To ask if/how you would tell your mum? [Trigger warning: Suicide] Edited by MNHQ

[anyadvicepls]

Not a mum myself, just need a help or some advice from a few if that's okay!
I overdosed on Sunday night, was kept in hospital until yesterday lunchtime. Physically I'm completely fine with no lasting damage. Obviously mentally I'm not fine.
I have a great DP and lots of friends who are extremely supportive, and I come from a great family.
I live in a different city to my mum and haven't told her, or any of my family, because I didn't want to worry anyone.
I sort of think what's the point because it will destroy my mum and that could make me feel even worse putting a burden onto someone else.
If your dc ever came to you and told you all of this what would your reaction be? Not what SHOULD it be, but realistically would you be angry, cut all ties, would it destroy you?
My mum adores me, and is the best, I hate keeping things from her but I have noticed that when she gets extremely upset and doesn't know how to cope that it comes out as anger and frustration- not sure if I can cope with that.
Should I tell her or should I keep this from her? My psychiatrist seemed concerned that she didn't know I was in hospital.
I'm a 21yo woman, no kids FWIW

If I was your mum I would want to know. I would want to protect you and help make things better for you. I might get a bit cross or upset - but only momentarily and not at you but at whatever circumstances have made you feel so lost and down. I would want to help you in whatever way I could and whatever way you wanted. The worst thing for me would be you feeling you couldn’t tell me. I am not your mum but if I was that is how I would feel. If your mum is anything like I have described then tell her. Whatever you decide though - put yourself first as you need to heal mentally. Again - if I was your mum I would understand that and still love you xxxx

My DD went through bulimic tendencies a few years back, we were having a massive row because she was having big teenage moods being frankly horrible but it was all because she was trying to deal with all this and other stuff alone. Middle of the row she just blurted it out, we all burst into tears. She wouldn’t tell me sooner because she was worried about my anger.

Yes you absolutely may have to deal with her initial shock and knee jerk reaction but if you are as close and caring as you come across in your
posts I can guarantee she already knows something is amiss, and once you’ve got over the initial awful bit you will have your biggest support there on your side.

Friends are great but you are not their number 1 priority whereas to your mum and dp you are. That can make a massive difference.

There’s some good pp on here about how to tell her. Good luck 💐

My baby girl is only 2, and I hope with everything I have that she never faces the mental health issues I've had, but if she ever did - yes I'd want to know. Even if it broke my heart I'd rather know. Really sorry you felt like that OP, hugs to you

Yes, go to her for a big hug and talk about how you are feeling.

If you can talk to her, and need a hug, she has a role and won’t feel
So helpless.

No need to tell out of ‘obligation ‘.

I do wish you well, OP.

Tell your mum, he will want to know and she may be able to help you get yourself back on track - would moving home for some tlc be an option?

I look at my twenty year old and don’t see a fully adult person. She is still very much in need of support as she enters thevadult world. My 23 year old son is a bit further down the adulthood path but still needs us to sort or advise on things..
Twenty one is very young. Too young to be keeping things from your parents. Your mother can’t be too old to cope with knowing. Unless there is something we don’t know, she’d be mortified at not being there for you. I would want to know and would want to understand the best way to help you become well.

If you were my DD I would absolutely want to know and would bend over backwards to support you.

But I wouldn’t have told my mum in the circustances. I’d have to deal with her reaction as well as my own stuff.

In short: it depends on your mum.

snoutandab0ut
I am not horrible, the OP asked for honest opinions, I was being honest. Unless you have a grown child that has told you this you will never know what it feels like. I love my DS and I would never abandon him, he now says he wishes he hadn’t told me as I now worry constantly about him and don’t leave him be. He agrees that he was being selfish when he told me this years ago. As a grown up you should not share certain things with your parents. Sexual ,financial and MH issues are best kept to your DP and your professional advisors. I take offence at being called a horrible mum by a stranger.

I am seriously considering moving back home with my mum. Haven't discussed this with her but I know that she would love to have me back, she's by herself now and appreciates me paying her a bit of board I think!
I'm not sure whether my mum sees me as a "proper adult" actually, I'm not sure how I weigh up. I moved out for uni at 18 and haven't asked for a penny since so have been very self sufficient, but I think she probably would still see me as kid- most mum's would I suppose.

If you know down the line she'll find out you should tell her now because she'll be hurt you didn't look to her for support at the time. If you're planning on keeping it a secret forever don't tell her.

Some accidentally make it 'all about them'.

This would have been my mother. I would’ve spent the next 6 months reassuring her, placating her, apologising for what had happened and what I’d done because she would be so worried and destroyed. We had major boundary issues. It’s not wrong to delay telling her and giving yourself a bit of time to come to terms with it all.

That's another thing that I'm worried about, if she someone found out it would hurt her even more that I'd kept it from her.
I have thought what if she somehow stumbles upon my discharge letter or something similar.

I think if you’re thinking of moving back in with your mum then you have to tell her. If you’re living in a house with her she needs to know what you’re dealing with.

In that situation I would pay for psychotherapy for my child, if they couldn’t afford it. State mental health services are sparse.

he wasn’t telling me to help me he was telling me to share his burden which I found a little selfish.

