Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

Thanks Zoo,
She was homeschooled from year 8, but when she should have been studying for GCSEs she was at her worst so has no qualifications and thinks that she will be able to study for whatever she wants to when she's older and ready. I don't know if that is even possible. All I have heard from professionals is that her outlook is very poor if she doesn't have maths and english qualifications as bare minimum. She doesn't know what she wants to do. She is due to sit functional skills exams in Maths an English (which she is more than capable of) but just hates going.

Her dad was abusive to both of us so is out of the picture. Family are kind of there but DD isn't close to anyone except me. I suppose I have minimised quite how awful it has been (with her dad) and how it is now. I suspect they think she's lazy and just won't go to school. And I am a shit parent. Both are probably true in part.

She just likes gaming or anything computer based. It's safe. No worry of contamination there. I try and get her out when I can but tricky to fit in as I work PT as well.

Welcome Still. You are not a shit parent.

Does DD have any MH input? If not, once she's 18 you can self refer in most areas.

Have you looked at the PIP criteria and considered applying, either DD herself or you applying to be her appointee? Also, have you considered applying for an EHCP? They go up to 25y/o, so it's not too late. You can ask the council for a carer's assessment too.

Difficult CAMHS appointment this morning, I need to unpick a few things from it.

Thanks 1hop, DD has been involved with CAMHS and SS and everything that goes with it for the for last 3/4 years, including 2 inpatient stays. But because she's nearly 18 has been discharged from all services (her request not to be transferred to adult MH) and doesn't want any input ATM. Thankfully her CAMHS care coordinator helped me to apply for PIP and we were successful so that has been great, though it does mean DD has no incentive to get a job or be in education. But she won't necessarily get it renewed when she has to re apply.

I have been putting off doing the EHCP - I think because I'm worried I'll write the wrong thing and she'll get rejected, but if we do get it, it would give her some more time, although she does tend to say she'll do everything in the future, so I wonder if it will just holds her back even more, if she knows she has more time IYSWIM. But realistically she isn't going to be back in education any time soon.

What is the carers assessment? Would DD also be able to apply for UC when she's 18 as well, I wonder?

She hasn't gone to college today :(

Sorry to hear your CAMHS meeting was tricky. In some ways I am glad to not be involved anymore but it does only leave me to deal with things.

Sorry to hear your DD is reluctant to engage with MH services. My DS1 struggles to engage too, though that is easier to manage because he is younger. As DD is receiving PIP she can apply for UC now, no need to wait till she's 18. You don't have to answer on here if you don't want to, but if DD has difficultly managing her money you can become her appointee. Make sure you have applied for carer's allowance too.

A carer's assessment is from adult social care to see what support there may be for you. If you have had social care involvement you may have already had one. When caring for someone over 18 it is under section 10 of The Care Act 2014. And for parents caring for their under 18y/o child it is under The Children's and Families Act 2014.

Definitely apply for an EHCP, it covers more than just education in the sense of qualifications. Things like OT, SALT, therapeutic input can all be written in, as well as things like supported apprenticeships. Would she do online courses or home tutoring? IPSEA have a model letter you can use to apply.

Thanks hop I'll apply for UC (or rather get her to) and see if she is eligible - do you know if she would have to be in full time education though? I think she's going to drop out of college... but she might do something online, if she's in control of the pace. She wouldn't want home tutoring, we've been down that road, and basically the only thing that works is if she does things off her own back. Any pressure at all, however well meant, she doesn't cope with, which is why college isn't working. They have been so accommodating and tried to help but it is still too much for her.

I'm sure I must have had a carer's assessment at some point as we have been in 'the system' for so long. As far as I know I'm not eligible for carers allowance, because I work - don't you have to earn less than about £100 per week or something? I must try and get the EHCP done this weekend, or certainly make a start. I have been in contact with someone about it so just need to dig out the letter from a pile of paperwork.

Don't take DD off the college roll. It will be much easier to gain support when she is on their roll. If she can't attend get her signed off unwell. Because she is over CSA the LA don't have a statutory duty to provide education, but it will take the pressure off having to attend. If college take her off roll (which I believe they can do as a college) instead then that provides you with evidence.

