To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

[Failureforaparent01]

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

Ok so plan for tomorrow

• is see the GP and be as brutal and honest as possible
• contact SS demand.. something? I can't demand anymore help as I know I wont get it, they appear to be doing everything they can, or so they say.
• fit in another hour for ds, the park or soft play is good idea for having him run round burn off energy

Plan for weekend

• look into evening classes, martial arts maybe?

Something that is just for him, to burn the energy and maybe even help to channel that anger?

Does that sound ok?

Sounds good op. Maybe a query about his hearing to the GP, and be completely honest about how you feel. Tell them you can't leave without some kind of action.

Oh yes he had his hearing checked already

It's a plan OP. Good luck

Hi Op, you sound like you are understandably drained after digging deep for a long time with this situation.
First things first, definitely call the GP. Don’t leave without help. You need to take care of yourself and get some support to best be able to look after others.

I had a similar situation with my Dd when she was that age, she had hearing issues and little speech. It frustrated her to no end (4 hour long violent rages) and as she couldn’t understand exactly what was going on around her, she reacted by controlling what was going on by behaving in that way. I taught her Makaton sign language for some Key words for her to explain herself. I also made her a calm down bottle (bottle full of water & glitter to shake and watch until it settled) for when she was about to lose it and used calming music/distraction to try and diffuse things before they came to a head. When she was really on a bad one, she would be put in her room to stop her hurting herself or others as you couldn’t negotiate with her when she was in fight or flight mode. My mum was a teacher and said she’d never seen a child like it - she even suggested she might be possessed (she’s normally a very level headed woman but it was a tough time!)
The book - The explosive child by Ross W Green was really helpful. So was having a clear visual structure for her mornings and evenings so she could see what was going to happen- I used an app called Choiceworks morning and evening which helped.
We went on parenting courses and tried so many different things but the key to it was once she had her hearing aids and speech things picked up and now she is a delightful, well mannered pleasure of a child. There is a light at the end of the tunnel - good luck!

I'm not surprised you're tearing your hair out. Totally agree with all those saying you have to keep fighting for him to be assessed. Delayed language can be a sign of so, so many neurodevelopmental issues. You will need a diagnosis before you find a set of ways,to parent him that are effective. Clearly something is,wrong and standard practice not working but there will be another, different and better way. Do you have the ADHD foundation there or use Autism UK? Their helplines may be a starting point and they may be able to advocate for you. There will be lots that help but it must come from professionals. Can you reach out to MSP regarding absolute failure to assist from local services - a call from them may kick start it.

SS are overstretched in general and not all SW are any good at their job so don't take their words as gospel. They might figure something out if you pressure them, ideally try and think of something specific they could help with.

Apparently certain behaviours can be masked at school/nursery etc ... surely the nursery have mentioned his speech though?

Routine is often key, try having a routine at home, and maybe use picture cards to identify what you are doing throughout the day.

Contact your GP, SW and HV, even if they are useless.

As for CAMHS wanting to observe your parenting, I wouldn't take it to Heart, all these referrals want those referring to jump through hoops, they are so under pressure they reject most referrals and behaviour needs to be present in more than one setting, unfortunately this may mean waiting until school.

Not sure about what assessment can be done in Scotland, but I would ask HV for a comprehensive assessment, we have Ruth Griffiths assessments here which can identify certain issues. What areas is he behind in?

As for the situation with your daughter, I guess try and keep them separate as much as you can, have firm but most important consistent rules and consequences. I read a book called magic 123 and while I disagreed with a lot of what was said, their main approach worked for mine I rarely need to get to "that's 3" anymore.

Parenting is hard work, it sounds like you and your son need some support that you're not getting. Hope things get better soon.

Sounds like a good plan.
And don't hold back when you talk to GP and SS.

Hi OP,

You might find this forum helpful. I am not saying he has ODD, but I have read parents there struggling with kids who are very violent to their brothers and sisters, so you might get some useful ideas there.

www.conductdisorders.com/community/forums/parent-emeritus.18/

I know with very difficult young children, something many people recommend who have had kids like this, is lots and lots of exercise/running around. It helps many parents cope with their difficult child.

Best of luck. I really feel for you.

Youve had some good help and advice here at last. I just wanted to say that i am so angry that you told a social worker that you were suicidal, and he essentially did nothing. If i did that at work (someone was suicidal and i ignored it), i would be HUGELY reprimanded, and if they actually did kill themselves, i would be having to explain myself at coroners court.

Youre not a bad parent. There is something going on with your son that you havent got to the bottom of yet. Hang on in there, lovely, and keep fighting. for you.

No advice but hang on in there. I hope you get the help you need 💕

Not anything extra to advise with, just a huge well done for saying it like it is.

I have a child with huge problems. And society one moment want us to speak up and be heard, and the best they want us to not say what needs hearing because it's disgusting and therefore everything is our fault.

If things have gone on for so long that you wish he was gone or you were dead, then that's exactly what needs to be said.

