I want to die

[Anonmummy111]

I don’t know why I am writing this. I can’t tell anyone in real life because they’ll do something. But I can’t live anymore. I have a plan to make sure my children are out of the house and someone else can collect them from childcare. I just can’t face life anymore, even though I love my children with all that I am I feel that I have fought for so long I don’t have anything left and ultimately I am letting them down, either way.
In my life I have experienced trauma and abuse.
I look like I’m doing ok but I’m not. I look like I’ve achieved a lot but I haven’t. I can’t cope with work anymore, I can’t keep doing everything.
I feel profound guilt all day everyday and a sense of failure in every area of my life. 2 of my children have behavioural issues. I am alone with them, I have lost my friends thanks to domestic abuse.
I have mental health support, I do have people who care but they can never understand. I get told most days what aterrible person I am and I have realised it’s true. All of my problems are my own fault, I think deep down I’m a bad person pretending to be good.
Even the fact that I have decided suicide is the final option for me, the fact that I am able to do that to my children, shows how evil I am.
I used to think suicide was so selfish, but now I see that sometimes the pain and exhaustion of living is too much.
And if anyone who knows me reads this, I’m sorry for confirming everything you ever thought I was.

You matter.

You are here and you are important.

You are worthy of help.

Help is there for you.

One of my best friends in the world is a Samaritan. They are kind people, trained to help those who are having a crisis. Please call them. You honestly have nothing to lose in doing so.

Sending you all the strength I can.

I'm really sorry that your feeling this way, but your children need you. You will ruin their lives and cause immense pain. There are other options you just need to ask for more help. Coming from someone who has been through family suicide please do not put them little people through it. There is light at the tunnel d

I just wanted to say I am sorry you have found yourself in this place
You've done a brave, positive thing by posting here
I've struggled with mental health myself, though not perhaps to the extent you have, but I know what it's like to feel like you can't go on
there was a time when I thought I would never be happy again- as crazy as it was I thought I had used up all my happiness. But that was the illness and I was wrong
I hope you find some light in the darkness

I’m lying on my bed crying for you and for your family and loved ones. You matter. You have a mark to make on the world and on history. You are important. Every person that has ever lived has a part to play in how our world works. Please please don’t think you’re worthless.

Hey OP.
I am not going to guilt you that your children need their Mum and no one can replace that because you already know that.
But I do want to tell you to reach out, how you feel, lots of people have felt like that and it is horrendous but you are not a bad person, you are worthy of help.
I have just watched a friend battle back from PTSD after years of feeling there is no way out, he finally got the right help he needed and he is living. I know it doesn't feel like it but there is a way out, it doesn't have to always feel like this.

Can you message someone your address OP so we can get someone to help you?

Please don't do this, you are precious and you can get better I promise.

OP you are your kids world, they don't see you how you see yourself, please reach out to someone in RL there are people that can help xx

I'm sorry I cant really say much to help but I couldn't read this & not reply. Your children need their mom, you matter. If you need to talk things through, please do, were here to listen

Please please contact the helplines.
I know that you feel like you are at the bottom of a barrell and cant come out, but focus on today and getting through the day. Let others help you and guide you away from the darkness.
Your mind is the enemy at its fighting again your body. Don't let it win!! Let others help until you have your strength back and you can see through the fog.

Hey OP

Please hang on. Your children would never get over losing you. They love and need you.

I know when you’re in that place you feel there is no way out of the blackness. But I’m living proof that life will change and will improve. Please keep talking to us.

I’m not here to judge at all, I just wanted to say though, someone I used to bump into on the little play park where I live who had a 5 year old daughter commit suicide in May; I suppose we didn’t know each other well enough to claim we were ‘friends’ but I really liked her and we had some good chats while the children played. We both had very different backgrounds, she’d grown up in care, her father was in prison and her brother followed his footsteps (she was abused by her father) people judged her because of her background, they judged how she looked and some labelled her ‘the druggy mum’ (I’ve no idea whether she was) but she to me was absolutely lovely, she was a kind attentive mum and she loved animals, there was something warming and ‘real’ and ‘raw’ about her that I instantly connected with & there were things I really admired about her, I could write for hours.
And then that day happened.
I had no idea she was suffering, I watched her the day before walking past as she often did and thought to myself I must catch up with her and I never got the chance.
The reason I’m posting this is because ever since that day I’ve not stopped thinking about her, I’ve had random outbursts of crying, I’ve contacted the social workers and begged for them to take a letter I wrote for her daughter for her memory box because I know she is now in care herself....her father committed suicide in January (her parents weren’t together at the time but it broke her mum) I wrote the letter because I wanted to share the ‘little things’ I remember about her mum that I know would be wasted memories if I failed to act, I want her daughter to know the little conversations she had with her, I want her daughter to know someone cared about her mum and cared about her and I won’t forget a Christmas even though to her I’m only really a stranger and her mum would never have thought the lady from the park would have given her much of a second thought....but she’d be wrong. Don’t do it, there’s some strength in there somewhere however buried and however overwhelmed it may be there is some...there must be, because it is strong to have written your post. I am a stranger that cared deeply enough about another stranger and I cannot read and run seeing this now it’s utterly heartbreaking, no one replaces your mum NO ONE ...your children need you whatever state you’re in their love is unconditional they need you and they want you here xxx

I do have people who care I do have mental health support

Out of the people who care and the people who support you please find the person out of those who you most feel able to tell how you are feeling. They might not understand but right now I’m not sure they need to. They just need to know enough to try get you the help you deserve.

