I want to die

[Anonmummy111]

I don’t know why I am writing this. I can’t tell anyone in real life because they’ll do something. But I can’t live anymore. I have a plan to make sure my children are out of the house and someone else can collect them from childcare. I just can’t face life anymore, even though I love my children with all that I am I feel that I have fought for so long I don’t have anything left and ultimately I am letting them down, either way.
In my life I have experienced trauma and abuse.
I look like I’m doing ok but I’m not. I look like I’ve achieved a lot but I haven’t. I can’t cope with work anymore, I can’t keep doing everything.
I feel profound guilt all day everyday and a sense of failure in every area of my life. 2 of my children have behavioural issues. I am alone with them, I have lost my friends thanks to domestic abuse.
I have mental health support, I do have people who care but they can never understand. I get told most days what aterrible person I am and I have realised it’s true. All of my problems are my own fault, I think deep down I’m a bad person pretending to be good.
Even the fact that I have decided suicide is the final option for me, the fact that I am able to do that to my children, shows how evil I am.
I used to think suicide was so selfish, but now I see that sometimes the pain and exhaustion of living is too much.
And if anyone who knows me reads this, I’m sorry for confirming everything you ever thought I was.

OP, you are in a place where you have had enough, but you have reached out here and that is brave and also shows that there is a tiny bit of hope inside you that the is a way out.
In 2007 I tried to kill myself, I wanted nothing more than for the pain of living to stop. I'm not going to pretend that every day is great now, because it isn't, I have shit days, I have shit months. But all those shit days cannot take away from the life I have lived in the past 12 years. If I had died then I wouldn't have my children, I wouldn't have known what it was like to give birth, I wouldn't have had the chance to live by the sea, I wouldn't have seen my best friend get married - his day would have been tinged with sadness knowing i should have been there, I wouldn't have seen my children's faces on Christmas morning, I wouldn't have tasted so many dishes, I wouldn't have met hundreds of people, or slept in a treehouse, I wouldn't have gone back to uni at 40...

You have a life to live, you have boring and exciting things that you don't know about yet, those things that name up your life.

I have been medicated now for 12 years, on and off for 10 years before that. Medication can help you to get the therapy you need for your trauma, it may not be forever like me.

There is a light OP, I promise. For now, can you find two things that make things a little bigger for you and do those tonight? A hot bath? A episode of something funny or sweet? Lie next to a child in bed? Read a magazine or a chapter of a book?

Dear OP

Come back here and talk to us

My DP's dad died by suicide when DP was a child. He would have loved to have had a dad, he still misses him 20 years on. Please speak to someone and get help. You are worthy and loved and life can get better even though it might not feel like it. Please just tell someone in real life how you feel. Lots of love to you.

OP, come back. Talk to us. You say you can't tell people in RL because they'll do something- there's nothing we can 'do' to stop you. Except on such a large forum you'll have replies from people (as above!) who have been there, felt this low and lived through it. People who are glad they did so because you can reach rock bottom- but you don't stay there. If you can muster the strength to reach out as you have done now you can muster the strength to carry on reaching out. You can! I won't try to guilt you with my own family story but suicide is a very, very long term solution to your problem that you CAN look back on from a better place one day. Quit your job, go to your GP with the sole intention of being signed off long term-ish- if the consequences of that seem huge all isn't lost. Even if they don't then you have nothing to lose by quitting and focussing on yourself/ your children. You may find with that and outside professional help your head clears somewhat and you can rebuild. At this point you have nothing to lose by trying and everything to gain. We're here. We'll listen without judgement.

"Hang on, even if it's by your fingertips"

Please get yourself to A and E and let them know that you can't keep yourself safe OP. Breathe in and out. Keep going. You're worth more than you know just now, things will get better. xx

Please don't do this. We are all here for you.

Please seek help from someone around you, call 999. Anything.

Op, my love, look at all these people reaching out to you. We don't even know you and we want you to stay. Would you please consider calling someone? The Samaritans or a friend or someone from the mental health services you know? I know it's hard, I have been there. I have posted my own version of this thread on here and on other forums. The thing that stopped me was thinking of my dd, I wanted to see her grow up. I thought I was fucking it all up but it was just my mind telling me I was.

