To ask if/how you would tell your mum? [Trigger warning: Suicide] Edited by MNHQ

[anyadvicepls]

Not a mum myself, just need a help or some advice from a few if that's okay!
I overdosed on Sunday night, was kept in hospital until yesterday lunchtime. Physically I'm completely fine with no lasting damage. Obviously mentally I'm not fine.
I have a great DP and lots of friends who are extremely supportive, and I come from a great family.
I live in a different city to my mum and haven't told her, or any of my family, because I didn't want to worry anyone.
I sort of think what's the point because it will destroy my mum and that could make me feel even worse putting a burden onto someone else.
If your dc ever came to you and told you all of this what would your reaction be? Not what SHOULD it be, but realistically would you be angry, cut all ties, would it destroy you?
My mum adores me, and is the best, I hate keeping things from her but I have noticed that when she gets extremely upset and doesn't know how to cope that it comes out as anger and frustration- not sure if I can cope with that.
Should I tell her or should I keep this from her? My psychiatrist seemed concerned that she didn't know I was in hospital.
I'm a 21yo woman, no kids FWIW

I agre WTF

This week I have been pretty down, not suicidal but close, I have stayed away from my mum as I don’t want to hurt her, I did contact my step dad to tell him I wasn’t feeling great and won’t be visiting him and mum as I don’t want to upset her, he came to see me yesterday on his own and was really lovely. The thought of hurting my mum makes my mental health worse, makes me feel guilty and useless. There’s no point telling her as the only person that can help me is me. I know things will get better and it is ok not to be ok.

How many of you saying ‘families aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with this’ and other bollocks, as if mental health is not an illness just like any other, have ever expressed concern that there’s a stigma around mental health or expressed support for mental health awareness initiatives on social media? If you have, you’re absolute hypocrites

If families WERE equipped to deal with mental health problems we wouldn't need mental health professionals at all. And of course it's an illness but it's not one your family can cure you of. And no, I don't express support on social media because it doesn't actually DO anything.

Many people have responded saying they would want to help which is really positive, yet mental health problems are extremely complex and the average parent has little understanding of them .It's not wrong or hypocritical to point this out. And no, it doesn't literally kill people either.

The inference was that families aren't equipped to deal with them, and therefore shouldn't be bothered with such troublesome notions. Imagine being suicidal and knowing that your family's unwillingness to try and understand and listen to you was deemed more important than you desperately needing support. You may well go ahead and top yourself.

People take their lives because they feel they have no other option. If they knew they could turn to their family, they may well still decide to take their life, yes, but on the flipside, knowing they could rely on their parents in a time of desperate need might be the glimmer of hope they need. Instead, they feel they can't even turn to the people who should be there for them most. That could easily drive someone over the edge. So yes, it literally does kill people.

I completely disagree 'the average parent' knows nothing about mental health issues. Whether they have informed knowledge of it or not, 'the average parent' would do anything they could to help their child. I showed this thread to my mum, and she was absolutely disgusted.

And saying if families were equipped to deal with it we wouldn't need professionals is a ridiculous false equivalence. Families can't give medical/clinical care, which is what professionals provide. I never suggested they could. That's like saying if families are emotionally supportive during cancer treatment we wouldn't need chemotherapy!

OK snoutandab0ut as you seem to have actual experience and not only that, you've had a 'successful' experience with your mentally ill child. What did you do when your child tried to kill themselves along with the years and years of mental illness before hand.

I'm all eyes and I'm sure there are a few on here would like to hear your plan of action if you are able to rant at how shit parents people are.

I completely disagree 'the average parent' knows nothing about mental health issues

Disagree all you want.

The op isn't you and her mum isn't your mum. It's not ok to claim to know what millions of other parents have knowledge of. It's not ok to claim to know why people commit suicide or how they are feeling. It's absolutely NOT ok to suggest that it's the failing of family members that cause people to commit suicide.

Your insistence that Instead, they feel they can't even turn to the people who should be there for them most is deeply offensive to me and anybody else who has experienced a family member committing suicide or attempted suicide. I have no idea how you can claim to know what Everyone else is feeling.

There is more than one stigma Snout, and you have demonstrated perfectly how many people consider suicide the fault of the family.

I find that incredibly sad, and wonder if you’ve taken that attitude towards him on other occasions and contributed to his MH issues with your coldness

This comment to a poster who took the time to help is utterly disgusting. Who do you think you are?

I would be gutted if my dd didn't tell me and I later found out that she had struggled all alone. I suppose I would listen to what she told me and try not to force her into talking. I would probably be very adamant about getting ongoing treatment.

How are you feeling now OP? A little less raw? Have the Home Treatment team been to see you yet? Are you being referred into any services? (see what I mean lol - I'd probably be a pain in the ass, but it would be well-intentioned and I would try not to be overbearing.)
I understand that WTF is processing her distress in an unusual way to to some of us, but TBH, from the day dd was born, the mental responsibility you take on is pretty intense anyway. I feel it is my burden to take on my dd's pains. It's just how I feel about motherhood. It's not only a natural instinct, it's a moral duty.

Oh and these questions were genuinely for you, not just examples of what I would be asking.

How are you feeling now OP? A little less raw? Have the Home Treatment team been to see you yet? Are you being referred into any services?

