To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

[Failureforaparent01]

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

Its actually better you get your feelings out in here because then you can go back calmly to help with him.

I would go with using separation as a consequence for injury. Make a visual picture for him to follow.

So picture of you all together. A happy face with it.

A picture of hurting. Use visual signs like a cartoon fist rather than him doing it! Get a visual stop sign. Then show him that when he hurts he'll be separated.

Then out him behind a stair gate but only for a short period. Then move on. Keep repeating. Limited language and no engagement.

Sounds incredibly tough and I'm surprised you aren't getting the help you need considering what you are saying.

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, it's so frustrating for me to read about the services ignoring and failing a mother and 3 children. Because they're also failing your younger ones by not helping witj DS. They're failing to safeguard a toddler and a baby.

I know it feels pointless atm but next step is a diary with every single thing he does and recording it when possible. Then back to GP,HV,school SS etc with evidence.

I know one parent that was passed from pillar to post(AD's,parenting classes etc) until she was able to show a video of her 4 yo beating and kicking her while she was laid on the floor crying. That's what it took for someone to stop and take notice. It's shameful that it had to come to that.

I'd also start complaining about their lack of care and intervention which means your daughters keep getting hurt. If it was you or your partner injuring them like that daily, they'd quickly take action. Just because it's their sibling doesn't mean that they don't still have to be safeguarded.

You need to be completely honest and say every single thing you are saying here to ALL the professionals over and over again.

If I heard this, I would do an immediate MASH referral (safeguarding) for all 3 of your children. I work with all these agencies and I just can't believe that if you are spelling things out to this degree that no one is doing anything, it just doesn't happen.

If you genuinely have said everything and no one is helping you, you need to complain and loudly. Contact to practice manager and complain the dr hasn't helped you; contact the SALT manager and say the service isn't enough; contact the SS manager and tell them everything.

Have you told the nursery staff everything? I'm surprised they haven't referred to safeguarding either.

How much does he actually say? It sounded like he was non verbal? But the GP says his talking is ok?

How many words does he say? How many words does he put together in a sentence?

Can he follow your talking? Answer questions? Respond to commands? Answer yes and no questions appropriately?

Are his words clear with all correct speech sounds?

At 5 (or is he 4? is he school or nursery? Sorry can't remember what you put earlier) - he should have fairly adult like communication in terms of sentence structure and speech but reduced vocabulary.

Can you describe exactly what his talking is like?

Yes, I read it that he was practically non verbal.

Sorry I probably did over exaggerate, his speech is like this, bin is bim, ball is baw, one is ome.
He can't say daddy, says diddy.
If he ate breakfast he would say 'I done' or in the bath would shout 'I done'
Rabbit is rahit, water becomes war.
Jacket is cakit? Juice is goose. Orange is howies, trouser is gowser. It's hard trying to remember it all! He doesn't say more than 4 words in a sentence

Agree with YourSarcasmisDripping about keeping a record, try and video if possible so you can show the doctors/ss/cahms.
Could you take him with you to the toilet then you are only carting one child with you?

Did you ask the GP for help with the speech delay?

That is a very very significant speech delay. I cannot stress this enough. He has SEN. My son had a child in his class whose parents only spoke Thai. He had no English exposure and had never been to nursery. Even he spoke more than this.

So his speech issue is a SEN issue. And there might be other undiagnosed SEN issues that you are attributing to ‘jealousy.’
See if he was in England he would be heading from Reception to Y1 and this would have been flagged up a while ago.
He sounds like he needs treatment, therapy, possible medication.

I get it about wanting to pee in peace, I really do. I get it about not wanting your life to be like that. But you said you were worried your DS would kill your DD if they were left alone for too long.

Blaze (silly Netflix programme) is baze
Paw patrol is packorol
Milk is nout (I don't even know how that came about)
Nappy is nawwy
He can't say grandad, or the babies name despite it being 5 letters long
Netflix is nitfluck

Diary keeping, I will certainly do!! I have an empty notebook upstairs

I also think you should look into some of the SEN and see if anything jumps out at you. You know him best and will recognise the behaviours for what they are.

I know it might be hard at the moment , but what are his good points?

OP you keep threatening to kill yourself, it’s seriously worrying.

There is always the nuclear option of refusing to pick him up from nursery. SS would be all over you then. You clearly need help and no one is listening to you.

Can't believe a mother is saying she wished her son was dead and no one is doing anything to help :( it's so desperately sad. I feel for the whole family

I'm not carting children to the toilet with me, I barely get any peace as it is

i wish he were dead

im gonna get through a shit ton of alcohol

Look OP - you are not helping yourself. At all.

