10

OP no one no matter how nice they are can replace a child’s mother no matter what you think. Reach out like you have on here in RL your life is worth more than this. I can see from your post you have been through a lot and you’ve still kept on going you are stronger than you think just don’t give up on yourself or your children x

Lighteninginabottle27 · 10/10/2019 20:12

My mum lost her Mum to suicide and she has never come to terms with it. It has devastating consequences. Equally you have a right not to feel.so.exhausted and worn down by how you feel.

You say someone will be able to collect your children from child care but they will be anticipating coming home to mummy, to the comfort and reassurances you bring to them even on the days you don't think anything positive can happen. To them you are their world. Who will tell them? How do you anticipate will they react?

Can you think of anything that has been good or nice today? Have you had a nice cup of tea? Watched a bird in the garden? There is something good in every day, even the worst of days.

PlasticPatty · 10/10/2019 20:14

@Anonmummy111 - they need you, darling. Not anyone else, they need you.
What can I tell you? I was depressed for over 20 years - I came to believe that it didn't matter what happened to me because I was dead already. I 'saw ropes', had a constant urge to put an end to my life.
I had talking therapies and learned mindfulness.
I'm here. I'm not depressed. I'm happy. I can't do everything I might want, I'm still far from perfect, but I'm here and it's good.
Please stay.
Please get help.
I'd like you to feel as good as I do. I know it can happen. It happened to me.

pinksparkleunicorns · 10/10/2019 20:19

OP please ring the helplines posted above.

I have been suicidal before because I felt like such a failure. I tried to imagine it was my friend telling me she had said what I'd said and done what I'd done in life. Would I recommend suicide to her? No I would beg her not to and try to explain that no one is perfect, but you can point out good and wonderful things about each person. OP you are a good an amazing person. Please try to believe that xx

ClaudiaSchiffersUglySister · 10/10/2019 20:19

Ring your GP for emergency appointment first thing tomorrow morning. Get them to sign you off sick if you can’t cope with work. They can refer you to mental health services, and you can also refer yourself to IAPT. It might be worth trying an antidepressant.

You need help so please go and find it. Your kids need you, and you cannot be replaced. Good luck, and hugs.

ClaudiaSchiffersUglySister · 10/10/2019 20:21

www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/iapt/

june2007 · 10/10/2019 20:33

Contact semaritans. You are worth more to your children alive then dead. Imagine what that could do to them. You neeed some counselling to help you sort out your depression and to see a silver lining.

Namenic · 10/10/2019 20:36

Talk to Samaritans. Talk to your mental health worker or crisis team. If you need to, go to a&e. Your children need you. You are doing a job no one else could do.

sockittome123 · 10/10/2019 20:39

OP, in my experience, not a single person who's resisted the urge to commit suicide has ever regretted it. Please be one of these people - the world is a far better place with you in it, especially for your kids.

Loveacuppa · 10/10/2019 20:40

Sharing these feelings must have been difficult for you, and it shows real strength to open up to people. Please do call the Samaritans, or text Shout on 85258 where there are people who will help you in this time of crisis.

RumbleMum · 10/10/2019 20:42

Please talk to the Samaritans OP. They will listen (and we will here too).

Do you have an abusive partner? Who is telling you you're a terrible person? You're important; you're not a failure.

Take each minute at a time at the moment, and know there are people listening

stoplickingthetelly · 10/10/2019 20:43

I don’t know where you OP, but if by any chance you happen to be in West Lancs this might help. Please, please seek help. No one will be better off without you. Your family need you.
www.wlcvs.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/WL-MH-and-WB-info.pdf

Lemonysherbet · 10/10/2019 20:43

Hey op,

I know it's hard, so very hard but please if you can do one thing today, please reach out to someone in real life and tell them you're not doing ok. Someone you know or someone you don't know.

Sending you all the strength to do this, you will never regret it

suspended · 10/10/2019 20:43

Hi Op,

I'm so so sorry that you are feeling like this.

I wonder if you feel up to doing a couple of things?

sleep on it
go and speak to someone in real life tomorrow.

All the best xx

Sleepyhead19 · 10/10/2019 20:46

Please call Samaritans. Talk things through. They are good people and don’t judge. Many have been there themselves. They can help you.
Please don’t let your kids grow up without you. They need you. You cannot be replaced, even by others who love them.

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