The earnings limit for carer's allowance is £123/week after tax/expenses etc. It may be worth asking for another carer's assessment.

No, DD doesn't have to be in full time education because you (she) would be arguing she has a limited capacity for work (i.e. the part replacing ESA). Full time education comes into play because full time students under 18 can apply if they claim PIP, whereas otherwise they wouldn't be able to.

For the EHCP IPSEA and SOSSEN are brilliant resources, both also have advice lines. The SN sections on here are useful too, with some helpful posters.

DS had his cast off today which was an interesting appointment.

onehop how I'd D's doing now plaster is off?

Dd2 saw school nurse yesterday as requested by referral team at camhs.she rang me after to confirm had seen her I mentioned how rigid she is over right and wrong and exhaustion after spending time with friends etc and she has decided speak to others regarding possibility of initial ASD assessment.
She also noted DD low vitamin d status and said anacdotally she has seen a lot of teens with this who present with high anxiety
She sent me some links to look at.onxeivehad a chance look thru them will share if think they will be helpful

He's not too bad today Zoo, I've tried to get him to use it. Last night I soaked his arm in the bath and moisturised it, which he didn't like, but needs must. (We still help with baths/showers . It's another one of the skills DS' should be more independent at, but aren't.) Unfortunately, my attempts to stroke his arm, to desensitise it, caused tears.

I hope the school nurse can send off a referral for you. Vit D deficiencies are commonplace in the UK in winter. I've mentioned supplements/blood tests to a couple of posters on here. DS' take them for a medical condition anyway, but DD2, DH and I take a low dose Oct till April ish. The other vitamin deficiency that can cause or worsen low mood is B12.

onehop bless him.ds still needs the odd prompt in shower,and get him to shower regularly is a work in progress not often sucessful

Usually I hate gender stereotypes, but they are 100% accurate for my DC. DDs were much more independent at DS' age. At the current rate we will still be helping/prompting DS' well into their teens. They are incredibly resistant to becoming more independent.

DS1 hates showers, he doesn't like the feel of the water hitting his skin. He would happily never come into contact with water again. DS3 needs prompting and help rinsing his hair. Left to his own devices NT DS2 considers standing under running water adequate. He needs constant verbal prompts. We tried a list of instructions, but he claimed to have washed when he hadn't. sigh

Anne, I hope your meeting with the SENCO is productive.

Good morning everyone. We had a really positive CAMHS appointment two weeks ago and then there were some forms to fill in (DD wouldn’t do hers!) so I’m going to chase it up tomorrow. I think they are leaning towards ASD assessment. After lots of agonising about it, I think moving forward with this is the right thing. Looking back things have been difficult for a long time but we just adjusted to it. Like many people have found, puberty and moving to secondary school seemed to create the perfect storm and brought everything more out into the open.

Zoo it sounds like DS is making some progress staying at church without you. I’m sorry that DD2 is struggling. I totally understand how hard it is to get people to understand how much is going on behind the scenes and that DD is not just as but worried’. My DD1 presents so well at school that finally last week I went into school and told the teacher everything - I hadn’t before for some weird reason that I wanted them to see DD1 in the best light. But I’ve realised the toll it has taken on me trying to cover up all the time.

bigbus it's not easy,and can feel like betrayal somehow telling others who don't see it how bad things can be.its totally right thing to do in these circs tho.i felt awful admitting how bad things were for dd2 but I had to keep telling myself she won't get help needs if we just keep quiet and constantly adapt.others in her life can't/won't as she gets older so it needs addressing now

Hi all
Welcome to new people and thanks for the good luck 1hop.
My meeting is on Wednesday. Dd only managed the last 2 lessons today. She was too anxious to go in before lunch. I dont think school were too impressed as I usually manage to get her in and she goes to student support...
Saw an OT at the weekend and she was nice. Going to work on dds hypersensitivity for sounds and touch to see if that helps.

anne You must be completely exhausted. Are you getting any rest? The judgement of others is such a hard thing to navigate.

