I want to die

[Anonmummy111]

I don’t know why I am writing this. I can’t tell anyone in real life because they’ll do something. But I can’t live anymore. I have a plan to make sure my children are out of the house and someone else can collect them from childcare. I just can’t face life anymore, even though I love my children with all that I am I feel that I have fought for so long I don’t have anything left and ultimately I am letting them down, either way.
In my life I have experienced trauma and abuse.
I look like I’m doing ok but I’m not. I look like I’ve achieved a lot but I haven’t. I can’t cope with work anymore, I can’t keep doing everything.
I feel profound guilt all day everyday and a sense of failure in every area of my life. 2 of my children have behavioural issues. I am alone with them, I have lost my friends thanks to domestic abuse.
I have mental health support, I do have people who care but they can never understand. I get told most days what aterrible person I am and I have realised it’s true. All of my problems are my own fault, I think deep down I’m a bad person pretending to be good.
Even the fact that I have decided suicide is the final option for me, the fact that I am able to do that to my children, shows how evil I am.
I used to think suicide was so selfish, but now I see that sometimes the pain and exhaustion of living is too much.
And if anyone who knows me reads this, I’m sorry for confirming everything you ever thought I was.

Your children love you; they love you the most they could. And although you feel today they may be better without you; they won’t. Who is telling you you’re a terrible person? Is this still going on? You are not a terrible person, I can tell that from how sensitively you have written and how much you do care for your children.
Get away from anyone who tells you you’re not worthy. Keep on trying. It will get better. Today you feel it’s always like this, but it’s not and it will improve. You are needed and loved and make sure you keep trying to love yourself because you are worth it 🌸🌸🌸

That is so sweet of your little boy . You are obviously doing well with your children .
Lots of people have that monkey on their shoulder telling them awful things.
I hope you are doing a bit better today . Have you seen your GP ? Perhaps a different counsellor would help ?

How do I make things better though

Well you’ve started this thread and come back to update it. That’s a really good first step and hopefully showed you that people DO care, that you aren’t on your own in how you feel and to know that some of us have been where you are and have come out the other side or are still working at getting there. Which means you can get better too.

The second thing is a question: are you still with or in close contact with the person/people who are abusers? Are they still in a position where they are still able to tell you that you are a terrible person and other lies? If you are what can you do to prevent this:

Women’s Aid?
Police?
Family/friends who should be told so they can help you free yourself from this person?
The Freedom Programme (can be done online)

The thing is if you are still being abused in any way it is very hard to start to recover while you are still under it’s horrible and destructive influence.

So the second step I’d say is to get the abuser out of your life as soon as you can. And women’s aid/police (if they are appropriate) would be able to help you to do this . Keep on going just an hour at a time. You can do this. You deserve to do this.

Also have you had any therapy specifically for trauma ? Have you tried EMDR? If you are anywhere near west yorks the person I saw was amazing.

Hi OP. Thinking of you today.

I'm glad you got back to us OP.

How do you make things better? That's the multi million dollar question, but little by little with babysteps.

Sometimes I still just want to escape from everything, but instead of thinking about dying, I know fantasise about being in a quiet white room, with just a bed and sunlight and people bringing me what I need (food, water, etc). This makes me realise that what I actually need is rest and for sometime to take care of me. As I am a mother to three it is hard to get the time to be looked after, so I try look at myself in the same way I would a child.

You have a lot to deal with, and you need to put yourself first. Explain to your GP (show them your post here if it's easier) how you are feeling and say that you need some time off work to enable you to cope. And ask them about trauma counselling. And yes, The Freedom Programme is great too. You should be able to Google your local course.

Just checking in OP in case you want to talk.

Hi, just wondering how you are today? I have thought about you the last few days. Here if you want to talk.

Hi OP, checking in to see how things are? Hope your feeling better since last week x

I’m still here, too.

Anytime you want or need to talk, please PM me.

It’s ok to struggle. It’s normal to be overwhelmed.

And most importantly, it’s ok to let people help you.

OP you’re stronger than you know, even posting on here was a massive step.

You matter and I believe in you ❤️

Thinking of you. Been there. But the difference is you're thinking of your children - I was so blocked off from thought that all I could see was tunnel vision.

So this my sweetest of sweet lovelies, is you desperately begging for help to not do this. We can help you with that.
Not individually, but by saying things like:
A: Ring for an emergency GP appointment at 8am in the morning (that's how it works in my surgery).
If you don't have that, you get yourself to A&E. Just say you're feeling suicidal.

OP I know someone who wanted to die because she couldn’t have kids- in her eyes you’ve got everything you could ever wish for. Its obvious from your posts that you clearly love your kids, which a) makes you a nice person because there’s plenty of people out there who don’t and treat their kids badly and b) your kids have their lovely little personalities and ways about them because of YOU. Please at least give yourself some credit for that.

Like others have said, please reach out and get some help. You sound like a lovely person who deserves to be happy. Either contacting the Samaritans or making an appointment to see your GP would be such a massive step and I do think it would feel like such a weight of your shoulder.

We are all here for you OP, you are definitely not alone

Op I've been in exactly the same position, u was deeply depressed for years and was ridden with guilt over bad choices I had made. I too loved my children dearly and truly believed that they would have a better future without me, that after the initial upset, they would go on to be happier without me there to mess things up. I had things planned, I had chosen my method and gathered what I needed. I didn't see any other way, I had already been on antidepressants for years and they hadn't helped. This was in 2014. I never went through with it and things changed. I'm happier then I've ever been, and even had another child at 38. I still have problems that I'm not great at sorting out, but Im so glad I didn't go through with my suicide plans. Please give yourself longer.