Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

joy u get called fun sucker(suck fun out of everything cos I asked repeatedly and now I lost my shit )
Good to hear from you
Staying in a hotel is a hostage situation with kids- trapped in strange 4 walls....
Can't send sleep sadly,but lots positive vibes and hugs
If you have t already,read thru last couple pages as one-step has been sharing some excellent insight into benefits and other useful resources

Zoo, please do apply for DLA. The Cerebra guide is helpful when filling it in. If you ask around locally you may find a service that will help fill the form in.

Feel free to tell me to stop but I am conscious that extra help could reduce the stress on you. If you don't already you are probably eligible to claim back travel costs to hospital appointments- CAMHS included.

If you don't get the warm home discount already you should apply via your energy provider.

You can apply to Family Fund every year and amongst other things they give grants for sensory toys. Cerebra and New Life are 2 charities that loan sensory toys too.

Joy, poor DS, so much change in one go. Hopefully once you are in the house he will settle into a routine.

DH took the boys canoeing this morning, they went while we were away a couple of weeks ago and loved it, so DH found somewhere local for today. One of the instructors was really patient with DS1 and near enough gave him 1:1. I had time for a bath and a coffee & cake, by myself, in peace, which is almost unheard of. Unfortunately, I also had a pile of paperwork to do and school uniform naming too.

Thanks for the information 1st step.
Dla looks interesting but as its aspergers and she is quite independent I'm not sure we will qualify despite the anxiety and meltdowns. I will look at it though as it could help toward the psychologist costs.

School are being very helpful so we haven't needed to ask for any further intervention tbh. It is so hard just getting a gp appointment that just getting the referral to camhs will probably take me another month. :/

I'm glad I've discovered this thread- I have a ds (9) who has been struggling with anxiety over the last couple of months.

It's increasing now in the run up to going back to school and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips or anything helpful they use during these times? We keep him fairly busy during the day but as evening approaches he gets more anxious and often wants to talk to me about it a lot a bedtime (which isn't a problem but the more we talk about it the more anxious he gets).

So far I've been using a CBT book to try and help, including giving a set amount of time to talk about worries, reinforcing rational thoughts about what he is worrying about but not talking about the same thing over and over. I've been to the GP who told me to self refer to the wellness group who run locally for children which I've done and we're waiting for an assessment. In the meantime I've been looking at local counsellors and have found 2 potentially who may be able to help as I really think we need some proper guidance/intervention with this.

I'm finding it so hard to see him like this though, he's gone from being confident and happy to being scared about doing the simplest of things like going to the shops or seeing his friends. He relies on me an awful lot when he feels worried and I have no idea if I'm helping or making it worse. I know there is no quick fix but I'm feeling the pressure dealing with this too....

Anne, you probably naturally adapt more than you realise. It is certainly possible to get DLA for Asperger Syndrome, to get a diagnosis it must significantly affect everyday functioning. All AS means is there isn't an intellectual disability and no language delay at 3. It is surprising you got a recent diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome because the diagnostic manuals changed to encompass all the different strands of autism under Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is the Cerebra guide it breaks down the questions mentioning support you may not realise counts.

Chilli, keeping busy is the way to go I think. Everything is harder to cope with at nighttime. Tiredness and quietness allows you to overthink. Could you talk to him about his worries during the day when his ability to reason may be higher?

We try to acknowledge worries and fears whilst remaining positive. So going back to school worries would elicit a response such as a new teacher can make everyone a little nervous, but remember when you met them before the holidays you loved X and you will see Y/do Z/who do you think your first football/rugby match will be against. For nighttime worries we tried a doodle/worry book and a doodle pillowcase in the hope DS1 would write down or draw his worries. Unfortunately, it didn't work for us but does for others.

