Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

272 replies

Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

OP posts:
Merchant · 16/05/2019 17:02

Does he go to nursery or preschool? Sounds like he’s bored. At that age my DS was doing 3 full days at preschool and it still didn’t wear him out. A lot of kids his age will be doing mon to fri 8-6pm nursery. At least that way you could get a break from him and focus on your girls

BitchPeas · 16/05/2019 17:03

I really hope they aren’t sharing a room still.

Merchant · 16/05/2019 17:05

If no preschool or nursery then are you doing swimming twice a week, gymnastics, trampolining, football, bounce and roll etc...he should be out doing some sort of intensive exercise/interest class every morning at least. Maybe he’s not getting enough stimulation and is lashing out because of that. From tomorrow, take him to an activity every single day and see if that improves things. If it was me, I’d have him in swimming or gymnastics every morning and then at the park or softplay every afternoon

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:05

Sorry if it seems like I'm ignoring you, I'm in the middle of doing dinner. Before I would do reward charts now I just shout and he gets sent to the stairs

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:06

They were sharing a room but then I put him in mine. We have now moved and he is back to having his own roon

OP posts:
Marvelendgame · 16/05/2019 17:07

Op doesn't he go to nursery?

Isaididont · 16/05/2019 17:08

It sounds like some of the posters on here want to blame the OP's parenting for her son's behaviour - you're implying she is somehow inadequate or abusive? If so, God forbid you should ever have a difficult child as she does!
Failureforaparent - as you know yourself, your child's behaviour is beyond the realm of normal jealous behaviour. You've done the right thing in that you've asked for help, in the strongest way you can! And yet you haven't received any and that's the terrible thing. I have no idea what's going on with your son but I can tell from your posts, it's not your fault. You are NOT a failure. You spend time with him and do everything you can to change the situation. I don't want to sit here armchair-diagnosing but there is something wrong! It is not your fault. Please don't feel like a failure. I just hope and pray you get the support you need, because your situation sounds so incredibly difficult and it is just terrifying for you to see your other child getting hurt.

BitchPeas · 16/05/2019 17:08

That’s great. I’m sorry things are so hard. Does he see any professionals for his speech delay? Has he seen a child psychologist?

Merchant · 16/05/2019 17:09

Reward charts plus nursery plus energetic exercises would maybe go a long way to solving your issues. How many friends of his own age does he play with weekly?

Somersetlady · 16/05/2019 17:10

I hope this comes across as helpful and not rude.

Are you taking contraception to ensure you don’t have a 4th pregnancy? It seems like you are at your limit already.

Merchant · 16/05/2019 17:13

Nobody’s blaming. The OP has posted asking for advice. We can all pat her on the back and say there there if you like but that ain’t gonna solve her problem is it? People are asking questions to get to the bottom of her daily routine so we can give her suggestions to change it. She’s at the point of having called SS so we don’t really need the namby pamby cries of “you’re not to blame” do we? That won’t help her. She’s still got to wake up and deal with him tomorrow. So how about we all just get on with some solid advice about what’s worked for us and how we see her daily routine could be fixed so to give the poor woman some hope and some actual change.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:14

Dd was a contraception failure so wasn't planned, but yes I am on the injection despite having bled every day since I've had it, yes I'm on contraception

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:14

He does 3 hours at nursery, they may extend it by another 3 now that they've realised how hard things are

OP posts:
SoyDora · 16/05/2019 17:16

Have the nursery said anything to you about SEN? Being non verbal at his age is definitely cause for concern, and these issues may all be linked.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:17

SS have been involved since Feb and still no help Sad
I don't do much in the way of activities as I'm mindful of him needing to be at nursery for 12, so we would need to leave for swimming at 8am, get there for 9. Swim for an hour then have to head back.
I've been up with the baby since 4am I just don't think that is doable, I realise that this is my problem and I had these kids I need to parent them but every day is so God dam hard

OP posts:
bigbadbadger · 16/05/2019 17:17

I would strongly advise reading Mercury's child by Warwick Dyer and watching his videos and behavioural management techniques. I work with DC like your DS, his approach works.

Isaididont · 16/05/2019 17:17

A lot of the advice here suggests that reward charts are going to change the fact that her son is unable to speak and forces his sister to eat rocks?
His behaviour is shocking and reward charts are NOT going to fix it.
Also, you may think empathy is namby-pamby, but I happen not to.
Rather than reward charts and playdates, the OP needs professional help and she needs real life support - which so far, she is not getting.

Have you spoken to a health visitor or children's centre about your son? Are any of them aware he is not yet talking? - has any support been offered?

Merchant · 16/05/2019 17:18

So my advice (as somebody who has raised multiple difficult boys) you need to look at him like a puppy. What would you do if he was a puppy? You would expect to have to run him round the park every day right? So daily routine is feed him breakfast and then out of the house until lunchtime at the park, swimming or softplay. Back for lunch then some arts/crafts or if the weather is nice back to a park. Several times a week sign him up for tumble tots, music group, Gymboree, football classes...then see if that solves your problem in a couple of weeks. If you have the money ring a nursery tomorrow and sign him up for 3 full days. Don you get free hours anyway? Use them!

Singlenotsingle · 16/05/2019 17:18

You really can't afford to leave your son alone unsupervised with the girls for a minute. His behaviour is quite scary. He's so spiteful he could could cause serious injury. And if he's non verbal, how is he going to manage at school? He might attack the other children. I'd be banging at the gp's door and demanding help from SS. Don't let them fob you off, OP.

DoxxedFox · 16/05/2019 17:18

Sorry OP - you said that he says he doesn’t want your DD to have things but you also say he has no speech. How significant are his speech issues? At 5, that could indicate SN and you and he need support.

Isaididont · 16/05/2019 17:18

Advice from bigbadbadger sounds helpful.

optimisticpessimist01 · 16/05/2019 17:19

Have you spoken to an GP's/healthcare professionals about DS behaviour/lack of development etc. It does sound like he has some SEN needs. This could be frustration due to being unable to communicate properly, it could be jealousy as DS is no longer all your attention and this could all be heightened by an underlying need

Be adamant and pushy that your son gets referred on to specialist, be that awkward person that refuses to leave the doctors until something gets done. Scream and cry about how you feel and how suicidal you feel, anything until they refer DS on. This needs to be investigated further

You have my biggest sympathies OP

SoyDora · 16/05/2019 17:19

Remember OP has 2 younger children and pools often have ratios so taking them all swimming on her own will be difficult.
Mine are 5, 3 and 4 months and I can’t take them all swimming on my own.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 17:20

He is under speech and language but again they just hand me leaflets which don't do much good imo.
They just say when speaking to him get down to his level, speak clearly, use small sentences and I do that but doesn't help

OP posts:
Isaididont · 16/05/2019 17:23

I agree with optimisticpessimist - could you book a GP appointment literally every week?
Every time turn up and say you need him assessed for SN.