Don't take any notice of the school Anne, there's only so much you can do. If you haven't already send them an email summing up today, to provide evidence. Along the lines of:

"As you are aware, despite my best efforts, due to DD's anxiety and ASD she was unable attend school yesterday morning. She was insert description of how her anxiety manifested. Yesterday afternoon X happened. DD felt Y. Thank them for any support they provided. Tonight DD insert if she is anxious/withdrawn/hasn't eaten/slept etc.

I look forward to meeting with you on Wednesday to discuss what support and reasonable adjustments you can put in place, so that DD is able to cope with school full time and attend all lessons."

Also check how her absences are being recorded. You should definitely apply for an EHCNA.

Big, I agree that the judgement from many in society is hugely frustrating. It certainly makes dealing with DC's with additional needs in public harder than it needs to be. Don't worry about DD not completing the questionnaires, CAMHS will have come across it before. Hope you aren't waiting too long for an appointment.

hello

I'm looking for some input and advice for my dd aged 16.

At 13 she developed anorexia - quite bad mental symptoms despite being caught relatively early. It took us a couple of years but now weight restored and ok(ish) with food.

But, since the start of Year 11, her anxiety has gone sky high and since about October she has stopped going. She has been seeing a psychologist who she has a good rapport with and psychiatrist diagnosed her with medium to severe depression and anxiety. Prescirbed prozac (daily) and some anti anxiety medication (to take as needed). But we can't get her back to school. She says she will but then will be (literally) tearing her hair out with anxiety the night before and then refusing to go. The school has been amazing, so sympathetic and kind, the teachers very supportive and understanding but she still refuses to go.

Thankfully DH works from home because she has been suicidal on the days when she has been pushed to go to school.

Recently she has been meeting up with some of her friends at weekends and responding to texts which seems positive. Earlier, she just didn't care, didn't even check her phone or instagram.

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel she is throwing her future away (she is very bright and previously was devoted to her school work) and just sleeping all day. But any pressure just seems to drive her over the top. I'm so worried!

We've had ups and downs over the last few days. On Friday, DD went into a science lesson (the subject that stresses her out the most) and she said it was quite stressful but ok. She also had drama and was in a good mood when I picked her up. On Sunday night she had a meltdown. She was crying for a couple of hours, telling me it's too hard and she used to think she would never commit suicide because of the effect it would have on us but now she doesn't care anymore. I was up with her until 1:30am and told her that I would keep her off school the next day and take her to the GP. Fortunately we got an appointment and a more understanding GP, although it was still hard to get her to understand DD's issues. She said that, because the anxiety is specific to school, she can't diagnose her with GAD and medication won't help her. She has given us a form for a referral to our county's Children and Young People's Mental Health Service. I have to fill in the rest of the details and send it to them. I asked about the possibility of getting DD signed off sick from school if this continues or gets worse but apparently they don't do that. She just has to keep going. It's so hard when DD seems happy and positive one day and then the next day it's all doom and gloom and she's crying and life isn't worth living.

It's taking its toll on me. I've had to tell my manager that I'm not coping and she is going to arrange for me to have a consultation with occupational health to see if there are any adjustments they can make to make it easier for me.

DD seemed fine this morning until I told her it was time to get dressed for school. 15 minutes later she was crying, saying she wouldn't be able to go to any lessons today (science and maths - her two worst subjects). On the way to school I was telling her that she needs to try and she can leave the lesson any time she needs to and the teachers want to support her. I said that if she goes today, it makes it easier tomorrow and the next day. She didn't talk to me after that and didn't hug me goodbye, like she normally does. I don't know if it worked but she chose not to go to student support when we got there so fingers crossed she will at least go to one lesson. The school has agreed to let her do another week of half days if DD feels that she needs it. We've got a review meeting on Wednesday with student support and the deputy head.

bigbus - that was a good steps telling the school how bad things are. For a long time my DD wouldn't let me tell her school about her mental health issues, until I finally persuaded her that she won't get any help if they don't know.