Do let school know he is worried, they may do group work with him and others feeling similar.

choosingchilli I agree with one-step to move talking about anxiety a bit earlier
Are you doing a relaxing bedtime routine (apologise if I'm sounding patronising)

DS is trying to learn visualisation (finding it very hard)taught by O.T at camhs of a stop monster- you can just use a stop sign you see in your mind or a hand up🤚.even draw it to help reinforce that...then you use that as a sign to STOP worrying about X,y,z and think about something calming.it could be a comfy chair he likes to sit in.how it feels,smells etc.or a pet he likes to stroke,a beach or favourite place?all work by drawing the mind to concentrate on something more calming and positive.really go over all the senses being involved in the positive visualisation.it takes practise but I use it a bit and it does help if practised

Does he have panic attack/breathing type issues?if so the five things is good for grounding (5 things can see,4 you can hear,three touch,two you can smell,one taste)
Or another visualisation-hot chocolate exercise- imagine a cup describe it.then describe toppings on got chocolate(cream?sprinkles?flake?etc) then cup hands as if holding aug to warm hands and blow gently like cooling the chocolate enough to drink
Another option if he's ok with candles is light one and blow it gently trying NOT to blow it out,just make it waver

If he's tactile and likes "smells" mohdoh (sp)could help.its a playdough infused with essential oils and there are both relaxing and sleepy versions

Is there a relax kids in your area?my youngest did a course there and it really helped her learn new techniques and was confidence building too

Thanks very much onestep and still choosing chilli here post name change 😊

The visualisation tips are great I'll try those. I do try and talk to him more during the day about it but then it's a vicious circle as I'm reluctant to bring it up too much when he's not feeling anxious as he then ends up feeling anxious 😬.

Night times are definitely harder, tiredness amplifies all those fears. It's so hard to know sometimes the right things to say/do, he's very negative and hard on himself so I'm hoping if we can arrange some counselling that will help boost his self esteem 🤞

dappled you can dip and and out here.dump and never return.talk every day.share your little victories others would deem insignificant.rant.we are here because we know how utterly draining it can be and how hard it is to watch them struggle and not be able to just kiss it better.would love to know how you get on with counselling
Make sure there's a little but if time for yourself,even just a few minutes.you can't take care of someone else if you aren't taking care of yourself

Dappled, my DS has a tendency to be negative too. It is exhausting, especially trying to put on a happy front 24/7. Talking over a specific task can reduce vicious circles, you talk while e.g. baking brownies. DS will be slightly distracted and once the task is over you move on to e.g. needing to changing to beds/doing the laundry, so there is a defined end point.

Zoo, we tried visualisation and very quickly dropped it. DS can not visualise anything. He also does not know when he is anxious (or scared/anxious/happy...). He is still learning which emotion matches what he is feeling. He rote learnt what each emotion face feels like but can't put that into practice with himself or others. Surprisingly though his anxiety rises when I am down - the psychiatrist says it's because I am more tense and he subconsciously recognises that.

one-step D's struggles to hold concentration on visualising.he recognises sad,happy,anxious but says sad for most of his more "negative" feelings.he can tell people are upset but not necessarily why or that they don't want a cuddle to make it better..
He also finds it very hard to let go of a negative.we were out yesterday and a dog jump up us.he step sharply left to avoid it and got stung by nettles...he was very intensively talking about how agonising this nettle sting was" it's so bad I can hardly walk) and was worrying that he would then only remember the bad thing that happened not the beautiful sparrows swirling thru blackberry bushes,stunning scenery (countryside) and happy time with family

Thank you both, it mean so much finding others that understand

Thanks 1step. Dd diagnosis is hfasd rather than aspergers, just easier to say this tbh as more people get it.
I will take a look at the link you posted.

