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Original poster

To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

272 replies

Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

OP posts:
EggAndButter · 16/05/2019 17:24

I suspect one issue might be sheer frustration at not being able to communicate.

What has helped my own dcs with frustration is being outside and very active. I would take him to the park as often as you can. Twice a day (am and pm) would be nice so he can run around, throw stones (in the water, not at his sister!) etc...

I would avoid punishment. Again ime it doesn’t work and a clear NO and being taken away from whatever he is doing is usually plenty to get the message across.

Have you seen the GP regarding his langauge? Could he be referred to a paediatrician/speech and langauge therapist?

EggAndButter · 16/05/2019 17:25

Sorry x post.
I would ask for a referral to a paediatrician. Clearly the SALT doesn’t work.

Thesearmsofmine · 16/05/2019 17:26

If he is non verbal then you need to fight to get him the help he clearly needs.

DerrenBrownings · 16/05/2019 17:27

Wow cant believe this. He is non verbal at 5 - he clearly has SEN of some kind combined with the behaviour you've described. Honestly you need your partner to parent the girls for a bit so you can solely focus on your son. He needs help. You need to go to the doctors consistently. Be annoying. He needs to be helped.

CheshireChat · 16/05/2019 17:29

I know the advice is meant kindly, but there's no way we could afford all those classes and I've only got one kid...

AllTeaAllShade · 16/05/2019 17:30

imEhat was your relationship with his fathwr like? Any d.v he may have witnessed?

EggAndButter · 16/05/2019 17:32

Yes i agree about being on the back of the GP to DEMAND a referral.

The problem is, unless you make a huge fuss, it’s not going to happen.

Millie2018 · 16/05/2019 17:33

Have you had his hearing checked? My DD has glue ear persistently and has a hearing impairment. Her behaviour is awful when her glue ear is bad but I was never able to connect the two together until her ears actually became blocked with wax and we got a hospital referral. It would also account for his speech delays.
I sympathise with you. My DD is difficult. Especially with her younger brother. I’m constantly supervising and telling off and can’t wait to drop her off at nursery. I also find that it doesn’t matter how much one on one time I give her. Makes no difference.
I’m also hoping when she starts school September will be better for all of us.
This might be a silly question, but have you asked him why he behaves this way? Have you also told him how it make you feel?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2019 17:33

Does your ds always understand you? A lot of his behaviour could be frustration.

Jellybeansincognito · 16/05/2019 17:33

I’m not trying to not show compassion, but it’s important information, to use to try help rather than berating op about contraception like others have.

Can you try ignoring him when he behaves like this? Shower your dd with compassion etc, then try and explain to him after that he’s hurt her/ made you sad etc?

ArnoldBee · 16/05/2019 17:33

So is he deaf?
Just looking at his world for a minute - he's 4, abandoned by his father, mum has new partner and 2 new babies. That's a lot in 4 small years. He will know that hate him. W/o th all my kids I tell them that I love them just don't like their behaviour. You need to go the gp for both of you and your partner needs to look after the girls more.

ArnoldBee · 16/05/2019 17:34

Oh and contact Home Start for some support.

EC22 · 16/05/2019 17:34

You are in Scotland, your HV can support you and refer you if need be, use this resource before he starts school when it will be lost. Is he having an enhanced transition to school, what do nursery day about his behaviour when he is there?

TwelveLeggedWalk · 16/05/2019 17:34

OP it sounds like you are being badly failed by a lot of services right now.

I think you need to shout, really loudly, about this. Book a GP appointment and send an email to your SS and SALT officers. Tell them all, all the things you have told us here, and say that you are seriously concerned for your DDs safety and you need some additional support urgently before your DS causes harm.

I have a hunch that because he is so close to starting school there will be a lot of people waiting to see how school handle/refer him before acting, but that' s too long to wait for you.

Get sharp elbowed and start demanding some intervention.

JaneyJimplin · 16/05/2019 17:35

My youngest had a severe speech delay, still does actually but he can actually talk now (he is 5). I will say that his behaviour before he could talk was like a feral animal. It was hard to stop him hurting himself and others. I tried taking him to sing and sign, he hated it and spent the sessions hiding under chairs, but I learnt some makaton and could teach him basic things and his behaviour improved a little once he had a means of communication. Now that he can talk, I'll hand on heart tell you he is the sweetest loveliest boy. Up until 3.5 years, it was hard to even like him, but now he is just lovely. He does have autism and other learning delays but he is no longer at all aggressive.

