To ask if/how you would tell your mum? [Trigger warning: Suicide] Edited by MNHQ

[anyadvicepls]

Not a mum myself, just need a help or some advice from a few if that's okay!
I overdosed on Sunday night, was kept in hospital until yesterday lunchtime. Physically I'm completely fine with no lasting damage. Obviously mentally I'm not fine.
I have a great DP and lots of friends who are extremely supportive, and I come from a great family.
I live in a different city to my mum and haven't told her, or any of my family, because I didn't want to worry anyone.
I sort of think what's the point because it will destroy my mum and that could make me feel even worse putting a burden onto someone else.
If your dc ever came to you and told you all of this what would your reaction be? Not what SHOULD it be, but realistically would you be angry, cut all ties, would it destroy you?
My mum adores me, and is the best, I hate keeping things from her but I have noticed that when she gets extremely upset and doesn't know how to cope that it comes out as anger and frustration- not sure if I can cope with that.
Should I tell her or should I keep this from her? My psychiatrist seemed concerned that she didn't know I was in hospital.
I'm a 21yo woman, no kids FWIW

I wouldn’t tell my mother but if my dd ever did this, I hope she would tell me. Why? Because my mother would make it all about herself - she makes everything about her. With my dd I would make it all about dd.

Perhaps it would help if you sent your mum an email. Text if email isn’t an option. Explain you need her support. Not anger.

My reaction would be to swoop in and try to fix things, no idea how I would try though. I would do as others have said and pay private for counselling or whatever you need. Sending kind wishes your way

Not a mum (yet, but pregnant with twins) but I've been in your shoes. I also overdosed (twice actually) a few years ago. And like you I wasn't sure if wanted to kill myself or just not be "present". I didn't tell anyone before I did anything the first time, I only woke up on the sofa 17 hours later, then I told my mum.
The second time I had told some friends who contacted my mum and she got me to a hospital.

I'm happy for the support she's giving me since. Unlike you I did not have a DP at the time or a good support system. But my mum was brilliant. The first time was a week or so before Christmas and she cancelled our normal Christmas and we had one just her, my step-dad and I. I'm really grateful to her for that.

Honestly, she was very affected by it all though. She would panic if I didn't respond to her messages for a few hours and even break into my flat. Now 3 year later, she has finally stopped worrying (about this at least).

I can't tell you if you should tell your mum or not. If you have a good support system already.

However I really appreciate my mum being there for me. Isn't that what mums are for?
I know if my twins one day feel like I did, I would want to know and help.

A lot of people are saying "no decent person would be angry" about a suicide attempt of words to that effect. I can only assume these are the people who have not experienced a relative's suicide or suicide attempt. It's a complicated emotion, but basically someone had tried to hurt someone you love more than anything - the fact they are the same person muddies the emotion but the emotion itself is pure rage. Anger is a natural reaction! But expressing it is a choice. If you think your mum could set aside her feelings to help you, tell her now. If you think she will make it all about her distress, that is an extra burden you don't need while you are fragile.

WFT, you have the parent/child relationship the wrong way round. Parents shouldn't burden their children with their financial, sexual or mental health problems. But as parents, we chose to have a duty of care to another person until the day we die. I don't know how you can wish your son had never told you about his suicide attempt - would you rather get the call out of the blue one day be was dead, never having had the opportunity to help him get better?

Supporting someone you love thorough mental illness is an exhausting, emotionally wracking process, and sometimes we're doomed to fail. But I would give anything for my mum to have called me and given me one more chance to help her before she chose to die.

Namestheyareachangin

I don’t have it the wrong way round at all, once my DC move away and marry they should turn to their respective partners to support them. I have always been there for my children but they are grown adults with their own children and I certainly do not want to hear about their sexual, financial or other problems unless their chosen partner was not supportive. I wouldn’t dream of asking my DM for help or support I visit her and help her out if needs be I do not burden her with my problems, I therefore do not expect my DC to do that to us. You are all living a dream if you think it is easy to just take the attempt of suicide by your own DC lightly, it certainly isn’t and it has taken me more years than it took him to get over it. I suggest that unless you have witnessed it you don’t offer advice. This is not a thread about how I treat my DC it is about the OP asking for our experience and whether she should tell her DM something which will probably break her heart and who is going to feel better after it is said, probably none of them.

Please don’t think you have to decide between telling her and never telling her. You just have to decide whether you tell her today. It would be perfectly okay to go for that’s hug you want and not say why you need it.

The question is who do you want to know and why do you want them to know. There is no right answer only your answer. The why is important to work out if you really want them to know.

Another thought is that for the moment you may want some people to not know so you get a break from it. If you want to go home and just have a ‘normal’ unemotional visit with your Mum then that’s okay too. I’d say make sure your DP knows your decision.

Don’t rush to decide. Be gentle with yourself. You have been through a lot.

My DD is 21 and I would feel like a failure and be completely mortified if she felt like she couldn't tell me what had happened.
If she did this and told me then I'd be round to her like a shot to give her the biggest hug of her life and talk to her about everything.
I'd certainly want her home where I could support her more.
I'd do everything in my power to get her all the help I could.
I'd be there 24/7 to talk or to cry with etc......

But that is ME!
This is YOU and also has to involve what YOU are currently going through. What YOU can deal with.

If your mum is supportive then do let her know what is happening.
If she is not and may not react how you want then please think about your next steps.

That's really good advice. I spoke to a friend today and it was nice because the past few days have been all about me and my selfishness. Was nice to have a bit of normality and talk about something else.
I'm going to go and see my mum on Friday, give her that hug, and decide then what I want to say to her. Thank you everyone for the help x

This thread needs a trigger warning I guess.