You are not a terrible person. Who is telling you that? You have been abused and through trauma. That doesn’t make you terrible. It is not your fault.

You are not a bad person. You are unwell and deserve all the help you can get to start to heal.

There is therapy for trauma. I’ve just recently had a course of EMDR from IAPT and it’s really helped. I didn’t think anything could help but it has.

Would you be paid if you were to get signed off work sick? No one can be expected to cope with work feeling like this.

Please darling phone Samaritans, do anything you can to fight this. You can get help and you deserve it. Try as hard as you can not to listen to the thoughts in your head. They aren’t accurate. They’re the depression, anxiety, exhaustion and the trauma telling you lies.

Keep talking. We care

Op I think you've reached out here as deep down you want to survive this. And you can. People come back from the most horrendous situations and you will too.

Please call someone or go to A&E tonight. People love you and people care and your children need you to be strong and fight through this. Fuck work it's not important right now.

OP, I see you.

You matter.

You’re one of my tribe. You’re not alone.

When the pain is too much, just breathe. In and out. Don’t think about the past, don’t think about the future. Just breathe. You know where that knot of pain is in your chest? Just breathe and try and dissipate it.

You’re having a bad night. It’s ok, we all have. We’re here for you.

Please try to stay strong, my mum died when I was sixteen and I have never got over it. She didn't want to live and I've spent a lot of my life wondering why I wasn't enough for her. Please stay not just for your children but for you, life is short enough - please just get through the next half hour then the next and keep going x

A close friend of mine felt how you did.

No one thought she'd go through with her threats. Things seemed to improve and then that's when she saw her chance and took her own life.

She had two young daughters at primary school. My friend thought she was doing them a favour as she was (in her own eyes) a bad mum.

The girls's lives have been destroyed, ruined, decimated and the burden of their mother's death (which they blame themselves for) will be a life- long legacy of sorrow, pain, guilt and regret. They are now of university age and they are shadows of what they should have become.

Please don't do it! You and your family and worth more. 💕

You matter Op,if you are close I can get a babysitter and come and sit with you your not alone xx

OP your post really resonated with me. I was married to a very abusive man and have battled on and off with suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression for years. I too once felt that ending things would be easier and better for my DC but I now know that this is the depression talking. How you are feeling is very real in the moment but depression skews your thought processes and it is not reality. You are valuable, you deserve to live and you are a survivor. Do not let this man win by destroying you and your DC. Leaving an abusive relationship is only the start of the fight. You have to keep fighting to overcome the years of lies you have been fed about yourself and it is likely you are suffering from PTSD which you can recover from.

I know it feels like no one can possibly understand but you are not alone. I have experienced this and got through to the other side by waiting 1 month before I acted, then 2 months, then 3. I went to see my G.P and started medication even though i didn't think it would work. Soon enough, the medication kicked in and I began to think more clearly and realised how unwell I was. Please see your G.P for help. They wont judge you, they wont take your DC away, they wont force you to take medication if that's not what you want but they will be able to give you the help you need.

Hi Anonmummy
Please contact someone and talk to them about how you are feeling. We are all here for you and care about you but you need someone in real life to help keep you safe until you can see that there IS a way to get through this.

You can 100% come out the other side of this. Please seek help ❤️

You are amazing. so strong to get to where you are today despite everything you have endured.
You’ve suffered trauma and abuse, and you are not to blame for the things that have happened to you. These things are the reason you feel the way you do right now, but it is not your fault.
To your children you are Perfect.
You will have much brighter days.
Please seek help as soon as you can and reach out to others.
My thoughts are with you

Also behavioural problems are extremely common in children who have witnessed DV. This is in no way your fault and has nothing to do with your parenting. You clearly love your children very much and that's more important to them than anything else. My DC also had behavioural issues and I felt very judged because of this. I now realise that I did the best I could to protect them and so have you. Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy and I wish you could see how amazing and strong you are for doing this.

It's hard to believe while you feel that bad but there are ways that you can get better, you can get a life worth living, definitely.

You can call 999 because this is an emergency. You need to be treated urgently. Your only job right now is to pull through this feeling. Forget about all the things you can't handle - you don't have to handle them for now. Not for a while. Let go of them and just reach for help. You are critically ill.

And don't think there's no help because you already have mental health support. You probably don't have the right support. That happens often. It has meant you are in crisis now. But there is definitely help for you.

I realise you’ve got a lots of messages, OP, but I’m wondering who is making the external criticisms of you? That person needs to leave your life, not you. Take the support and use it to get that person away from you, if you possibly can.

Dear Anonmummy
I've just put my children to bed and had that wonderful moment when you kiss their sleepy heads and the smell of them makes your heart swell.
Tell us about your children and how you love them. My heart breaks to think you feel so low that you feel there is no other way but to leave them. Talk to us all, because there are many of us out here listening to you, let us help you find some hope and a way for you to stay with them.