To ask if/how you would tell your mum? [Trigger warning: Suicide] Edited by MNHQ

[anyadvicepls]

Not a mum myself, just need a help or some advice from a few if that's okay!
I overdosed on Sunday night, was kept in hospital until yesterday lunchtime. Physically I'm completely fine with no lasting damage. Obviously mentally I'm not fine.
I have a great DP and lots of friends who are extremely supportive, and I come from a great family.
I live in a different city to my mum and haven't told her, or any of my family, because I didn't want to worry anyone.
I sort of think what's the point because it will destroy my mum and that could make me feel even worse putting a burden onto someone else.
If your dc ever came to you and told you all of this what would your reaction be? Not what SHOULD it be, but realistically would you be angry, cut all ties, would it destroy you?
My mum adores me, and is the best, I hate keeping things from her but I have noticed that when she gets extremely upset and doesn't know how to cope that it comes out as anger and frustration- not sure if I can cope with that.
Should I tell her or should I keep this from her? My psychiatrist seemed concerned that she didn't know I was in hospital.
I'm a 21yo woman, no kids FWIW

My DCs are only very little, but I would definitely want to know something like this when they are older.

I have close friends who have lost relatives due to them taking their own lives. It has absolutely destroyed them.

I'd want to know so that I could move heaven and Earth to support them (in the way that is most appropriate to them).

Losing someone is final. Give her the opportunity to support you.

WTF - I find your attitude quite sad both for you and your son. How you feel can’t be helping either of you really. He will be afraid to tell you anything and you are constantly worried anyway. But we all worry about our children. More as they get older I think. It doesn’t end once they reach adulthood. You might benefit from talking to someone about it yourself. Your anger and worry is not healthy for you.

I have a daughter your age op and I would of course be distraught if she told me she'd taken an overdose,but I would still definitely want to know. What if,God forbid,your attempt at suicide works the next time? Imagine the utter shock and guilt your mum will feel when she finds out it wasn't your first attempt but you'd never reached out to her and given her the chance to help and just be there for you. Please tell her op. Wishing you all the best in your endeavours to get yourself mentally healthy again x

My sister did the same as you when she was 21. She overdosed on some medication but then immediately phoned my mum. My mum, who is usually quite an emotional sort was very calm and and we went home, as we were out at the time. We called an ambulance when we got there and they took a long time to arrive.

For the whole time, including the duration my sister spent in hospital, my mum was very calm and never seemed angry.

My sister didn’t intend to end her life. She just needed some help and she spent time in a mental health institution afterwards. She’s fine now, over 20 years later, and didn’t do it again.

Your mum might surprise you. Any way that she might behave would be out of love and concern for you. However, if you are feeling fragile but you might not have the strength to deal with her feelings too. On the other hand, you could probably do with her support! Could someone else tell her for you, or be with you when you tell her?

My daughter is your age. If she told me something like this I would ask if she wanted to come to live with me, and if not I would visit her as often as she let me. I would cook and clean for her and try to get her to talk about her problems, and persuade her to get medical help. I would try to act in a way that didn't scare or upset her as I would be terrified of making it worse. I'd generally be worried I was doing it all wrong.

But from what you say, maybe your mother would have a different reaction? You sound as if you are having to be the mum here. You're the one worrying about upsetting her.

As a much older adult, when I went through depression I told my mother the very minimum, mainly as she lives far away and wouldn't have been able to help me anyway, and also as we don't talk about things much on that side of the family.

But you are still very young. Your mother probably could still help you quite a lot. You're going to have to weigh things up - how much of a burden will she be, v. how much of a help?

You've already seen that there are people out there waiting and happy to offer you professional help, do make sure you pick up on those offers. If you can find treatment that really suits you, you could come out of this not just patched up, but maybe even healthier than you were before. Don't just put a plaster on your issue so you can't see it; get it properly cleaned up.

OP, if your psychiatrist is familiar with you / your family history, then perhaps it would be helpful to run this past them? People on this thread are well-meaning strangers on the internet. I think you should do whatever is best for you

Worth bearing in mind that if you don't tell your Mum now, you always have the option to tell her later. If you tell her now, she knows and you can't take it back

Can you preface telling her with "I need to tell you something, but I'm scared you are going to be angry. But I have to tell you because I really need your help right now." Then tell her.