Hello teenonprozac I’m sorry to hear things have been so difficult. I can see that it’s really stressful with all the worry about what will happen if she doesn’t get her exams but I think there will be plenty of opportunity to take exams later when she feels better. I would imagine she’d get better results when she’s less stressed or do you think she’ll feel like she’s failed if she doesn’t do them? Try not to get too stressed about timescale as it might make the whole situation worse for you both.

katalex it sounds like there were some good things but do you think the effort that went into that resulted in the breakdown at the weekend? Are there any other situations when she feels this anxious?

Thanks @Bigbus We're really lucky that we're not in the UK so no GCSEs, she'd fall to bits. She can carry on to year 12 if shes at the right level but doesnt need to take exams. She'll need to take exams end of year 13 of course but I guess a lot can change in two years.
But shes not really studying either. She used to be so motivated and it's just gone. She says shes given up :(

teenonprozac welcome
Sadly I have no answers just lots sympathies.my DD is in year 11,completely cracking at approaching GCSE and is struggling in school dreadfully.yheyve been great issuing time out pass,counselling etc but she's gone from being very motivated to crying and unable to get even homework tasks undercontrol,let alone revise.tbh I'm more worried about her than the exam results but it's awful seeing them in such a state

Katalex sounds like school are doing best they can to help.ds was signed off by OT at CAMHS

I rang and chased up ECHP today.apparentky huge staff sickness levels.draft written,needs signing off by senior to allow us to get draft sent
DS did wellbeing today.i walk him to church then he went in by himselfhe saw outreach pm and they walked down road together and then played chess at ours for a bit

Welcome Teen, sorry you have a need to join us. Does DD receive any MH support? Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, have you considered ASD? In high functioning girls it often manifests as eating disorders and anxiety. If it's the social nature of school rather than the learning that DD can not manage would online schooling or home tutoring (if it is offered in your country) work?

Katalex, glad you got a referral and DD managed science and drama, though sorry yesterday wasn't as positive. HCPs can, and do, certify pupils unfit for school, although LAs often require consultant evidence. However, it's generally accepted that time off for school anxiety isn't beneficial. DS swings from high to low and back again, medication (mirtazapine and risperidone) helps. It's exhausting so make sure you look after yourself.

Zoo, DS is doing so well. Sorry DD2 is struggling. You should have had a draft by now, sickness and needing it signed off sound like delaying tactics from the LA. You should send a letter threatening judicial review for failure to stick to the statutory time limits. Did you find a school you want to name?

Rubbish day. DS1 didn't cope well with an ENT appointment. Found out what was discussed at CAMHS MDT, DH and I have a couple of difficult decisions on where we go treatment wise for DS1. I spoke to a charity to see if they could help with DS1's sleep - they didn't have any ideas but are going to get back to me on a couple of points. Washing machine got stuck part way through a load. Integrated appliances are OK until something goes wrong then they are 10x harder to sort. To top it off the renewal forms for DS2's DLA landed on the mat today. Thinking I need to get DS2 assessed by an EP, supposedly NT but very immature.

@1hopforward2back I really don't think she has ASD. It's not so much the social situation (she has a nice group of friends she is comfortable with) but the expectations. She's not really studying at home either and she was SO highly motivated before and doing so well. She's under the care of a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist

@Stilllivinginazoo Ah, that sounds very similar to my DD. If she had GCSEs, there's no way she could do it. I'm so thankful we don't have that added pressure.

That's OK Teen, I just wanted to mention it, lots of people don't realise females often present differently and can be expert maskers. Can the psychiatrist/CP help with school? If DD is OK with the social side of school, do the school have a student support department that could be a half way house? Would DD complete some work from her favourite subject at home? Something she can pick up and put down with no pressure. I imagine going back now seems a hurdle of its own, on top of the original issues.

Zoo, looking back I think you are on week 17, first request made 23/09/19 I think, so the LA are definitely beyond the time limits.

IPSEA's timescale sheet.

IPSEA's model complaint letter for failure to meet this deadline, and SOSSEN's info sheet on JR.

onehop I've not chosen one.with ESMH priority rather than ASD I can't find what I'm looking for

Hi teenonprozac
Sorry you had a bad day 1hop. Hope today is better.
Zoo - sounds like they are being deliberately slow to me