I don’t know why I am writing this. I can’t tell anyone in real life because they’ll do something. But I can’t live anymore. I have a plan to make sure my children are out of the house and someone else can collect them from childcare. I just can’t face life anymore, even though I love my children with all that I am I feel that I have fought for so long I don’t have anything left and ultimately I am letting them down, either way.
In my life I have experienced trauma and abuse.
I look like I’m doing ok but I’m not. I look like I’ve achieved a lot but I haven’t. I can’t cope with work anymore, I can’t keep doing everything.
I feel profound guilt all day everyday and a sense of failure in every area of my life. 2 of my children have behavioural issues. I am alone with them, I have lost my friends thanks to domestic abuse.
I have mental health support, I do have people who care but they can never understand. I get told most days what aterrible person I am and I have realised it’s true. All of my problems are my own fault, I think deep down I’m a bad person pretending to be good.
Even the fact that I have decided suicide is the final option for me, the fact that I am able to do that to my children, shows how evil I am.
I used to think suicide was so selfish, but now I see that sometimes the pain and exhaustion of living is too much.
And if anyone who knows me reads this, I’m sorry for confirming everything you ever thought I was.