That way you are sort of giving her the heads up on what you want and don't want when you tell her so she can better manage her reaction.

I’m a bit concerned about you telling your Mum tbh. Can you look at why you didn’t go and see her/talk to her before you did this? Do you know why you did it? I’m a bit worried that if your mum is angry & doesn’t react how you want her to, that it’ll push you over the edge & you’ll try again.

Once any of you have been told this after the event come back and tell me that you think it was a good thing. You all clearly have never been through this. The OP is very young, much younger than my son and clearly not a self functioning adult so maybe her mum is the best person for her right now even though she has a partner. I know how this made me feel and that is what the OP was asking.

WTF I don't think you're a bad mother, I totally understand your thoughts.

OP as someone who's done the hospital run multiple times and was grateful it was 'just' another overdose I would say tell your mother. But the anger comes from the helplessness and fear when someone you love tells you something like that, especially if they can't say why they did it. if you can explore the why part before telling her it would help with that. Even if it's to tell her you don't know why but can you go home for a while as you're feeling vulnerable and scared and want to figure it out. That says you are wanting to figure it out and tells them what kind of support you need. Just telling your mother you took an overdose and no hint of a solution will scare her because if you don't know why or want to sort it out then she'll get the fear you'll do it again and that comes out in anger.

I do hope you'll find peace and it sounds as if you want your mum atm. Good luck.

As a mum (to a child with serious MH issues in the past) I'd want to know. She can offer you support you really need right now.

It will be a shock for her so be careful about how you tell her.
Start by telling her what you need from her before you disclose the attempt.
'Mum, I've got something to talk to you about. It's going to be upsetting but I need your help and support (be specific if you can ). Please stay calm and let me talk to you. Last week this happened...."

Do it slowly. Think about each word before it comes out of your mouth, be mindful.

You never know she might surprise you. We mums can be very strong sometimes. Lean on her.

I wish you all the best for your recovery. X

OP, my daughter has severe depression and has hanged herself twice during relapses.
She is heavily medicated and just recently back at work after another relapse lasting months.
I have always wanted to know how she is, even though it is stressful and worrying for me when she is ill.
I need to know so that I can be supportive, and pray for her, and listen to her when she needs to vent her suicidal impulses, and offer whatever emotional and practical help I can.
I had 5 weeks off work with stress the first time, but I would always rather know the truth of how she is. I’ve had therapy myself to learn coping mechanisms, and I take my worries to God, and I now manage to contain my fears so I can better help DD.
I’m sure any normal loving mum would want to know, and have the chance to give you love and support. But only you know how your own mum would react, and what would be best for you and her in these circumstances. Discuss it with your DP, but don’t feel pressured either way. My prayers that you soon feel much happier and that this situation doesn’t arise again. God bless, OP.

Hi OP you really need to be thinking about yourself and look at the reasons you took an overdose. I would be seeking therapy for myself.
🌺

I didn't tell my mum that I'd been self harming again s an adult. Because it upset her so much when I was a teenager. When I did tell her she took it much better than I thought. And I was glad I wasn't hiding it anymore.

Op your mother adores you, she will probably want to help and support you. If you were my dd I would be pretty devastated NOT to be told.
What has happened to you is a major thing in your life, you need all the support you can get even if it is in the low key way you would prefer. I understand your shame and embarrassment, but this must not stop you from getting better and ensuring that the support you need is there.
Op I wish you well, and you can go on to lead a very happy and fulfilled life by prioritising your well-being over all else for now.
Tell your mum gently, but do tell her

It's your decision and while from her point of view she would probably want to know I feel that if it stresses her she doesn't need to know.

When I was your age I went through quite a bit of trauma but never told my mum as I didn't want to worry her either.

She wouldn't have been angry but may have blamed herself for not being there or felt that she'd failed me as a parent - she hadn't.

Part of being grown up is sometimes coping with your troubles without going to your parents about them. If your DP is a supportive shoulder to cry on that's fine.

I'm so sorry OP, you have to take care of you first and formost right now. Self care all the way. I hope you can get a good support system in place going forward.

As for your mum. If you have a good relationship, and it sounds like you do, she will consider this a burden well worth carrying.

My DD is a couple of years older than you and has ongoing mental health problems. I love her and support her always but it is a burden to me. There is a saying that a parent is only ever as happy as their unhappiest child and because DD is often depressed and suicidal I can never really be happy myself for worry and concern for her. I hide it and put on a brave face and go through the motions of fun and social life but it’s shallow.