Please do call someone.

Phone 999.

I work as a Paramedic and we go to people who feel as you do.
We are never angry or annoyed to get calls like these; we would rather be there to help you, even just to chat to - non judgemental and anonymous for you.

Please.

Please do not think like this & contact someone to talk, Samaritans are always there and are an outsider who know nothing about you, I have been here before and talking to them was one of the best things ive done & still do! Your children need you more than you will ever know, no matter how bad you feel!!

Please if you need someone to talk to reach out to anyone, even a fellow mum like myself will be happy to listen and be there

If you text 07725 909090 when you are feeling really depressed, a crisis counsellor will text with you.

Many people don't like talking on the phone & find it difficult to open up to friends and family. Some people would be more comfortable texting. It's a service run by Samaritans.

Just found the above message on Facebook OP, thought if you

I am sorry for not coming back last night, I’m so sorry for worrying you all. But I did read your messages and it did help. I know you are all right, and I know that the abuse is a big part of the problem, I feel like I am going absolutely crazy , I feel so desperate and crushed and confused.
My son woke up for a wee last night and he saw me crying, he came to me and asked what was wrong, I said mummy just feels a bit sad ... and he said to me ‘we do sometimes listen to you mummy’, I think because I had said earlier to them that they never listened to me 😭😭😭😭 hearing that and reading what you have all said to me, I just couldn’t stop thinking that that is how he would see it, that I had done it because he didn’t listen to me...
I don’t know if that’s enough, I feel that it is so intense when the panic of life sets in, but could I really leave him alone thinking that? Maybe I could leave them videos explaining that they are not to blame?
I just don’t know anymore.
But thank you, honestly thank you to each of you for caring. You don’t know me but you care. And some of you have been there, you understand. It helps. I guess I thought no one understood, even though I do know that people understand... it’s such a strange thing to objectively know something but internally believe something else altogether.
How do I make things better though?? So many workers have tried, I see how much it pains them that they can’t make it better for me. It’s like everyone I touch feels the darkness too.

Keep talking to us OP. Pick up the phone and speak to someone from The Samaritans. They will keep you company. They will listen and they will offer help. Or use the text number above - just keep reaching out in whatever way you feel able to. There are people out there (and on here), who will be there for you and help you to get through the dark times.

You sound very severely depressed - are you on medication? Are you receiving therapy?

Please don't kill yourself. Your DC really need you, far more than you realise. DC can be little sods sometimes, but they know not what they say and do to the vulnerable adult in their lives, they don't mean to hurt you

I am glad you are still here. Your son would thank you for this if he knew. I don't know how to help you but I'm sure lots of posters on here have some good suggestions. We all care even though we don't know you. You're a human and it's hard to be a human but we're all in it together and there will always be someone who cares.

@Anonmummy111 I'm so relieved to see your post, if a bunch of strangers care about you this much imagine how much people in real life do. I don't know how to help but there are lots of organisations that do, please reach out to them xx

I would, IIWY (and I have been), try and hold that objective knowledge/subjective feeling without trying to resolve it, but without losing sight of the objective knowledge part. One effect of trauma is to impress destructive false beliefs very, very deeply in a person. And it takes the emotions a very, very long time to catch up with the brain. But the volume of those false beliefs in your internal soundscape does not correlate with their truth. If I go out into a crowd and shout at the top of my voice, again and again, 'The sky is green', those around me will have it ringing in their ears, but it doesn't make the sky any greener.

Don't try and think too far ahead.

One foot in front of the other, for now.

The darkest hour is just before the dawn.

Dearest Anonmummy, so pleased that you are back with us today. Did you have hugs with your son last night? Hold the memory of them in your heart and find a little strength to believe you can make things better. Because you can. You may not see how yet, but there will be a way for you to survive this and see your kids grow and flourish.

Hi anonmum, I'm glad you've gotten some help from all the lovely posts people have written.
I'd like to reiterate everything they say. You are important, you do matter and you're not a terrible person.
Who is it that tells you every day you're terrible, no matter who they are you need to remove them from your life. No partner/parent/friend ever deserves a place in your life if they treat you like this. Are you stuck with them due to finances/ dependancy? Would you consider contacting a woman's refuge for help?