And your problem with that is?? A problem shared is a problem halved after all. I will do anything to make sure my DC feel listened to. Even if there's no practical thing I can do to help I can listen and be there for them.

I moaned to my best friend about something last night that she can do absolutely nothing about. But she empathised and I feel better for getting it off my chest. Imagine your DS feeling better as a result of sharing. Isn't that the most important thing at that point in time?

You're only 21, you absolutely should tell your mum. My mums the same, sometimes she gets so worried and worked up in can come out in anger. But in a situation like this it will pass very quickly or likely won't occur. Your mum loves you and I think she would be devastated knowing you're going through something like this and not speaking to her.

I went through a bad bout of depression when I was around 24, I didn't tell anyone, then finally one night on the phone to her I just broke down and told her everything, my mum was excellent, absolutely amazing, she offered her help for practical things like going to the doctors but most of all she just offered a listening ear, she checked up on me and listened to me for hours at a time. I really couldn't have gotten through it without her.

I know you don't want to worry your mum but 100 percent guarantee you she would rather know, she will worry, of course she will, but give her the opportunity to be there for you. I am a parent myself, my daughter is only 5 but should she ever feel depressed, anxious or attempt suicide, I would absolutely want to know, no matter how much sleep I would lose over it, or how worried I would be, I would want to know to be able to support my child. In fact, the thought of her not speaking to me about it terrifies me most.

I hope you're getting the help you deserve and please speak to your mum, a weight will be lifted and just know this will pass.

to you. Take it easy.

If you can do this once then you may do it again. What if, next time, you do commit suicide and your DM finds out from your DP that you had attempted this before? How bad would she feel that you hadn't reached out to her? How guilty would she feel for not noticing your mental anguish?

I would speak to her about how you feel and lead up gently to what you did. Your family may be able to help you but they can only do this if they know about it. Your DP may feel better too, knowing he has others he can turn to for support. He shouldn't have to keep your secret if it means you won't get much needed support.

Please also take all the help from professionals that is offered.

WTF* I can't even find the right words to respond to your post!

I took an overdose at 15 and my mum didn't even take me to hospital. She went out for the evening and we never spoke about it again.

As a mother I would absolutely want to know. No doubt at all. I would move the earth to try and help my child with their pain.

If you genuinely think she will be angry then maybe there are other issues there that you may need to explore and perhaps it wouldn't be best for you to disclose. You sound like you need your mum though. My hope is that she will be there for you if you do.

I can't bear the idea that one of my darling children might feel that low and try to soldier on without my support if they felt it would help at all. I would tell her. Tell her you're afraid she might be angry first if you like.

From what I can see now, you want to tell your mum. And from what you say she would want to know.

So, do tell her. I completely understand you are nervous about (being able to cope with) her reaction.

How about you ring her, with your DP close to hand? If it gets too much, you can hand the phone to him.

Your mum and your DP sound lovely

I would like to know. If she really loves you so much and supports you so much, she also know you enough to know what is the best way to help you, whether giving you some space, though love or holding your hand.

She would be devastated to hear you are going through whatever led to the overdose on your own (or know how bad things are). Last thing she would like to hear is that you killed yourself and she dudn’t Have a chance to help.

I admit I would not tell my mother, but then we are not close, she has never been really supportive and if she cares... she cares in the wrong way. But if your relationship with her is as good as you describe in the first paragraph, she would be devastated that you are not giving her the opportunity to helpmore.

I think if you relationship with your mother is good, and it sounds like it is, then I would advise you to tell her.
Its never and ideal world and whatever her initial reaction you have to remember that she is just human and we all deal with worry differently. It sounds as though she would quickly become supportive.
If I was your mother (I am a mother to young adults) I would 100% want to be told, and I would do everything I could to support you.

I think the fact that you want to see her and have a hug from your mum is very telling.

You have to do what’s best for YOUR mental health. I’m sure she will be upset and there will be tears from both of you and that’s good and healthy.

I would pre-empt her possible angry reaction by either telling her in advance of actually seeing her or by saying ‘I have something to tell you and I need you not to get angry’.

Yes she will be upset and worried for you but that’s a parent’s lot quite frankly. We will always worry about our children. I say that as a mum to an almost 18 year old who is seeing a psychologist regularly. I worry about him but I am glad he has support.

Thankfully mental health issues don’t have the stigma they once did and people are more open to talking about it which is very important.

Take care of yourself and I hope you get the help you need.

I really need her right now

That's your answer. Go see her. Let her take care of you.

If it involved me telling my mum, I would feel exactly the same as you. Its a very guilty way to feel but I think that she would worry /fuss/ loose sleep etc over me having a problem so over the years I have kept many many from her for an "easy life". I feel sad even writing that because I know she would want me to tell her, want to support me etc, she is a very loving person just not particularly good at handling those types of situations without causing me more stress.

However if it were one of my two daughters I would absolutely want to know. The whole truth, no "but don't worry I'm fine" as overdosing shows thats clearly far from true.

My advice would be to lay out clearly what you want from her, i.e. to be given some space but regular calls, or come and stay with you, whatever it is. She will be wondering what to do for the best, not wanting to smother you but naturally want to help in some way that is helpful to you