Trying to hold on to the holiday feeling here! Being away by the sea seemed to help DDs mental health. It's more challenging back in the city. My mum has been away and she is back now and she makes everything so much more stressful. I'm really struggling with her. She lives round the corner and is very dependent on me. V close to DD1 but neglects DD2 (v obvious to everybody), but also makes DD1 stressed (she uses DD1 to hide her own social anxiety, often taking her off into a corner and sitting separately with just her), always looking for the negatives in every situation and seems to genuinely enjoy things going wrong e.g we went out to meet some friends today at a local outdoor market space and we had a drink in the pub garden - the whole place was pretty packed which is nice in a way as the area had been declining but a bit stressful for DD1 (she's been going there since she was a baby and knows the friends really well so she just about managed). Anyway, my mother said 'isn't it a shame that there are not more people here' - the implication being that the place is empty and failing - seriously it was really busy!

Today she told me that she thinks DD1 is 'just about ready to give this whole thing up' !!!!!! Really? Like this whole nightmare is just something DD1 just decided to take up and soon she'll just give it up and go back to how she was. DD1 struggled today and I don't think it was a coincidence.

I think my mother has a really negative impact on my mental health but I'm stuck with her as she is widowed, really needy (despite being super busy and really involved with lots of community stuff, she's very needy with me) and my brother took the opportunity to escape 250 miles away several years ago. I guess there is not solution but I just needed to offload a bit!

My PP should say He rote learnt what each emotion face looks like but can't put that into practice with himself or others.

That sounds v difficult for you Big.

Tonight I'm feeling down. Yesterday afternoon DS2&3 played in the garden with friends but DS1 wouldn't go out to play while they were there. I worry about social isolation. Balancing DS2&3's need for a 'normal' life against DS1's right to feeling safe and comfortable is challenging. I'm never sure I get it right.

big I can somewhat relate. I adore my mother but since my father passed away she has been overly invested in our lives. She's also overly anxious and I have to be careful on a daily basis not to worry her. It can be really tiring.

1step . Be kind to yourself today.

big family dynamics are hard.i would struggle to hold my tongue with your mum if she has a busy social life I might be tempted to step back just a little as she seems to impact you and your girls

One-step that hard,but I assume friends round isn't constant my girls haven't had anyone round/sleepover in past year as being older are worried what friends will say/think of D's freaking about strangers in "his safe space"liking Viking said be kind to yourself

We have DS initial ASD assessment appoint ment today...

Zoo thank you - unfortunately it’s hard to step back as she has a key to my house and comes in whenever she wants! It really annoys DH too. He’s generally quite placid but he gets annoyed with her blatant favouritism of DD1. I would move away but she said wherever we go she will follow us (which DD1 later said was very creepy and I must not do that to her when I am older!).

I hope the move is going well Joy and you are nearly out of the hotel.

1step DD1 tends to hide whenever there are certain people in the house but alright with others. The ones she especially doesn’t like are those who are quite intrusive - asking lots of questions and getting in her space. Also if there is any perceived slight form the past! My MIL is supposed to be coming over on Monday to look after the DCs while I am at work and I have no idea what I am going to do as DD1 probably won’t come out of her room or eat at all. To be fair, MIL is quite posh and her own children were brought up by nannies and boarding school so she’s not that great with them but she’s absolutely well intentioned. It’s all a struggle!

On the plus side, as a family of 5 we are getting on better but I absolutely don’t want us all to be isolated by DD1s mental health (her included).

Hello to chilli and dappled and viking and everyone else. I hope all the back to school and assessments and everything go ok

We had our initial assessment.ds has been put forward for an autism screening observation test

Big, your DD1 is right that does sound creepy. Unless your mum needs a key I would be getting it back asap. When my DS' were babies/toddlers I put a stop to MIL's overt favouritism of my DS' at the expense of my DDs and DNs and DNs. I called her out every time and handed back the excessive gifts etc. No baby needs new toys and clothes every week. She swapped to buying gifts for all grandchildren. Not quite the outcome I was hoping for but better than the unfairness.

DS1 holds grudges against people he perceives as "annoying". This includes most people who make him do anything he finds emotionally difficult, others who attempt to engage in conversation, people who make disapproving comments when he is anxious or using his SN buggy and people who come too close/make too much noise. It is a very long list! His psychiatrist said it is common in children who have poor emotional literacy and resilience, and those who have reacted poorly to trauma. DS1 falls into all 3 areas.