Traditional speech therapy hasn't ever helped much as he is too impulsive and has poor attention skills, but he had an intensive course of therapy for Specific Language Impairment and that is where he made a leap with speech (could have been a developmental coincidence, but he did seem to engage better).

I hope you can get some help. Hang in there. Dont feel like he might always be like this - I was scared I was raising a wrong'un but time has been a massive help. Hold on, as hard as it is. Just keep trying and keep on loving him, one day hopefully not too far off he might surprise you.

Sending you a virtual hug though. It is soul destroying and so lonely.

cranstonmanor · 16/05/2019 17:39

One of my nephews is like this. It wasn't his parents fault or his upbringing, he is a boy with a few psychiatric issues coupled with ASD that he was simply born with. We were afraid that he would become a rapist or murderer and everyone thought that he would be locked up for life once he would get older. It was really, really bad. Nothing worked. He just wanted to be with his mom 24/7 or the world would be punished. He was dangerous. He assaulted a family member so bad they couldn't walk for two weeks. He almost killed siblings or himself on purpose.

Our equivalent of the SS (not UK) helped get him the help that he needed. He now has a psychiatrist, psychologist and daily medicine and has become a normal-ish, relaxed child. He has a few different rules than his siblings because of his anger management training (is for example allowed to always walk away from visitors, family or other people at all times to calm down in a quiet room regardless if the moment is appropriate or not, like dinner or his birthday). He is fun to be around now and also tells us that he is finally happy. I would have never believed such a big change if I hadn't seen it myself.

OP, please try a child psychiatrist. If he iis like my nephew he needs help to feel normal.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:47

Ok so he does have some speech but it is very limited, especially his sounds of words so bin becomes bim, one is ome which can make understanding him hard and obviously upsets him to a great deal.

I have tried reward charts with stickers, filling a pot with marbles and then when he has 3 he gets a treat, I've tried love bombing, I've tried ignoring it(this is the worst one to do ever, I ignored him doing something before and so he pushed the TV over and it smashed to bits! If I ignore it he will do something 10x worse) I've tried speaking calmly and explaining that hitting, spitting on her isn't nice(he appears not to give a shit, not sure if that's worth noting)
I've asked him how he feels when he is doing that behaviour(more to acknowledge his feelings etc but he always says he doesn't know why or that he just wants to)
I've made him draw pictures to describe how he is feeling but he usually just draws happy one so I don't think he understands that one as such.

I've come across like I'll palm my son off to anybody and right now for a bit of peace and not to have constant eyes in my head I probably would!! I'm exhausted,I don't get to sit down cause I constantly have to keep an eye on him especially if he and dd are outside.
I don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 16/05/2019 17:48

Sorry you are struggling and finding it tough. Have you posted before? Seems very familiar to another post a few months back and there was lots of good advice on there and some improvement. Go to GP and HV

mummyhaschangedhername · 16/05/2019 17:50

No speech? At all? At his age that could well be a sign of ASD.

Sorry OP, sounds tough,I haven't had those same issues but similar, I have two children with ASD, my eldest has been quite a handful. It also sounds like you have some PND, I would suggest speaking to the GP and HV about both issues. Hope things get better OP.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:51

We don't have a HV anymore. Had 4 in a year and all just as pointless as each other

OP posts:
Millie2018 · 16/05/2019 18:05

I know that HV can b useless but to get help for this I agree that you need to get back into the system as it were. I agree with the posts that say you have to keep going back again and again until some one listens. One of my friends DD was very aggressive. Hitting children. Kicking her mother. Screaming and smashing up the house. She pushed and pushed and now has a diagnosis of Aspergers. We are not sure that’s correct, but at 5 it’s difficult to tell but at least she is in the system as it were. I worry for when he starts school. How is his behaviour when he is at nursery?

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 18:10

His behaviour is fine at nursery, this is his 3rd nursery and they've never noticed a problem, says he is a lovely little boy

OP posts:
EC22 · 16/05/2019 18:11

You will definitely have a health visitor, why did you have 4 in one year, that is highly unusual. Do you move around a lot?

Butterymuffin · 16/05/2019 18:12

Who do you know who would take the girls for periods of time? At the moment you need to protect them and have time with your son.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 18:13

No they keep leaving! The 3rd one retired, then we got introduced to somebody else about 4 weeks ago and she is just pointless, absolutely useless.
A chocolate tea pot is more useful than her!
The last meeting she came in and said are things still tough, awww never mind!!

Then weighed the baby and left

OP posts: