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Original poster

To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

272 replies

Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 16/05/2019 18:14

But even if his behaviour is fine at nursery, the fact he has virtually no language isn't and they should be supporting you.

CheshireChat · 16/05/2019 18:15

What would happen if you said 'things are more than tough, I'm not coping anymore. What support will you offer me?'.

LakieLady · 16/05/2019 18:16

I agree with the PPs who suspect some sort of SN, OP. I think a comprehensive assessment is needed, asap, but as you're in Scotland, I'm not sure what the referral route would be.

I think it's also very disappointing that children's services are involved but nothing much seems to be happening. Your younger children are clearly at risk and the strain on you really comes across in your posts.

It won't help, I know, but my heart really does go out to you.

CalamityJune · 16/05/2019 18:17

You say you have a social worker. Are your children subject to a Child In Need or Child Protection Plan?

EC22 · 16/05/2019 18:17

The fact this behaviour only happens at home is actually reassuring that given the right set of circumstances and help things will improve.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 18:18

The guy from the social was here last Thursday, I told him I am suicidal,I hate my son I hate parenting.
His reply: that's a shame let's get you some help.
Despite me texting saying is respite care a thing, can you come out soon my dd has a cut on her face from my son, and he has trapped her fingers in the door. Absolute nothing, no text back, no calls nothing

OP posts:
hettie · 16/05/2019 18:22

Ok social services are not helping. You need to go down the health route, and prise open the doors of child and adolescent mental health services. This will require your GP. You need to list all of the difficulties (and interventions that have failed eg SALT) and push for a referral.

Knackeredmommy · 16/05/2019 18:22

That sounds so bloody hard. Has he had an assessment? I think you should ask GP to refer him to the child development team.
If he's non verbal his frustrations will come out physically, he can't articulate with words.
If he does have ASD traits, then clear routines and boundaries will help. Reward charts and now and next boards will help.
It may feel like he's getting worse as you enforce these things but give it at least 6 weeks to see if he resPonds.
Positive reinforcement, so even if he's sitting quietly for a few minutes, catch those good times and praise them.
I hope you get some help soon x

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 18:23

No I don't think anything like that, the HV suggested to get them involved as they felt they were able to help more than the HV 🙄
I feel quite let down tbh, nobody seems to do anything.
I just want answers as to why he behaves like this.
His dad left when he was quite young, I think he must have been about 4m surely he isn't harbouring resentment from that?!

OP posts:
hettie · 16/05/2019 18:23

Oh and if you or anyone in your family has the energy make a formal complaint about social services lack of action

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 18:24

The HV did refer us to CAHMS, but they want SS to observe us parenting first before they will put him on a waiting list which makes me feel like they are blaming us Sad

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 16/05/2019 18:24

Try looking at the therapeutic parenting group on Facebook.

BitchPeas · 16/05/2019 18:25

When did you and your DP get together?

Is there any chance someone has or is abusing him? Anyone at all?

BitchPeas · 16/05/2019 18:26

I’d call social services every single day, leave voicemails, send emails, whatever you can do. Do not let it drop until they help you. Could you write to your MP complaining? That would help.

Lemonsquinky · 16/05/2019 18:27

You need professional help. Go to your doctor and tell them what your ds has been doing. It sounds like he's a confused and sad little boy. I think it sounds like he has some additional needs.
I do understand how you feel as my dcs have challenging behaviour. But it was helpful for me to realise that they need my help, even though it's a thankless and frustrating task. Ds2 was particularly challenging at the same age as your son and a therapist from CAMHS reminded me he was just a little boy who needed my help.
Also I think you need to get support for you. Do you think you could have depression? It's very isolating having a dc with the behaviour your ds has. I've been in a similar position to you. It feels like you're a bad parent, but it's worth remembering that you are parenting more as your ds needs more. It is more than just jealousy. You could go on a parenting course. I've been on lots. There are also really good parenting books on Amazon.
Look into Makaton to help him communicate. It must be very frustrating for him.💐

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 18:28

Absolutely no abuse at all, hand on my heart I know there isn't.
My partner is only here during the day and he is near enough always in my sight.
He doesn't spend much time with any other adults, other than those at his nursery.
Me and DP got together early 2016

OP posts:
corythatwas · 16/05/2019 18:28

This sounds a terribly difficult situation but I would focus very strongly on getting help with his SN as that is almost certainly the only chance of dealing with the rest of it.