Zoo, hopefully it won't be too long a wait. Is it the ADOS assessment? Look after yourself, the emotional toll such appointments take is often neglected.

I don't know where the balance should be. If allowed DS2 would have friends here constantly. We are the house they congregate at. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind most of the time, but DS1 does so I have to consider that. We are lucky enough to have a house big enough that DS1 doesn't really have to see them. But I can't split the garden - well I could but I'm not going to, it would be ridiculous. He has co-morbid selective mutism so would be unlikely to talk to them anyway.

Hope you are all well. Am on my pay as you go as no broadband yet. Do any of you have recommendations: not virgin or Vodafone as they cannot do my area. Thanks! My neighbour probably hates us already but I am doing my best coralling them single handedly. It is very strange being back in the UK. Am still hoping it is the best thing for us. It will undoubtedly feel better when we have beds, sofa and kittens rather than blow up mattresses, camping chairs and cuddly toys.
Best to you all Xxx joy aka rage

Hi, just seen this thread and wanted to pass on something that DS and I did this week, that he says helped.

He's just started being invited to parties but gets there and freezes up. I asked him to play a game in his own mind, to set himself a challenge of saying Hi, who do you know here? to three people he didn't know, and that's all he had to do. Not continue the conversation, not be a social hit. I said it didn't matter how they reacted to him. Even if they turned their back and ignored him, he'd still have done the challenge. And once that feels OK, he can set himself a bigger challenge, but just do something easy for now.

He came back from a party yesterday to say that by doing the challenge he'd spoken to three girls he didn't know and had a good time. He thought that by setting a challenge that didn't need the other person to react positively helped his anxiety as he was focusing on just starting the conversation, rather than hoping the whole evening would be amazing.

That's lovely millie well done your lad x

Millie for being brave D's you must've been so proud of him
Joy I had endless problems with bt.what the neighbours think isn't on the top of your concerns.kittens/cats are very important in our lives here D's adores and gets much comfort from my mad furries!

Thank you @Stilllivinginazoo and @JoySuckClub but oh God it spectacularly backfired. I posted this elsewhere but wanted to post it on this thread too, because I'm so upset on his behalf, after he went out of his way to talk to new people (girls.)

DS2 has ASD. He also has a couple of mild physical disabilities which add up to him being very short for his age. And he has social anxiety. Like I said earlier, he'd been working on it over the summer, looking at ways to improve it and he'd been trying things out and reporting back that his social life was perking up. Until last night.

He was invited to a party miles away from us, in the middle of nowhere. He bought new clothes that he felt (and looked) really good in. Went to the party and had to stay the night as there was no way we could collect him.

Picked him up this morning and he told us early in the evening he'd gone to sit with a friend and two girls and one of the girls had said she wondered if there would be anyone who'd ever be interested in getting together with her. DS's friend said: well how about DS here and the girl said, 'No I mean someone good looking.'

Obviously it's a thoughtless bitchy thing to say which an adult will shrug off. But he is so SO self conscious about his height, about his mild disability and he's constantly trying to mask his ASD too. I've said all the usual mum things - that it was bitchy and reflects more about her than him, that it was suspiciously too bitchy and sounds like she was quickly getting her rejection of him in before he had the chance to reject her, that not everyone fancies everyone etc. But I can see it has absolutely knocked him. He was feeling so good about his new look clothes, about his social life perking up and now he feels rubbish. I know that this will go round and round in his head and undo all the hard work over the summer, because that's how he is.

How can I help him?

Millie aw that's so sad for him.i don't have answers as my D's ruminates indefinitely too and isn't good at logic as a way to stop thought patterns.you could try everyone has a different idea of handsome/good looking and wants different qualities in partners..and if not everyone would be chasing same few people and most of us would have no one?sending you both big hugs