If you can manage without telling your mum for now it could be a kind thing to do. My DD has to confide in me as she has no partner to support her but your husband sounds good. Perhaps hold off telling your mum until you feel stronger and you can present it as ‘this is something I did but it’s in the past’?

my very best wishes to you and your DH. I hope you feel much better soon.

winsinbin

I wish I was this intelligent to put it this way, as this is exactly what I am trying to get over. (I have somehow been labelled as a heartless tyrant.)

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this place, I hope you are in contact with good medical professionals who can help you. I took an overdose and was hospitalised in my twenties, and was in a very similar situation to you in that I lived with my partner a long way from my family. My dp let my parents know when I was in hospital and they rushed up to see me. I'm glad my parents were told as keeping secrets is really hard work and not what you need when you are in the midst of a mental health crisis, plus they took the pressure off my dp: not only did he have someone to talk to, but they also came up and visited, got me out of the house, and I was able to go and stay with them to give my dp breaks and myself a change of scenery. Living with someone with mh issues can be very draining and isolating, so I really do think it is in the best interests of you and your dp to share this with your family. Plus, I would want my children to come to me in your circumstances, and would be very upset if I thought they had not felt able to do so.

I wish you all the best in your recovery. Take it a day at a time and don't put any pressure on yourself. If you haven't been released to the community mental health team then please see your GP today, particularly if you aren't currently taking meds.

You are the most importantperson right now. Of course you can tell your mum, but there’s no harm in not telling her right now. I’d like to think I’d understand you needed some time to heal first and would totally get you didn’t want to add to your burden by worrying me.

I'm just putting this out there OP, I might be reading this entirely wrong, but... you've just taken an overdose and you're embarrassed and ashamed that you're taking up people's time and energy with this, you feel like you're making a fuss out of nothing. You are trying to decide whether to tell your mother and you're on here trying to poll opinions to get a better handle on what would be best... for your mother. You expected your partner to be angry at you for overdosing rather than concerned and loving. And when he said your mother won't be angry, you were minded to accept that idea even though you obviously know your mown mother better than he does.
What that sounds like to me is (as picklemepopcorn said) you don't have very strong boundaries, and particularly not with your mother. It sounds like codependency to me - please don't be frightened off by the label, I think it will make a lot of sense to you if you start looking it up (Codependency for Dummies is very good). You look after people when they should be looking after you. You trust other people's opinions more than your own. I would imagine this stems from childhood and having had to pay close attention to your mother's moods (walking on eggshells?) to predict when she was going to go from happy to angry. You might find the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board here interesting as well. I would think very long and hard before you move in again with your mother - again I might be totally off base here but if things are as I suspect, I think you might find, returning as an adult, that your mother's behaviour is a whole lot worse than you remember.

I would want to know so I could help you.
If I found out later that you had coped with it all on your own and hadn't come to me I would be hurt.
But...
This isnt about me. It is about you and your mum. She sounds nice from what you have said. Just make sure you make the right decision for YOU.

I wouldn’t tell her. I told my mum when I was suicidal and she was devastated which made me feel worse (guilty that I was unwell), I no longer tell her when I’m feeling low, I can’t handle the guilt of putting my feelings into her, I’m the only one that can deal with what is going on in my head.

It's up to you what you do, and I wonder do you think you should tell your mum out of duty, or do you want to tell her?

I don't tell my mum a lot of stuff because she sadly isn't supportive, don't get me wrong I love her, but she turns everything I say back on me, if I try and talk to her about my emotionally abusive ex husband she sticks up for him! She even said the parent support charity I was going to (for parents of children were additional needs) were a cult and had somehow brainwashed me into believing the behaviour was wrong!

Anyway sorry I'm detracting from the thread, but what I'm trying to say is, tell your mum as much or as little as you want to, perhaps start by telling her you've been very low and struggling and see how she reacts, and if she's supportive and you feel strong enough, you could tell her a bit more, just judge it at the time?

If my kids told me, I would be heartbroken for them but absolutely be there for them, I've self harmed and even been suicidal myself but I've never told my mother because she wouldn't be supportive.

I guess what I'm saying is, think of yourself first, and you don't 'have'to do anything, good luck