I would absolutely jump through any hoops with CAHMS even if it does mean them observing you parenting. Have had a child through CAHMS support at various ages and yes, it did feel like they were checking up on me at time, but main thing was, we got help. Including some suggestions of things we might do differently.

How severe is his speech problem? At first I thought you seemed to suggest he was virtually non-verbal, but now it seems he has some language and it isn't causing problems at nursery?

It does sound like you are just going to have to keep pushing for help.

Notonthestairs · 16/05/2019 18:35

The HV did refer us to CAHMS, but they want SS to observe us parenting first before they will put him on a waiting list which makes me feel like they are blaming us 

^^ get on SS's case to get the observation done so you can move this forward. Ring them every day - be that pain in the arse they want to get sorted. Forget about worrying about blame - your family needs help.

I appreciate that you are run ragged and it's so much worse when the professionals aren't listening but pressuring them is the only way.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/05/2019 18:37

That's why I said you need to be prepared to fight and badger.l.GP,HV,SS. Fund are low,waiting lists are huge and many children fall through the cracks. There are many hoops to jump through. My friend has had to do parenting courses, various checkup for hearing/eyesight, speech and language etc before eventually getting an ASD diagnosis for her son. A diagnosis that she was sure of, but wha a relief to finally be told after 3 years that she's not imagining it,it's not her parenting etc.

Another friend's son fell through the cracks as the assessments came at a time she was very low,she didn't have it in her to fight decisions or ask questions or demand to know why a certain appointment letter never came. 4 years later the school is fighting on her side and she is in a better place and a diagnosis is in the works.

hettie · 16/05/2019 18:41

I'd push for GP to push what's happening to cahms referral. HV may have downplayed the situation and/or no one pressing social services to come up with some conclusions from their 'parenting observations'. It's a cop out anyway because social workers don't have expertise in understanding what's parenting, what's development issues or what's mental health (given its cahms job to assess this.... You really need someone to advocate and fight for appropriate help locally. Are their charities or advocate groups, young minds for example or is you local MP effective in pushing for change?

Technonan · 16/05/2019 18:43

Are there any issues of autism or other SN? In my wider family, we had a severe case of jealous bullying from an autistic older child towards a younger one.

Your ds is only 5, so any behavioural support can't have gone on for very long, and this takes time to be effective. In the meantime, you need support and you need to tell your doctor you feel seriously suicidal so your family can get the serious help it needs - but you have to persevere and see it as small steps.

We did get our problems sorted out - the relationship between the two children was never great, but the serious bullying did stop. The systems that the parents were advised to use consisted of rewards for good behaviour, consistent, firm guidelines issued without the adult getting angry or stressed (I know, I know, we're human and sometimes it's very tough), consistent expression of love even when the child was learning that the behaviour was not acceptable, serious efforts to get the child to explain what she was feeling when she attacked her sibling - sometimes drawing her anger helped her.

All the time, the parents were supported by regular sessions with a family therapist who was very good. But they had to fight to get that support.

Can you find a way of not leaving your ds with his sisters until you have better control over him?

EC22 · 16/05/2019 18:45

Have you engaged with any parenting groups/ classes, 1to1?
Has your son ever been witness to domestic abuse at home in this or previous relationship?
You must have a HV for your younger children, they should be making social work referrals for them as they are at risk from physical harm.

EKGEMS · 16/05/2019 18:48

Shitzandgiggles Lets hope you're never on the other end of a crisis counseling line the last thing this OP needs is holier than thou judgement

CheshireChat · 16/05/2019 18:50

In case you need to complain about SS or the HV, make sure you write down exactly the time and time you tried involving them and ideally what they failed to do.

Technonan · 16/05/2019 18:51

Let them observe you parenting. I know it seems really intrusive, but until they see what you are doing, they can't say what the problem is. In my family, the parenting was observed, and SS were very clear that the parents were doing some things well, some things were not working, and some things were making the situation worse - usually the things they know we all do, like shouting losing rag etc. They won't expect to see perfect parenting, but it will help them to help you, and give them a starting point to work with you.