Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

I agree with Anne on the trying first with a cheaper smaller set one-step

And for those in the know bribery is an ugly word.at zoo house we call it "incentives"

Just had camhs.O.T came to community cafe and her and D's are working on a bird feeder.its pieces of wood screwed into a square then a Dowling is attached in centre that you put an apple on.they had technical issues due to nails being a touch short so will complete another time(Dowling with apple is out in church garden now for birds to enjoy)
We have camhs again Thursday as she's away next week and we have his initial ASD assessment coming up soon and we need to tell him about it/prepare

Thank you. When you have used rewards have you always been certain your DC can do it (not necessarily will, but can)? I'm not sure if DS is actually able to self settle due to his MH and worry if he isn't able to I could harm his MH.

I wouldn't cave, DC know I mean what I say so that won't be a problem and I wouldn't take it away either. I am going to order a smaller set. DS will be devastated if he thinks he's failed so on that basis we will start very small. I'm thinking the first night we could start with lying in bed alone for 2 mins then I will go back in. Currently, he would be sat up, if still in bed at all and there would be tears and crying for me. Then 5 mins on the second night, 10 on the third and so on. What do you think?

The OT visit sounds positive, Zoo. The appointments closer together should allow for more progress to be made too, not as much time to lose momentum or go backwards.

1step - I'm sorry I misunderstood the context of your post...last 24 hours have been stressful. But yes, your strategy sounds logical and attainable for DS. Please keep up posted if you can.

Zoo it sounds like DS enjoys these hands-on activities. Is he a kinesthetic learner? Hands-on activities do help with anxiety, that is certain.

Not a good day in the viking household. DS2 smashed the upstairs tv by throwing his controller at it in frustration. DS1 is getting anxious thinking about school and said he a) does not want to go back and b) never wants to get a job.
On top of that I'm trying to organize DS2's bday party at Skyzone.

Are they still on summer break Viking
Sounds horribly stressfulhow many years has he got left to go?
DS definitely likes doing things with his hands.ge loves building Lego kits,finds them very soothing and we have been working on knitting too,but that's a slooooow process

One-step if he gets himself into a dreadful tizz maybe break it down even more,adding 2mins per day or do add 5 min and stay like that a couple of days before increasing?my D's deffo couldn't add increments of 5 a day..

You seem to be doing so well!

I just thought I'd add my "Mum stop shouting" story - one day little DD was shouting/screaming at me to stop shouting. Only thing was everyone else in the house could clearly hear that I hadn't said a word. Little DD at her better times acknowledges that I can shout just by "breathing".

And my top tip is that you don't need a diagnosis of ASD to use the techniques (or most parent groups).

yes Zoo - summer break until Labour Day, which is Sept 2 .
DS1 needs 40 credits to get his high school diploma. It is usually done in 4 years but will take DS1 longer as he missed much of last year. Otherwise he would have needed 2 more years. Don't think he can manage a regular course load so if he takes 5 or 6 years, so be it. I try not to stress too much about this as I have in the past - I'm learning this isn't uncommon for Sp. Ed students. There may also be other flexible ways to get missing credits - I think?
Trying to respect that everyone has a different timeline. There is a very bright young man (21) who works part-time near me who has aspergers. Very well-spoken and conscientious worker. He completed high school on target but needed to take 3 years off to 'recuperate'. He is finally starting first year uni in September.
He is a good lesson for me as a parent to try to be patient .

Viking we are driven to believe school finishes in X years the college/uni or apprenticeship/work.not everyone fits those boxes.no one should be in a box really.every individual that gets proper support can achieve great things and it doesn't matter the length of time it takes to get there or the route taken

Viking, the future can be a scary thought. I think part of it is the unknown. I don't know much about the school system in Canada, do you have access to support? Here it is possible to do supported work experience placements (and supported employment). That may lower anxiety around the future and help him work out what type of work would work and importantly what type of work he can not cope with.

Zoo, I'm re thinking now. DS gets himself in a complete state which is why it isn't safe to just leave or ignore him. His anxiety rockets and he self harms. He got really stressed when I wouldn't hold his hand when trying an adapted version of gradual retreat. This is why I wondered if it would harm his MH if it wasn't successful. I have ordered a small set, but now I'm not sure how to go about it, if at all.

Lovely post, Zoo x
(I made an error in my previous post - it's 30 credits, not 40)

1step
Yes we do have supports like this in place. I continually try to encourage him, as he developed a pattern of giving up too easily when stressed. He also used negative behaviours to get out of school when stressed. But we've worked alot on communication the past year and I hope it has helped him.
It didn't help that he loved watching Hell's Kitchen/Kitchen Nightmares, which led him to believe all bosses behaved like Gordon Ramsay .