The thing is, when it's you that wants not to live any more, you have some degree of control over that, or at least know at any particular time whether you're in trouble. And not living is something you see in that moment as a relief. It's the people you leave behind who get the whole gut-wrenching horror. So for a parent it's a terrifying prospect, and you're afraid it could happen at any moment, whereas the child in this scenario has more control and less fear of the consequences.

So I can see why someone might believe they found it harder to get over than the suicidal person. (Obviously there's a difference between secretly thinking that and saying it so your child might hear!)

But purely logically, if you're terrified of a child dying, wouldn't you rather be offered a way of possibly preventing it, before it was too late?

My friend took her own life just over a month ago. Please get the help you need as you are loved.

If one of my children took an overdose I would wrap my arms around them and do whatever it took to support them and get them better.

Good luck op and remember you are loved x

Id give you a hug. Then give you the bollocking of a lifetime. Then another hug. Then make sure you got every bit of help and support you needed.

Do tell your mum- she loves you, and if she tells you off, it will be out of concern and fear, not anger- but do tell her. Whether you are 21 or not, you are still her baby.

anyadvice, being suicidal is not a choice, so can't be described as selfish. It's an illness; a condition, a curse you have.

WFT so what, you care so much you don't want to be bothered with it? [Hmm] doesn't make sense to me. And I have spent the past 8 months processing the grief from my mother's suicide so don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry you didn't have a supportive relationship with your parents. In sorry that as a consequence you find it hard to cope with the emotional demands of being a parent. But don't tell the OP that emotional dysfunction and disconnect between parents and their children is the right and proper way of things. It isn't. We aren't in the Victorian age.

I wouldn't tell my mum, she's lovely but both my parents have no understanding of mental health conditions and would probably just tell me to pull myself together , yeah because it's that easy!

However if either of my DS's had overdosed I'd like to think they'd come to me if that's what they wanted. I'd respect their wishes either way

If it were one of my dc, I'd like to know so I could help.

I wouldn't let my mother know because she would have ranted and raved and made the situation worse.

I would like to know, but having dealt with someone who has tried to commit suicide my actions and words immediately at the time were tinged with panic. I do think if I had known and had time to process the information (letter, email, by another person) I would of been in a better position to be supportive. It is a time of shock and people can only imagine how they will react and many will regret their words. Take care of yourself and the only person of importance right now is you.

As a parent I'd be devastated in that I'd failed them, and angry at myself - not at my child

If you don't feel able to tell your mum directly would you be happy for your partner to tell her (with your consent)?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly and add a trigger warning to the title.

As a parent I'd be devastated in that I'd failed them, and angry at myself - not at my child

You think that a parent with a child who has mental health problems is a failure or just the ones who attempt suicide?

OP, listen to ravenmum. You're not selfish. You have a mental illness. You deserve to be cared for, and you deserve to be able to focus on yourself right now, there's nothing wrong with that.

I've had a similar experience to Wtf and it is deeply traumatic with long lasting effects. I lived in fear every day, with each phone call or knock at the door producing a sense of dread that I can't even begin to describe.

The reality is that there is very little that other people can do.There is nothing you can do to stop somebody and I know because I desperately tried. No amount of love or support or worrying is going to stop them if that's what they have decided.

Op I think there is a middle ground. You can ask your mum for emotional support without telling her what you've done. Most Families are not emotionally equipped to deal with this at all.

WTF you sound staggering selfish. I’m actually astonished. Mental health is an ILLNESS. Would you also say you wouldn’t want to know if your son was diagnosed with, let’s say, Parkinson’s? MS? Cancer?

He should do himself a favour and stop burdening you with anything at all and remove you from his life completely. If you were my mother and I knew that’s how you felt I’d never speak to you again

How many of you saying ‘families aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with this’ and other bollocks, as if mental health is not an illness just like any other, have ever expressed concern that there’s a stigma around mental health or expressed support for mental health awareness initiatives on social media? If you have, you’re absolute hypocrites. People like you are the reason a stigma exists. I am absolutely raging reading this. What use are campaigns to try and reduce male suicide by urging them to talk if everyone around them, the very people who should support them unconditionally, actually wish they wouldn’t open up to them? Your attitudes literally kill people.

snoutandab0ut

You know what, I am so pissed off with getting such a grilling on here.
I spent 6 years from 15 -21 supporting my DS. I was there at 3am driving around a strange city looking for him after yet another phone call. I have sat up for hours listening to him and helping him. I thought after he left uni and settled down he was getting better.
Then out of the blue 4 years later he tells me he tried again, cue me back to panic mode if he didn’t text back after 15 seconds, me driving 200 miles if he didn’t answer his phone, my life was back to how it was with just that 1 remark. Now 3 years on he says it was just a blip and I should not worry he is fine and over it. Well that’s great DS but I am not. He wished he hadn’t sad anything and so do I. The question from the OP was “should I tell my mum, what would you do?” I told the truth, her mum will not feel better knowing now, she will fall apart, the OP has a husband who can support her, her mum won’t be able to stop her doing it even if she knows, no one will feel better from this, trust me. Talk about MH yes, but don’t put pressure on a loved one when it isn’t necessary to be your saviour, because as a mum once you know your DC is likely to kill themselves, you want to be their saviour and you really can’t, you honestly can’t😩. I talk to my DS about it all the time and he is doing well and I am just about on a par with him.

Thanks to MN I now feel like a crap mum on top of all that shit, but you at all so wrong.
sorry OP for taking over your thread I hope you are feeling brighter.

OP asked for people's views, and @WFTisgoingoninmyhead gave advice based on her own lived experience. I think it's very easy for others to judge, when they haven't been in her position. Much as we all want to step in and make things right, it's not always that easy. Watching someone suffer from serious mental illness can be hugely distressing, particularly when you feel you can't help