I would take the AD, you sound depressed/like you are not making sound decisions. I completely sympathise that this is an appalling situation but wishing your son dead and at the same time refusing to take him to the loo to keep your girls safe is fucking insane.

You don’t let them play together. Bloody put reins on your son for now if that is what it takes, and cart him around with you EVERYWHERE. If you have to get the remote control - take him with you or ask him to get it. If you make dinner, he has to come with. And on and on and on. Ad Infinitum until someone helps with the SEN referral it sounds like he needs. Yes it’s shit and unfair, yes it’s tiring, but what else can you do? Your current approach is not working. I have to take my spaniel to the loo with me as he can’t be left with DS, even though he is as sweet as anything, because he’s a dog and there’s a risk. We all have to do this type of thing one way or another!

I would absolutely not drink either - sorry it sounds judgemental but you need your wits about you.

Well done getting DS in the course. When is your partner home?

When his dad left were you depressed? Did you struggle to bond with him when he was a baby? It's sounds very much like attachment disorder.

We weren't actually together but he would come to my house to see ds, occasionally have dinner type thing. I was depressed from the sexual assault but no I am very glad he has left us the fuck alone.
Didn't struggle to bond with him but I do now, in my eyes he is breaking up my relationship.

I get the suggestions about taking him everywhere but no, the remote incident i was 4 steps away. I'm not going to stand there and explain why he has to move 4 steps, in that time I could be there and back but obviously in that time it allowed him to cause her harm but still, that just sounds soul destroying to be quite honest.

My partner doesn't finish until around 1am

I'm an SLT and that is a serious speech disorder not even a delay if what you've written is based on the sounds he uses. There's so many disordered speech processes in there and some aren't even within normal development.

Has the SLT done a full initial assessment on him with 1:1 assessments or is it a drop in service?

There's been huge cuts to SLT so services are sparse. With what you've said here I'd expect him to be under complex needs via the paediatrician. I've had less worse children be under them from a much younger age with multi agency involvement.

I would demand a referral to the paediatrician - it's the only way to get the full services to open. Medically speaking the GP is primary coordinator for your son. If he is referred to the paediatrician, they become that person and can unlock a hell of a lot more.

Please demand a referral to the paediatrician.

He doesn't understand instructions so I would be there for a good 15 or more mins explaining to him why he has to move. I don't have the energy for that.
It's very easy for you to say you have to do it but c'mon.
Again with the not being allowed outside, he would just break stuff for mot being allowed outside and he won't ever understand why which just seems so much harsher

Sorry to hear that OP, did his father assault you ?

Not understanding instructions at the age of 4 is another SEN.

I think your boy has significant additional needs and that may be why he is so angry, frustrated and lashing out. Please ask to be referred to a specialist. His speech, development and behaviour all sound abnormal

Make a plan this week to start fresh.

Set aside some time to spend with him(even if it's hard at tje moment).

Praise the good things he does especially in regards to his sisters. Really big up when he's gentle,kind,quiet etc. "I love how gentle you were with the baby". Give him small rewards either by spending a few minutes with him or a nice snack.

Have a NOW and NEXT board.
A visual time table of his day and activities that he can have some input over.

Buy some feelings books (sad,angry,lonely,happy,jealous etc)and read them with him over and over again.Talk about them after , ask if he ever feels like that.

See if you can make him a calm corner(with cushions,sensory stuff like liquid timers,tangle teasers etc), not for punishment but so that he can go there and calm down,sort out his emotions .

Make a list of house rules, keep it basic and simple. Let him have a say.

If you can spare the time have a daily or weekly notebook for him with what has gone well, what could've been better, how could we fix the could've been better.

Give him responsibility with tasks that are reasonable and safe for hom to do. Make him your helper.

Have a feelings board near the door so when he comes in he can put a peg for example on how he's feeling that day- happy,sad,angry

Ideally you'd get professional support right now,but until then you will have to keep trying.

I know it seems like an overwhelming and daunting task list but these are just some ideas, pick what is doable/you think it will work. The idea is to stick with it, be consistent, firm but loving and fair.

Some days will still be shit, but the goal is to have less shit days and hopefully to manage to break this cycle of anger and resentment you are both stuck in.

Can I ask - whenyou separated with his dad was that difficult for you? What was the relationship like - someone mentioned attachment disorder - I don't know a lot about this but it might be worth looking into.
It does sound like your DS struggles with sharing you - he is very insecure in his relationships & has no trust in either himself or his relationships with his siblings.
SS are rubbish but they should be offering you more that 'he's just jealous'!!!
Is there a family centre in your area where you might get some support? Is there any other family member that can 'take your Ds under their wing'? He needs some guidance & boundaries - but he does sound delayed & its worth banging on doors now to get him support.

Please get yourself some help as well.

Good advice from YourSarcasmIsDripping