Have you asked someone on your DS' team how to go about the gradual retreat? Hopefully he has a good team that knows him pretty well. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I remember when DS2 was younger he would bang his head in frustration - so difficult to see as a parent .

Hugs and chocolate to everyone today xx

Hi all
So.we had meet at camhs to inform D's he is being assessed for ASD.he was very upset I knew and didn't tell him,and initially didn't agree it was a possibility.for now he's processing what he's been told.both me and O.T really laid on that we felt strongly he should be assessed as we want the best support in place to help.him and if he is it will mean different strategies and supports are needed.
After we had to go into town to start school uniform shopping(lil zoo starts secondary and needs blazer,tie etc) he did really well for the most part and his "incentive" was a treat if choice.he us now the proud owner of yet another-- cactus and a travel size battleships game

Phew - well done Zoo! DS' initial response is natural, and he does need time to process it. It's wonderful how you stressed the goal is to provide the best support possible to his needs. That - in the end - will be reassuring to him. Well done to you both

Zoo, if DS doesn't think ASD is a possibility and keeps mentioning it it might help him if you keep reiterating that the assessment is to see if he does have ASD and if he hasn't they won't diagnose him with it. I know you know it, and I know you and the OT think he does, but for DS it might be a big worry that he hasn't yet is going to be assessed as such. It is a relief you don't have long for him to ruminate on it.

Viking, DS head bangs too. On the whole CAMHS have been brilliant with DS but their advice surrounding sleep and bedtime has been pretty useless. It was things we had already tried (white noise, relaxation, lighting etc.) or did anyway (routine, no screens, consistent etc.). The only thing they helped with was medication. Other HCPs involved with DS say it is CAMHS remit. When I tried gradual retreat instead of ignoring him I told him I loved him and it was bedtime, and planned to take things slowly - laid next to him the first night, sat on the side of the bed the next... I didn't get past the first night though.

Sounds so difficult 1step .

Your other DC with additional needs - how are they coping? Are they older or younger?

Thought(as I awake with insomnia again ) I'd share something from our day
As you know D's chose a cactus and travel size battleships as treats after being told having asd assessment/braving school uniform shopping with the girls.well we played together yesterday and he was beside himself happybest £2.99 I've spent in a loooong time!

Zoo, that is lovely. We love board games here.

DD2 is 19. DS is DS1 and there's DS2&3. DD2 and DS3 have ASD. DD2 copes amazingly, 99.9% of the time most people don't realise she has ASD, which is a good job as she doesn't like people knowing. She has had a rubbish time recently after being hurt by someone. DS3 also has some medical needs, as does DS2.

Most of the time DS2&3 cope really well, but sometimes DS2 gets frustrated with DS1 and isn't sympathetic. It helps DS' all like Lego. As DS2&3 get older in some ways the gap between them and DS1 widens, because although academically able DS1 is socially and emotionally much younger - even compared to DS3 with ASD.

DS2&3 are away for the weekend with a club they go to, so last night DD2 and I went to the cinema and for something to eat. When we left DS1 was crying, but DH said he managed to distract him by discussing Lego facts until bedtime.

If anyone has guessed my NC from this post please don't out me.

No one would out you here even if they knew you in RL(and for the record I do not)
as that's not what this thread about
Nice you had some alone time with dd

My oldest DD is 13 and has been struggling with anxiety since around when she started secondary school, she's always been quite anxious though, this year had been a lot tougher for her and she started refusing to go to school. She didn't go in at all the last couple weeks before the summer holidays. I'm dreading September as I'm not really sure what I can do to make going into school easier for her and her school isn't very helpful either. Her anxiety used to be mostly to do with school but it's been affecting her a lot more outside of school lately, it's been hard to get her out the house and the more time she spends inside the more anxious she's getting about going out

Welcome Banana. Did something trigger the school refusal or was it slowly building up? The last few weeks of the summer term can be stressful - everyone is tired, quick tempered and the change in routine. Have you been to the GP? In my experience early intervention is best.

Thanks Zoo. I'm conscious to anyone that knows me in RL and even to some just on here it is obvious who I am, and I NC'ed to try to protect DS' privacy at least so it isn't linked to my usual name. This is at the forefront of my mind after things that were recently said to hurt DD2.