Are you on medication, is this something you would consider?
I hope you reach out to someone in real life too today. They may not be able to fully understand how you're feeling but they can empathise and show care. It's can be very hard to understand something we haven't experienced ourselves but don't write off your support people because of this they can still help.

@Anonmummy111
Question: what do you need to get you away from the abuse?

This blackness you feel is an illness - the dark thoughts are not real. It is nigh on impossible to see that when the Black Dog is barking at your heels.

But believe me, these terrible thoughts are a product of depression, not from reality.

I truly do know how hard this is and how these sort of thoughts can take over and be so hard to shift.

You DO matter; the fact that you are thinking so much about your children tells us very clearly that you are NOT a terrible person.

An acquaintance of mine surprised me when I was like you - she just came to me, held my hand and simply repeated to me "You will get better." So I am saying to you, seek the right help and you WILL get better.

I am here holding your hand along with all these other posters - we are doing so because we can see the good person underneath these terrible thoughts that are plaguing you. xxx

God u poor thing. Please get help. Your kids need you and nobody can ever love them as much as their mother. Please please reach out to someone and tell them how u feel. Please please look after you self. Life will get better eventually but taking your own life is final. Please find the strength to carry on x x

I'm so happy to hear from you this morning. We all really do care about you.

I hear what you are saying when you say that many workers have tried to help. The fact that you are worried about how the workers feel about it shows that you are a very empathetic person - maybe that's making you carry too much weight on your shoulders.

I just want to highlight that there are many many types of therapy out there. I'm not sure which you've tried. Often people are offered CBT. If you're dealing with trauma maybe you need something like EMDR - eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. Perhaps you would benefit from Dialectal Behavioural Therapy or DBT which can be very effective for people who are dealing with distress at such intensity that you have to contemplate suicide. These are just a couple of options and maybe you've tried these. If so, don't panic - there are plenty more. I'm just trying to show that there are options. Of course there are also multiple medications. Often what works is a combination of things. There is lots of reason to believe that something will make you feel better.

Keep talking to us. We are here to listen and we care.

Hey lovely, I'm so glad you came back. Please stick with us.
Are you away from the domestic abuse now?
Have you had any treatment for PTSD?

Have you seen this book? www.matthaig.com/reasons-to-stay-alive/

I think I have it somewhere, if I can find it I would be happy to send it to you or even to someone else you know if you don't want to give your details. I will look for it.

It is by someone who has been in the same position, even further really, but has come out the other side. It resonates because you realise someone FULLY understands the place you are in, someone with experience of how awful that place feels but that it is not how it will always feel.

I'm so pleased that you've come back to talk to us this morning. Please keep doing so. Please ask for help, you can show this thread to someone. You're not a burden, you're not worthless and your children most certainly won't benefit in any way from not having you there. Cuddle your children they need you. Please ask for help today. xxx

OP

I don't often post on here but I felt like I have to add my voice to this. Before you do anything, please stop and think about how much your children's world revolves around you, how much you are loved and how much you matter, how will your death affect them for the rest of their lives. I am sorry you went through so much trauma but that doesn't have to be the end of your story, I am going to leave this poem here. Please call the Samaritans, speak to someone

Dear those who don’t want to be here, you are not what’s broken.
You are the recipient and the creation of love, and people pray for you, even when you don’t know it.
Someone, somewhere looks at you, or hears your name and smiles because you warm their heart, and only you can do it.
Know that the sun was made to kiss you, the rain was made to cool you,
the birds were made to serenade you.
You are not what’s broken.
Know that you are more than existing, you are living, breathing and loved.
You are intentional,
You are not accidental,
You are not coincidental,
You were made from purpose and intent.
Though you don’t see it, to others it’s clear,
You the world and we need you here.
Know that you are super fly by design and even if you don’t know it, I will know it for you.
But more than that you are not what’s broken,
You are what’s keeping us from breaking, you are sheer beauty and you are loved.