I think I've just been in shock the past few days in all honestly, just sort of floating, but I'm getting there.
DM could tell something was wrong and I ended up blurting it out on the phone. She was so calm and said to just come and stay with her for a bit and she also let my dad know.
DP is driving me down now and both my parents will be waiting, DF said "we just want to all talk together, no one's going to shout or get angry, we just want to see how we can sort this out". I couldn't ask for a more wonderful family.
I feel really bad for telling them and putting this load onto them, but I think they are thankful that I have come clean.
As for the home treatment, just wow. On Wednesday the nurse was fantastic, rang me in the morning as she said she would and asked if she could pop round at around 2:30 which I said was fine. She came round and we had a helpful chat. Was told I'll get a call on Friday morning to arrange a time for that day.
Didn't get a call until 12:00 for a different nurse to say "oh you live right in the centre don't you, the parking isn't great round there can you meet me at X coffee shop at 12:30. Erm no because it's on the other side of town and I'm at home in my pjs waiting for you! I think she had just had a busy day and forgot to ring me in the morning, but it was a shame because I found Wednesday's session really helpful. Sure it's just a one off, I do appreciate nurses have very busy and demanding jobs!
Thank you for everyone with all the advice given, it did really help and I'm sure I'll be on the mend in no time

sprouts it’s unfair to continue this debate on the OP’s thread, so the last thing I’ll say is this: anyone who considers themselves uninformed and ill equipped to give emotional support to someone experiencing mental health issues, who chooses to prioritise their own ignorance and selfishness above providing support, is a huge reason there’s a stigma. Literally no other illness is spoken about in that way. I didn’t say suicide was the fault of the family or anyone else - but feelings of isolation could certainly be a contributing factor. I sincerely hope you never need support with your own mental health if everyone around you thinks like you.

So glad to hear it went well. Sometimes all you need is Mum & Dad when the shit hits the fan.

Do you live with your DP normally?

Snouts, anyone who speaks to a parent of a child with mental health problems like you did is part of the reason there is a stigma.

Ah OP I'm really glad you're going to your parents. Take some time to collect your thoughts, you need some hunker down time

so the last thing I’ll say is this: anyone who considers themselves uninformed and ill equipped to give emotional support to someone experiencing mental health issues, who chooses to prioritise their own ignorance and selfishness above providing support, is a huge reason there’s a stigma

I'm still waiting for the golden grail.

What did you do to heal your child after years of extreme mental health issues and a suicide attempt?

@gamerchick that's a very mean question.

Hitting a nerve am I sprouts? Good.

A stigma around what? People who think it’s fine to put themselves and their ignorance before their suicidal child? Yeah, I should hope there is a stigma around that. You and your attitudes keep people suffering in silence.

Go away and think about this: would you take the same position if the illness in question was physical? Would you “rather not know” if your child had Crohn’s disease, epilepsy, lupus, for example? If your immediate thought is ‘that’s different’ then I suggest you go and have a long hard think about your prejudices.

We all make decisions on what we disclose, I never told my mother I had cancer. She would not of been able to cope. You sometimes have the unfortunate situation when both parties have mental health problems. Advice to one person is just that, we all have different experiences. Some people are better for their own mental health confiding in one person but not another. Or speaking directly or letting them know in another form.

snoutandab0ut

You are very much missing the whole point here.
The OP asked, not what you should do but what would you do.

People are not saying don’t talk about MH issues, well that is not what I am saying.

What I am saying is, if you are a grown up and have a supportive partner and children then what are you trying to gain by telling your Mother.
When I have spoken to my own DS about his reasons he has readily said he didn’t realise I would worry quite as much, he needed me to be here for him, but I would have been without the disclosure of his suicide attempt, and he knew that, he just didn’t think it through. He says now, that he regrets telling me that second time, he was a grownup functioning adult in the world and really didn’t want me worrying like I did, panicking at every perceived silence, it was too much for him.
People are supporting their children, but that wasn’t the question in the OP.

And if he had another illness, I don’t know whether I would want to know, because, unlike many people on MN I don’t speak or offer advice on things I know nothing about.

Don’t tell another person to “go away and think about it”. We are not 5 and you are not the oracle of MH issues and families.
I am hoping that the OP’s parents can help her and it is the right decision she took for ALL of them. I am glad the OP is feeling brighter and I honestly hope her Mum managed a few hours kip last night.

Is there an option for your partner to speak to your mum first so your mum's reaction is more predictable once you are ready to talk it through with her?

Perhaps that could be a middle ground. As a mother I would want to know so I could support my child and wouldn't be offended if an intermediary told me first.

@WTF I think a lot of us will find your reaction very difficult to understand. I'm not being mean, but your reaction is rather unusual I would say. I'm not going to say much more about what I do think, but you need to realise that not everyone would think like you. I can't begin to imagine blaming my dd for telling me that she had been suicidal. Blaming myself? Yes, x 1 million times. But would I be annoyed at her for telling me? No. And I can say that unequivocally. I've rarely rested easy since I gave birth, so it's just a state of mind I've always been in - worrying. I succeed in putting on a brave face, but once you give birth, that overwhelming responsibility is with you. Perhaps it took until this for you to feel that, but I felt it from the minute she was born. I presumed all mothers did?
If it's any consolation, it hit me like a freight train at speed when she was born and I couldn't really cope then, needed anti-depressants, CBT etc. etc. I think I was in shock tbh. But her birth was pretty traumatic and I almost lost her, so perhaps if you've never experienced similar, until they're older, you don't feel the immense responsibility that I felt as a new mother.

How could I blame her for that? She didn't ask to be conceived or born? But I as her mother, was given the gift of her. A precious gift that I had to guard with my life.

I suppose I always felt that she was too good to be true. Nothing good ever happened to me. Ever. To then have almost lost her, was a pain like no other. I was like a lioness. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME NEAR MY BABY! I've chilled out over the years, but yes at the time it was a massive massive shock to the system. I suspect that is what the fear of almost losing your ds has done to you. But you've done something right because he told you. Much and all as you wish things were different, you were there. And he knows that. So you did actually do everything right, even if you're not 100% sure about how to express it in terms that people identify with.