Welcome Banana - I second the suggestion of possibly visiting the gp. In my experience it has been a good starting point for advice and/or support.

1step Please don't feel obligated to answer any questions you prefer not to. This thread has always been amazingly respectful, non-judgmental, and supportive. . Lots of love here x

Welcome banana I also think gp is best place to start
Horrible as it sounds get her out every day.one thing I've learnt hard way is stop doing something at your own peril as once stopped harder to restarteven a stroll to local shops,walk in the park.jog round the block.if she avoids things her brain will start associate it as a "safe" response to anxiety...
Has she always been an anxious child(in hindsight) or a child who likes to get things just so?
I've heard so many stories of secondary being catalyst to anxiety getting worse.its a big upheaval and add in hormones it's not surprising really for some it's all to much
How's your support in RL?I probably sound like a stuck record to those who frequent this thread but if you are running on empty supporting your child/children you can't sustain it longterm.even a craft ten minutes in your room with a chocolate bar can be a sanity saver.if you have longer/time to yourself baths,walks whatever makes you feel calm and refreshed
I always say to newbies post once,post daily,share your worries,share your achievements or wins(however small/insignificant some people think they are)the purpose here is to say you are not alone.evetyone here understands how hard it can be and we all have each others backs.xx

Zoo I insisted we went out every day when DS' were babies/toddlers, even if it was a walk around the village and took longer to get ready than we were out for. I think it's what saved my sanity.

It's OK Viking, I don't mind questions - sometimes without asking something people can't suggest things that may help. Just sometimes my posts may be vague ish. I've had some amazing support on MN over the years.

DS2&3 are home, fed, washed and ready for bed. Tomorrow we have an appointment with CAMHS to discuss where we go next with DS.

1step hope camhs trip is helpful

Sending positive vibes for tomorrow's appointment 1step

I'll get an appointment with the GP, it's something I've been meaning to do for a while. I wouldn't say one certain thing triggered the school refusal, it was a mixture of a few things and I think she realised it was a way of avoiding what she doesn't want to do. She was quite an anxious child, she found settling into secondary hard, especially as she didn't go to the same school as most of her primary friends, I'm starting to regret choosing this school honestly, whilst she's made some friends there she says she doesn't very close to anyone there. It's hard to know when to stop trying to get her to do something like going to school because I don't want to push her too far. I try to go out for a bit most days with my younger two DC and DD comes sometimes when I can convince her to, we all went out to the park today which was nice.

Hello sorry I lost you for a bit - MN doesn’t keep this post in the ‘I’m on’ section for some reason. I’ve read through everything since I last posted.

I hope the summer is going ok. We have been away by the seaside for over 2 weeks now. We were in a small town for a couple of weeks and now we are ‘in the middle of nowhere’ according to DD1! It’s so beautiful (walking distance of pub, shop and cafe) and fortunately for DD1&2 there is really good WiFi so all happy! It’s going ok - some teenage-type tantrums but including DS I’m going to have at least one teenager for the next 12 years so I’ll have to get used to it. DD1s problems remain and she sets herself some very strange rules but fortunately these seem to be a bit more adaptable. We have stopped tryng to change everything - just concentrating on the things that have the biggest impact on wellbeing - everyone is different after all and most people are probably ‘odder’ than they appear in RL. Also I have stopped trying to compare her/us to other people or to how I think things ‘should’ be.

I was really interested in all the sleep advice. DS is 7 and not anxious but just can’t get to sleep. He does all the right things but sometimes he’s just lying awake for hours before he goes to sleep. I think I might ask the GP about melatonin.

banana my DD1 really struggled to go to school the first term of secondary school - sometimes we had hours of screaming and tears before she actually went in. It was really awful and I would arrive at work in pieces. We persisted (thanks greatly to zoo for her advice which actually saved the day) and things got better. I was able to do this because when DD1 was not in extremis she would say that she did want to go to school so I held this in mind even when she was begging me. She now controls her anxiety with strict eating patterns but she maintains her weight so we go with it.

Thanks all for this post. There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and I don’t always cope - I hate it when I cry in front of the DCs but sometimes it is all too much! Sometimes I take things to heart to much - like when they say they hate me, I’ve ruined everything, everything is rubbish - and other times I can understand that it is the anxiety/hormones/uncertainty that they are expressing at the only person they know won’t reject them. Still there are days when this feels like a cage I made for myself and I can’t escape. Other days I feel like we are doing well and I really enjoy being with them. It’s all a bit crazy really!

For zoo here is a picture of where we are now (v different from our city home!)