I'm very sorry for how you feel and what you're going through. If it helps, this week I've finally asked for help for myself, because the lack of help and support for my kid has left me suicidal and having moments of feeling like you've described. But I love her to pieces and I'm desperate to not lose the will to keep fighting for her. She has attachment issues.

The only thing which has helped in the slightest has been Therapeutic Parenting.

The next, not the best

OP i remember your original post and to be honest it doesn't seem like you've implemented any of the advice you had then other than perhaps contacting social services and getting him his own bedroom (well done for that, that was a terrifying set up). I'm sorry I know you're in a terrible position but you need to stop sticking your head in the sand and reach out to anybody and everybody. Stop dismissing your HV as well! And stop giving your son the chance to hurt your DDs! It's absolutely ridiculous that 4 months down the line it's still so bad. I want to be more positive but you're just as defeatist as you were all those months back "i've tried this, i've tried that, nope that won't work for us, all the agencies are useless... etc". Honestly if people think i'm being mean then they should look back to the original post because you were extremely resistant to actually doing anything, you just wanted somebody else to swoop in and do it for you. For example, no progress made with the speech delay and still you're refusing to do any activities with him.

OP, I would start my own 'file' as it were on his behaviours and their frequency to take to GP/ SS/ HV whoever you are able to see next.

If they are observing your parenting, I would take this as a box ticking exercise. Do what you learnt in the parenting classes to a 'T' so that the parenting can be quickly ruled out.

I think you are going to have to play the system a little bit on this, but keep storming ahead.

Also, try and not hate your son. He is a desperate little boy. He will know you hate him and that you'd rather give him away. He needs help. He loves you and you are all he has. The way you can be a good parent to him is not by getting him to behave but to get him help. This is tragically sad for you both but please try and stop hating him.

I know it’s tough seeing the wood for the trees, but you have a little boy with delayed development and he needs a paediatrician to find out what’s wrong so you can help fix it. CAMHS might be helpful too, but in my experience often aren’t. Badger your GP for a Paediatrician referral.

@Nearlythere1 I agree, I read the original post. I feel desperately sad for all the children involved.

Maybe he is best with someone else. As you clearly don't want him. Or to look into why his behaviour is like this. You don't want to spend time with your own child to figure out what's going on with him? Wow.

It's hard not to dismiss them when they do fuck all. Even the guy from the social says they aren't the best people to help.
Everybody says speak to your HV, and say what? Genuinely, what the fuck am I supposed to say that they haven't heard me say already?
I've asked them to help, I've asked them to see if ds can have any extra help(preferably speak to somebody to find out what is going on), I've told them I feel suicidal on a daily basis, I've told them I'm struggling. They do NOTHING.

And I do activities with him, maybe not much but I also work now so it has gotten harder.

And how can I stop him hurting them? Short of putting a bolt on his bedroom door and not letting him come downstairs. Otherwise he does it when I've gone to the toilet, when I'm answering the door, when my back is turned changing the baby. Try as I might I can't keep my eyes on them constantly.

Is there some sort of playpen you can put DD in whilst you are changing nappies or something? Or when you go to the loo take DS with, when you change nappy take him with and get him to hold the cream or something?

I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be - my heart really bleeds for you. No one is helping! How old is DD?

I can assure you, I have told SS and HV and his nursery that I am suicidal, that I've sat holding pills and a knife to my wrists before. I've told them this while crying on my knees begging for help.
It doesn't go any further, maybe they think I'm not serious?
Maybe I do need to follow through and cut myself and see how much help we get then. That will probably only get me sectioned though which is not what I want.

It might seem like I want somebody to swoop in and do it all, maybe that is what I want. Dd currently has 6 cuts on her face and arms, caused by him. Caused in split seconds that I've turned my back and he has managed to find something to harm her with. Two years this has been going on, day in day out. Is it any wonder I want somebody to come in and take over?

Nobody is going to though obviously, I am the parent. But I dam wish I wasn't because I don't know how to proceed. I feel like a failure every single day, I almost want to leave Mark's on ds so that he can be taken away because I can't parent for shit.
I'm so exhausted and I'm sorry ok? I'm sorry for having a defeatist attitude. I'm just so fucking sorry

I'm sorry to my kids more than anything that they are stuck with me cos I suck.
I'm better of dead I know it

I'm an SLT and I'm really saddened to hear yours isn't helping you more. There are no quick fixes and they certainly can't get your boy talking quickly but they should be listening to what you're saying here, making observations of your son in terms of SN and making appropriate onward referrals (such as complex needs team, portage, paediatrician, ASD ax team etc)

Put your SLT on the list to phone tomorrow. Tell her everything you've said here and that his communication (the behaviour) is meaning your other children are at risk and so are you and you need emergency help. If I took your call and heard you say what you've said on here, I'd walk down to the paediatricians office, talk to them at length and probably get you and your son in to pead short stay assessment unit to get all the agencies talking and a plan in place for you.